Ms Maggie Moo Talks 2 U

Happy Heart Day

2012-02-14T10:25:00.001-05:00

Happy Valentine's Day everyone! I hope you have a special person to share the day with, but if not, I hope you treat yourself really, really well...everyday and especially today! I made these cake pops to bring into work today. So far, everyone loves them. I wanted to test them out because we're thinking of making these for part of our candy buffet for the wedding. Judging on the reactions of everyone, I think it's a go. And they didn't take me that long at all to do. A couple of hours tops. If I double the recipe, I think that'll be just perfect. What do you think?

On days like today, I breath a deep sigh of relief...because I don't have to wonder whether or not B1 is going to propose!! :) It used to be that every major holiday or event I would wonder, "Is he going to do it today? Is NOW the time?". It was exhausting. But now I KNOW and I don't need to think about it anymore. I just get to gaze stupidly at my pretty ring and dream about our wedding. (Which by the way, is 7 months from today!) Yippee!!

Things are coming together. We decided a while back that we were going to send out electronic invitations but I'm slowly starting to wish we had more traditional invites. It's not too late to get them, but we didn't budget for them and with our recent trip to the pet er, we're a little short on extra funds. So I'm not sure if we'll end up going that route. But there are so many cute invitations out there! And I do like the idea of having one as a keepsake. I am also contemplating making them myself. I could totally do it, I just don't think it would be more cost effective. Paper and supplies are expensive. By the time I got everything I'd need, I would probably surpass the price of some invites out there. We'll see...I still have a month or so to figure that out.

Do any of you have any special plans for tonight?

Mitsy Doodle

2012-02-12T12:47:00.003-05:00

It only took 3 hours to lose her. At 10:30pm we picked her up and realized she wasn't breathing properly and by 1:00am she was gone. Our little Misty went over the rainbow bridge on Friday. And while we are no longer crying out loud, we are heartbroken.

When I got home on Thursday night I noticed that she wasn't as active as she usually is. But I picked her up and patted her little bum and sent her scampering away. I didn't think anything of it until about 10:30pm when I was heading to bed and wondered where she was. I searched in all of her usual hiding places but didn't find her. She was in our dining room-a room we rarely go in-on the rug just sort of laying there. Breathing heavily. And was sluggish. She felt very weak when I picked her up and she didn't try to steal Bella's treat from her. That's when we knew something was REALLY wrong.

We called the er, wrapper her up in a towel so she wouldn't be cold and brought her right in. On the way, her breathing got worse and her eyes started to glaze over a little bit. When we got there, the doctor took her right away and started an IV. A few minutes later she came out and told us it didn't look good. Our Mitsy had fluid around her lungs (we later learned it was puss, that filled up her little chest) which was preventing her from breathing. Her prognosis was initially a rare heart condition, but once they extracted the fluid she realized it was another rare condition. She had a severe infection internally and they only way to possibly fix it would have been to put chest tube in her little body for at least 3 days and then hope it worked. And then if it didn't, she'd have to have surgery.

We just couldn't imagine our little Mitsy hooked up to chest tubes. She was so tiny, I think it would have killed her. And seeing her little face when she looked at me on the way t o the hospital, we knew she was in pain. The doctor told us that she would not be able to consider the surgery for her cats, either as it is a very intense option and is painful for them. It doesn't make the hurt go away, but it does give some comfort knowing that we aren't alone in our decision.

It was so surreal coming home with her in a box. It happened so quickly. It feels weird not seeing her, hearing her little chirpy purr. It's odd that I'm typing this and she's not sitting (or trying to sit) on top of the keyboard. We only knew her for 7 months, but our love for her was so strong...we'll miss her so much.

She's buried in B1's Dad's backyard, under a tree...RIP Mitsy Doodle.

Pain in the Ass

2012-02-07T20:42:00.004-05:00

I don't honestly remember how much I've told you all about my back injury, so bear with me if I repeat myself. I know I told you that I fell last January, down a flight of stairs, head first on my back. And I know that several of you know that for the past year, I've been struggling...constant pain, gaining the weight I lost back because it hurts to be active and just generally not in a good way.

I went to physical therapy when the accident first happened, but it didn't really help. I realize now that it was because the therapist was horrible and not doing what she was supposed to be doing...in any case, I started receiving cortisone shots in my back to relieve the pain. The first shot was amazing. People I hardly knew commented on how my demeanor changed and how happy I looked. B1 welcomed me back. It was lovely. I felt good. And then it wore off.

The second shot didn't do a damn thing except cost me a sick day and a bruise. So when I made the appointment for my third shot, I told the doctor the last one didn't work. He upped the dosage and tried a new steroid. And boy did that one do me good! In fact, my entire left leg was numb the entire day (which never happened before) proving to me that this one was good. It lasted just about 3 months.

And now I'm in pain again. I saw the doctor last month after a follow up MRI and he confirmed that the discs had gotten worse. I teared up immediately and asked him what we could do. He told me that it is probably time for me to consider surgery but suggested that perhaps we try PT one more time-with a highly regarded therapist this time.

That's where I am this month. The PT is helping to break up the massive amounts of scar tissue built up in my butt and back muscles. Tonight the therapist told me that while I'm not the worst case he's ever seen, I'm definitely up in his top 10. Normally I'd be thrilled about topping a list, but this time it just means I'm broken.

Dr. Craigslist Killer* called in a referral for me to talk to the surgeon. I'm hoping to hear from them by tomorrow.

*Did I tell you all on this blog that he looks like Philip Markoff?

There's No Place Like Home...

2012-02-07T09:27:00.002-05:00

All is right with the world...my B1 is back home with me. And you know what? This weekend wasn't that bad. I did have trouble sleeping-I pretty much kept myself up until I literally couldn't keep my eyes open anymore and then fell into bed. It was fitful sleep, but I survived.

That's not to say I want him to go away all of the time! But it's not as bad as I thought it would be. Keeping busy is key.

My B1 is the sweetest man. He embraces my craziness and laughs at my obsession with all things sparkly. Like these shoes, for example:

They are fu-laaash-Y! And when I picked them up (as a joke) and carried them around the store B1 just smiled. And when I told him I was going to wear them instead of the other blue shoes I bought for our wedding, he said OK. And not in a skeptical kind of way...more like a "she's so crazy that she likes those ugly things but I love her so I'm going to agree with her" kind of way.

But he looked relieved when I told him I was kidding. I'm not opposed to sparkly shoes, but these are a little over the top.

Our 2-year anniversary is coming up soon. You might remember that last year we went to P-town to celebrate. This year, we're heading to Maine. I saw a Living Social deal for a two-night stay in a nice ocean side inn. Though it'll be cold, we might luck out and get sunny weather. And we don't really care about the cold. As long as we can explore, we're good.

One of the places we are going to try is a place called Conti's. Anthony Bourdain went there on one of the best shows I've seen of his. It's this crazy broken down shack (though it just moved to this house...less broken down) with junk stacked up inside and a crazy, crazy old man who cooks.
It's just so odd and cooky that we have to try it. There are mixed reviews on the food-but all say it's super fresh seafood with lots of garlic....which is kind of right up my alley. And, if nothing else, it'll make for a fun story.

The 3rd Night....

2012-02-03T09:53:00.004-05:00

B1's going away to visit friends in NYC this weekend. He'll be gone for two nights. I'm trying to not be sad about this, but I am. Don't get me wrong, I am happy he gets to hang out with his friends and I'm happy he'll be having fun. And I'm not jealous that he'll be having fun without me-I'll be having my own fun here in Boston...it's just that I'll miss him. I miss him already, and he's still just up the street at home. Since moving in together almost 2 years ago, we've only been apart for 2 nights. And those were not 2 consecutive nights. So this is something I'm not used to.

I couldn't sleep very well last night, knowing that he'd be gone tonight and tomorrow night. I don't sleep well when he's not home. When he's working late, I'll go upstairs to bed but won't really be sleeping until I know he's downstairs. It's weird, I know, considering that I lived alone for so many years before I even knew he existed.

But he makes me feel safe. I don't ever feel scared that someone is going to hurt me while I am sleeping when he is there. Do I truthfully think someone will hurt me while he is gone? No. But that fear comes back.

I don't have insomnia much anymore. Do you remember that I used to be up for hours and hours not being able to sleep, even when I should be dropping easily? In culinary school I was dead tired, but couldn't fall asleep until 3 or 4am...now, I can go to bed at 10pm and sleep until the morning. Even when I lived in my last apartment (pre-B1) I used to battle with insomnia. In fact, the reason B1 and I met was because I couldn't sleep the night before so I called in sick and hung out with my friend. (Because I still couldn't sleep!)

So...it seems like B1 has cured me of insomnia and I rest well because I'm safe and I feel safe. So it makes sense that I get anxious when he's gone. Right? Plus, I just really like cuddling up to him in bed, hearing him breathing beside me-even having him hog the bed (which he denies, but it's true!). And also, I just love him. And will miss seeing him when I get home tonight.

That's normal, right?

So what am I doing to keep myself busy, you ask? (You didn't. I know. But I feel like some of you would comment that I should keep myself busy.) Tonight my friend and I are going to dinner and then having drinks before we make our way to an open studio party (?) showing (?)...a group of studios are open for free once a month and we're going. (There!) I've always wanted to go ever since moving to Boston so we're going to check it out. It's in a very cool part of the city (the south end) and I'm happy that I'll be out instead of sitting at home.

Tomorrow night I am hosting a small dinner party...as you know. I thought I had decided what I am going to make, but have switched my thinking once more and so, I'm still on the hunt for a main dish. I do know that I'm making fried artichokes with Gorgonzola dipping sauce and wild mushroom crostini for appetizers. And for dessert I'm making this cake which is a dome and is filled with sweet cream, almonds and hazelnuts. I really feel like making pasta, but I feel like it's not unique-like people eat it all of the time when they go out. Also, it's not really a challenge for me, and I always love to push myself when it comes to cooking. Perhaps tomorrow isn't about that though. Perhaps tomorrow will just be dedicated to making good food for people I love and sitting back and relaxing. Knowing that the next day will be dedicated to B1 being home and watching some football...

Randomivity

2012-02-01T05:00:00.002-05:00

Today I got sad about my family again. I wish someone would reach out and tell me they are sorry they hurt MY feelings. And that they still love me.

While relaxing during my lunch break I thought about how it would feel to be stranded on a desert island with B1. I thought it would be lovely and I'd be so happy that I was with him of all people. And then I thought about how we'd both get sad about the rest of the earth that we weren't touching and the people left on the rest of that earth...and I thought that it's sort of what I feel like now, with my family. I'm on an island.

I've already picked out my wedding band, but haven't purchased it yet. Since we have time, we're waiting until it goes on sale to buy it. It's pretty tedious to watch ads. I kinda just want to buy it now.

Someone at work gave their notice today. I am not surprised and also not very sad. This person is nice, but very up and down and very hard to figure out.

My employee came to work today dressed like a cowgirl minus the boots and the hat. It was odd.

Does anyone have a secret family recipe for jewelry cleaner? Specifically diamonds?

I love Human Planet. Even when (especially when?) they show things like women who breastfeed the monkeys because they feel that they are family.

Slime

2012-01-31T13:03:00.003-05:00

I sometimes struggle with friendships. I struggle because I always want everyone to like me and I never want to hurt their feelings so I end up not mentioning things that bother me (mainly because I decide they aren't that important) or I don't tell them when they are being irrational or odd.

One of my best friends here in Boston is the girl I can only take in doses. And I struggle with our relationship quite a bit sometimes because she's sort of...not realistic about a lot of things. And it's hard for me to NOT tell her that she's crazy, but at the same time, I don't always want to tell her she's crazy because I don't want her to feel bad.

But she's often crazy.

She's never had a long term relationship and always talks to the wrong men. When men give her attention, she tends to overlook their horrible, horrible qualities (like the fact that they have a girlfriend or they refuse to commit to her). And I feel badly for her because I know that she is lonely but at the same time, I don't feel like she's doing much to change her ways or to find the right men.

Today, for instance, she sent me an email telling me that someone she dated a few months ago contacted her and asked her to go out to dinner with him. Which sounds lovely until you find out that this guy dated her for a few weeks while he had a girlfriend. And then he wouldn't go away. He'd call her all of the time. She has trouble with confrontation, so it just goes one until he gets bored and moves on. So this man, who she describes as "chivalrous" called her to ask her out to dinner. He moved closer to her (in her town, actually) which sounds lovely until you find out that he's living with his girlfriend. So I ask you, why would she agree to going to dinner with the man?

Today is one of those days I told her flat out what my true feelings are. I told her that no man should be contacting a woman he dated in the past while he still has a girlfriend. There is no reason except for, you know...he wants a little on the side. Which infuriates me. And it infuriates me that she'd even consider going out with him. I told her to think about this guys girlfriend and to try to think about how it would feel to be in her shoes...women like my friend infuriate me because by saying yes to dinner, she's encouraging him. She knows of another woman. And yet, she is still meeting him.

I'm sad for her, that she can't see this and angry at her for going to dinner with a man who is involved with someone else.

And let me you that my friend and this man were not friends. They weren't so strongly connected that they felt the needs to remain friends after they stopped dating. They are just two people who met on the internet and dated for a little while. There is no reason why he'd call her out of the blue like this unless he wants something. And in the meantime, he'll be breaking his girlfriends heart.

I guess it makes me so angry because I've been cheated on. Like, 4 times. And in at least two of those cases, I know that the other woman knew about me. So I know I'm a little bias and I know that my passionate response to this is based on my past. But I think that even if it weren't, I'd be pissed. Because she's degrading herself and encouraging him. And as B1's Nonnie would say, "That's my idea of nothin'".

What do you think?

Dinner Party

2012-01-31T05:00:00.000-05:00

This weekend B1 is going away to visit some of his college friends in New York city so I'll be left alone. We've only been apart from each other for one or two nights since moving in with each other, so it's going to be a little odd knowing I won't see him at night. I often don't sleep well when he's not in bed with me. When he told me he was going away, I immediately thought about what I could do to get myself out of the house. A friend of mine and I will be going out on the town like we did in the old days (read: before I met B1) in the hopes that she'll find her own B1.

One night down.

And then I thought about what I could do to get people inside of my house. And of course, to me, this means dinner party! Sadly, it won't be nearly as big as the ones I've hosted in the past (read the last post which mentions my diminished number of friends) BUT my two best friends in Boston will be attending and one will bring his new-ish girlfriend. So I get to cook for people. And my house will be less empty for a few hours.

I'm trying to figure out what to make. I can't make seafood because the girlfriend is not a fan...which is OK. There are plenty of other options and being winter and all, I feel that seafood isn't the right choice anyway. So far I've thought of:

Osso Bucco with whipped potatoes and some sort of green veg. For dessert I think I'd make something chocolate.

Cuban inspired pork roast with dirty rice and beans with sweet plantains. For dessert I'd make a mango sorbet. And I would make mojito's for sure.

Some sort of simple Italian pasta-maybe with roasted tomatoes, greens and white beans. I'd have to then make a garlic crostini for sure and for dessert maybe a cheesecake. Or a semifreddo.

The other thing I thought about was my mini-beef wellingtons. I haven't made them in ages and they are always a huge hit. And since there are only 4 of us, it'll be easier to make in terms of budget...

I just don't know. This is the problem with me having a dinner party. I can't ever choose what I want to make because I have so many ideas. Right now, I think I'm leaning towards the Cuban roast or the rustic Italian theme...but I have a couple of days to think about this. I'm sure it'll change.

What do you think?

Horizons

2012-01-30T19:25:00.006-05:00

When I first moved to Boston I made a point of getting out there, doing new things and going out of my way to meet new people. And it was great. I had so many friends-more friends than I've ever had in my life-and could have been considered a social butterfly. It was wonderful. And then, slowly, Boston became home. And that is wonderful, too. But what that means is I'm caught up in the everyday life...I started hanging out with a smaller group of friends and started going to the same places (because I love them though, which is just fine with me!). I still try to go to new places every time we dine out but exploring Boston has sort of dropped off of my agenda.

Also, I've recently noticed that I miss having more than a few people to call when I want to go out to do things.

Part of the problem is that my best friend here in Boston is the type of person who you can only take in doses. I talk to her everyday via email, but if I hang out with her for more than a couple of days in a row, I feel as though I need a break. She's not happy with her life and while I try to keep my happiness wrapped up, it's kind of obvious that I love my life. I mean, I found and am marrying the greatest man I've ever met and he loves me more than I could ever have thought possible. I really enjoy my job and recently got a promotion and I'm planning a wedding and an really cool future. So sometimes, she kind of brings me down. But it's not because she's unhappy with her life, it's because she doesn't do anything to fix it. In fact, she kind of sabotages it.

Which is too bad because she's a fun girl.

As you can probably guess, I've been feeling like I need to expand my horizons again. I've started looking for events to attend and social groups to join, much like those I joined when I moved here. I've also reached out to a few of the old friends I lost touch with in hopes of getting back in touch. And as luck would have it, a couple of weeks ago one of those friends invited me to a party. Where I wouldn't know anyone but her.

Of course I was nervous. I always get nervous in those situations, worrying that it'll be awkward and no one will talk to me and I'll be left out. Which, I know, is kind of an odd fear considering that the last few years have shown me that I'm a pretty likable kid and that most of the time, I'm in the center of the party, making people laugh. And I've also learned that when in doubt, I should tell people I'm planning a wedding. People LOVE to talk about that.

The party itself was sure to be a fun night as it was a martini and tarot card party in Salem, MA. She brought in a reader for each of us to have 15 minute private readings, which was totally cool. Perhaps I'll write a separate post on that later. (It was awesome!) Most of the people there knew each other already but somehow, I just stepped right in and joined them. I haven't laughed that hard with someone other than B1 in a really long time. And I stayed out longer than I've been out in a long time too...and without B1. Which I normally don't do-not because he won't let me or I don't want to, just that we really enjoy spending time together and most of our friends invite both of us to things.

And the best part is that after I left, the hostess wrote to me and told me how great it was to see me again and that everyone really enjoyed meeting me. And one of the guests "friended" me on Facebook! AND I've been invited to visit again for a night on the town with her friends.

Which is exactly what my goal was...so yay! My horizon's are broadening as we speak...

Baby Got Back

2012-01-26T19:52:00.003-05:00

I thought that I'd give you all an update on my back. You may recall that a little over a year ago, I fell down a flight of very hard stairs and slid on my back, head first. Since then, I've had extreme back pain and have been getting cortisone shots to ease those symptoms. About a month ago, my doctor sent me for another MRI to see how we are doing in terms of healing, only to find that the discs had in fact gotten worse!

I was so upset. He explained to me that we could try PT one more time but if that didn't work, we'd have to start seriously considering surgery. I was skeptical, but of course I want to avoid surgery if possible, so I agreed to PT once again. This time, however, I asked for a specific therapist who I'd heard about from a trainer at my gym. Insurance did their thing and contact was made and about 3 weeks ago, I began seeing him twice a week.

