Friday, November 19, 2010

Closer to Fine

My brain is foggy today. I've been extra tired this week and am feeling tense. I got a massage on Monday in hopes of releasing some of that tension and while it did help, it was not enough. I've been very self-aware lately-aware of my insecurities, downfalls and faults. And, because of this self-awareness, I've been reminded of how hard I am on myself and how this affects the world around me.

I have a hard time feeling like I am good enough. I worry that if I make a mistake or if I do something stupid that the people who love me will end up loving me less. I explained it to B1 the other day using the "everyone starts with an A" theory...that with every mistake, points are taken away until you eventually have an F.

I know this isn't always true. I know that mistakes happen and that an argument or disagreement does not mean the end of the world. But somehow, the thought of "It's only a matter of time before they leave" always creeps back in.

I know this isn't healthy. I know why I feel this way and the people who helped weave these feelings into my soul. What I do not know is how I am going to banish these thoughts and rewire my soul to feel better.

I go through spurts. Most of the time, I feel very good and happy and content. But when things are going really, really well and I am feeling so happy and blessed I also start to feel uneasy. I must stop these feelings. I am loved by and in love with one of the most amazing people I've ever met. He's smart and funny and talented and sexy and he's all mine! And he loves me and is nice to me and he makes me feel special. There is NO reason I should have the thoughts I sometimes do. Other than I need to be rewired.

I went to see someone on Wednesday night. I told him that I wanted to stop feeling this way and that I needed a very specific step by step plan to help me when I am feeling not good enough. I want a specific way to affirm my worth when I am in a good mental place. I want to take action and take responsibility for my thoughts and I want to kick these insecurities in the ASS.

We talked a lot about my dad and Jamie because they are the most obvious reasons why I feel not good enough. He really focused in on the fact that I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I know this is a major reason for most of my feelings. I told him so, too. I then told him that all of the books I've ever read always tell me WHY I feel the way I do, but all of them fail to tell me HOW TO GET PAST IT. He chuckled and said he'd work on it.

After that meeting I felt lighter. It's always helpful to me to tell my story-my whole story-to a stranger. It somehow validates me and makes me realize that I am not just some whiny girl who wants to feel bad so I hold on to my past. It makes me realize that I am not alone and that I can move on. I just have to follow through and be patient with myself.

That's so much easier said than done!

In addition to going to talk to someone, I signed up to hear a lecture called "Creating more joy in your life". The lecture was last night. While it didn't blow my mind and he didn't say anything profound I feel like I did benefit from it a little bit. It was a reminder that I have to make the conscious choice to feel good. I have to make the choice to ALLOW myself to be happy. That's a hard one. Let myself be happy. Nothing bad will happen if I do that. I'm allowed. And I deserve it.

Last night B1 and I were talking before we fell asleep and I mentioned how difficult it is for me to relax. During guided meditations and even massages my mind wanders and goes off in its own direction. I tense my shoulders, stop's strange. I'm going to work harder on getting to a place where I can let go of that tension too. I think I'm going to start with a couple of meditation and self-hypnosis tapes and go from there.

Life is hard work. But hopefully after these initial steps I'm taking I'll be able to go through them without thought and life will be a little easier.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010


It's always fun meeting people who know your ex and thinks he is a jerk.

It is, indeed, a small world.

I love this picture:

Our place is coming along-we now own a china cabinet and it is filled with our china. The dining room is painted and the table is set up. All we have to do is hang pictures, get (or make) window treatments and get a light fixture.

If you have neck or back pain and want a massage, I highly recommend going for a therapeutic massage instead of a spa massage. It'll hurt a little bit, but it's worth it!

Tonight I am going to talk to the shrink. I hope he's not annoying.

Tomorrow I am going to hear a lecture about creating more joy in my life. It should be interesting. It's in my old neighborhood so I'm going to have dinner somewhere and then go. AND a friend of mine is coming with me, so that's a bonus.

Being called "Crazy eyes" is weird. Especially because I do not have crazy eyes and I hardly ever hang out with the friend who gave me that name!

Playing games with my littlest sister, her boyfriend and B1 is extremely fun and it gives me the giggles.

"Vaginaboob". 'Nuff said.

I started my Christmas list...we'll exchange them next week at Thanksgiving and then on Friday I'll hopefully get lots of them taken care of at insanely discounted prices.

We're having a dinner party. Our very first dinner party. *sigh*

Have you ever loved someone so much that you sometimes just want to scream it at the top of your lungs? Or you want to smoosh yourself right into them? Or kiss them 'til your lips fall off? If not, you're really missing out.

I am making the same sausage stuffing I did last year because my sister's boyfriend requested it. When I asked my Mom to add sausage to my shopping list, she asked why and if it was for the stuffing. She then proceeded to tell me that my littlest sister couldn't eat it if that was the case b/c she is a vegetarian. Seriously Mom? WTF-she's been a vegetarian since she was like, 10. She's 22 now. I kinda know that I have to make her extra without sausage.

Sometimes I really wonder what the hell goes through her mind.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

Toosdae ?'s

1. If you were ordering a cheese steak today, what would you have on it?

2. What is the farthest distance you have driven specifically to eat a certain food?

3. Do you have an "EZ Pass" or some sort of toll device that allows you to go through the fast lane?

1. Well, if I were to order a steak today I'd get onions, mushrooms and whiz. And I'd add ketchup when I got it. I didn't do that this weekend and I feel that I should have.

2. Because I live in Boston, I'd say this trip wins, however I once drove from LA to Vegas twice specifically for a Brazilian restaurant.

3. Yes, I do. It's fabulous and wouldn't want to go back to waiting in those long toll lines-especially as you enter Boston!

