Friday, February 18, 2011

How?

How do you get past your past? How do you suppress feelings of insecurity and memories of being betrayed? How do you NOT make the person you love feel horrible when it looks like you don't trust them...when in fact you do?

I'm struggling with this. I need help figuring out how I can let go of past relationships; the ones that hurt the most. Those relationships that ended because he went away and came back with someone else. The one where he tried to mold me into someone else...his ex-girlfriend. Or the one that ended because I wasn't worthy enough of his love. These relationships are so ingrained in me that I don't even actively think about them-I act.

I react. I don't rationalize the fact that B1 is not them. Though I know this. I know in my heart that he is trustworthy, that he loves me very much and that he will come home-to me. And not have someone else on the side. I know these things and yet doubt creeps in when he tells me he's going away or doing something out of the ordinary.

I have to do better. He deserves better-he deserves to feel the trust I have for him, not just to hear the words I say. The question is-how do I do this in the heat of the moment? How do I suppress what naturally bubbles up first?

Thursday, February 17, 2011

Loosen Up My Buttons

I've been gone. It's not that I've been super busy or depressed. I've just been...here. We've gone out with friends, B1 built a wall and we painted it, went to dinner and played pool at the place we met, bought new bedding and planned a mini-vacation for our anniversary in March. Work has been OK. I'm on a diet and started going back to the gym. I almost joined a community choir. I'm going to start playing the flute again instead and will start lessons up in March. I'm going downhill skiing for the first time on Monday.

But there's nothing to really report and I don't really feel inspired to make up stories or write poetry. I'm not sure if this means I'm outgrowing blogging or if I just need a jump start but I hope to figure it out soon; I don't like leaving things in an open ended way. I like to have things buttoned up, complete. Figured out.

Today feels springlike. It'll be about 50 degrees. Already there's a charge of energy, of hope, in the air. I think spring has now become my 2nd favorite season (instead of my 3rd). Perhaps it's my love of new beginnings that makes this so.

I'm wearing a sweater with flowers on it today.