And let me tell you, he's kicking my ass...almost literally! You see, after the fall, major scar tissue developed in the left gluteus maximus...aka, my ass! When I realized that this was going to be the focus of therapy, I was a little self-conscious...after all, it was a man who was going to be touching my bare ass. And this man was not my B1. The left side is so tender but I've been telling him to really dig in to break that stuff up as quickly as he can. Yowzers did he ever take me seriously! BUT, he did tell me today that it really feels like it's starting to break down, which means that hopefully the pressure I'm feeling will ease up a bit and I can start exercising again...which will lead me to losing the weight I've gained back since falling last year which in turn, will relieve pressure on my discs.

Follow?

Really the whole reason for this long update was to tell you this. Tonight during PT I almost starting laughing hysterically but thankfully was able to control myself. Had I started laughing, randomly, I would have had to explain what, exactly, I found to be so funny...which was this:

My pants are always on, but the left side of is pulled down exposing my left cheek. My lower back is also exposed as there is also trouble in that area. Today, without warning, he applied warm jelly for the ultrasound machine. By squirting on me. From behind. And it made me feel a little uncomfortable and I got nervous at the hysterical nature of the situation which led me to almost laugh hysterically.

See? It wouldn't have been good for me to explain that.

It's Here!

2012-01-25T11:14:00.001-05:00

In an ironic twist, I was notified yesterday that my wedding dress has arrived! I received a message last night that it's been 14 days and "at this point" they need to hear from me or else "the dress will be returned to home office". Wow. That's nuts, considering I've never been contacted that my dress had arrived. Also, I was told when I purchased the dress (which is paid in full, by the way) that it wouldn't be delivered until March. So, it's here.

Am I excited about this? Yes. But I haven't had time to mentally prepare for it. I know that sounds weird, but I've been thinking about it and talking about it since it was purchased and now it's really real. I will, as of tonight, have in my possession, the dress I will wear when I marry the man of my dreams, the love of my life. It's real.

Not that, you know, it wasn't before. But as we slowly start collecting "stuff" for our wedding, I look at the piles and know that it's really going to happen. People are going to gather to celebrate our love with us, and we will be legally husband and wife. I will take his name. We will be bound in the eyes of the government and the Gods of the Sea. It's pretty awesome.

And also, I'm worried that I might put it on everyday until September 14th. I have to exercise self-control. At least after this week...a girl does need some time to twirl in her pretty dress, right?

For those (2) of you who read my other non-secret blog, I'm sorry but this sort of post is being posted there in just a few minutes too...no diversity today, I know...

Sad

2012-01-24T09:42:00.003-05:00

Today, I am deeply, deeply saddened. My sister has decided not to come to my wedding and has declared that I am a horrible person because I will not allow her to bring her newborn child to our wedding. This also means that my niece Rye Bread will not be able to be in my wedding. And I'm disgusted that my sister waited to say all of this until AFTER I had Rye Bread here for the weekend to specifically ask her to be my flower girl. So, not only does it seem that I have lost a sister, but I seem to have lost my niece too. Because of course my niece would side with my sister (and I wouldn't dream of even suggesting she side with me) because she is far too young to understand the situation. All she's been told, I'm sure, is that her aunt is not allowing her mother to come to the wedding.

Which, you know...is not the case. In fact, I told my sister that she should bring the baby up to MA for the ceremony and she could ask her husband, the babies father, to watch the baby while she comes to the reception to celebrate on my day. By the way, the hotel they would be staying in is within WALKING DISTANCE of the reception. So she could literally walk over at any time to check in, and if her husband had any trouble at all, she could be there in 5 minutes.

But no. She's declared that she will not come unless her entire family is invited. Even though when she got married last year, children were not invited either. And even though my date has been set for a few months. And they knew the date when they were trying to have a baby. I feel very betrayed and feel this is the nail in the proverbial coffin for me and my family. I've always felt as though I am on the outside and that I don't fit in with them. Now they will side with her. I have probably lost my niece, one of my most favorite people in the world. I will miss out on her birthdays and might possibly not even know my future niece or nephew.

Am I being crazy here? I mean...a wedding reception-especially an evening one-is no place for a 2 week old baby...even if I said she COULD bring the baby, why would she want to? I think it's irresponsible. And I think it's horrible that she is doing this to me, creating drama and being passive aggressive (waiting until Rye Bread knows she is in the wedding to tell her she's not going and posting things on facebook about how inconsiderate "some people" can be).

I'm very sad today.

Life Update by Mags

2012-01-21T00:00:00.000-05:00

Hello again! I don't know if I should post this, mainly because you might start getting used to it again! :)

Let me catch you up on my life, since I've been gone a while:

B1 is still the best thing that has ever happened to me. He continues to be the most wonderful, caring man I have ever met and he continues to make me smile everyday. Even on the hard days, which says a lot. We're still disgustingly in love and we still make people gag. :)

In October, B1 proposed! We were at the Magic Kingdom, my happy place, in front of Cinderella's Castle and he asked me to marry him! Before vacation I had hoped it would happen, but I wasn't getting my hopes up...so I was THRILLED to death when he asked. I still sometimes look at him and can't believe we're going to be spend the rest of our lives together.

We're planning a September 2012 wedding in a small beach town in here in MA. Our ceremony will hopefully take place on the a small private beach which overlooks jagged rocks and a lighthouse. It's ridiculously beautiful. The reception will be down the street at a lovely restaurant with 3 of its 4 walls being glass. It overlooks the harbor and many colorful sailboats. It also has a stone fireplace.

After the wedding we are planning on living on a boat, which we will purchase hopefully soon after the season ends this summer, but if not, next season. We'll do this year round...yes, even in the winter. Yes, we realize we're a little nuts, but we're nuts together, so we're OK with it.

We've decided on what we'd like to do with the rest of our life and it involves a BIG boat which we will own. More on that in the coming years...

My back continues to be a huge problem. I tried suing our landlord for the horrible condition of the stairs only to find out that their insurance doesn't cover accidents, only fire. And that is OK because MA only requires them to have fire insurance. So I could sue them directly, but no lawyer will take the case b/c it's not a guarantee that they have money, and the lawyers don't get paid unless I win money. I've been getting cortisone injections in my back and they've been helping with the pain, but the discs have actually gotten worse over the last year. I am currently in PT again and he thinks he can help but if not, I will have to have surgery. I'm willing to be in pain from PT if it means no surgery. We'll see how that goes!

And then there's work...you know about that from the post yesterday! It's great. :)

Censorship

2012-01-20T12:43:00.003-05:00

I'm finding that having a more public blog is fun, but also, restricting. I feel like I have to be the "good" me over there, all of the time because family and coworkers read it. And also, if people Google my name, that blog can potentially pop up...which means bosses and other people like that could read my thoughts.

I don't like that. It's why I started this blog with a pen name. (As ridiculous as it is!) It gave me the freedom to say what I wanted, when I wanted without much fear of anything really happening to me. And so I am rethinking shutting this one down. I think I'll still post over on the other blog for family and friends like I do now, especially with the wedding stuff happening. But I'm going to try to make an effort to blog more here, once more. B1 and I have a new laptop which means we're up to 2-that should help the volume a little more, since we don't have to share time anymore. So we'll see. I do miss it over here, even though I've lost 99% of my readers due to lack of posting and interacting. It's still a nice outlet and record...

So what is it that got me thinking about having a secret place to vent? It's actually good news-I'm getting a promotion. There are some changes going on in our office and my boss approached me out of the blue on Wednesday and asked me to be in charge of the other two employees and to manage how we work. This is huge for me because not only will it mean a little more money, it will mean new challenges. And also, I'll be able to fix some of the things that have been driving me crazy for the past two years. I can't say any of this over at the other blog, because one of my new employees (who is now one of my co-workers) reads what I write. And she doesn't know yet.

And just, sometimes I want to write a funny post with shit and fuck in them but I don't because our family reads the other blog...and while MY family knows that I use those words, some of B1's family doesn't. And I think it would maybe offend them (specifically one person) and I would never want to do that.

And I can't talk about my family over there. My youngest sister used to read here and will probably start reading here again, but the other family members don't know about this blog. Here, I can talk about my mother and the struggles I am having with her-even though it bothers my youngest sister a bit, it's a good outlet for me. It's a very difficult relationship and I often feel like I just need to vent.

So, to summarize: I'm going to be posting here a little more frequently. And maybe, just maybe, at some point, it'll become the blog it used to be.

Maybe.

Engaged!

2011-10-31T13:06:00.001-04:00

I thought some of you would like to know that B1 and I are now engaged! He proposed right in front of Cinderella's Castle at the Magic Kingdom last week and we're planning a September 2012 wedding. I couldn't be happier...

New blog

2011-07-06T15:59:00.001-04:00

I started a new blog...if you are friends with me on Facebook you'll see the link. Please don't mention this blog there...

If we are not friends via fb and you'd like the link to the new place send me an email.

I will still post here now and then. Since its a somewhat secret blog, it gives me a place to talk freely...so don't delete me from your readers!

Hope to hear from those of you who don't have the link already!

Fondly,
Mags

Vacation Day...

2011-07-01T14:32:00.003-04:00

"No, I don't want no corn...especially no STOLEN corn!"

I took the day off yesterday and went to the beach. It was lovely. Instead of going to a salt water beach like I usually do, I headed to a local pond. I'd forgotten how much I love swimming in fresh water. I grew up swimming in a lake in my hometown every summer and just love the way it smells and feels-it's been a while and it certainly made for a wonderful, relaxing afternoon.

I think I'll have to go back soon.

See Food

2011-06-29T10:31:00.004-04:00

B1 and I are going out to dinner on Friday to celebrate his new job and, in my mind, to kick off the long, fun weekend we have planned. A few minutes ago I went to the restaurant's website to view their menu and was tickled pink when I saw that this is how they display it online:

Just as they do in person. It just makes me smile that they didn't have someone type it out for their website...I don't know why. It just does.

This weekend we are also going to stay on the boat for at least one night, go see the sailboat races and attend a chowder fest. And, of course, fireworks.

Last year we didn't really get to see fireworks on the 4th...we were in RI on vacation with my family and for some reason, they were canceled. We didn't know that though, and so we stood around (with hundreds of other people) waiting for the big show. So I'm excited to see some pretty fireworks with my B1.

Last night I finished painting our kitchen. It looks really pretty, but when I woke up this morning, I noticed that the 2nd can that I bought yesterday didn't cover as well as the first one. That means I have to buy more and do some touch ups. Kind of frustrating, but it's OK. I want it to look really nice, so I'll do the extra work. Today I'm leaving early for a doctor's appointment (follow up from my shot) and afterward, I'm going to IKEA to buy a shelving unit and some pretty glass jars for the big wall. We have very little cabinet space and B1 and I both have lots of dishes and glassware. My plan is to display as many as possible on the shelf and then to take my flour, beans, lentils, pastas...out of the cabinet and put them into the jars on top. That'll give us more room in the cabinets and also bring some interest into the room.

That's the idea, anyway...

I'll post pictures when it's all done.

It's A Mouthfull

2011-06-27T16:07:00.004-04:00

Added to my list of things that make me happy is this sucker:

Only I have the non-fat, non-topped version and I have to admit I feel funny going into Starbucks ordering a grande non-fat mocha coconut frappuccino with no whip or chocolate. I feel a little...snobby. But the minute this deliciousness washed over my tongue the first time, I knew I would become obsessed with them.

I go to 3 different Starbucks locations so that I don't look like a junkie.

Though, I never get more than one a day and it's not everyday, either. But it's often enough that I feel the need to switch locations. They're pretty much...close to orgasmic. I say close because, well...if a drink makes you make your "O" face, you're sleeping with the wrong person. :)

Go try it. Seriously. I highly recommend it.

Things That Make Me Happy

2011-06-26T17:20:00.002-04:00

1. Picking out a new color for the kitchen...

2. Loving it, and having enough in the sample can to paint 1 whole wall and 3 smaller ones.

3. When B1's Boston accent comes out thicker than usual because he's just chatting with me. His accent always makes me smile.

5. And, um...he's super hot, too. :)

6. Using our new grill for dinner tonight for the first time...marinated steak with grilled corn on the cob and asparagus.

7. I'm getting tan.

8. Because it's summer, my co-workers and I have decided to rotate leaving early every day.

9. Our gourami fish is looking a little better...I still think he's going to die, but for now, he's swimming a little more.

10. My brand new, bright pink LL Bean windbreaker for camping, sailing, hiking and anything else outside.

Friday

2011-06-24T13:01:00.004-04:00

Hi there! It's been a while...

I have no desire to write. This is a problem because I am good at it. I used to write wonderful stories and when I was done, I'd sit back with satisfaction. I would feel creative and accomplished. But now, nothing...

I know we've talked about this before. This blog used to be such a big part of my everyday. I was a stat-whore and I loved writing things I knew would bring comments. I do still think about the blog, and I do check my stats and and then and sometimes I even open Blogger to start a post and then think better of it and walk away. I wish I was inspired. I wish I had interesting things to tell you, to share with you. But I don't...

Instead this has become a daily (snort) diary of sorts. Which is fine. But it used to be so much more. Maybe one day I'll bring it back. Maybe.

So what has been going on? Well...

My favorite little cousin graduated from high school last week and B1 and I drove 3 hours to NY to attend a family party. We had fun. It was nice to see everyone and I smile on the inside every time we hang out with them because Kimmie still usually opts to sit anywhere I am. Just like when she was little...only now she's not crawling all over me. Which is probably for the best. Her cheeks aren't chubby enough to bite anymore anyway...

My Nana left the party in a rush because she wasn't feeling well. Everyone was concerned. She turns 80 in a few weeks and we're having a surprise party for her. I worried she would die before that could happen and watched my phone for days waiting. But apparently nothing did happen, because no one has called me.

I don't want her to die, but I know it's going to happen and it's probably going to happen sooner than later. It makes me sad to think about that but it's the only way I can prepare myself. I suppose that's not normal and that it's just another way I protect myself-prepare for the worst. I don't dwell on it, but when I think of it, I tell myself these things.

The boat is in the water. This year B1 is storing it in a marina that is only 10 minutes from our apartment, so we've been going there after work for dinner every now and then. It's lovely and peaceful and I feel very lucky to be able to share it. We tried to stay over a couple of weeks ago, but we made friends with another boat and watched a Bruins game with them and I drank way too much. The rocking of the boat was too much for me to handle and I got sick. :( Apparently rum plus rocking does not equal a happy belly. We drove home at 2;30am. I had Chinese food the next day. Chinese food is my hangover food. I felt better after that.

B1 got a promotion and is now the director of his program. It's well deserved and a long time coming but it's wearing him out already. I fear he'll get burnt out or that he'll be married to his work life and I won't see him much except for on the weekends. I hope that once things settle down, he'll be able to let it run smoothly without him there all of the time.

My favorite fishy died. A black and white guppy who looked like he was wearing an evening gown-so I named him Lady. His fins were nipped and he died. Now, another of my favorite fish is dying-a blue gourami. We have another one, but I'll miss him when he's gone. It was pretty when they both swam around, flashing their pretty colors by us while we watched TV.

We are going camping at the end of July for my birthday. This time we're going to NH and are camping at a site with a lake. We're hoping to swim and maybe go boating and fishing. I'm asking my parents for my own sleeping bag for my birthday. I used to have one, but Jamie stole that too.

I've been going to therapy twice a month. I think it's helping, but it's also bringing a lot of emotions to the surface. Mostly about Jamie. I don't feel them during the day most of the time. Instead, I wake up in the middle of the night because of horrible nightmares in which I am being beaten, chased, blackmailed...it's the worst when the dreams include people and things from my current life, like B1.

I worry. I'm trying to separate my past from my present. I think I do a good job most of the time, but when I don't, I worry that it will make the people around me hate me. It scares me.

We bought a road trip grill this week! It's a fold up Coleman grill on wheels and we can use it in our back courtyard or while camping. I really wanted to use it last night, but it's been raining here in Boston. Maybe this week...

Next weekend we are going to harbor fest. It's my first time being in Boston on the 4th of July and I am very excited to be sharing it with B1. He's super fun to be with and he's adventurous and open to trying new things and doing fun stuff. So we don't' just have to sit around waiting for life to happen-we can actually go live. I think we're going to stay on the boat too-this time, I'll drink tequila maybe...tequila doesn't make me sick like rum does.

Just ask my sister's boyfriend. :)

Smooshed Into 1

2011-06-07T18:04:00.005-04:00

I took pictures of the stairs in our hallway before the landlord fixes them just in case I need them for a lawyer down the line...the closeups show crumbling plaster which falls onto the steps. On the left, you'll see that the railing is smooshed up against the wall, making it pretty much impossible to be useful when falling.

Friday night my friend Jill got last minute tickets to the Sox game. We were already supposed to be going out to dinner, so we just went to the game instead. I was having trouble with my contacts, so I wore my red glasses...you know, since I don't own red socks. :)

They were really good seats...

On Saturday B1 and I drove to CT for Rye Bread's dance recital. It was good, but they are so long. After the first song, which Rye Bread was in:

I decided to start keeping track of the acts to help make it less painful...

At one point, there was a song that said, "Dirty Bitch" really fast. I was shocked and thought I heard it wrong but then it said it again...so I wrote "Dirty Bitch" on the program and pointed to it while miming "REALLY?!" to my sister and B1.

I'm kind of appalled that they used that song for a kids dance recital but then again, that school isn't the best, so I guess it goes right in line with that. Here are some pictures from after the show:

On Sunday B1, his brothers and I raised the mast on the boat and B1 and his brother sailed it to the new marina. Last night after work we went down and had dinner there. It was nice, just floating in the boat with B1, especially because living in an apartment means we have very little outside space.

This weekend I hope to pick up some sailing skillz, but I have a feeling it's going to come slowly. I'll be sure to include you in the (hopefully) amusing details.

Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head (They Keep Fallin')

2011-06-01T09:30:00.001-04:00

Today is not the best day for me to have forgotten my umbrella. The severe thunder storms they predicted would start after 3pm today actually started around 8:59am...at exactly the moment I was supposed to get out of my little black car and walk across campus to my office.

Cats and dogs people. Not fun! Luckily my meeting doesn't start until 9:30am so I was able to sit in the car for a bit to wait to see if it passed. It didn't 100% stop, but there was a brief period when the down pouring stopped and I ran to dryness.

Is that a word? Spell check didn't poo poo it.

Anyway...

Last night B1 and I went to a Sox game. We sat in the bleachers, which was new to me. I liked the seats themselves but I learned something the hard way: Bleacher seats are NOT the place you go to actually watch a game. The people there really could care less about the baseball game they came to "watch". It made me sad. There were a few times when we had a good play and I felt like I was the only one clapping. It was a nice night and I was with B1 (and there was a funny section of time where pink balloons were coming out of our section like crazy and the cop was perplexed) so it wasn't a total loss, but I really feel like I wasted my money. I could have just watched that on TV. Next time we're going back to standing room or expensiver seats. (That word did NOT make it through spell check!)

Off to a meeting-have a great day everyone!

