Thursday, December 02, 2010

ACoA Strikes Again

Tonight I almost went to an ACOA meeting but I got lost and then I got sidetracked. But I think it might be a good idea for me to go to at least one to see how it is.

No doubt, the reason I think the way I do is because I am an ACOA. I've pretty much known this for quite some time, but have always felt that I could work through things and move on. I think I'm coming to the realization that this, in fact, isn't the case. I've read books, journaled, reflected...but I always end up having a round of this funk that seeps into my otherwise fantastic life. And it tries taking me down. It tells me I'm not good enough and that if people really get to know me, they'd hate me.

It tells me that I need to work harder at being better, even though I'm pretty damn good. It tells me that I'm going to live a long, lonely life, even though I am in a loving relationship. It tells me if someone around me is having a bad day, it must be because I did something wrong, even if I know that I have not.

It messes with my mind and makes me feel small and useless and less than. And that is not OK.

I suppose the reason I'm thinking more about this is because the guy I went to see over this last month really seemed to push the issue. He made me remember that I do, in fact, identify with most of the characteristics (if if I don't currently identify with them, I did at some point) and that it's part of who I am. Unless I finally truly accept this and face it head on, it's not going to get better.

Something struck me in our last session-my father, the one who made me this way (for lack of better wording) is also an ACoA. In fact, BOTH of his parents were alcoholics and his father, though I did love him, was kind of a jerk. I guess I am just luckier than he was because instead of drinking and partying to escape, I turned the other way and became introverted and guarded and wrote poetry and stuff.

But it really made me stop to think for a minute and I sort of wish that I had this epiphany when I was younger. I'm not sure I would have been able to understand what it all meant, but maybe I could have seen a little bit into his world and perhaps understand why he was the way he was.

One of my biggest ACoA characteristics is my fear of abandonment. Which is weird, I think, because though my father was not around for me when I was little, he always lived with us, always worked hard to keep food on the table, clothes on our backs and we always went on family vacations (though I know now that they used my "college" bonds to go!). I only remember one time in which my mother exclaimed she wanted him to leave. In fact, I'M the one who wanted him to go it's strange to me that this is one of my biggest hangups...worrying that the people I love are going to stop loving me and that they will leave once they realize what kind of person I "really" am.

Stupid, right?

I know I'm kind and thoughtful. I know I'm funny and vivacious and smart. I know these things and yet, this disease sneaks in all of these years later and slowly chips those thoughts away until I'm in complete meltdown mode. It's been a rough month for me. I want get back to being myself again.

I feel better when I'm doing something about it. Which incidentally, I am told is another ACoC trait. But I do-I feel better when I am acknowledging it and actively working on trying to fix it. I've been going to see that therapist and am going to start seeing a different one soon (this guy was through my EAP and the time ran out). I'm going to see if I can find an ACoA group which makes me feel comfortable enough to join and I'm going to try to find a church where I feel welcome. I also bought a workbook tonight at the bookstore and am going to work on that as well as continue to exercise (hopefully more than I have these last couple of months!) and to get chiropractic adjustments.

I'm also trying to find a good guided meditation cd or a self hypnosis cd...does anyone have any suggestions? If so, please email me!

So there you have it. I'm having small breakdowns and am worried about losing everything because it's so good. BUT-I am working on it, telling myself to shut up a lot (not really in that mean way-just trying to remind myself that my lenses are a little blurry and that my life really isn't horrible or in jeopardy) and am going to bounce back, just like I always do.

And now I'm going to have a good. cleansing cry, a glass of wine and I'm going to bed to dream good thoughts.

3 Good things from today:

1. I woke up next to an amazing man who loves me.
2. My boss called me "sweet" and appreciated something I did
3. I took action and found a workbook.

Why stop at 3 when there were more??

Bonus: (4) I saw the "B1 Loves Mags" screen saver that B1 put on our computer the other day and it made me smile. Not just on my face, but in my heart.

Bonus: (5) I got a random "Thinking of you" card from my good (but long lost) friend Kurt.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

The councilor I am going to see gave me this exercise to do every time I'm feeling anxious or down about myself or a situation. It's a writing exercise which requires me to sit down and write things in specific categories. In theory, I liked the idea. But every time I was feeling this way I was in the middle of something. So I never did it. It was kind of impractical and not what I was looking for.

Yesterday I was feeling sad due to some dreams I've been having the last few days. Mix that with B1 having off days too and it made for a yucky feeling. When I got home I decided that I would look up a few meditation podcasts. One worked well and I'm pretty sure I was in that "floating" state. Until the ladies voice came on after about 5 minutes and I jumped a mile.

