It's no secret that I struggle with my weight. And while I have lost a lot in the last year, the truth is, I stopped losing weight sometime around June. This is mainly due to the fact that I stopped actively trying. My visits to the gym stopped (with the exception of a trip now and then) and I stopped counting every single calorie that went into my mouth. Luckily, I haven't gained a significant amount of it back (2-3 pounds up and down). But I haven't lost. And I'm really disappointed in myself.
I'm trying, once again, to get back into the actively losing weight stage. It was about this time last year when I bought a pair of jeans that were 2 size smaller than I wore with the intent of being able to wear them by the end of the spring. I succeeded and felt really great about myself. And then I met B1, which made me feel even better. So it's time to get back into that mindset-the one that says I'm going to be 2 sizes smaller by the end of the spring.
Realistically, that's not going to happen this time. For one, I am not joining Jenny Craig again. I would really love to, but I can't afford it. The food is way too expensive for me to justify it, which makes me kind of sad because it worked really well for me. Instead, I are carefully planning meals and counting everything I eat. It's tiresome. But hopefully it'll work. This week-without exercising-I lost 1.6 pounds. That's encouraging but I have to get back to the gym in order for that to really work.
My back has been good and then bad and then good and then horrible. I had to come home from work on Friday because I was in so much pain I couldn't sit. I had to take a muscle relaxer during the day to stop the spasms. Then when B1 and I went to bed that night, I was in worse pain-pain like I've never experienced, actually. Thankfully B1 was there calming me down and holding me through the waves of pain that washed over me until the 2nd muscle relaxer and the Vicodin started to work. I'm worried that if I go back to the gym, I might end up hurting myself again. My doctor said I can be active and that I just can't shovel or lift really heavy things yet. So I could go and run on the elliptical like I used to. I think I'm going to try to do that tomorrow or Tuesday to see how it works. I just so scared of hurting again!
I remembered something today. I was thinking about how heavy I used to be when I was married. It was a lot and I was disgusted with myself and my ex-husband was very vocal about how disgusted he was with me too (even though he was fat when we met and I was skinny). One time, we were talking about something that had a weight limit and I said I couldn't participate b/c of it. He looked at me like I was the slimiest piece of shit he ever layed eyes on and shook his head in shame. Today, I have a man in my life who tells me I don't have to be skinny to be gorgeous because I already am. And he tells me how hot he thinks I am on a fairly regular basis. And I believe that he means it and I'm grateful for that. But I still want to change.
We're planning on getting married at some point and I already know what kind of dress I want. While I know that I could probably pull it off now, I also know that if I reach my goal weight I'd knock it out of the park. Additionally, I don't want to have to shop online or pay extra for bigger clothes. It's been so wonderful shopping in the "normal" stores since losing weight-but I still can't shop in them 100% of the time. It would be so awesome to be able to just walk into any store I wanted to buy a shirt. Or pants. Or...anything, really, without having to worry about looking foolish for even walking in.
Yes, I want to start this process again-the getting serious about bettering myself for me and feeling a sense of pride when people see me and tell me how great I look. And yes, to feel the triumph of fitting into something that I normally wouldn't be able to. Yes. It's time. My time.