Zonked

2011-05-31T09:34:00.006-04:00

Let me first start this post by telling you that I am exhausted! This has been a jam packed weekend...but a good one. I got some quality B1 time in AND got to hang out with my sisters AND got some sun and water. Oh-AND had a BBQ. See? Busy.

It started out with a drive to the new marina with B1 to see the slip where the boat will be housed (hopefully soon!). It was such a nice day we drove with the top down around the city and ended up in East Boston where we might end up living next year. This would be the view from the house we might buy next year (if it's still for sale):

Awesome, no? It's so awesome b/c this is the house:

Yes, it's a floating house! In April B1 told me about how the owner dropped the price again. I told him that when it hit a certain price, we could go to the bank. The stipulation was that he couldn't talk her down to the price I mentioned. That night (I think) he went home and contacted the owner to find out if she'd rent it to us for a while. She said no but he keeps an eye on it. Last week I mentioned how it was odd that he hadn't taken me to see it in person so when we started driving toward this area, I smiled to myself b/c I knew where we were headed. I kind of really liked it. And the view! Holy moly! And there's a park right next door. Which is kind of the perfect place to have our wedding.

Stop-don't freak out-nothing happened...we just know we want to get married outside, near water and hopefully with a view of Boston in the background.

The minute I walked into the park I could envision the tent and the lanterns in the trees and the lights and the pretty people mingling over cocktails.
The fog rolled in pretty good-but honestly-that's Boston!

It only costs $100 to rent, too! Why? Well, b/c you can't serve alcohol there. So having a wedding reception there would kind of be a drag for the guests...but man-it's so perfect! Green space, trees, water, boats, and Boston. *sigh*

Sunday we drove down to CT for a family picnic. We had TONS of food, beer, sangria, tequila, the pool and a fire. We played Boccie and wiffle ball-oh-and drinking games, which was fun! We also had the first bonfire of the season (for B1 and I anyway). It was loads of fun. When we woke up the next morning I saw this:

These are the shoes of my sisters boyfriend. B1 left him a little surprise for when he woke up. Hysterical.

Yesterday we stopped in Newport to pick up the rigging for the boat and then went to hang out on the dock. (LOL...I just wrote a funny typo..) We put dangled our feet in the cool water, ate sandwiches and drank a few beers. It was very relaxing and nice to just sit there with B1.

Needless to say, I dropped quickly when I went to bed. Truth be told, I'm still majorly exhausted. We have a Red Sox game tonight though, so hopefully I won't drop before it's over!

What did you do this weekend?

Things I Like

2011-05-26T13:12:00.006-04:00

Yesterday the money was put back into my account! While this doesn't make me rich by any means, I suddenly felt a lot more free. I was able to buy us proper groceries (as opposed to the tiny bottle of milk, cheese and bananas that I bought the day before with what was left of my livelihood!). While I shopped, some annoying man parked his ridiculously huge SUV next to my little car. But he parked outside of this white lines, so that I had to squeeze in the door and back out really, really slowly.

This is a major pet peeve of mine. I dislike inconsiderate people. It's one of the worst offenses in my brain, if you knowingly do something that will affect others in a negative way but just don't care. I have to believe this is the case with people who drive disgustingly big cars but can't park them. In any case, while I was getting angry (the guy came outside while I was pulling out and I seriously considered stopping to yell at him-but I had to go to the bathroom so I just drove away.) I thought about how pretty the day was and how lucky I was to have a sunroof. This led me to thinking about things I like...which is a good change from being angry at the stupid man with a small penis. (I have to assume that's why he drives such an enormous car and acts like an idiot.)

So...with that, here are a few other things I am liking these days:

I know that I posted this picture of my cute B1 the other day (yesterday?) but it really makes me smile. Look at his cute little face! And his beautiful smile (which I get to see everyday!!!) and the funny yellow banana pants which he tried to put on with shoes in the middle of the store!

"I figure that if the weather is so bad that I have to wear these, they have to be bright so people can see me."

So. Cute.

The next thing I like also has to do with boating. It's the super cute plaid boat shoes that I found the other day. I haven't bought them yet because, well, I didn't have the money, but I think I'm going to. Since I'll be keeping B1 for as long as I live, that means I'll be on a boat at least a few times every summer, so I think I should have the proper shoes. :) And how freakin' fun are these? B1 confirmed that they are a good brand and he also confirmed that they were cool. Mine would be even cooler though, because the ones I saw were GREEN on the inside!!! So I think I'm going to get them.

Yesterday after work I went to the mall. I shopped and found these:They've very comfortable and were on sale for only $15! I have to admit, I look pretty cute today wearing them with my blue and white polka dotted skirt.

I like that it is sunny and warm out today.

I like that on Tuesday night B1 and I are going to a Sox game. We're sitting in the bleachers which, believe it or not, I've never done. I'm pretty excited.

I like that I'm taking Wednesday off to spend the day with B1. I thought that maybe we could go on the boat, but I don't think it'll be ready yet. But honestly, the fact that we will both have the day off to just spend time with each other is enough.

I like that next weekend we're going to CT to see my family and hopefully to swim in the pool. I like that we're going to see Rye Bread dance and then to see my good friend for dinner.

I like that the sky is blue and that there is a breeze.

I like that we have new towels, bowls and a rug in our bedroom.

I like that we are a we.

Picture Pages

2011-05-23T21:15:00.002-04:00

The view from the library roof...where I have lunch often...

The view from the boat store...where I helped B1 get into banana pants by shoving his head down. :)

So freaking cute, right?

The view from our kitchen...the wall of shame. 1 1/2 of those is mine-B1 has another one to add to that pile too. We've been bad at moving our cars!

The sun is kind of shining today...it's strange to see it again! Luckily for us today b/c it's the President's Picnic.

Summer is Coming...Right?

2011-05-23T13:49:00.003-04:00

It's been super rainy and gray here in the Boston area for the last week or so, and the end isn't near...as we drove past the salty water yesterday I dreamed of feeling it wash over me and yearned for the feeling of the hot sun baking it off.

I love the beach. And I can't wait to get there! I've been searching for a bathing suit for some time now and decided to order this:

I had a suit like this in the past and got tons of compliments on it-but I'm a lot lighter now than I was back then and I had to give it away. Hopefully this one will fit well so that I can put it to good use.

Oh how I can't wait to frolic in the sea!

Updates

2011-05-23T13:07:00.003-04:00

Check your bank statements everyone! This weekend someone withdrew $500 from my checking account by making a fake duplicate card-they used my pin number and everything. AND I was using the card while they were doing this. Scary stuff. My bank is giving me back the money during the investigation, but not for 1-2 business days. So for now, I'm 100% broke! (I do have $6...) I've been racking my brain thinking about where I used my card and can't figure out where they would have gotten me. It had to be at 1 of 2 ATM's I use...when I filed a police report this morning, I was told not to hold my breath-they apparently never catch these guys. It's sad and I wonder how many other people they got.

Other than this horrible debacle, I've been pretty good. I still feel great-though I have had some more pain which worries me. But the pain doesn't linger like it did, so that's got to be a good sign. I still walk without wincing and can sit for more than 20 minutes without feeling like I'm dying. I'm still hopeful that this won't be a lifelong thing.

On Thursday B1 & I went to dinner with an old friend of his and then saw a midnight showing of Pirates. I wasn't going to go at first mainly because I'm not a morning person and staying out that late on a work night wouldn't be a good thing for me...but also because B1 doesn't often get to play with his friends and I thought that he'd like some time alone with them...however, one person dropped out and I ended up taking that extra ticket. I'm glad I went. I don't know many of B1's friends and the ones I have met, I don't know very well. I feel like I had more time to listen to her and to let her see who I am, and I had fun. And the movie was good too-though we agreed that it really didn't need to be seen in IMAX...normal showing would have been OK.

I spent Saturday cleaning and shopping. B1 was working on the boat all day and then had to work, so I was left alone to do my thing. Which normally would be just fine, except that we haven't had a day to spend together for over 2 months and I have to admit I was sad about the fact that he was working. I miss our lazy Saturdays with breakfast, cartoons, cuddles and random trips to wherever we wanted to go...or not. I always looked forward to Saturdays. Even though we live together, I feel like we spend more time with our coworkers than with each other, and Saturday's was my way of reconnecting, if you will. Of course we talk and spend time together during the week, it's just...different, somehow, to have a day alone. In any case, B1 surprised me on Sunday by staying home!

He had to drive to RI to bring the rigging for his boat to be fixed, so I tagged along for the ride. We looked around the boat store and then stopped by a flea market/fair that we saw on the way down. It was lame. Very, very lame. But funny and it was nice to walk around holding my B1's hand, knowing that he didn't have to go to work or be anywhere but there with me. When we got home, I made us dinner (homemade paste w/ sauce), we took a late nap and then watched a movie.

I really missed days like that.

Unfortunately this morning started with the both of us getting parking tickets because we didn't move our cars (street cleaning) and then I had to go to the bank and to the police station...and already, I could use a nap!

How was your weekend?

Coloring in the Lines

2011-05-18T15:17:00.004-04:00

It was the 1st grade when I realized that I had a paperwork problem. I had piles and piles of papers stuffed in my desk, all half finished. Upon its discovery, my teachers pulled me aside and told me to stop trying to color in the lines so perfect and to just worry about doing the actual work.

This sped things up quite a bit, but I missed the coloring. It's easy to see that I still get wrapped up in piles of paper, little notes or half full (pretty) notebooks.

I have been working on the cookbook rather feverishly over the last few days. Overall things are going smoothly except for when I run into a paperwork problem. That problem, in this case, can be very time consuming. You see, when I want to cook something, I usually use a base recipe and then modify it as I see fit. Most times, the recipe easily becomes my own because, well, I've changed basically everything but the meat and overall feel of the dish (a curry will always be a curry, for example). The trouble is, I don't often write it down. Or worse, I write it down on a random piece of paper without making a note about what recipe it was for. So I'll find little post-it note sized paper with things like:

1 t. cinn -->2.5
Cook with pickling spice, add lemon

Which is great and all, but...what was I making when I wrote that? Why didn't I write it on the actual base recipe? Why didn't I write "Shrimp Bisque" on the top so I could make the changes later?

I don't know why. But it's a stupid habit that has cost me some time. And it's made me laugh at myself when, I tear my desk, kitchen and cabinets apart looking for clues to help me figure out these cryptic notes.

The good news is that this time I figured it out...but I wonder how many other little notes are floating around out there and whether or not I'll ever get a handle on paperwork.

Cookbook

2011-05-15T10:17:00.004-04:00

Some of you (who *might* still be reading) are friends with me on Facebook and I think it was there I announced that I am writing a cookbook. I have all of the recipes already-many of them are recipes from when I was a private chef last year-so that part won't be too terribly hard to pull together. It's the photos that will be difficult for me. I don't want the book to look amateurish. I'm not going to a traditional publisher but instead an online bookmaking site...so nice pictures will be imperative. So far, I have this one for my Thai Shrimp recipe:

I'm happy with it. I waited for a sunny day so I could use natural light and I set up my tripod and played with the settings on the camera. I took probably about 75 photos of this one plate from many different angles. All but about 3 of them were duds. I'm happy I got one that I like!

So that's where I am in the cookbook process. I'm compiling recipes, cooking and taking pictures. Maybe once the sun comes out in New England the pace will pick up a bit!

Squidface

2011-05-14T11:45:00.008-04:00

On Thursday I had my first ever cortisone shot in my back. It was painful and not pleasant but when I woke up yesterday, my level of pain had decreased. By end end of the day I had a spring back in my step and it only hurt when I bent backwards. That pain is still there and this morning I do feel it a little, but overall, I feel good. The doctor told me that it might take a few days for it to fully take. I'm hopeful. Already B1 noticed the difference in my mobility and commented that my smile is back. I feel good. I'm hoping it lasts...

Last night we went out on the town with my friend Jill. Weeks ago I received an invitation to attend a free Scotch tasting. B1 and I like whiskey so I thought it might be a cool and interesting thing to do on a Friday night. And it was free, so that was a plus too. Beforehand, the 3 of us made our way to Chinatown for dinner. This excited me, because I've only eaten in Boston's Chinatown once. After asking around and checking Yelp reviews, we chose to eat here:

It wasn't glamorous or trendy-but none of them really are. But it wasn't gross and dirty-which some of them really are! It was pretty well full even though it was early. Most of the patrons were of Asian descent, which I always take as a good sign. I'd heard that the lobster dish was good but I didn't feel like picking it out of the shells, and that was how it was served. Later, I decided that I should have gotten it and done the work because it looked really good.

What I did get was beef with ginger and scallions. It was tasty but there was WAY too much ginger and after I was done, I was still hungry. B1's dish was good-he chose roasted duck with some sort of thin noodles. Jill's dish was the main attraction. She ordered "#181 Seafood" without asking what it was. My friend Jill isn't someone I'd describe as an adventurous eater. She's not picky, but I wouldn't say it was characteristic of her to order something without asking about it...but she did. And she paid for it.

The funniest moment at dinner was when our dishes were placed before us and she scoffed at the seafood dish telling me to eat up and enjoy in a sarcastic tone. Her face fell when I told her that it was her meal!! The plate was indeed piled high with seafood but it was in a thin, clear sauce that looked sort of like semen. The seafood was mostly squid but there were some shrimp (not cleaned-she didn't that!) and a couple of scallops. This little guy really grossed her out:

Now, I love squid and calamari but in this dish, on that plate, I have to admit, it was kind of a turn off. I plucked it off of her plate for her and there it sat in the corner the whole time. Overall, I'd say it was OK but I wouldn't go back...there's bound to be better places in Chinatown for sure. Since we were still hungry, we walked across the street to a Chinese bakery for some treats. I chose this, a coconut butter bun:

It was delicious. In fact, I wish I had one now! It was sweet but not too sweet and buttery but not in a greasy sort of way. The bun itself was soft...overall, a huge win for only $1!

After we filled our bellies with Chinese delights, we made our way to the tasting. It was held in a club/theater in the theater district. B1 had been to this place recently to see a show with his brother so I was excited to see the inside. It was, indeed, pretty. And when we walked in, we were greeted by pretty people. Girls in tight black dresses-of course-were waiting to check us in. Our picture was taken and we were told it'd be emailed to us...however, this is what I had in my inbox this morning:

Clearly not Jill and I!! Hopefully these guys enjoyed our silly picture that we took...

And so the night proceeded and we tasted several different Scotches made by the company hosting the event. They were very good-one was a little too strong for me (I think it was the 12 year old?) but the others were nice. I would have liked it if they gave us a flight of the Scotch so that we could compare them side to side though. It would have helped me taste the differences. I don't think Jill enjoyed herself but I know B1 and I liked it (though the presentation was a little bit boring, it was interesting nonetheless). Afterward, we went to a local dive bar that B1 wanted to take me to. There, we promptly ordered Jack & Gingers!

Our night ended with us getting snacks at a piano bar on the edge of Chinatown. A friend of mine suggested we go here a while ago but I'd forgotten it was a piano bar, so that was a fun surprise. While we only stayed for a little bit, it was fun to eat our pretzels and fried pickles while singing and watching people have fun.

I love feeling normal again. I love my city and my B1 and my friend Jill and I love all of the out of the ordinary things that living here has to offer. My life is so much better than it ever could have been if I had stayed in CT and nights like last night remind me of that.

...and now, I'm off to the gym! Hopefully I won't keel over...it's been a while!

Just Like Brian Wilson

2011-05-06T09:02:00.002-04:00

Dear Brian Wilson,

I wish you were never lying in bed. If you'd just gotten up, walked around, perhaps gone to see some movies...Steven Page would never have written that awful song and it would never have been stuck in my head for days.

That is all.

Thank you,

Mags

Another Cake...

2011-05-03T10:06:00.003-04:00

I was asked to plan and execute a dual baby shower for work and after thinking about it, I decided I wanted to make their cake. I didn't come up with this design myself at all; I searched online and liked this so I replicated it. I also made little chocolate ducks and put them in blue confetti as favors. It was a big hit.

The cake, by the way, was chocolate with caramel mousse filling with vanilla buttercream...4 layers of goodness. :)

I hope you're all doing well!

Cake Reveal

2011-04-17T12:18:00.005-04:00

So, it's done...cake #9. And overall, I'm happy with it. There were a couple of snaps-one was that I ran out of buttercream so I had to buy a tub of store bought frosting. No big deal. The other was that I ran out of black fondant, which made the finishing touches now so great...mainly the pocketbook straps. They're thin and not as long as they should have been and also, they're turned around the wrong direction because of their length. But no one really noticed and everyone did a double take when they learned that it was a cake. This one was not as difficult to make as last years-it only took about 6 hours to make while the parrot took over 15. The hardest part for me was working with fondant as this is only the 2nd cake I've ever made using it. I always work magic with buttercream-so it was tough. Also, hand painting the zebra strips was nerve racking and time consuming...but it all worked out in the end...and special thanks to my B1 for designing and building the cake stand-made to look like a girly pink dresser top with crown drawer pulls. Thanks baby! We make a great team. :)

I think next year's cake will move.

Time Flies

2011-04-15T17:23:00.001-04:00

I can't believe that this was already a year ago...this night last year I was freaking out because I was going on a second date with the cutest boy I might ever kiss...and we got rained on, we were freezing and we snuggled under one of his coats. And then we went to get drinks and hot food and sat by a fire. Our second date. A year ago. Already...man am I the luckiest girl on earth.

We're heading down to CT tonight so that I can wake up in the morning and start decorating cakes. I baked them (4) and made fondant (purple) and buttercream (chocolate) today and did a test run of painting with food coloring. It works, I just need to find something to look at so that I have a guide and it ends up looking like zebra print.

No drips-and that's what I was testing...and now I'm going to get us dinner so that we can eat and then jet. Have a great weekend-I'll post pics for sure.

Cake Week

2011-04-13T21:04:00.004-04:00

Progress...

Comes at a messy price:

By the way-do you still get 7 years bad luck if the mirror is made of fondant?

MRI Going 2 Feel Better Soon?

2011-04-13T13:21:00.001-04:00

If they said that nothing was technically wrong, I probably would have jumped...out the window. From a high building. If they said that nothing was technically wrong, they would not be able to fix it and I would be looking at (possibly) a lifetime of chronic pain. But there is something wrong and they're pretty sure that there are solutions that will make me feel better.

I got my MRI results yesterday. 2 "moderately sized" protruding disks that are pushing on my nerve roots. Which is why sometimes it hurts to walk. And why sitting for a long time hurts. And why even now as I am writing this, I feel pinching in my lower back, upper butt area. I am happy they found something. It's almost like a validation of why I've been in pain since January.

