Wednesday, February 23, 2011
I am certain that you don't know this about me already, but...I'm a worrier. I know, shocking, right? My brain doesn't often slow down; I worry about life passing me by, about whether or not I've said or done the wrong thing or that I am ruining something that started out good. I can't help it. I actively try not to over think things, but then I start to over think that.
This time last year I was feeling good about myself. I was living on my own in a new apartment, making it my own and loving it. I was setting and achieving weight loss goals and fitting into new clothes. I was working out and eating well...I was going out, doing things, meeting new people. I was accepting the fact that I might be alone for the rest of my life. And then I met my B1-and life seemed to all of a sudden be even better.
And don't you know it that almost immediately, I began to worry that I would lose him. Neither of us is perfect. We've done things that hurt each others feelings and gotten into arguments. But B1 has never done anything to truly make me question his love for me. He's never even yelled at me. Not once. So what the hell is my problem? Why do I worry about these things?
I know I sound like a broken record-but this is my blog and this is how I process things. This, I feel is one of the ways I get through my life and how I always manage to get better at whatever it is I have to improve upon. If these posts frustrate you, please feel free to move on...
The day we went skiing I looked at my B1 sitting on the sidelines watching me fall. I smiled because he came over to see how my lesson was going; I smiled because he is mine. I did not care that he was watching me fall. I did not care that I was the worst in my class...well, I didn't care that he SAW me being the worst in my class. I was happy. The sun was shining, I was doing something new and active, I had a friend with me and best of all, the love of my life was on the sidelines smiling and waving at me.
On the way home I was so content and happy. I wanted to keep those moments in my head for later, when I wasn't feeling so good about things. Sunday is tucked away for such a time. I hope that it works.
I have several of these snapshots but haven't really ever tapped into them. One of my favorites is actually from Christmas day in B1's father's house. I looked up and he was smiling at me with is lovey dovey eyes and he mouthed, "I love you". The whole world fell away, like it tends to do with him. It makes me smile to think about it, I have to remember to pull these moments out of my heart when my head is doing crazy things.
There are other things I need to do. For myself. Not for us. But actually, for us because it's for myself. If that makes sense. I have to feel good about my life-not just about our life. And to do that, I have to do some things...
I'm already actively back on a diet. I've had a few days/nights when I went off of it, but I did last year too, and it worked for me. Missing out on home made bacon, onion and cheddar burgers and tots with B1 or nachos and drinks with my friends is not worth it. Those things feed my soul; make life a little more better. Since starting a few weeks ago I've lost 5 pounds; and I am back to the weight I was last year when I stopped actively trying to lose. From now on, everything I lose is new and one step closer to my goal. Which I will reach by the end of the year.
Going along with the diet is being more active. We did pretty good this summer and fall by getting out and walking now and then, but I stopped going to the gym regularly. It sucks and I hate it when I'm there, but when I feel the salty sweat dripping down my skin and the miles racking up on the odometer I feel good. When I can keep up with the skinny girls next to me or the jacked guys in front of me, I feel good. When I visualize how I will look and feel when these pounds start melting away again, I feel good. And when I get home and sit down to dinner and am drinking more water and my muscles ache, I feel good. I'm getting back on this track and once the weather gets a little nicer (read: snow melts away from sidewalks and trails) I will get outside more. Because I love outside.
I used to read a lot. Lately books haven't captured my attention as much, but I'd like to get back into this. It centers me; relaxes me. Makes me feel like I'm traveling even though I can't afford to go anywhere.
I haven't been cooking much. Other than dinner for B1 and I, I don't cook for fun. I used to test recipes and bring them into work or bake things just because I wanted to decorate them. The key here is to balance this creativity with the diet portion of my plan. Savory, flaky goodies will not help my skinny clothes goal.
Long ago, I was obsessed with playing my flute. I was good. Real good. And there was a time when I HAD to play it at least once a day. It got me through a lot of hard stuff growing up and I'm not really sure why I stopped playing. I'm going to start again. A local adult education venue is offering a 7 class series and I'd like to sign up. The only trouble is, I seem to have lost my flute! I am in the process of securing a used one so that I can start getting creative again. I think my soul needs it.
Through the same adult ed place I am attending a lecture called "Changing Your Inner Talk". I'm hoping that this will help me push down those negative thoughts that surface when things are not 100% perfect.
And if that doesn't help, it's OK. I started the process of trying to find a therapist. With the help of someone I saw a couple of months ago, I hope to be able to talk about all of these things every other week until things are sorted out-until I can separate these doubts and thoughts from my real present life.
I'm not willing to let this ruin my life. I'm not willing to lose this good life that I've been blessed with. And I'm not willing to continue living in a world where everything has to be perfect or else it's falling apart.
It'll be hard. I'll continue to fall and am certain that I'll have days where I just can't push these things away. But I am determined to live my NOW life in a happier, healthier way.