Friday, August 13, 2010

What A Difference A Year Makes...

One year ago today I wrote this:

Life has been getting me down again & I hate it. I hate that I've become that friend that no one wants to talk to because I'm so sad. I'm trying!!! I promise. Today is a new day.

This time last year was a roller coaster for me. I was actively looking at cafes, asking you for advice about paint colors, coffee cups and menus and wondering if one of my dreams was about to come true. I was out of work for 8 months at that point and was feeling pretty useless and truth be told, lifeless. I didn't feel like I had much to live for and that made me so sad. I wondered why my prayers hadn't yet been answered and I questioned why I was continuously tested.

I was flailing around, trying to make my way with a life that I did not want to call my own.

I look back at those posts (the ones I posted here as well as my private ones) and am just baffled by how drastically my life changed. Most notably, I lost my best friend and felt such deception that it still makes me sick to think about it. I felt a devastation like never before when I realized that my mother does not believe in me enough to take the same risk my father was willing to take. Both of these things were hard to get over but with the help of many friends and lots of prayers and faith, I made it.

Over the last year I've cried more tears than I think I ever have as an adult. I felt so alone at times (even when surrounded by those who love me) because I didn't want to be that girl-the one that was always sad and always needing help. There were times when I honestly felt like I couldn't face the day. But when I was down I always remembered one thing:

I always survive.

My heart has been badly broken, beaten and shattered by many, many people. My scars are visible to those who know me best-but they are there because I survived. I healed. I moved on. And I never gave up. I always had faith, even when I asked why He wasn't answering my prayers NOW and why I was having to go through those situations. I didn't understand at the time but looking back over this last year, I now know that I had to take this journey. I had to fall apart so that I could be put back together again into a better, stronger me. A more clearly defined me. The me I am today.

And knowing the things I know now, I know that He did answer my prayers. I was just too wrapped up in misery that I couldn't see them working out the kinks so that I could smoothly sail into the life I am currently living. You see, some of my prayers involved another person and in order for my prayers to be answered, he had to be perfectly aligned so that we could meet. So when I think about why it took so long and why I had to go through what I did, I smile.

I smile not because I liked the pain and not because I have another set of scars-but I smile because I am right where I am supposed to be and for the first time in a really, really long time, it feels heaven sent.

Amen.

Gone Camping

B1 and I leave after work tonight for a weekend of camping, beaching and boating. I am deliriously excited. The weather is supposed to be in the mid to low 70's during the day and in the cool 50's at night-just about perfect weather for me! The cars are packed and after what will prove to be a long day of work, we're off!

Did you know they now make graham crackers specifically for s'mores? They're square! I can't wait to use them. How is it that it's taken this long for them to figure out they should do this?!? I'm so excited to try them.

We're having beef kabob's tonight on the fire. I marinated them with a little wine, herbs, a dash of soy sauce and vinegar along with a special seasoning. The marinade was delicious so I'm sure the beef will rock. And for breakfast on Saturday B1 is making french toast. I'm told he makes excellent camping french toast so I'm (not suprisingly) excited to try it.

So, as you can see, my weekend is going to be heavenly. What are your plans?

Thursday, August 12, 2010

Randomivity

I'm kinda bad at blogging now. I guess that's what happens when I have a magically delicious life.

The apartment progress continues to be slow. I'm mostly OK with this but every now and then I get a burst of frustration about the messiness and the lack of paint/window treatments and I freak out a little. Not one room in the house is completely done. This has to change soon.

Most of B1's things are now in. Today I walked into our bedroom after taking a shower and smiled. 2 dressers, 2 night stands...and weirdly enough, 2 mattresses.

Yeah. We have 2 mattresses. And we're not afraid to use them. (JK-the 2nd one is his old bed that we're keeping for guests. We just haven't figured out where to store it yet.)

Going to the beach with lifeguards patrolling for sharks on jet ski's is quite a weird experience. Combining that with an open incision and murky water was enough to stop me at my knees. (That, and the fact that we OD'd on shark week!)

I'm baking again. If you know where my Etsy site is and you're in the market for some baked goods, head on over!

Sometimes you just have to suck it up and deal with a skanky hoe.

I am singing at my sister's wedding in October and my father is playing the guitar. My sister chose "The Rose". I haven't sang in public for a very long time so I'm a little nervous. I also have bad asthma now and am worried that it'll affect it.

Work is really busy now. I actually WORKED the entire week last week and up until today. It's nice to have things to do.

Tuesday, August 10, 2010

Toosdae ?'s


Ta-Daaaaaa! It's the triumphant (?) return of Toosdae ?'s! I'm not entirely sure why I haven't posted them in the last couple of weeks, but here they are today! Have fun answering away!

1. Has anyone ever hijacked your Facebook page? If so, what did they post on your update status? (Or did they do something else?)

2. Does a fear of fish or sharks typically deter you from swimming in ponds/lakes/oceans? If not would you be deterred if there was a recent shark sighting where you were swimming?

3. What was the last "summer treat" you treated yourself to?

1. No...I'm pretty good about logging off of stuff when I walk away from the computer and until recently I lived alone. So unless Bella learned to type, I was pretty safe. If she had hijacked my FB I'm sure she would have written a reminder to give her treats.

2. No, I am generally not phased by the fact that sharks and fish live in the water, though I have to admit that every time I go into the ocean I say a prayer to keep us all safe. This weekend the beach I went to had shark sightings and I do have to admit that thanks to Shark Week I stayed a little closer to shore than normal. That, and the fact that I had a cut made me a little more nervous than usual.

3. Probably Flavor Ice. B1 bought some and we partake in it's cold goodness now and then. I think it's about time I go out to ice cream though-the summer's almost over and I haven't done that yet!

Monday, August 09, 2010

God Rays

Thursday night I had a tiny medical scare.  I'm not going to go into it, but it had me very nervous and upset and thankfully B1-the amazing boyfriend that he is-calmed me down and made me feel OK.  The next morning I called the doctor for an appointment and by the afternoon I was in the office telling her what was going on.  She called in another doctor and within 5 minutes the words incision and needle were being thrown around...and within 10 minutes those things were touching me.

I didn't have time to get up or call anyone.  I was scared because these aren't things I take lightly and it was going to be a delicate procedure.  All I wanted to do was call B1 but I couldn't reach my phone so I had to stick it out and be brave while this thing was happening. 

I like to be able to prepare for these things.  Or at least have a few minutes to really think about them.

After the procedure I was shaken up and sore so I went back home to rest.  Before this happened, B1 was planning on spending the night on the boat, but he called to see how I was and I started crying when I told him what happened (he called literally 2 minutes after I left the office) so he told me he was coming home.  Really, he's pretty awesome.  I didn't want to stop him from being on the boat, but I really did want a B1 hug so I sighed a sigh of relief and went home.

So far I only have a little discomfort and no side effects.  I was able to go to the beach on Saturday with a friend and to a picnic on Sunday.  I know that without knowing what happened, this post is a little cryptic, but I'll tell you that there was potential for a lot more discomfort than I have.  So I'm grateful I was able to enjoy the weekend the way I did.

Yesterday I met more of B1's family-his Mom's side.  I love them.  They're so nice and funny and welcoming and I felt very comfortable hanging out with them.  It's pretty wonderful, meeting a boy who is so kind and loving and silly who loves his family and loves bringing me with him.  I told him yesterday that I love how geeky he is about how much he loves me.  It feels pretty fantastic to be openly and unapologetically loved by such a man.

It's Monday.  It's usually a blah day-but it's OK because I know when I get home, I have a little bit of sunshine waiting for me.