Now that we know, I have yet another doctor to see; a spine specialist. I am not 100% certain why I have to go to see another specialist, especially because the first one I saw said that if the results come back with disc problems, we'd be able to do injections. But he passed me off and so I wait. 3 weeks. I have to wait another 3 weeks to talk to another doctor who will want to evaluate me before prescribing treatment. And then I'll wait some more while we try to find appointments. Needless to say, I'm frustrated. Though I am not looking forward to the prospect of having large needles stuck into my lower back, I am looking forward to the possibility that they might end the swelling and that my discs will go back into their spinal home and I'll be able to skip and run and play like I used to. At the very least, I'd like to be able to go for walks with B1 and enjoy being outside in the sunshine. And to exercise again...oh, to exercise!

So there you have it...progress. It's a good thing I pushed for an MRI, huh? Without it, I'd still be getting 20 minute massages from a physical therapist in the hopes that someday I'd get better.

In other news, I am thinking about a cookbook again...nothing huge or super duper fancy, but a collection of some of my favorite recipes wrapped up together in a book. I wonder if it will be successful...

List Love (or I Love Lists)

2011-04-08T15:59:00.002-04:00

These are some of the things I would like to finish in the apartment (in no particular order):

Wall of mirrors
Paint the hallway
Fix the paper towel rack
Clean the fingerprints off of the ceiling in the dining room
Paint the kitchen table/refinish chairs
Fabric to cover pillows in the living room

I would like to acquire these things for our house:

Lampshades for the chandelier
New bath towels/face clothes
A rug for the bedroom (I KNOW you want a rug for the bedroom! LOL)
A small grill (which would then require fake turf, some chairs and a string of lights
Small lamp for the kitchen

This summer I would like to do the following things:

Learn to sail and sail more with B1
Go to the beach at least once a month
Go hiking in the woods at least once a month
Go camping with B1 & maybe my sisters at least twice
Grill outside on a regular basis
Shop farmers markets weekly
Attend a gallery opening in the South End
Go to a free, outdoor concert
See more live bands
Shakespeare in the park
Go to at least 1 state/town fair
Work a craft fair
Pay off all of my bills so that I can start saving again
Spend 4th of July in/around Boston on the water
Take at least one road trip, hopefully staying overnight

2011-04-08T12:53:00.001-04:00

Today's mood: Sad, frustrated, bored...

So far today I have checked the news (twice), the weather, looked up and researched local craft fairs & their booth fees, created business labels (for my own business) and checked airlines for cheap flights to Orlando. Oh-I also wrote of list of things that I need to do around the house, things I want to buy for the house and things I want to do this summer. All while the other girls work on projects for an event coming up-one that my dean sponsors.

I did have a frustrating conversation about a certain task that needs to be done this summer while my co-worker is out on maternity leave. Yesterday I basically told the director in charge of this task that I would love to take the lead on this, but I will not do it if I have to pick up the pieces next month when she goes away. In other words, I do it from start to finish and not in between. She agreed. This morning she came in to talk about it with me and my co-worker heard and came out to say she talked with our boss and she wants to do it all by herself. The director told my co-worker that she explained things incorrectly to my boss and that she (the director) and I are meeting with my boss next week to talk about this. My co-worker has given me the cold shoulder the entire rest of the day. Which is OK but everyone thinks she is a goddess and that makes me look like the bitch.

All I want is work. Why is that so hard to understand? Why are 2 people basically in charge of doing all of the work? Why have I had to fight to get ANYTHING and then fight to keep it once I have it? Talk about control freaks! You think they'd be thrilled that I have less work to do by design and that they could unload a crap load of it on me.

Needless to say, I am updating my resume and cover letter this weekend and making an appointment with HR next week to talk about the other job on campus. I'm tired of this ongoing battle. It's time to move onto a place where I am appreciated and where I can make a difference.

Update

2011-04-05T15:59:00.006-04:00

B1 brought me flower last week. Bright sunny mums that brighten our office. I clipped a little bunch to put on our kitchen table. The elephants are also from B1-they were a valentine's day gift...

I've been ticking along on the diet, though I blew it last night when we went to meet my good friend Terri who dropped in for a few hours from Florida. I've been eating the menu for breakfast, snacks and lunch and then I make dinner for B1 and I at home. I typically use a Cooking Light or Weight Watchers recipe.

Monday night's dinner:

Seared tuna (with coriander & thyme) over garlic spinach with roasted tomatoes and potato wedges. Quite tasty and good for us too!

Tuesday night was sweet and sour pork:

Thin strips of pork, sherry, snow peas, pineapple and red peppers. Ginger, garlic and soy sauce made up the flavoring. Very yummy!

I am thinking about maybe leaving my current position at work. I haven't been really happy there for a little while mainly because of one coworker but recently it's grown to the fact that I don't have enough to do. The duties in our office are so skewed that some people have too much and others, like me, have nothing. I've spoken up way too many times but nothing ever happens. In fact, we had a new girl start this week and she's being given some of the tasks. I've always felt like I had to fight for what I do and had to protect everything because that coworker would take it. It's fairly ridiculous and it's getting tiring.

There is another position open in another area of the school. I'm very interested in it, but I'm not 100% sure I'm qualified. I don't know if I should ask HR about it though-I don't want to jeopardize my current job if I don't have to. Anyway, I have a lot to think about. I don't want to be unhappy at work. I spend too much time there. We'll see...

I'm scheduled to get an MRI tomorrow night. I went to see the orthopedic doctor and he feels I do indeed have a budging disk. If it shows up on the MRI I might go forward with Cortisone injections to stop the swelling and to get that sucker back in place.

So there it is-an update on me. It's not a flowery update with lots of pretty words, but it's a start, right?

Kumquat Say What?

2011-04-02T16:18:00.002-04:00

Official diet day 1...breakfast. Not too shabby.

Have you ever had a kumquat? I hadn't until last week. They were on sale at Whole Foods and I was intrigued. I wasn't quite ready for the super sour squirt of juice that hits you when you bit into the little fruit. At first, I hated it-and then an instant later the sweetness of the rind hit me and I loved it. I craved them all day after that first taste. The thing is, after a day or so of eating them, I was done. I think I overdid it that first day.

In other news, Bella-boo says "Hi!"

Love, P-Town Style...Well, Kind Of

2011-03-31T21:30:00.000-04:00

I can't believe it...it's already been a year since I met the man of my dreams-the man who makes me feel like I'm the prettiest girl in the world and who picks me up when I am feeling down. One year. It feels like longer...and yet, not.

I've had a lot of ups and downs this past year and he's stood by me every step of the way. I don't know why, but I'm grateful that he stuck it out and that he loves me even though I'm very imperfect.

I love so many different things about him-his heart, his spirit, his brain...his crooked smile and bear hugs, his whispers and his jokes. He's so much more than I ever though he could be and sometimes I just look at him and smile because he's mine. And I'm his. And we're crazy in love. And that's a wonderful thing.

To celebrate our anniversary, B1 and I took a trip to Provincetown. I took Friday off and we meandered our way to the Cape via back roads, stopping whenever we felt like it to eat lunch

Stuffed Quahogs and Chowder

Couldn't finish it all...had to give it to B1.

and to enjoy the scenery...

Just cool
This sign was in the ladies room at a state park-it was so oddly placed I had to wait for a lady to finish peeing so I could take a picture of it.

He's bad ass...or not.

I see hearts

"Clamikin" :)

The majority of P-town closes down for the winter and doesn't open until this weekend. We knew that our time there would be sleepy and quiet and we were more than OK with that. We both love the ocean and just being near the water was enough for us. Our first night we had a casual dinner at a local pub and then walked back to our (upgraded) room hand in hand. The rest of the night was spent lying in bed watching the fire and listening to the wind.

It was heavenly.
In love and nowhere to be

The next day we slept in and had breakfast at the inn. The food was served in a free standing room in the backyard. It had high ceilings with exposed wood beams, lots of windows which allowed the sun to pour through and a wood burning stove. Breakfast was simple, (bagels, muffins, hard boiled eggs, cereal/fruit and of course coffee and juice) but perfect. We sat and talked to the other guests and afterward, sat and enjoyed a second cup of coffee on the love seat after everyone else left. I was in heaven.

After breakfast we went back to the room to relax and shower before heading out for the day. Our car was parked the entire weekend so we walked everywhere. We check out the shops that were open, had lunch and roamed around the residential areas. And of course, we looked at the boats. :)

I loved our weekend away and was very sad when it was over. It's so nice to be cut off from the rest of the world-no phones, no computers..just B1 and I wrapped up in our own little world of love. It's wonderful.

If this year was this good-I can only imagine how the rest of our lives are going to be...

The Afghan

2011-03-31T20:43:00.006-04:00

There are many things I've always loved about blogging, but the very best thing has been meeting new people and making new friends. Last year you might recall that I took my first trip to Chicago. While there, I got to spend time with my friend Mo:

to stalk a blogger I've been quietly reading for years and to meet Melisa:

and Lou:
I had such a wonderful time and can't wait to go back. Do you remember that Lou's mother "Grannie" knitted Melisa and I hats?

Before my trip I was looking for a cute hat on Etsy and ended up getting something that looked completely different than it did on the website. Lou and Grannie came to my rescue and gifted me the lovely black hat shown above. It's still my very favorite winter hat and I get many compliments on it whenever I wear it.

Last month when I was having a really hard time and was particularly down and out about my injury, Lou contacted me to tell me that Grannie wanted to make me a gift. She wanted to make me an afghan. Of course, I was touched that they both wanted to make me smile and I was psyched because I love handmade things. Especially when they are made with love. It's been a few weeks since I received their lovely gift and it's brought me a lot of comfort when I've been feeling the worst. It's just the right size and it's soft and warm and I'm so grateful for the friendship that created it.

Thank you Grannie, and thank you Lou. Your kindness has touched my heart and it means more to me than you'll ever know.

I'm Not Dead

2011-03-30T09:24:00.001-04:00

There's a post coming soon...I swear.

Brass Monkey

2011-03-23T10:10:00.004-04:00

You might remember that a couple of weeks ago I purchased a used flute from a local woman who no longer plays. I was pleasantly surprised when I looked at it because it was in such great condition. While it's only a "beginner" flute, it still plays nicely and has beautiful sound quality. My fingers were twitching with anticipation and the first time I played, I played for over 3 hours!

I was really proud of myself, too, because I picked it right up and played pretty well. I'm amazed that I am still able to read the music and that I remember the fingering too. The only notes I have trouble with are the ones that I was just learning when I stopped in junior high (the really, really high pitched ones) and while my fingers still stumble over some of the faster music, I play very well. There are 2 things that are holding me back now though. The first is that the music books I currently own are the advanced ones from when I was younger. I need to find music that is maybe one step lower so that I can build my way back again. This is an easy fix, I just have to find a music store that sells music. I haven't really looked yet, so I'm sure I'll find one soon. The second thing is that I don't have a music stand anymore. And because of my back problem, I can't sit on the bed or the floor for hours playing the flute like I used to....not without being stiff afterward anyway. So I've been looking on CraigsList for a free/cheap metal stand. In my search, I came across this beauty:

Isn't it pretty? It's an adjustable brass stand-pretty rare, I'd say. I mean, I've never actually seen one in person so I know they aren't a dime a dozen anymore. The guy was asking $50 for it-which is probably a fare price, but much more than I wanted to pay. So I offered him $30. He countered with $40 and while that's also a good price, I'm sure-it's still more than I wanted to pay. And it's not something I really NEED...so I wrote back, telling him that if he decides that $30 is OK, to please let me know.

And he did! I asked B1 what he thought about it and he thinks that if I can get it for $30 and I want it, I should get it. (Which is what I knew he'd say-he's a firm believer that I should buy pretty things for myself-and while I won't be wearing this-I can see it being pretty in our home for years to come!) Now, the only thing I'm waiting for is a time for me to go pick it up. It lives about 1/2 hour away from Boston and we're going away on Friday morning...so I'm hoping that he will let me get it tonight after work.

Hopefully by tonight I'll be playing slightly too hard music on a beautiful old brass music stand!

Birthday Cake #9

2011-03-22T14:23:00.003-04:00

Here is my first sketch of this year's cake for Rye Bread. She's having a karaoke party and I'm thinking of having a read IPod under the cake in a platform so music really plays out of it. However, I don't think this screams karaoke party...even with the added microphone in front. Trouble is, kids her age would have NO idea what a record player is-which is what my original thought was (it would have moved!) My other option is a Juke Box...but it'd have to light up.

What do you think?

Around the World & Back Again

2011-03-14T09:16:00.002-04:00

On this day 36 years ago the love of my life was born...Happy birthday baby-I love you with all of my heart and soul...

Away
by Max Ehrmann

I weary of those noisy nights, Of shallow jest and coarse "good cheer" Of jazzy sounds and brilliant lights Come, Love, let us away from here.

Let us lay down this heavy load; And, side by side, far away from town, Drive on some lonely country road; And, wondering, watch the sun go down.

What time is left to us, come, Love. The woods, the fields shall make us whole; The nightly pageantry above Our little world, keeps sweet our soul.

No peace this city's madness yields - A tawdry world in cheap veneer. Out there the lovely woods and fields Come, Love, away from here.

Don't Quit

2011-03-04T11:04:00.002-05:00

I've been in (almost) constant pain all week. It's starting to wear on me; I am trying to stay focused and optimistic and to not let it creep into my heart and pull me down, but it's getting harder. As I type this, I'm choking up because I just don't want to feel hurt anymore. I would like to cut off my right shoulder and start over...

I have a physical therapy appointment but it's not until the 17th. I am hoping that this will be the missing link to my recovery and that by summer I won't feel this pain anymore. I want to be able to move without wincing, to sleep without whimpering and to hug the people I love without worrying I'll be squeezed too hard.

This is an old poem I read now and again to remind me to keep going, even when I don't want to. It's not really specific to pain but I thought it'd be a good reminder today...

DON'T QUIT
by Edgar A. Guest

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
when the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
when the funds are low and the debts are high,
and you want to smile but you have to sigh,
when care is pressing you down a bit - rest if you must,
but don't you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out - the silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
and when you never can tell how close you are,
it may be near when it seems afar;
so stick to the fight when you're hardest hit - it's when things seem worst,
you must not quit.

Friday. Yeah-Creative Title

2011-02-25T11:43:00.005-05:00

Today would have been the perfect day to play hookie. It's cold and rainy. My B1 was warm and cute and curled up in bed and I have 2 new books sitting on my nightstand that could have been read while snuggling up next to him. Plus, my boss has not been here this week, so it's been slow.

Alas, I went to work...but TGIF!

I've been searching for a used flute that is less than $100. Unsuccessfully. I am amazed that people are asking for more than that-especially when the flutes they are selling are beginner flutes. I'm beginning to worry I won't be able to start playing again because I can't afford to get a new one. I'm still baffled by what could have happened to mine; I know I had it when I moved from CT to Boston...

I still have my piccolo. But that's far less pretty to listen to (our neighbor Joe would kill me!) and not as fun to play. I picked it up the other day and was happy to find that I remembered the keys and which notes they played. At least, I think I do. Now I just have to find the equipment and remember how to read music...I'm sure it will all come back to me. If I don't make it to this round of lessons I'll play myself and then go next time.

If I find a flute, that is.

One of my sisters is coming to visit next weekend with her daughter, Rye Bread. I'm very excited about it. Rye Bread is the only member of my family who has seen my current home. I've been feeling sort of crappy about the fact that my family doesn't seem to be able to make it up here, even when I ask them to. So the fact that my sister is coming is great-but what is even better is that SHE initiated the visit. Which is nice. Because I always go down there.

On some Friday's I treat myself to an everything bagel with cream cheese and a dark roast coffee from my favorite local coffee shop. Because I was running late and because it was rainy I decided that today was that kind of Friday. They know me know, and know that I order an everything bagel, not toasted, with cream cheese...and when I walk in, they automatically get it without me even asking. This makes me very happy. I love it when people remember me, especially b/c I always feel like I am not memorable. There's one girl there though, who gets my bagel, puts it in the bag and sends me on my way...without slicing the bagel. Who does that? I mean, I ordered it with cream cheese (on the side) so she knows I'm going to eat it in halves...so why would you not slice it? Doesn't she know a bagel, no matter how fresh, is hard to slice with plastic knives? No matter-it's still a yummy Friday treat.

I am trying to find a craft fair or flea market where I can sell my goods. So far I've found one but the date is bad and so I'm not doing it. I also have to think about cost-I don't have a lot of extra money right now b/c I'm paying off bills and in order to do this, I'd have to re-stock my entire box collection as well as buy huge amounts of flour, eggs and other ingredients...I want to get out there, but I don't want to lose too much money.

I also have been thinking that in between now and the time I'll own a cafe (someday?) I could maybe open a food truck. They're pretty expensive too, though...and I'm not entirely certain about how they work successfully. I'll think more on this.

I'm feeling a bit random. Can you tell?

The Life Of A Butterfly

2011-02-23T12:00:00.005-05:00

I am certain that you don't know this about me already, but...I'm a worrier. I know, shocking, right? My brain doesn't often slow down; I worry about life passing me by, about whether or not I've said or done the wrong thing or that I am ruining something that started out good. I can't help it. I actively try not to over think things, but then I start to over think that.

This time last year I was feeling good about myself. I was living on my own in a new apartment, making it my own and loving it. I was setting and achieving weight loss goals and fitting into new clothes. I was working out and eating well...I was going out, doing things, meeting new people. I was accepting the fact that I might be alone for the rest of my life. And then I met my B1-and life seemed to all of a sudden be even better.

And don't you know it that almost immediately, I began to worry that I would lose him. Neither of us is perfect. We've done things that hurt each others feelings and gotten into arguments. But B1 has never done anything to truly make me question his love for me. He's never even yelled at me. Not once. So what the hell is my problem? Why do I worry about these things?

I know I sound like a broken record-but this is my blog and this is how I process things. This, I feel is one of the ways I get through my life and how I always manage to get better at whatever it is I have to improve upon. If these posts frustrate you, please feel free to move on...

The day we went skiing I looked at my B1 sitting on the sidelines watching me fall. I smiled because he came over to see how my lesson was going; I smiled because he is mine. I did not care that he was watching me fall. I did not care that I was the worst in my class...well, I didn't care that he SAW me being the worst in my class. I was happy. The sun was shining, I was doing something new and active, I had a friend with me and best of all, the love of my life was on the sidelines smiling and waving at me.

On the way home I was so content and happy. I wanted to keep those moments in my head for later, when I wasn't feeling so good about things. Sunday is tucked away for such a time. I hope that it works.

I have several of these snapshots but haven't really ever tapped into them. One of my favorites is actually from Christmas day in B1's father's house. I looked up and he was smiling at me with is lovey dovey eyes and he mouthed, "I love you". The whole world fell away, like it tends to do with him. It makes me smile to think about it, I have to remember to pull these moments out of my heart when my head is doing crazy things.

There are other things I need to do. For myself. Not for us. But actually, for us because it's for myself. If that makes sense. I have to feel good about my life-not just about our life. And to do that, I have to do some things...

I'm already actively back on a diet. I've had a few days/nights when I went off of it, but I did last year too, and it worked for me. Missing out on home made bacon, onion and cheddar burgers and tots with B1 or nachos and drinks with my friends is not worth it. Those things feed my soul; make life a little more better. Since starting a few weeks ago I've lost 5 pounds; and I am back to the weight I was last year when I stopped actively trying to lose. From now on, everything I lose is new and one step closer to my goal. Which I will reach by the end of the year.