Sunday, November 14, 2010

Philly Cheese Steak Taste Off

This weekend B1, my littlest sister, her boyfriend and I went on a road trip to Philly for what I call "The Great Philly Cheese Steak Taste Off". We drove down to CT and spent the night over their house and then got up, had breakfast and drove 3 1/2 hours to Philly. To eat cheese steak. And that is all.

When I mentioned this to some people, they rolled their eyes and laughed at me. "You're driving all the way to Philly for a few hours just to eat cheese steak?!"


Why not? It's not that far away and it's a fun and relatively inexpensive way to see a city we've never been to. And it was a beautiful day spent with wonderful people. What more could a girl ask for?

The group "before" in the elevator

The actual drive down wasn't so bad. The worst thing that happened was that we stopped at a rest area to use the bathroom and I got hungry because it was 1pm and I hadn't eaten since breakfast. And I couldn't eat because I knew I was about to eat 2 feet of Philly Cheese Steak.

We got to Philly around 2pm. It is such a pretty city! The neighborhood nearest Geno's and Pat's was more urban than the other areas we saw and not surprisingly, it was my favorite. We didn't get to walk around but B1 and I both agree that we have to go back for the weekend sometime next year. We parked and got ready to eat some serious cheese steak.

Fat zone, indeed.

Pat's King of Steaks

The air around Pat's and Geno's was full of steaky air goodness. This did not help our hunger at all. We hopped into line at Pat's and started to prepare ourselves for the ordering process. We did not want to get sent to the end of the line...especially because we first waited in the shorter, faster drink line. This was the actual line for cheese steaks. It wrapped around the building and spilled out into the road.

Surprisingly, we only waited for 15 minutes in Pat's line...

B1 & I showing off our Pat's soda. :)

When they say that Pat's and Geno's are right across the street from each other, they aren't kidding. This is the view of Geno's from the line at Pat's.

When we finally got to the counter, we were relieved to find directions on how to order:

How to order: "If you make a mistake, don't panic. Just go to the back of the line and start over."

And even more relieved that we did NOT make a mistake!

Our first bite of an authentic Philly Cheese Steak

Pat's steaks were good-I'll tell you about the actual food in a few minutes. But for now, this is what happens to boys when they eat cheese steaks on a wall on the side of the road:

Steaky goodness, on B1's clothes

The 3 of us (my sister is a vegetarian and just came with us for the fun of it!) pretty much inhaled our first sandwich. We've been talking about this trip for over 2 weeks and we hadn't eaten since early morning so we were starving. Looking back, this is probably a good thing because I know that I for one would not have been able to eat more if I hadn't been so hungry. And so we moved on to Geno's...

The line for Geno's was shorter, but we stood in line for more than double the time at Pat's. I took this to mean that more people liked Geno's cheese steaks. Or that they were just slower.

Pat's, as seen from the line at Geno's

By the time we go to the window, sat down and began to eat at Geno's, we weren't feeling the "Take a picture of me eating a cheese steak!" thing. So we have none of them. But we DO have a picture of the 4 of us after eating cheese steaks AND having a beer at the bar next door.

Now-are you curious about which steak I liked better or which steak we as a group liked the best? Even if you aren't, I'm gonna tell you. :) Because I'm such a geek, I made up score cards for us. It included a description of what the criteria should be (Bread, juicy meat, toppings, cheese, the way it looked and ambiance of the place) and then a numbering system for each category. I also included room for comments. At the end of the day, I would add up the totals and average them. Which ever had the highest average would "win".

Here are my cheese steaks side by side. I got whiz and onions on both, to be consistent.

Pat's meat is shaved and was very juicy. Remember the stains on B1's clothing? That was from Pat's. The onions were cooked well, were tender and flavorful but not overpowering. And the cheese-well, they put a lot on there. The bread was good but not fantastic-it could have been a tiny bit crustier in my opinion. We went through Pat's line quickly and though I got the feeling they might be jerkholes, the staff there was nice in a "hurry up and order" kind of way. They served our sandwiches quickly, sliding them over the counter toward us. They were not wrapped but sat on top of the paper.

Geno's meat is thinly sliced and wasn't juicy at all. The onions were hardly cooked and were cut into bigger chunks than Pat's. They overpowered the flavor of the sandwich. In fact, hours later, I could still taste them! If you look at the sandwich on the right, you'll see that there was very little cheese on my cheese steak. This was an overall theme on not just our sandwiches, but everyone else's that I glanced at. Instead of putting the whiz on top, they spread it on the bread with a knife, making it not very cheesy at all. The shining star of Geno's steak was the bread. It was fresh and crusty but not flaky. I really enjoyed this bread and wished that Pat's used the same. The ambiance of Geno's was less appealing to me. It was flashier, which is obvious, but it was also dirtier. The tables were smeared with grease and I'm not going to lie-it grossed me out a bit. I had to psych myself out a bit in order to sit at the table. The staff was friendly-though I did hear one lady yell at someone because she thought they were putting ketchup on their Pat's fries. I know this is probably part of their thing, but I thought it was a little ridiculous and she was kind of too rude for me.

I'm sure that from my descriptions above you can probably guess that I liked Pat's better. A lot better, in fact. It was just overall a better sandwich, had more flavor and was...well, tastier. Neither sandwich, however, was worth a drive to Philly. (This trip was totally worth it-just overall, I wouldn't drive to Philly for these 2 sandwiches again.) Neither of them blew me away-in fact, I've had better cheese steak sandwiches in CT and MA than I did here. BUT, it was fun to go see 2 places that are so well known and to spend time with some of my favorite people doing it.