When using the office toaster oven you should be mindful of other people who are waiting for it. Don't toast your stuff and then leave it.

Top Chef All-Stars starts tonight. I'm pretty excited about it!

Do any of you watch Sons of Anarchy? What did you think of the season finale last night?!? And what do you think about the fact that Jimmy was played by the MIB?

If you don't know who the MIB is, then you don't need to know.

Finishing my sentences is only OK if you're a tall handsome boy named B1. If you work with me and butt in and do that, it's very likely that I'll stop liking you. Even outside of work.

I keep getting interrupted...stupid work.

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Toosdae ?'s

I've been plagued with bad dreams about B1 the last couple of days and it's really making me tired.  I know they are not real.  I know he loves me very much and that he's not going anywhere.  But they shake me.  I don't like feeling sad when I wake up.  I don't like "seeing" him with another woman or hearing him say the words, "I don't love you.".  It just makes me sad and I have to try to turn that off now.

It's harder than you'd think, for some reason...

That being said, we're picking up our first Christmas tree on Friday and we'll decorate it together on Saturday.  I'm really looking forward to sharing this holiday with him and waking up on Christmas morning with my cute boy...OK...that helped a bit.  (Also, someone across the building just told me that my laugh is contagious and that it brightens her day.  Wow.)  Now, here are a few questions for this week:

1.  If you celebrate Christmas, do you already have your tree?  If not, when do you think you'll get it?  (If you don't celebrate Christmas-do you decorate at all for the winter season?)

2.  When you find a lone sock in the laundry basket, what do you do with it?  (I hope at least one of you will tell me you use it as a puppet! :)

3.  Did you go shopping on "Black Friday"?

1.  Well, I gave my answer away up there, didn't I?  :)  We are getting our tree (our very first one!!) on Friday after work. 

2.  I usually put it in my sock drawer in hopes of finding the other one someday.  Most of the time they do get reunited, but other times they linger alone at the bottom for a while until I do a cleaning.  Then they get thrown out.

3.  I DID!  AND...I got most of my shopping done too.  Also all of the items I bought were half price-which means the people I bought for got more! :)

Sunday, November 28, 2010

We're Almost Done! Dining Room "After"

B1 and I have been working tirelessly (OK, forget that-we're tired!) trying to get our apartment all done. Practically every inch of this apartment has been touched by us. We decided when we moved in that we'd really make it our own and that we weren't afraid of a little elbow grease to get it to where we want it.

It's been a long road, but it's finally all coming together. Last week we started the process of painting our dining room and setting it up. Since we're having a dinner party in a couple of weeks, we really wanted to get everything in the "public" areas buttoned up. It came together really, really well and I have to say, the dining room is easily my favorite room in the house...Before I share the pictures, I wanted to share with you a restoration. Remember my Nana's fish lamps? They were in pretty bad shape. I didn't 1 leg from each was missing, one tail was broken and several of the crystals were gone. They were starting to rust, too.

Over the course of the last year, my Nana has managed to find the legs, more crystals and the medallion to the 2nd lamp. Yesterday I took them out and decided that one good fish lamp was better than 2 fish lamps sitting in a closet. So I took it apart, cleaned it, glued on the leg and spray painted it. Then I put it all back together:

I know they're ugly, but I love them. And I love that I have something of my Nana's on display in our home. B1 has a lot of old things from his grandmother and his mother but I have nothing. All of my stuff is new-things I bought myself. So I'm happy to have a family item-especially one that I really love, and remember from my childhood...and now, onto the pictures. This is a horrible picture, but it's the only one of the dining room "before" that I have:

First we painted the walls "Toasted Pecan" (which is a horrible name-the walls are yellow) and the trim white. (As always, this was MUCH needed-this room was one of the grimiest.) Then we bought a China cabinet.

Now *most* of our glassware is stored in here instead of in boxes...and we can use it all! (I'm seriously considering painting this black to update it and to have it match the chairs and eventually the table.)

Then I found this chandelier...for $30!!! B1 worked so hard on this yesterday. Thank you my cute boy!

(I still need to find shades for it, but it's so pretty!) I made curtains, pictures were hung and the table set...

Isn't it pretty!? It might not be your thing, but I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE it!!! We also have the old bar I made a couple of years ago in the corner.

Our first dinner in the new dining room. B1 set the table. :)

One of the last things we did yesterday was take the door off of the living room. There is really no reason to have it there and it was just making the space look smaller. I can tell you that the room (which is quite large, actually) looks HUGE now. AND we were able to hang up the last of my 3 set pictures...

And of course I needed one little lone bird somewhere, right? Here he is...

There might be more birds in the apartments future but for now, he's it...

What do you think?