Going along with the diet is being more active. We did pretty good this summer and fall by getting out and walking now and then, but I stopped going to the gym regularly. It sucks and I hate it when I'm there, but when I feel the salty sweat dripping down my skin and the miles racking up on the odometer I feel good. When I can keep up with the skinny girls next to me or the jacked guys in front of me, I feel good. When I visualize how I will look and feel when these pounds start melting away again, I feel good. And when I get home and sit down to dinner and am drinking more water and my muscles ache, I feel good. I'm getting back on this track and once the weather gets a little nicer (read: snow melts away from sidewalks and trails) I will get outside more. Because I love outside.

I used to read a lot. Lately books haven't captured my attention as much, but I'd like to get back into this. It centers me; relaxes me. Makes me feel like I'm traveling even though I can't afford to go anywhere.

I haven't been cooking much. Other than dinner for B1 and I, I don't cook for fun. I used to test recipes and bring them into work or bake things just because I wanted to decorate them. The key here is to balance this creativity with the diet portion of my plan. Savory, flaky goodies will not help my skinny clothes goal.

Long ago, I was obsessed with playing my flute. I was good. Real good. And there was a time when I HAD to play it at least once a day. It got me through a lot of hard stuff growing up and I'm not really sure why I stopped playing. I'm going to start again. A local adult education venue is offering a 7 class series and I'd like to sign up. The only trouble is, I seem to have lost my flute! I am in the process of securing a used one so that I can start getting creative again. I think my soul needs it.

Through the same adult ed place I am attending a lecture called "Changing Your Inner Talk". I'm hoping that this will help me push down those negative thoughts that surface when things are not 100% perfect.

And if that doesn't help, it's OK. I started the process of trying to find a therapist. With the help of someone I saw a couple of months ago, I hope to be able to talk about all of these things every other week until things are sorted out-until I can separate these doubts and thoughts from my real present life.

I'm not willing to let this ruin my life. I'm not willing to lose this good life that I've been blessed with. And I'm not willing to continue living in a world where everything has to be perfect or else it's falling apart.

It'll be hard. I'll continue to fall and am certain that I'll have days where I just can't push these things away. But I am determined to live my NOW life in a happier, healthier way.

1...2...3...

GO!

The Secret to Happiness

2011-02-23T10:34:00.001-05:00

"To fall in love with yourself is the first secret to happiness."

Robert Morely

This picture has nothing to do with the quote-it just makes me smile.

The Bunny Hill

2011-02-22T10:28:00.003-05:00

I went skiing for the first time on Sunday. It was a nice sunny day; cold, but nice. B1, my friend Jill and I piled into my car and we drove 1.5 hours to the nearest nice ski resort. I wasn't nervous. I was excited. I've been feeling good lately-only a few minor aches and pains. It never really goes away, but it's not as bad as it has been, so I felt OK to finally go.

I worried a little about my knee. I brought my brace but forgot to put it on. I should have put it on. My knee is swollen now. It was worth it though.

I had a frustrating morning because Jill and I took a group lesson and I was at the back of the group. By the time I made it back up the hill, the instructor was already teaching the class something new. He didn't watch anything I did and I was flying down the hill while others were slowly meandering in nice zigs and zags. Finally, when the entire class was ready to go all the way up the bunny hill, he told me to stay down at the middle and he'd work with me in a few minutes. When he finally came back, he quickly assessed what I was doing wrong and we corrected it. He then told me how to do something else and turned his back...not watching again! I was tired of walking sideways up the hill and tired of being the only one down at the bottom still "learning". And the most frustrating thing was-he wasn't even watching me. So he'd tell me to do something but then he'd turn away. I felt a little cheated, I'm not gonna lie.

I finally made it up to the top and was able to ski down without incident. I had to stop a few times, but I felt that was OK for my first time. The second time down, I fell and took my skis off, got up and put them back on. The next time I managed to ski down but ended up going way too fast again-repeating the problem I had on the bottom. I had to stop after that because my knee was swelling from the fall. I felt sad because I wanted to keep practicing, but I knew better. This knee has been a problem since 6th grade. I know when not to push it.

I liked skiing. I liked trying something new and liked feeling like at some point, I can be good at this. I hope. I think it's incredibly relaxing (even when I was flying down the hill yelling "Get out of my way!" or "I'm gonna hit you-I'msorryI'msorryI'msorry!") I wish it wasn't so expensive. I'd go again this weekend if I could afford it.

Next winter I'm so gonna rock.

How?

2011-02-18T09:37:00.005-05:00

How do you get past your past? How do you suppress feelings of insecurity and memories of being betrayed? How do you NOT make the person you love feel horrible when it looks like you don't trust them...when in fact you do?

I'm struggling with this. I need help figuring out how I can let go of past relationships; the ones that hurt the most. Those relationships that ended because he went away and came back with someone else. The one where he tried to mold me into someone else...his ex-girlfriend. Or the one that ended because I wasn't worthy enough of his love. These relationships are so ingrained in me that I don't even actively think about them-I act.

I react. I don't rationalize the fact that B1 is not them. Though I know this. I know in my heart that he is trustworthy, that he loves me very much and that he will come home-to me. And not have someone else on the side. I know these things and yet doubt creeps in when he tells me he's going away or doing something out of the ordinary.

I have to do better. He deserves better-he deserves to feel the trust I have for him, not just to hear the words I say. The question is-how do I do this in the heat of the moment? How do I suppress what naturally bubbles up first?

Loosen Up My Buttons

2011-02-17T09:27:00.003-05:00

I've been gone. It's not that I've been super busy or depressed. I've just been...here. We've gone out with friends, B1 built a wall and we painted it, went to dinner and played pool at the place we met, bought new bedding and planned a mini-vacation for our anniversary in March. Work has been OK. I'm on a diet and started going back to the gym. I almost joined a community choir. I'm going to start playing the flute again instead and will start lessons up in March. I'm going downhill skiing for the first time on Monday.

But there's nothing to really report and I don't really feel inspired to make up stories or write poetry. I'm not sure if this means I'm outgrowing blogging or if I just need a jump start but I hope to figure it out soon; I don't like leaving things in an open ended way. I like to have things buttoned up, complete. Figured out.

Today feels springlike. It'll be about 50 degrees. Already there's a charge of energy, of hope, in the air. I think spring has now become my 2nd favorite season (instead of my 3rd). Perhaps it's my love of new beginnings that makes this so.

I'm wearing a sweater with flowers on it today.

TRUCK DAY!

2011-02-08T09:38:00.003-05:00

Today is truck day. That means that spring is just around the corner and that means that baseball is almost here!!

I've never been to truck day and have wanted to go ever since moving here 3 years ago. This year I was going to go, but then I fell and was out of work for too long and didn't feel right about taking the day off...next year, for sure, I'm going!

I have one set of tickets already for April and plan on getting at least 2 more sets. Maybe in July around my birthday and then in late August or early September...oh how I love baseball!

I'm A Cool Aunt

2011-02-04T11:43:00.002-05:00

Rye Bread is coming to stay with us this weekend, so I went shopping:

That looks like a pretty fun loot, no?

In other news, I had my hair cut last night and I hate it. I feel like a troll.

Snow Woe

2011-02-01T12:47:00.001-05:00

Hey-did you hear? It's snowing in New England?!?!

Oh. My. Word. It all anyone can talk about. It's kind of getting annoying.

Yes. It's snowing. A lot. It's been a rough winter. Yes, it's cold and yes, we're slated to get more snow. A lot more. We live in New England. It's what it does. Oh, and by the way? There's nothing you can do about it...so please, PLEASE stop complaining about it!

As you might recall, I work in a university. For the Dean of the school. So everyone is asking me if we're leaving early. Or not coming in tomorrow. Like I know! (She's not the one who makes that call.) I do hope we get out early and that we have a snow day tomorrow. With my eye being messed up (Oh-did I not tell you? I have another corneal ulcer...does it never end?!) it would be nice to rest at home. And not have to shovel before 8am. I just hope they call it soon, because, well...my phone is ringing off the hook here!

Stay safe. It is pretty bad outside...

It's That Time Again

2011-01-30T17:56:00.002-05:00

It's no secret that I struggle with my weight. And while I have lost a lot in the last year, the truth is, I stopped losing weight sometime around June. This is mainly due to the fact that I stopped actively trying. My visits to the gym stopped (with the exception of a trip now and then) and I stopped counting every single calorie that went into my mouth. Luckily, I haven't gained a significant amount of it back (2-3 pounds up and down). But I haven't lost. And I'm really disappointed in myself.

I'm trying, once again, to get back into the actively losing weight stage. It was about this time last year when I bought a pair of jeans that were 2 size smaller than I wore with the intent of being able to wear them by the end of the spring. I succeeded and felt really great about myself. And then I met B1, which made me feel even better. So it's time to get back into that mindset-the one that says I'm going to be 2 sizes smaller by the end of the spring.

Realistically, that's not going to happen this time. For one, I am not joining Jenny Craig again. I would really love to, but I can't afford it. The food is way too expensive for me to justify it, which makes me kind of sad because it worked really well for me. Instead, I are carefully planning meals and counting everything I eat. It's tiresome. But hopefully it'll work. This week-without exercising-I lost 1.6 pounds. That's encouraging but I have to get back to the gym in order for that to really work.

My back has been good and then bad and then good and then horrible. I had to come home from work on Friday because I was in so much pain I couldn't sit. I had to take a muscle relaxer during the day to stop the spasms. Then when B1 and I went to bed that night, I was in worse pain-pain like I've never experienced, actually. Thankfully B1 was there calming me down and holding me through the waves of pain that washed over me until the 2nd muscle relaxer and the Vicodin started to work. I'm worried that if I go back to the gym, I might end up hurting myself again. My doctor said I can be active and that I just can't shovel or lift really heavy things yet. So I could go and run on the elliptical like I used to. I think I'm going to try to do that tomorrow or Tuesday to see how it works. I just so scared of hurting again!

I remembered something today. I was thinking about how heavy I used to be when I was married. It was a lot and I was disgusted with myself and my ex-husband was very vocal about how disgusted he was with me too (even though he was fat when we met and I was skinny). One time, we were talking about something that had a weight limit and I said I couldn't participate b/c of it. He looked at me like I was the slimiest piece of shit he ever layed eyes on and shook his head in shame. Today, I have a man in my life who tells me I don't have to be skinny to be gorgeous because I already am. And he tells me how hot he thinks I am on a fairly regular basis. And I believe that he means it and I'm grateful for that. But I still want to change.

We're planning on getting married at some point and I already know what kind of dress I want. While I know that I could probably pull it off now, I also know that if I reach my goal weight I'd knock it out of the park. Additionally, I don't want to have to shop online or pay extra for bigger clothes. It's been so wonderful shopping in the "normal" stores since losing weight-but I still can't shop in them 100% of the time. It would be so awesome to be able to just walk into any store I wanted to buy a shirt. Or pants. Or...anything, really, without having to worry about looking foolish for even walking in.

Yes, I want to start this process again-the getting serious about bettering myself for me and feeling a sense of pride when people see me and tell me how great I look. And yes, to feel the triumph of fitting into something that I normally wouldn't be able to. Yes. It's time. My time.

Parking Markers

2011-01-28T09:29:00.004-05:00

The picture above is not my neighborhood, but it is my city. This neighborhood is in much better condition than mine. Our street is so packed with snow, parking on the non-emergency side isn't going to happen for quite some time. Probably not until spring. It's getting pretty tiresome having to get out of the car before pulling away (or before parking) so that I can remove the step stool that I am using to hold my place. But at least our neighbors don't seem to be jerks and they haven't stolen our spots.

Well...at least not mine. Someone stole B1's spot when it first snowed and put their own cones in the spot. Can you believe the nerve? He's so funny though-he promptly took the cones out of the spot, parked there, and then left this note: Dear neighbor. Do not park in a spot that you did not shovel. Thanks, B1.

I worried about what they'd do to his car after that, but so far, nothing. In fact, they just park in front of him now. (I think they stole that spot too-can you believe?) It's an unwritten law of the hoods in this city that you don't mess with someone else's shoveled spot-if they've marked it. If not, well, then...it's fare game. But if there's a bucket, a barrel, a chair or in as in my case, a ladder, in there-leave it alone!

Ah, the wonders of living in a city in the winter. :)

It's Cold

2011-01-24T11:34:00.000-05:00

Improvements: Part 1

2011-01-21T06:00:00.000-05:00

Who do I want to be? What do I want to do?

I don't know. Is there something wrong with me?

I know I want to be a good person-to be seen as kind, loving, generous and loyal.

I know I want to be trustworthy and dependable.

I know that I want to grow my relationships with family and friends and more specifically, grow closer with B1.

What do I want to learn? Where do I want to go? I feel like my answer is "everything and everywhere" but I don't know how or where to start.

Academic classes don't interest me. I could take them for free yet I find nothing that tugs my interests. I want to do something creative but don't want to feel frivolous.

I want to be more active and to do more adventurous things. I want to cook and plan and serve and laugh. I want to feel comfortable in my own skin.

I feel like I should be DOING something. Do any of you ever feel this way? Do you feel like you're just going through life without making a difference or making a splash? Do you feel lethargic and lazy when you are not actively improving yourself?

What's Cookin'? Garlic Spaghetti

2011-01-20T06:00:00.000-05:00

At the beginning of the year I bought a Cooking Light cookbook in an attempt to make healthier meals for B1 and I. We're both trying to watch what we eat and I am trying to lose a significant amount of weight. I've started making weekly menus which detail what I'm going to eat in addition to how many calories I'll be eating each day. It's tiring, but my hope is that we'll find a few favorites that I can rotate in and out each month and that soon they will become part of my recipe collection.

So far, we've liked a few of the recipes, but mostly I find that I have to add things to make them more flavorful. I'll keep plugging along in the hopes that I'll find more shining stars like this one, Garlic Spaghetti with Beans and Greens. It's very simple to make and is quite tasty. I'm not making a habit of eating pasta (carbs do me in!) but every now and then you just need a big bowl of comfort and this certainly fits the bill. (3 tablespoons of garlic with cheese and lemon? Sign me up!)

The original recipe actually calls for only 2 tablespoons of garlic and arugula instead of spinach. I don't care for arugula much so I substituted, but I'm sure that if you like it, the arugula would be quite nice in here. Serve it up with a glass of white wine, and enjoy!

Ingredients:
8 oz Spaghetti
3/4 t. Salt
3 T. Olive Oil
3 T. Garlic, minced
1 t. Crushed Red Pepper Flakes
2 C. Grape Tomatoes, halved
16 oz Can Cannellini Beans, Rinsed & Drained
5 oz Spinach Leaves
2 T. Lemon Juice
1/2 C. Grated Parmesan Cheese

Method:
1. Cook pasta according to directions. Reserve 1/2 C. Pasta water when draining pasta.
2. Return pan to medium heat. Add oil, garlic and red pepper. Cook 2 minutes, stirring occasionally. Add beans, tomatoes and salt. Cook 2 minutes.
3. Stir in pasta. Add pasta water and spinach. Mix to wilt.
4. Add cheese and lemon juice. Stir to combine. Season to taste.

Calories: 290
Fat: 10.5 g
Carbs: 38.3

Out of the Closet

2011-01-19T06:00:00.000-05:00

When my B1 comes up to me with his hands behind his back and a certain smile on his face, I worry. It's not so much that his hands are behind his back-it's more about the sly smile that's plastered on his cute face that does it. He's had ice in his hands before and it's ended up down my shirt during what seemed like a loving hug-until the shards of ice rained down on me.

So naturally, I am suspicious when he approaches in such a manner that could mean more ice. The other day while doing dishes, B1 approached me and yes, his hand was behind his back and he was wearing his mischievous smile. Quickly, I jumped back and asked him what he was doing and what he had behind his back.

He pretended to wonder why I would react in such a way but then gave in when I reminded him of the ice incident. "Fair point", he said. And then he showed me this:

He's kind of a dork.

One of the first times I visited B1 at his apartment before we were living together he'd go into his closet and come out with a crazy sweater, or a hat or...a different hat. When Rye Bread was visiting us, a pair of cat-eye glasses (with rhinestones!) materialized. One just never knows what B1 will come up with from his closet so this weird googly eyed hand puppet thing didn't surprise me. But it did delight me.

He kinda makes life more fun.

Ghetto

2011-01-18T17:32:00.003-05:00

I forgot to sew my coat after my fall but needed to wear it today because it was snowing. I don't advise walking through Whole Foods with a coat mended (kind of) with duct tape.

Back 2 Life

2011-01-18T10:47:00.003-05:00

I am back to work! I worried that we'd have a snow day today because even though they said we are only supposed to get "little to no accumulation" (How does that help me?) we seem to be getting much more. When I left we had at least an inch, and it's been snowing ever since...If we get sent home early I am working from home. I have too much to do!

My back is...better but still sore. This is probably due to the fact that last night B1 and I put together my new dresser and we also did laundry. I know I have to take it easy, but that is hard for me to do...I can't sit around for much longer. In fact, I have to start moving-I do NOT want to end up gaining weight back after I lost so much. And I will gain it back if I continue sitting around doing nothing. I won't go to the gym this week, but I WILL go next week no matter what. If I'm not feeling much better by then, I'll just go to walk on the treadmill for a bit to at least get moving. I have to continue on my weight loss journey. I can't go back up. I just can't...

I'm sort of antsy today-I have so much to do and this one person keeps asking me for things. What they are asking for is last minute stuff that should have been taken care of last week so it's kind of making me a little angry. Oh well...at least I'm not at home. :)

Randomivity

2011-01-17T10:17:00.004-05:00

I'm feeling really cooped up. With the exception of 1/2 day on Friday, I've been out of work and because I can't really DO anything without hurting my back again, I'm stuck just sitting around waiting. I've been reading a lot, but when it's the only thing you can do, it becomes less fun. There's nothing on TV. B1 has been kind of cooped up too, so when he is home, we kind of do our own thing. I guess I feel kind of lonely.

I've been searching for a new dresser for months. There was one that I wanted from IKEA but it's kind of expensive and I never seem to have the money for it. My current dresser is also from IKEA and it's falling apart. I hate it. So the other day I went to IKEA and bought a mid-level dresser. It's not the one I wanted, but I'll add some drawer pulls it will make it look nicer until I can get a big girl dresser. I had 2 nice IKEA workers help me in the store to get it into my car.

I got a new camera for Christmas and I love it. But it's big. And I find that it's hard to carry with me. I'm worried it will get damaged without its case so I want to find a "skin" of some sort to put over it so that I can carry it with me more often.

We went out on Saturday night to a local pub to listen to some music. It was fun, but by the end of the night, I was in pain from standing for too long. Still, it was good to get out of the house to do something fun, if only for a few hours.

