Friday, June 24, 2011

Friday

Hi there! It's been a while...

I have no desire to write. This is a problem because I am good at it. I used to write wonderful stories and when I was done, I'd sit back with satisfaction. I would feel creative and accomplished. But now, nothing...

I know we've talked about this before. This blog used to be such a big part of my everyday. I was a stat-whore and I loved writing things I knew would bring comments. I do still think about the blog, and I do check my stats and and then and sometimes I even open Blogger to start a post and then think better of it and walk away. I wish I was inspired. I wish I had interesting things to tell you, to share with you. But I don't...

Instead this has become a daily (snort) diary of sorts. Which is fine. But it used to be so much more. Maybe one day I'll bring it back. Maybe.

So what has been going on? Well...

My favorite little cousin graduated from high school last week and B1 and I drove 3 hours to NY to attend a family party. We had fun. It was nice to see everyone and I smile on the inside every time we hang out with them because Kimmie still usually opts to sit anywhere I am. Just like when she was little...only now she's not crawling all over me. Which is probably for the best. Her cheeks aren't chubby enough to bite anymore anyway...

My Nana left the party in a rush because she wasn't feeling well. Everyone was concerned. She turns 80 in a few weeks and we're having a surprise party for her. I worried she would die before that could happen and watched my phone for days waiting. But apparently nothing did happen, because no one has called me.

I don't want her to die, but I know it's going to happen and it's probably going to happen sooner than later. It makes me sad to think about that but it's the only way I can prepare myself. I suppose that's not normal and that it's just another way I protect myself-prepare for the worst. I don't dwell on it, but when I think of it, I tell myself these things.

The boat is in the water. This year B1 is storing it in a marina that is only 10 minutes from our apartment, so we've been going there after work for dinner every now and then. It's lovely and peaceful and I feel very lucky to be able to share it. We tried to stay over a couple of weeks ago, but we made friends with another boat and watched a Bruins game with them and I drank way too much. The rocking of the boat was too much for me to handle and I got sick. :( Apparently rum plus rocking does not equal a happy belly. We drove home at 2;30am. I had Chinese food the next day. Chinese food is my hangover food. I felt better after that.

B1 got a promotion and is now the director of his program. It's well deserved and a long time coming but it's wearing him out already. I fear he'll get burnt out or that he'll be married to his work life and I won't see him much except for on the weekends. I hope that once things settle down, he'll be able to let it run smoothly without him there all of the time.

My favorite fishy died. A black and white guppy who looked like he was wearing an evening gown-so I named him Lady. His fins were nipped and he died. Now, another of my favorite fish is dying-a blue gourami. We have another one, but I'll miss him when he's gone. It was pretty when they both swam around, flashing their pretty colors by us while we watched TV.

We are going camping at the end of July for my birthday. This time we're going to NH and are camping at a site with a lake. We're hoping to swim and maybe go boating and fishing. I'm asking my parents for my own sleeping bag for my birthday. I used to have one, but Jamie stole that too.

I've been going to therapy twice a month. I think it's helping, but it's also bringing a lot of emotions to the surface. Mostly about Jamie. I don't feel them during the day most of the time. Instead, I wake up in the middle of the night because of horrible nightmares in which I am being beaten, chased, blackmailed...it's the worst when the dreams include people and things from my current life, like B1.

I worry. I'm trying to separate my past from my present. I think I do a good job most of the time, but when I don't, I worry that it will make the people around me hate me. It scares me.

We bought a road trip grill this week! It's a fold up Coleman grill on wheels and we can use it in our back courtyard or while camping. I really wanted to use it last night, but it's been raining here in Boston. Maybe this week...

Next weekend we are going to harbor fest. It's my first time being in Boston on the 4th of July and I am very excited to be sharing it with B1. He's super fun to be with and he's adventurous and open to trying new things and doing fun stuff. So we don't' just have to sit around waiting for life to happen-we can actually go live. I think we're going to stay on the boat too-this time, I'll drink tequila maybe...tequila doesn't make me sick like rum does.

Just ask my sister's boyfriend. :)

8 comments:

LceeL said...

I hope you find a way to let your past go. B1 sounds so nice - so good for you - I think, if I were you, I'd concentrate on HIM and just forget the other guy. Period.

Mags said...

It's not just about Jamie, Lou...but yes, I need to forget about all of men who've cheated, lied, betrayed...because B1 doesn't do those things to me.

And I do know this. And I don't think he's doing anything bad. It's just my instant reaction to think the worst and I have to reprogram that part of my brain.

"Lois Grebowski" said...

Glad you're working things out with therapy...

Sounds like you've got a good plan for celebrating independence day.

When the time is right you'll write... right now you have life to live... it's a happy thing...

Big Hugs!

flipper said...

couple things:
1) was very happy when i saw a new post : )
2) i said j rock the end of this and he said "that girl can down some tequila" and "nice i made the blog" LOL aw....
3) if you ever figure out how to strip the dreams ect please share.... same boat way to often over here :/
4) love you.

Travis Cody said...

Therapy is a good step. But I don't think you can forget the things that happened to you in the past. They are part of you and those memories will be with you.

What I think therapy does is teach us how to accept what happened, refuse the blame we heap on ourselves, and set those memories in a place where they don't hurt us anymore.

I wish that for you.

Mrs. OrioleGal9 said...

So happy to see a new blog post! I miss them.

You know I'm here for you if you ever need anything or someone to talk to you. You're strong and I know with time and B1 and your friends by your side, you'll overcome anything you set your mind to.

Love you!

Thomas said...

I'm with you that there are some times when they're just isn't anything to blog about. It's hard to believe that I used to post meaningful entries every couple of days. But such is the evolution of things.

To tell you the truth, I'm just glad I have things to write about from time to time and it's good to see that some who were with me from the start, way back in 2006,(you, Rocket, Silver) are still at it. :)

CrAzY Working Mom said...

I think that we've all gone through changes in our lives thus changing our blogging habits. We have so much going on in our home life makes it very difficult to find time to continue our "online persona". I am glad you're happy! You go girl!!! :)