I sometimes feel like I'm living in someone else's shadow. And it's not a good feeling. In fact, it kind of breaks my heart.

My friends Robin and Adam are coming to visit on Saturday. I'm pretty excited about that!

HoHum

2011-01-13T13:16:00.002-05:00

I'm still home due to my careless fall down the stairs on Monday. And let me tell you-I. AM. BORED. I planned on going to work this morning however when I woke up, I was SUPER drugged. Before bed I take 1 pain pill and 1 muscle relaxer and I guess because I haven't had to get up early for work (and therefore been able to sleep it off) I didn't realize how zonked it makes me. Tonight I won't take the pain pill. In fact, I think I'm done with them all together now.

I'm not in nearly as much pain as I was the last couple of days. I am still bruised and sitting up strait does put a strain on things, but I feel better. My shoulders still hurt a lot, but no more than they usually do when my back gets out of whack. I'm going to the chiropractor yet again today, so hopefully this crack will get it back in shape and I'll be on my way to really healing.

I feel so lazy and gross. I've been just sitting around for days. It's horrible. I was really looking forward to going back to the gym on Monday too. Maybe by this coming Monday I'll be able to go. I'm going to try it anyway. I've got to get back into my routine and back into losing weight. I'm not done and I lost momentum after I moved in here. Gotta get moving.

I applied for a refinance on my car loan and was approved. I drive a Saturn and the bank asked me this information on the application. They approved me for the full amount at a certain (good) rate and I was psyched. Then I talked to them and they said that b/c it's a Saturn they'll only give me $9K. Um....why? It's not like I told you I drove something else on the application. I'm so bummed. I was really excited about having an extra $25-$75 a month to pay off my other bills. I'm so confused about it too-oh well...I guess I'll just keep plugging along with what I have.

Most of my debt will be paid off by May. I don't have much debt, but I do have a few medical bills I'm paying and a Target credit card. I paid off one credit card last week already and that feels pretty good. I've also opened up a higher interest savings account and though that won't give me a huge yield, it's better than having the money accrue nothing. After my bills are paid, I'll talk to a financial planner to see how and where I can invest my money. I don't want to live like this forever. I have plans-travel, family, house, cafe...I can't do those things with my current financial status and so I'm formulating a plan. Hopefully it'll work! :)

OK...off to do...nothing. Thank God I can go back to work tomorrow! (Just in time for the weekend!)

Stairs

2011-01-11T11:01:00.003-05:00

See these?

These are the 3 medications I have to take for the next week or so because yesterday I fell head first down the stairs leading to our apartment. Luckily, nothing is broken and I didn't hit my head but the bones in my back and neck have shifted and I've bruised the muscles in my back and butt. Needless to say, I'm very, very sore.

Lucky B1 was home and he immediately took good care of me, making sure I was OK, packing me with ice and calming me down. Later, he drove me to the doctor and then to the chiropractor. And of course, he showered me with lots of love and kisses. I'm reminded daily of how lucky I am, but when this happened, I was smacked in the face with how wonderful he really, really is. There was no question-he just came over and started taking care of me. The warmth I felt inside easily made the outside feel better.

That, and the pain meds and muscle relaxers....

I Survived!

2011-01-06T10:17:00.002-05:00

So...I made it. I didn't die because an intruder broke in during the night to kill me because he knew I was alone. Truth be told, I'm not really scared about that, it was just lonely going to bed last night-even though he left one of his t-shirts on my pillow so that I could smell him when I fell asleep. (Smell is huge for me!) I'm glad he's coming home tonight.

I didn't sleep really well. I remember waking up at 3:30, 4:30 and 6am. I could really use a long, long nap. I wish I didn't have to work today. I'd love to download a new book and curl up in warm blankets and just relax until B1 gets home. *sigh* Oh well...

Nothing really to report-perhaps it's because my brain is really foggy...

Randomivity

2011-01-05T10:33:00.004-05:00

Our cable is out. For no reason. And yet, the cable company thinks they can charge me to fix it. I told them that they could charge me, but they'll have to sue me for the money because I won't pay for them to fix something that I did not break.

I'm sick of cable companies bullying customers because they have little to no competition. I am looking into switching from Comcast because they stink like rotten eggs. And vomit.

B1 is going away today for the first time since we've lived together. This is the first time I'll be sleeping in the apartment alone. Now, I know that I spent years alone without anyone to sleep with and lived alone but...I'm used to him being there. I already miss his snuggles.

I hate that this translates into me being needy. I'm not really, I just love his snuggles and his warmth and his kisses.

I'm on day 3 of my dieting wagon. I have to admit, I've fallen off already! Not horribly, but while baking for my bake sale, I had to sample the brownies. I mean, who can resist gooey warm brownies? Not I, my friends, not I...

I raised $237 for my friend. She doesn't know yet. I don't think she expects it to be that much, and I'm really excited to give it to her. Except...she's going to cry and I don't know what to do when people cry!

We finally took our tree down last night. The living room looks HUGE now.

Joe, our downstairs neighbor, must think we're crazy. B1 brings things in through the windows (like the sofa!) and we throw things out of them too...like our big tree wrapped in a sheet. :)

Girls night on Friday! Hosting at our apartment...they all want B1 to be home, but he's opting to go out. I guess I don't blame him.

We're thinking of going on another small trip in March for our 1 year...any suggestions? It has to be relatively close to Boston OR really cheap to get to from here. (I wish Chicago was easier to get to!)

Over the River & Through the Woods

2011-01-04T12:44:00.017-05:00

We didn't go to our grandmother's house, but we did vacation in New Hampshire over the New Year's holiday. We drove up on Thursday morning. It was only about a 2 hour drive from our house, which was a pleasant surprise because we thought it would take us 3 hours. I have never been to New Hampshire to vacation but B1 has...so he took the opportunity to drive me around the mountains as a lovely introduction. As you can see, our first day was very sunny with crisp blue skies. The temperature was a little warmer than I would have liked-high 30's.

Franconia Notch

After oohing and ahhing over the beauty, we drove over to our cabin to check in. This was our home away from home for 4 days:

It's a small, one room cabin with a wood fireplace, love seat, bed and bathroom. It was tiny, but quite good enough for what we were looking for-time away with each other somewhere quiet with a fireplace...in the mountains.

This picture was actually taken when we were checking out-it's B1 waving (or about to wave) to me because I told him to. :) You can see the beautiful view we had from our front porch.

We were tempted to raid the water slide because it was so warm, but decided against it. The first night we planned on going snow tubing at Loon but when we arrived, we found that the remaining sessions were already sold out for the night. A little disappointed, we made a reservation for New Year's Day and made our way over to a local Tavern where we sat and enjoyed the locals. And also a few beers. The tavern was cute and homey and it was a nice way to start our vacation. The stools also twirled all the way around, which was a fun realization for me.

Once our beer craving was satiated, we made our way back home to make a fire. Here is my cute boy posing.

And here is the fire he built us.

It was super relaxing just laying there in each others arms watching the flames, relaxing without anywhere we needed to be. We've been going, going, going for a couple of months, and this break was just what we needed.

We did a lot of driving around the mountains and local towns just sightseeing. Here are a few pictures from our trip:

Wild Turkeys. There were at least 30 of them scattered in the woods but they all fled when we pulled up!

One of my favorite parts of the trip was on the second day-we went snowmobiling! I have to admit that when the guide was describing the terrain I got a little nervous-I didn't really think about the fact that we'd be riding down hills and around sharp corners...which we could fall off of into freezing water or jagged rocks. Luckily though I caught on quickly and found that it's really quite easy to ride a snowmobile. B1 was in the front of the pack in the beginning of our trip and my heart warmed as I saw him looking back every minute or so to make sure I was OK. How I found such a sweet man, I don't know...

Our guide has us run around a circle a few times to get used to turning. During this time, B1 ended up in the back and I was in the front. This was fun, but also worry some at first because I had to follow the guides hand signals, making sure we didn't crash into anything. Again, I caught on quickly and enjoyed zooming behind him. Later, B1 made his way back up and rode behind me. After our ride, he told me that it was quite a difference because the girl he was behind before rode slow-and I did not! I like being a little bad ass now and then. :) I will definitely do this again. It was great fun-I just wish it wasn't so expensive.

After our ride
On New Year's Eve we had reservations for dinner at a local inn. They had a special New Year's Eve menu to order from and we thought it'd be a nice treat. Unfortunately, my B1 was not feeling great that day and so we ate, and went home for a few hours to rest. I don't think he enjoyed dinner much, being that his belly wasn't up to par. Additionally, there was a really annoying, loud, drunk crowd that sat behind us and our waitress went missing for a while because she was dealing with them. I really liked my meal though-prime rib and stuffed shrimp. A splurge indeed, but it was yummy.

After dinner, as I mentioned earlier, we went back to the cabin and rested. We watched a little TV and relaxed before heading out to Loon where we had reservations to attend a fun party. There was to be a DJ, dancing, a buffet and a champagne toast at midnight. When we got there, I noticed almost immediately that we were loners-the crowd was mostly 20-somethings with a handful of old timers in the corner. The DJ was playing mostly hip hop, which is OK but not what I would consider dance music. I felt old and full and the beer wasn't making me feel like dancing. Since B1 wasn't feeling well either, he wasn't dancing. Neither of us wanted the food and we were both tired, so like the old fogies we are, we left at 11:30. We went home to the cabin and watched the ball drop and went to bed. But not before we kissed at midnight. :)

The night wasn't a total bust-we got to see this guy:

I don't know why he'd wear this many sequins, especially with a shiny head!

Party animals

Switching gears, let me share a few pictures of downtown Woodstock. It's a cute little sleepy town. While eating breakfast one morning I mentioned that it reminds me of the kind of town that would host a movie about a local yearning to get out.

B1 slamming the door in my face! (Not really)

This breakfast place was SO good. It was very local and very small...but I find that these are often the best places to eat. They have the best corn beef hash I've ever had in my life. True story. In fact, the next day when B1 was sick I went back for breakfast alone to get more!

I mentioned before that we went tubing on New Year's day. Here is a picture of Loon Mountain, where we tubed.

It was fun, though the track seemed a little short to me and didn't really have many curves. My favorite part, actually, was the chair lift! I've never been on one and it was great being high up, feeling the cold air on my face with B1's arm around me.

After changing my pants in the car (my pants got SOAKED) we jetted off to N. Conway where we shopped the outlet stores (both of us got new sweaters!) And then walked around the local shops and had dinner. It was a long, lovely day.

So, there you have it. The pictures are a little out of order, but they're all there. It was a wonderful vacation and yes, I'm sad it's over. I usually get a little sad at the beginning of the year because all of the events and holidays are over and I have nothing immediate to look forward to-event-wise. But after thinking about it, I realized that I don't have to have an event. My daily life is something to look forward to now. I get to share my life with B1. Everyday. Everyday I get to be hugged and kissed by him. Everyday he loves me, no matter what, for who I am.

That's pretty amazing and it's a wonderful thing to remember.

Brownies 4 a Cause

2010-12-29T11:03:00.003-05:00

Smokey

Hello my blogging friends...I have a favor to ask of you. One of my friends at work told me yesterday that her kitty, Smokey, is sick and needs a $500 test. Tina, my friend, is the sweetest, kindest, most genuine person I've ever met. Literally. And I hated hearing her talk about how she'll have to "figure it out somehow" because she can't NOT do the test. So, I'm having a bake sale to try to raise some money for her so that she doesn't have to eat the entire cost herself. If you'd like to donate, please email me and I will give you the paypal information.

Brownies are $10 and Chocolate Chip Cookies are $11...shipping will be $10.50.

Obviously there is no pressure and no hard feelings if you can't or don't want to donate. I know times are tough for everyone.

Christmas...In Pictures

2010-12-28T10:05:00.001-05:00

"Picnik Show"

Create a free slideshow with Picnik!

Bacon Cups

2010-12-27T20:35:00.001-05:00

Every year I think seriously about what I should bring to my Nana's house on Christmas Eve. I used to bake lots and lots of cookies but after the year the platter got left in the den without being opened, I said "No Way Jose". (One of my aunts bakes and Nana puts those out.) I used to bring a delicious hot crab dip but that was expensive and labor intensive. I could bring my famous artichoke dip but everyone there eats it when I bring it to other parties. One year I brought pumpkin creme brulee and made everyone swoon but that too was a lot of work and too hard to cope with during the craziness of Christmas Eve at Nana's.

This year I made bacon cups.

Yes, bacon cups. Little 2-bite bacon cups that I filled with a blue cheese dressing and topped with roasted buffalo shrimp. They were delicious. Unfortunately they are a lot of work and I ran out of time so I only had about 18 of them-and they went fast.

I started out with a mini-muffin pan and sprayed it with baking spray.

Then I cut one strip of bacon into 4 pieces and put that small strip on the top of a few cups. Next I wrapped a single piece of bacon around the cup and tucked the edges in so that they wouldn't curl while baking.

I tried several different ways of making these cups. I braided a piece of bacon and wrapped that around the cup and I also used two slices as is. The best result came from the single wrapped bacon slice baked at 4oo degrees for about 12 minutes.

The best part these little gems is the look on peoples faces when you say "bacon cup". It kind of made it worth it.

I'm not sure I'd make them again though...

Rainbow Cookies

2010-12-27T20:23:00.004-05:00

My very favorite cookies of the season (and any season, really) are rainbow cookies. I've grown up eating them and even made them once with my aunt when I was little. Until I moved to Boston, I usually only ate them once a year when I traveled to NY for Christmas Eve. Once I moved here though, I found a local bakery that sells the best cookie I have ever eaten.

This year I felt like I wanted to try to make them again. Sure, I could easily (well, not really easily-parking is a bitch in that neighborhood!) have gone to the bakery and bought a few pounds but I really wanted to see if I could make a cookie that rivals the ones I get from the bakery.

I mixed up the dough and folded in egg whites...

Divided it into thirds and colored one red and one green...

Put them into pans and let them bake...

Slathered them with raspberry jam and wedged them together...

Drenched them with melted chocolate and let it set...

Trimmed them...

And cut them into rectangles...

They were delicious. Originally I told you I was going to post the recipe, but this is the first cookie recipe that I actually developed and made my own and to be honest, they really DO rival the ones from the North End. And since I do want to someday open a cafe in this area, I feel like I need to protect it. It might be silly, but you never know...

While I enjoyed the process and loved the outcome, these cookies are very expensive to make. In fact, this batch cost about $20. Commercially I am certain I could make them cheaper, but for now, I think I'll circle the block a few times and pay half the price for someone else to make them. Plus, it's a good excuse to play in the North End!

1 More Day!

2010-12-23T09:58:00.001-05:00

Good morning!! I'm in such a good mood today-not only do I have the day off (and therefore got to sleep late) but it snowed last night and so it looks quite pretty outside.

Oh, and did I mention that it's CHRISTMAS EVE EVE?!?!?! Tomorrow's my favorite day of the year and this year will be extra special for me because it's the first time in 10 years that someone I love will be with me. I simply can't wait to have B1 get to know my family more. (He met them at the wedding but that was for a few minutes and done over music.)

All of my shopping is done and yet I really feel like I want to go out and be a part of the crazy. I fully realize that this makes me PART of the crazy but whatever. It's fun. Instead of actually shopping though I think I'm going to cook/bake and then get my nails done.

Stay tuned-I'm trying to make 2 things that I've talked about for a while but never made (well, the cookies I made when I was very little with my aunt). I'm going to take step-by-step pictures and if it works out, I'll post them with instructions.

Have a great day!

Randomivity

2010-12-22T09:19:00.004-05:00

I get to leave work today at 2pm...and then not come back until Monday!!

My favorite little cousin got accepted to 2 colleges that she wants to go to. I can't believe she's old enough to go to college!

Giving someone a gift should not mean you expect one back. But if you DO receive one back, you should at least pretend to be thankful.

Our Christmas Angel on our tree looks like she is trying to commit suicide. She's leaning precariously to the right and looks like she might jump.

I've always enjoyed making cookies but making cookies with B1 is the best.

You can read that any way you'd like. But we really did make cookies.

My boss gave us all books at our holiday lunch the other day-I'm already about 1/4 of the way through it and I started last night. It's the first book in a long time that I've sped through. It's "The Help" by Kathryn Stockett.

I can't wait for Christmas Eve. And then Christmas morning at home with my B1. And then Christmas dinner with B1's Dad and siblings. It's so fun to have another family to celebrate with!

Christmas means it's almost New Year's and that means it's almost time for our vacation!!!!

I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Merry Christmas!

Toosdae ?'s

2010-12-21T09:30:00.004-05:00

Good morning my lovelies! And how are we all doing today? My guess is you are sleepy. Am I right? I am W-O-N-D-E-R-F-U-L. Christmas is soooooo close and I'm all a buzz with excitement. Yesterday we got our first real snow and my world is finally cold and white. And last night B1 and I made Christmas cookies! Though it was tiring, we're done and have little boxes all set to be delivered to family and friends. *sigh* I love this time of year...

1. How are you spreading the holiday cheer?

2. What is your most favorite Christmas cookie of all time?

3. If you look out the closest window and look left, what do you see?

My answers:

1. Um...excuse me...didn't you read the commentary above? :)

2. This is a no-brainer, even though it's not really a Christmas cookie, the Rainbow Cookie is my favorite. Layers of almond flavored cake sandwiched together with jam then topped with chocolate. Delicious. In fact, I'm going to try to make them for the very first time since I was a little girl. Of course I'll share the results!!

3. I initially published this post without answering my own #3! When I look outside to the left I see mostly the university lawn but then I can also see the Boston skyline. I'm so in love with my city!

Thank God It's Monday

2010-12-20T09:11:00.007-05:00

**Updated 6:27pm-Scroll down for pictures!**

My sisters & I
I'm wearing my new red glasses today. I've been here for 7 minutes and have gotten 4 compliments already. Sometimes being the weird one is funner than normal. :)

There are pictures to share from the weekend-but they're at home. I'll add them into the post later tonight...

Saturday afternoon B1 and I met my sister and her boyfriend at the hotel and chilled in the hot tub for a bit before getting ready for my father's fancy pants dinner. I love to swim so I jumped in the pool a couple of times, but for the most part, we stayed in the hot tub. So relaxing.

The hotel itself was really nice. It was new, so everything was clean and fresh. B1 and I got upgraded to a suite-which was nice but not really a suite. We loved the decor and the bed. The lamps on the side table were funky and cool and I wanted to steal them. But I didn't. Mainly because of the whole moral thing but also because they were too big to fit in my bag. :)

The party itself was fun. They always have an open bar so right there you know that even if it blows, it'll be a good time. And this is the first year I've ever had a date for this party, so it was extra fun for me. We had JUMBO shrimp-like really, really big. There were beef appetizers and fried ravioli and then my favorite-tuna tartar on a potato crisp with avocado cream. I'm totally making these. So. Good. I think I had like 7 of them. Which was good because our food came about 2 hours late.

That's not an exaggeration. They took our orders and then never gave us food. I learned the following day it was because no one was at their tables, but the staff should have asked someone to make an announcement to have them sit down. And, um...there was a DJ, so we had a microphone! In any case, the food came out and it was pretty good. I had a filet with mashed potatoes and spinach. Delicious. The only bad thing is that I was served my sisters boyfriends meat at first and he orders his more cooked than I do. I finally convinced him to switch with me about 1/2 way through the meal. So I got to taste how it should REALLY be.

Unfortunately both B1 and I were very sick all night on Saturday. We ended up waking up to alternate in the bathroom and then at 3am we were just awake. We stayed up until about 5am and then both drifted off until we had to get up for breakfast.

I didn't feel well for the rest of Sunday, really. I was tired and still had some stomach issues so thankfully my boyfriend is super sweet and he drove back to MA for us. I wanted to rest a bit because yesterday was "Christmas" with one side of his family.

Which, for me, was awesome because B1's grandfather sort of caught me alone and asked how B1 and I were doing. After I gushed about how wonderful he is and how much I love him he said, "Good. Because you fit in here pretty good." He then went on to say that he already considers me to be part of the family and that his wife does too....and then said, "Everyone does!". So that was nice.

We both did pretty well yesterday-we stayed alert and interacted with everyone and ate the good food. Toward the end of the day though, I was fading fast and I worried that I'd fall asleep! Again, B1 rocks and he drove us home. (Well, not quite-we had to pick up some tins for the cookies we're making tonight, but THEN he drove us home.)

And the weirdest thing was that when we finally did get home, I was hungry. And all I wanted was Chinese food. This is funny because B1 wants Chinese food all of the time. (Not really, just any time we get take out, that's what he wants!) And also because I was sick all day and kind of hung over. But that's how it goes with me-if I get a hangover, I usually need food. And that did seem to help because once I got that greasy yumminess called boneless sparerib I was good.

Today is our holiday luncheon with my boss. 2 hours away from our desks eating yummy food. Should be fun!

B1 and his boyfriend (my sisters boyfriend)

Us-Not quite drunk yet, I think

My B1 has drunk cheeks!! :)

We are definitely drunk in this picture. And also, I'm straptastic

The LOST Girls

2010-12-17T16:35:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I'm crazy and sometimes my imagination runs wild and then all of a sudden my life is over. In my head, at least.

My girl friends are wonderful. I'm lucky to have them in my life. Even if we aren't BFF's and we don't hang out all of the time, it's good to know I have them as sounding boards and that I have their support.

I'm going shopping.

House Full of Friends

2010-12-15T20:24:00.003-05:00

I have been MIA lately. Sorry. I've been pretty busy.

Friday B1 and I hosted our first dinner party. It was, if I do say so myself, a great success. Our friends enjoyed our food and drinks and had fun laughing and talking the night away. B1 and I had so much fun too...it's so nice when both of us can relax and enjoy the drinks because we don't have to drive. :) We had beer, wine and my now famous ginger martinis. Yes, I self proclaimed them to be famous, but everyone who has them loves them and people talk about them from year to year. They're deadly. In a good way.

We had a cocktail hour and served bacon wrapped scallops, a cheese platter (with home made blue cheese crackers) and these:

They are little puff pastry cups (that I made) filled with mushrooms, garlic, wine, thyme and cream. Delicious! I've made them before and always get the same reaction-an empty platter. They're really easy to make too, which makes them a obvious winner.

We headed to the dining room and started dinner. The first course was shrimp bisque.

We served the soup and sat down and I heard my favorite sound ever. "Hmmmmm" and then silence. It was fantastic.

This, my friends, was the last picture of our dinner party. Why? Because I had a lot of ginger martinis. And wine. And I wasn't up to taking pictures. In fact, the whipped cream on the dessert was a little lopsided...but no one noticed because it was so delicious. :)

I love entertaining-but even more, I love entertaining with my B1 in our home. It's an amazing feeling to look across the room at the man you love knowing that he loves you just the same. And that the people visiting are visiting because of the two of us...together.

I've been having a really hard time lately and I can't really explain it. I've burst into tears for no reason, gotten upset over things that normally would not bother me and have felt like I'm not worthy of B1's love. I think it's partially hormonal, partially a wiring issue and partially stress. But Friday sort of kicked off a really warm, happy feeling again. I feel great and am so happy and excited for the rest of this Christmas season.

I've been busy shopping and wrapping...and driving B1 crazy because the big silver one is for him.

Extravaganza!

2010-12-15T13:57:00.004-05:00

It's December 16th for crying out loud-and I haven't seen any major snow yet! Grrr...

However, we ARE supposed to be getting some snow this weekend. Hopefully in the late afternoon/evening so that all of our travel will be uninterrupted.

This weekend is another busy one for us. Saturday we're heading down to CT for my Father's annual holiday party. It's a work function-he's one of the partners and he likes it when we can all make it. I like it too, it's mostly fun. There's an open bar, lots of good food and usually good music. This year he isn't going to play his guitar though, so I'm a little sad about that. But this year I have a date! :) It's going to be fun. There's a shuttle to and from the hotel we're staying in too, so we don't have to worry about driving. And there is also a pool and a hot tub, which we'll use before the party. Good times.

Sunday we have a holiday celebration with B1's Mom's side of the family. They're such fun, nice people and I'm looking forward to sharing this time with them. It's so lovely to have extended family and friends-holidays were always wonderful, but now they're even better.

It's no secret that I love the winter season and specifically Christmas. And I'm so excited to have someone to share it with.

Monday B1 took me on a date. We went to see a Christmas display at a local furniture store. It sounds weird, but this store has rides and attractions and movie theaters. It was so pretty and cute.

Afterward, we went and had dinner at one of our favorite restaurants; IKEA. :) I'm only sort of kidding-it's not our favorite restaurant, but we have been known to have date nights at IKEA. It's a cheap date and fun, too! And c'mon-$0.50 hot dogs? You can't beat that!

Dinner was over and we headed to yet another holiday display. This one was at a shrine and had lights splayed out all over the grounds. It was so pretty. The pictures don't do it justice. I didn't take the time to change the settings on my camera because I was enjoying walking around in the cold air with my B1...but you'll get the idea:

So pretty! After we walked around a bit, B1 bought us hot cocoa and we made our way home.

*sigh*

I love him.

Randomivity

2010-12-08T09:18:00.002-05:00

Today my horoscope says:

Try not to get weighed down by your own emotions today, Mags, but make sure you give them the opportunity to have their time in the spotlight. You may find that there is a strong force working to cover up the truth of what you really feel. Make sure you express yourself openly and honestly.

Um...yes. This is pretty much 100% on point...today I will not be weighed down. I will let my negative thoughts be fluid and to drip right away.

Sometimes I wish I could be a stand up comic for just an hour-so that I could tell you about all of the un-ladylike things that happen without you really judging me. Like when certain parts of your body twitch when you are in public and you have to touch them.

Being told that you are the prettiest girlfriend someone's had (by someone other than your boyfriend) is a pretty great feeling. Even if it is indirectly.

Cheap glasses make my day. (I'll blog about this soon!)

Sometimes Tupperware does work as a mousetrap.

When you find a mouse that is not yet dead, by all means, let it go. But please, let it go OUTSIDE! ;)

Kissing in front of your very first Christmas tree is amazing.

I don't like being bought. Even though I love presents, I don't love it when people use them to buy my affection. It's troublesome. And now I feel obligated to reciprocate.

Is it weird that a guest of ours is finding an alternate "date" for our dinner party on Friday? His partner (who we are friends with) can't make it, so he's looking for someone else to bring. I don't actually really mind, but I would never think to do that. Am I weird?

Don't answer that. I already know the answer. :)

I have the bestest boyfriend in the whole entire world.

Fluid...I Like That

2010-12-07T22:21:00.003-05:00

Toosdae ?'s

2010-12-07T09:33:00.003-05:00

Good morning! Actually, as of right now, it's not been a good morning. My hair dryer is on the fritz and that threw my morning off (for the 2nd day in a row!). When I got to work, the coffee machine was broken. :( Luckily though, the morning is turning around because I didn't get into an accident on the way to work (I worry about that when I have mornings like this!) and the coffee is now brewing somehow. *sigh* Moving on to sunshine and happiness...

1. What is your least favorite holiday song? (I thought of this question last night while listening to Christmas music and ironing our drapes-it has NO reflection on my sour mood earlier! LOL!)

2. What is your favorite food to order from a street vendor?

1. To be honest, I'm not a fan of "Oh Christmas Tree". I wouldn't say I hate it, but it's not favorite.

2. Hot dogs! (Did you think it would be anything else?!)

There are only 2 questions...my brain is too foggy right now!

Up on the Rooftop

2010-12-06T09:36:00.005-05:00

This weekend B1 and I picked out and decorated our very first Christmas tree. We walked to the park a few blocks away and bought the tree then walked back and put it in the living room to settle overnight. Saturday we did errands and met back at the house to decorate and to watch Christmas movies.

It was, needless to say, awesome.

Here is our tree:

I think I mentioned to you all that I used to collect ornaments that had to do with the year that just passed. I threw most of them out (on purpose and by accident) so most of my ornaments are generic. This year I wanted to find a pool themed ornament for B1 and I since we met while playing pool. I found this:

I wrote the date on the back and had B1 write our names on the cues. *sigh* Even though it's a little hokey, I love it.

And here are our stockings, hung with care by B1. (I swear, I did stuff too!)

Of course, my little elf stocking holder from when I was little sits in our office. Maybe one day I'll have a mantle to put him on.

We also have garland on the railing leading upstairs and various other little decorations sprinkled throughout the apartment. It's very homey. :)

ACoA Strikes Again

2010-12-02T21:53:00.005-05:00

Tonight I almost went to an ACOA meeting but I got lost and then I got sidetracked. But I think it might be a good idea for me to go to at least one to see how it is.

No doubt, the reason I think the way I do is because I am an ACOA. I've pretty much known this for quite some time, but have always felt that I could work through things and move on. I think I'm coming to the realization that this, in fact, isn't the case. I've read books, journaled, reflected...but I always end up having a round of this funk that seeps into my otherwise fantastic life. And it tries taking me down. It tells me I'm not good enough and that if people really get to know me, they'd hate me.

It tells me that I need to work harder at being better, even though I'm pretty damn good. It tells me that I'm going to live a long, lonely life, even though I am in a loving relationship. It tells me if someone around me is having a bad day, it must be because I did something wrong, even if I know that I have not.

It messes with my mind and makes me feel small and useless and less than. And that is not OK.

I suppose the reason I'm thinking more about this is because the guy I went to see over this last month really seemed to push the issue. He made me remember that I do, in fact, identify with most of the characteristics (if if I don't currently identify with them, I did at some point) and that it's part of who I am. Unless I finally truly accept this and face it head on, it's not going to get better.

Something struck me in our last session-my father, the one who made me this way (for lack of better wording) is also an ACoA. In fact, BOTH of his parents were alcoholics and his father, though I did love him, was kind of a jerk. I guess I am just luckier than he was because instead of drinking and partying to escape, I turned the other way and became introverted and guarded and wrote poetry and stuff.

But it really made me stop to think for a minute and I sort of wish that I had this epiphany when I was younger. I'm not sure I would have been able to understand what it all meant, but maybe I could have seen a little bit into his world and perhaps understand why he was the way he was.

One of my biggest ACoA characteristics is my fear of abandonment. Which is weird, I think, because though my father was not around for me when I was little, he always lived with us, always worked hard to keep food on the table, clothes on our backs and we always went on family vacations (though I know now that they used my "college" bonds to go!). I only remember one time in which my mother exclaimed she wanted him to leave. In fact, I'M the one who wanted him to go away...so it's strange to me that this is one of my biggest hangups...worrying that the people I love are going to stop loving me and that they will leave once they realize what kind of person I "really" am.

Stupid, right?

I know I'm kind and thoughtful. I know I'm funny and vivacious and smart. I know these things and yet, this disease sneaks in all of these years later and slowly chips those thoughts away until I'm in complete meltdown mode. It's been a rough month for me. I want get back to being myself again.

I feel better when I'm doing something about it. Which incidentally, I am told is another ACoC trait. But I do-I feel better when I am acknowledging it and actively working on trying to fix it. I've been going to see that therapist and am going to start seeing a different one soon (this guy was through my EAP and the time ran out). I'm going to see if I can find an ACoA group which makes me feel comfortable enough to join and I'm going to try to find a church where I feel welcome. I also bought a workbook tonight at the bookstore and am going to work on that as well as continue to exercise (hopefully more than I have these last couple of months!) and to get chiropractic adjustments.

I'm also trying to find a good guided meditation cd or a self hypnosis cd...does anyone have any suggestions? If so, please email me!

So there you have it. I'm having small breakdowns and am worried about losing everything because it's so good. BUT-I am working on it, telling myself to shut up a lot (not really in that mean way-just trying to remind myself that my lenses are a little blurry and that my life really isn't horrible or in jeopardy) and am going to bounce back, just like I always do.

And now I'm going to have a good. cleansing cry, a glass of wine and I'm going to bed to dream good thoughts.

3 Good things from today:

1. I woke up next to an amazing man who loves me.
2. My boss called me "sweet" and appreciated something I did
3. I took action and found a workbook.

Why stop at 3 when there were more??

Bonus: (4) I saw the "B1 Loves Mags" screen saver that B1 put on our computer the other day and it made me smile. Not just on my face, but in my heart.

Bonus: (5) I got a random "Thinking of you" card from my good (but long lost) friend Kurt.

2010-12-01T09:22:00.003-05:00

The councilor I am going to see gave me this exercise to do every time I'm feeling anxious or down about myself or a situation. It's a writing exercise which requires me to sit down and write things in specific categories. In theory, I liked the idea. But every time I was feeling this way I was in the middle of something. So I never did it. It was kind of impractical and not what I was looking for.

Yesterday I was feeling sad due to some dreams I've been having the last few days. Mix that with B1 having off days too and it made for a yucky feeling. When I got home I decided that I would look up a few meditation podcasts. One worked well and I'm pretty sure I was in that "floating" state. Until the ladies voice came on after about 5 minutes and I jumped a mile.

When using the office toaster oven you should be mindful of other people who are waiting for it. Don't toast your stuff and then leave it.

Top Chef All-Stars starts tonight. I'm pretty excited about it!

Do any of you watch Sons of Anarchy? What did you think of the season finale last night?!? And what do you think about the fact that Jimmy was played by the MIB?

If you don't know who the MIB is, then you don't need to know.

Finishing my sentences is only OK if you're a tall handsome boy named B1. If you work with me and butt in and do that, it's very likely that I'll stop liking you. Even outside of work.

I keep getting interrupted...stupid work.

Toosdae ?'s

2010-11-30T09:55:00.001-05:00

I've been plagued with bad dreams about B1 the last couple of days and it's really making me tired. I know they are not real. I know he loves me very much and that he's not going anywhere. But they shake me. I don't like feeling sad when I wake up. I don't like "seeing" him with another woman or hearing him say the words, "I don't love you.". It just makes me sad and I have to try to turn that off now.

It's harder than you'd think, for some reason...

That being said, we're picking up our first Christmas tree on Friday and we'll decorate it together on Saturday. I'm really looking forward to sharing this holiday with him and waking up on Christmas morning with my cute boy...OK...that helped a bit. (Also, someone across the building just told me that my laugh is contagious and that it brightens her day. Wow.) Now, here are a few questions for this week:

1. If you celebrate Christmas, do you already have your tree? If not, when do you think you'll get it? (If you don't celebrate Christmas-do you decorate at all for the winter season?)

2. When you find a lone sock in the laundry basket, what do you do with it? (I hope at least one of you will tell me you use it as a puppet! :)

3. Did you go shopping on "Black Friday"?

1. Well, I gave my answer away up there, didn't I? :) We are getting our tree (our very first one!!) on Friday after work.

2. I usually put it in my sock drawer in hopes of finding the other one someday. Most of the time they do get reunited, but other times they linger alone at the bottom for a while until I do a cleaning. Then they get thrown out.

3. I DID! AND...I got most of my shopping done too. Also all of the items I bought were half price-which means the people I bought for got more! :)

We're Almost Done! Dining Room "After"

2010-11-28T12:16:00.014-05:00

B1 and I have been working tirelessly (OK, forget that-we're tired!) trying to get our apartment all done. Practically every inch of this apartment has been touched by us. We decided when we moved in that we'd really make it our own and that we weren't afraid of a little elbow grease to get it to where we want it.

It's been a long road, but it's finally all coming together. Last week we started the process of painting our dining room and setting it up. Since we're having a dinner party in a couple of weeks, we really wanted to get everything in the "public" areas buttoned up. It came together really, really well and I have to say, the dining room is easily my favorite room in the house...Before I share the pictures, I wanted to share with you a restoration. Remember my Nana's fish lamps? They were in pretty bad shape. I didn't 1 leg from each was missing, one tail was broken and several of the crystals were gone. They were starting to rust, too.

Over the course of the last year, my Nana has managed to find the legs, more crystals and the medallion to the 2nd lamp. Yesterday I took them out and decided that one good fish lamp was better than 2 fish lamps sitting in a closet. So I took it apart, cleaned it, glued on the leg and spray painted it. Then I put it all back together:

I know they're ugly, but I love them. And I love that I have something of my Nana's on display in our home. B1 has a lot of old things from his grandmother and his mother but I have nothing. All of my stuff is new-things I bought myself. So I'm happy to have a family item-especially one that I really love, and remember from my childhood...and now, onto the pictures. This is a horrible picture, but it's the only one of the dining room "before" that I have:

First we painted the walls "Toasted Pecan" (which is a horrible name-the walls are yellow) and the trim white. (As always, this was MUCH needed-this room was one of the grimiest.) Then we bought a China cabinet.

Now *most* of our glassware is stored in here instead of in boxes...and we can use it all! (I'm seriously considering painting this black to update it and to have it match the chairs and eventually the table.)

Then I found this chandelier...for $30!!! B1 worked so hard on this yesterday. Thank you my cute boy!

(I still need to find shades for it, but it's so pretty!) I made curtains, pictures were hung and the table set...

Isn't it pretty!? It might not be your thing, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!!! We also have the old bar I made a couple of years ago in the corner.

Our first dinner in the new dining room. B1 set the table. :)

One of the last things we did yesterday was take the door off of the living room. There is really no reason to have it there and it was just making the space look smaller. I can tell you that the room (which is quite large, actually) looks HUGE now. AND we were able to hang up the last of my 3 set pictures...

And of course I needed one little lone bird somewhere, right? Here he is...

There might be more birds in the apartments future but for now, he's it...

What do you think?

Randomivity

2010-11-24T09:29:00.003-05:00

I didn't name it crack dip for nothing. Every time I make it for someone new, they ask for the recipe. And every time, I have to tell them no.

We get to leave work at 2pm today. I'm pretty excited about that, especially because I'm going to pick up on of B1's Christmas presents today. Today's the only day I could have gotten this deal and we leave for CT at 6pm.

Tonight is my 2nd appointment with the shrink. He's really not a shrink, he's a social worker but b/c B1 is a social worker I would rather classify this guy as a shrink.

Though B1 dresses like this guy already.

I've never been a fan of know it all's. But you work with one it's even harder. Yesterday I finally told her to butt out. We'll see if it works.

B1 plays the guitar. I heart it.

I love Sons of Anarchy but it infuriates me!

I also think it's hysterical that we, as the audience, grow to like characters who are actually really bad people. Well, not actually. They are actually fake people.

Tonight I am making: Pumpkin cheesecake, my gravy base, my stuffing base and anything else I can do before I fall into bed and crash.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

Toosdae ?'s

2010-11-23T09:41:00.002-05:00

OK-I know I've been a very bad bloggy friend not clicking over to comment (again). I am, as always, very sorry about that...hopefully I'll be able to sit still long enough to start reading and relaxing at night again and that will up my comments...in any case, why not up YOUR comments and answer this weeks questions. :)

1. If you had to throw a dinner party this weekend, what would you serve?

2. You arrive at a dinner party and there are place cards indicating where you should sit. Does this annoy you or make you feel relieved that the guess work is done?

3. What is your favorite holiday cocktail? (Or non-alcoholic drink if you don't drink.)

1. Well...B1 and I are having our very first dinner party together (squee!) in a couple of weeks and we are serving: Mushroom Bouchees, Bacon wrapped scallops (per B1's request) and a cheese platter (with marinated feta skewers too, I think). Then we're serving my delicious squash soup, ossobucco over roasted garlic mashed potatoes (instead of the traditional risotto) and perhaps a green veg of some sort-maybe asparagus. For dessert I'm making my flourless chocolate cake with raspberry coulis and ginger whipped cream.

2. I've never been to a dinner party (other than a wedding) that had place cards but I suppose if they were there, I'd be OK with it. I'm trying to figure out if we should make some. It might be a fun project.

3. My ginger martini! Did I mention that the ginger vodka is steeping now? Last year it was a huge hit so I'm making it again for our "cocktail hour" before dinner...but I need to think of one more drink to add in addition to wine. Hence, the question. :)

The 6th Anniversary of Me

2010-11-22T09:21:00.005-05:00

First, second, third, fourth, fifth and today...

It won't surprise you to hear me say that this year has been one of my favorite years ever. This year I met a man who defines what a man should be. He is kind, he is caring and compassionate and he is supportive. He loves me and all of my little quirks and often proclaims how much he loves my laugh. He doesn't call me names, even when we are frustrated with each other and he would never intentionally hurt me-in any way.

We live in a city I love and we actively go out an do things. We participate in life and embrace it. We have fun together. We share things. We are.

My family loves him and he loves them. From the very first time he met them, he fit in. He suggests spending time with them and doesn't bat one beautiful eyelash when I ask him if we can go visit. And when I suggest that he does not have to come with me, he almost laughs; of course he is going to come with me. We're an "us".

Though today is not about my relationship with B1 directly, it also kind of is. Six years ago I took my life back and said "fuck you" to the life I was forced to live. I believed in myself enough to walk away from everything I owned in order to save my own life. I didn't know how long I would be away or if it would even work-but I tried and I succeeded and because of that, I am here. And because I am here, I found the love I deserve and share it with a man who is so completely different from Jamie in every way it's breathtaking.

Tonight B1 is making me dinner. I won't have to worry about whether or not he poisoned it or worry about whether or not he'll pretend he poisoned it so that I worry while eating it. I don't have to worry about coming home to a mental breakdown, a messy house and an angry boyfriend who will take it out on me. I don't have to worry about anything, really, other than whether or not we'll be in each others way when he makes the sauce and I make the meatballs.

And really, if you're going to have a problem, bumping into a hot man in the kitchen is the kind of problem to have...

I am so grateful today. For everything.

Closer to Fine

2010-11-19T10:59:00.003-05:00

My brain is foggy today. I've been extra tired this week and am feeling tense. I got a massage on Monday in hopes of releasing some of that tension and while it did help, it was not enough. I've been very self-aware lately-aware of my insecurities, downfalls and faults. And, because of this self-awareness, I've been reminded of how hard I am on myself and how this affects the world around me.

I have a hard time feeling like I am good enough. I worry that if I make a mistake or if I do something stupid that the people who love me will end up loving me less. I explained it to B1 the other day using the "everyone starts with an A" theory...that with every mistake, points are taken away until you eventually have an F.

I know this isn't always true. I know that mistakes happen and that an argument or disagreement does not mean the end of the world. But somehow, the thought of "It's only a matter of time before they leave" always creeps back in.

I know this isn't healthy. I know why I feel this way and the people who helped weave these feelings into my soul. What I do not know is how I am going to banish these thoughts and rewire my soul to feel better.

I go through spurts. Most of the time, I feel very good and happy and content. But when things are going really, really well and I am feeling so happy and blessed I also start to feel uneasy. I must stop these feelings. I am loved by and in love with one of the most amazing people I've ever met. He's smart and funny and talented and sexy and he's all mine! And he loves me and is nice to me and he makes me feel special. There is NO reason I should have the thoughts I sometimes do. Other than I need to be rewired.

I went to see someone on Wednesday night. I told him that I wanted to stop feeling this way and that I needed a very specific step by step plan to help me when I am feeling not good enough. I want a specific way to affirm my worth when I am in a good mental place. I want to take action and take responsibility for my thoughts and I want to kick these insecurities in the ASS.

We talked a lot about my dad and Jamie because they are the most obvious reasons why I feel not good enough. He really focused in on the fact that I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I know this is a major reason for most of my feelings. I told him so, too. I then told him that all of the books I've ever read always tell me WHY I feel the way I do, but all of them fail to tell me HOW TO GET PAST IT. He chuckled and said he'd work on it.

After that meeting I felt lighter. It's always helpful to me to tell my story-my whole story-to a stranger. It somehow validates me and makes me realize that I am not just some whiny girl who wants to feel bad so I hold on to my past. It makes me realize that I am not alone and that I can move on. I just have to follow through and be patient with myself.

That's so much easier said than done!

In addition to going to talk to someone, I signed up to hear a lecture called "Creating more joy in your life". The lecture was last night. While it didn't blow my mind and he didn't say anything profound I feel like I did benefit from it a little bit. It was a reminder that I have to make the conscious choice to feel good. I have to make the choice to ALLOW myself to be happy. That's a hard one. Let myself be happy. Nothing bad will happen if I do that. I'm allowed. And I deserve it.

Last night B1 and I were talking before we fell asleep and I mentioned how difficult it is for me to relax. During guided meditations and even massages my mind wanders and goes off in its own direction. I tense my shoulders, stop breathing...it's strange. I'm going to work harder on getting to a place where I can let go of that tension too. I think I'm going to start with a couple of meditation and self-hypnosis tapes and go from there.

Life is hard work. But hopefully after these initial steps I'm taking I'll be able to go through them without thought and life will be a little easier.

Randomivity

2010-11-17T10:14:00.004-05:00

It's always fun meeting people who know your ex and thinks he is a jerk.

It is, indeed, a small world.

I love this picture:

Our place is coming along-we now own a china cabinet and it is filled with our china. The dining room is painted and the table is set up. All we have to do is hang pictures, get (or make) window treatments and get a light fixture.

If you have neck or back pain and want a massage, I highly recommend going for a therapeutic massage instead of a spa massage. It'll hurt a little bit, but it's worth it!

Tonight I am going to talk to the shrink. I hope he's not annoying.

Tomorrow I am going to hear a lecture about creating more joy in my life. It should be interesting. It's in my old neighborhood so I'm going to have dinner somewhere and then go. AND a friend of mine is coming with me, so that's a bonus.

Being called "Crazy eyes" is weird. Especially because I do not have crazy eyes and I hardly ever hang out with the friend who gave me that name!

Playing games with my littlest sister, her boyfriend and B1 is extremely fun and it gives me the giggles.

"Vaginaboob". 'Nuff said.

I started my Christmas list...we'll exchange them next week at Thanksgiving and then on Friday I'll hopefully get lots of them taken care of at insanely discounted prices.

We're having a dinner party. Our very first dinner party. *sigh*

Have you ever loved someone so much that you sometimes just want to scream it at the top of your lungs? Or you want to smoosh yourself right into them? Or kiss them 'til your lips fall off? If not, you're really missing out.

I am making the same sausage stuffing I did last year because my sister's boyfriend requested it. When I asked my Mom to add sausage to my shopping list, she asked why and if it was for the stuffing. She then proceeded to tell me that my littlest sister couldn't eat it if that was the case b/c she is a vegetarian. Seriously Mom? WTF-she's been a vegetarian since she was like, 10. She's 22 now. I kinda know that I have to make her extra without sausage.

Sometimes I really wonder what the hell goes through her mind.

Toosdae ?'s

2010-11-16T09:00:00.004-05:00

1. If you were ordering a cheese steak today, what would you have on it?

2. What is the farthest distance you have driven specifically to eat a certain food?

3. Do you have an "EZ Pass" or some sort of toll device that allows you to go through the fast lane?

1. Well, if I were to order a steak today I'd get onions, mushrooms and whiz. And I'd add ketchup when I got it. I didn't do that this weekend and I feel that I should have.

2. Because I live in Boston, I'd say this trip wins, however I once drove from LA to Vegas twice specifically for a Brazilian restaurant.

3. Yes, I do. It's fabulous and wouldn't want to go back to waiting in those long toll lines-especially as you enter Boston!

Philly Cheese Steak Taste Off

2010-11-14T22:13:00.011-05:00

This weekend B1, my littlest sister, her boyfriend and I went on a road trip to Philly for what I call "The Great Philly Cheese Steak Taste Off". We drove down to CT and spent the night over their house and then got up, had breakfast and drove 3 1/2 hours to Philly. To eat cheese steak. And that is all.

When I mentioned this to some people, they rolled their eyes and laughed at me. "You're driving all the way to Philly for a few hours just to eat cheese steak?!"

Yes.

Why not? It's not that far away and it's a fun and relatively inexpensive way to see a city we've never been to. And it was a beautiful day spent with wonderful people. What more could a girl ask for?

The group "before" in the elevator

The actual drive down wasn't so bad. The worst thing that happened was that we stopped at a rest area to use the bathroom and I got hungry because it was 1pm and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. And I couldn't eat because I knew I was about to eat 2 feet of Philly Cheese Steak.

We got to Philly around 2pm. It is such a pretty city! The neighborhood nearest Geno's and Pat's was more urban than the other areas we saw and not surprisingly, it was my favorite. We didn't get to walk around but B1 and I both agree that we have to go back for the weekend sometime next year. We parked and got ready to eat some serious cheese steak.

Fat zone, indeed.

Pat's King of Steaks

The air around Pat's and Geno's was full of steaky air goodness. This did not help our hunger at all. We hopped into line at Pat's and started to prepare ourselves for the ordering process. We did not want to get sent to the end of the line...especially because we first waited in the shorter, faster drink line. This was the actual line for cheese steaks. It wrapped around the building and spilled out into the road.

Surprisingly, we only waited for 15 minutes in Pat's line...

B1 & I showing off our Pat's soda. :)

When they say that Pat's and Geno's are right across the street from each other, they aren't kidding. This is the view of Geno's from the line at Pat's.

When we finally got to the counter, we were relieved to find directions on how to order:

How to order: "If you make a mistake, don't panic. Just go to the back of the line and start over."

And even more relieved that we did NOT make a mistake!

Our first bite of an authentic Philly Cheese Steak

Pat's steaks were good-I'll tell you about the actual food in a few minutes. But for now, this is what happens to boys when they eat cheese steaks on a wall on the side of the road:

Steaky goodness, on B1's clothes

The 3 of us (my sister is a vegetarian and just came with us for the fun of it!) pretty much inhaled our first sandwich. We've been talking about this trip for over 2 weeks and we hadn't eaten since early morning so we were starving. Looking back, this is probably a good thing because I know that I for one would not have been able to eat more if I hadn't been so hungry. And so we moved on to Geno's...

The line for Geno's was shorter, but we stood in line for more than double the time at Pat's. I took this to mean that more people liked Geno's cheese steaks. Or that they were just slower.

Pat's, as seen from the line at Geno's

By the time we go to the window, sat down and began to eat at Geno's, we weren't feeling the "Take a picture of me eating a cheese steak!" thing. So we have none of them. But we DO have a picture of the 4 of us after eating cheese steaks AND having a beer at the bar next door.

Now-are you curious about which steak I liked better or which steak we as a group liked the best? Even if you aren't, I'm gonna tell you. :) Because I'm such a geek, I made up score cards for us. It included a description of what the criteria should be (Bread, juicy meat, toppings, cheese, the way it looked and ambiance of the place) and then a numbering system for each category. I also included room for comments. At the end of the day, I would add up the totals and average them. Which ever had the highest average would "win".

Here are my cheese steaks side by side. I got whiz and onions on both, to be consistent.

Pat's meat is shaved and was very juicy. Remember the stains on B1's clothing? That was from Pat's. The onions were cooked well, were tender and flavorful but not overpowering. And the cheese-well, they put a lot on there. The bread was good but not fantastic-it could have been a tiny bit crustier in my opinion. We went through Pat's line quickly and though I got the feeling they might be jerkholes, the staff there was nice in a "hurry up and order" kind of way. They served our sandwiches quickly, sliding them over the counter toward us. They were not wrapped but sat on top of the paper.

Geno's meat is thinly sliced and wasn't juicy at all. The onions were hardly cooked and were cut into bigger chunks than Pat's. They overpowered the flavor of the sandwich. In fact, hours later, I could still taste them! If you look at the sandwich on the right, you'll see that there was very little cheese on my cheese steak. This was an overall theme on not just our sandwiches, but everyone else's that I glanced at. Instead of putting the whiz on top, they spread it on the bread with a knife, making it not very cheesy at all. The shining star of Geno's steak was the bread. It was fresh and crusty but not flaky. I really enjoyed this bread and wished that Pat's used the same. The ambiance of Geno's was less appealing to me. It was flashier, which is obvious, but it was also dirtier. The tables were smeared with grease and I'm not going to lie-it grossed me out a bit. I had to psych myself out a bit in order to sit at the table. The staff was friendly-though I did hear one lady yell at someone because she thought they were putting ketchup on their Pat's fries. I know this is probably part of their thing, but I thought it was a little ridiculous and she was kind of too rude for me.

I'm sure that from my descriptions above you can probably guess that I liked Pat's better. A lot better, in fact. It was just overall a better sandwich, had more flavor and was...well, tastier. Neither sandwich, however, was worth a drive to Philly. (This trip was totally worth it-just overall, I wouldn't drive to Philly for these 2 sandwiches again.) Neither of them blew me away-in fact, I've had better cheese steak sandwiches in CT and MA than I did here. BUT, it was fun to go see 2 places that are so well known and to spend time with some of my favorite people doing it.

New Stuff

2010-11-11T22:56:00.002-05:00

This is my new haircut. It's 6 inches shorter than it was before. The layers were really messed up and no one could fix them so I just chopped it off. I really like it, though it's weird to blow dry. I'm happy to have had enough hair to do this-if my hair was shorter I would still be stuck with crappy layers!

Also in this picture is my new coat. It's a bright blue pea coat with sort of a baby doll bottom. It's really cute and I'm psyched I found it. After my Old Navy debacle I worried I'd be stuck with my old, too big green coat. But this one popped up at Marshall's and I decided to get it. I feel cute and pretty in it, and so far, it's pretty warm. And, it fits!!

The last new thing in this picture is the wall color. This is our dining room which was a gross dingy cream color. It was so dirty and disgusting-much like the rest of the apartment when we moved in. But that room in particular was dirty, for some reason. In any case, it's a bright clean yellow now. It won't be long until B1 and I can have friends and family over for dinner. :) We bought a China cabinet and were gifted a dining room table-I think by Sunday evening the room will be mostly put together. I'm really excited about it!

This is the weekend we're going to Philly. Yes, we're going to Geno's and Pat's. It seems that many of you have been to both and it might seem silly to go but we watched Food Wars (or some show like that) and were inspired. Plus, it's a great excuse for us to hang out with my littlest sister and her boyfriend (or, should I say, B1's boyfriend!). I think we're going to have a blast.

Stay tuned for pictures and our verdict....

Randomivity

2010-11-10T10:02:00.001-05:00

Overheard at TJ Maxx the other day: "I don't like small balls. Big balls are the way to go. I hate small balls."

She was talking about earrings. I let out a guffaw and walked away.

There is always a name. With everyone of them, there is always a name.

I cut 6 inches off of my hair last weekend. If most people noticed, they haven't said anything-maybe they hate it! (B1 noticed right away!)

I really, really hate when someone who thinks they know it all tells me to do something so obvious like, "Check in her desk." Really?! Thank you oh all knowing buttinski! (I really have no idea how the world revolved before you were born!)

I am sorry if you like them, but brown diamonds are disgusting. Doesn't it seem like the jewelry industry somehow pulled a fast one on us by trying to sell them? They're just really, really dirty diamonds.

I might have to write a song called "Dirty Diamonds".

We have tomorrow off for Veteran's Day. I'm very happy about this but it's weird to have a Thursday off.

This weekend is the great Philly cheese steak taste off trip with my B1, my littlest sister and her boyfriend. We're driving to Philly on Saturday morning, comparing 2 cheese steak locations and driving home. (Oh-and running up the Rocky steps, apparently!) I can't wait. :)

Hard habits are hard to break. I apparently still don't believe I'm worth loving. Even though when I'm in a normal state of mind, I know this is untrue, when I'm having a rough day it sneaks back in. I need to find a way to squash those thoughts. Because I'm good enough, smart enough and doggone it-people like me!

I forget that people don't always know who "B1" is. All of the important people do though...it's still fun to re-tell the story. :)

Yellow is a wonderful color for a dining room. And I can't wait for ours to be all put together..it'll be done by Monday WITH a new-to-us China cabinet!!!!

Toosdae ?'s

2010-11-09T09:36:00.003-05:00

I don't have my Toosdae badge here so I thought I'd use a picture of me doing my Rye Bread's makeup the day of the wedding. I had just put some lipstick on her and told her that she had to blot it...so we kissed. :) Such a sweet girl...

1. What is the best movie you have seen in the last year. Did you see it in the theater or at home?

2. What is your favorite "movie snack"? How often to you indulge in said snack?

3. Do you typically cry at movies? If so, what movie makes you cry the most?

My answers:
1. I think the best movie I've seen this year so far is Inception. It was just very different and it challenged my brain a little bit. I liked that. Plus, I was on a date with a very cute boy. :) (At a theater.)

2. Popcorn is my favorite movie snack...I really love it but don't often buy it. Nothing beats eating movie theater popcorn with a cold drink (Code Red is my favorite) while watching a good film.

3. I never used to cry at movies-especially sad ones. I did cry when someone had an extremely happy moment of overcame a personal battle...now though, I do tend to tear up. The last movie that made me sob was "My Sisters Keeper". Man, that was rough. Another movie that always makes me cry is "The Notebook".