Saturday, May 29, 2010


There are random times each day when I experience sudden bursts of disbelief followed by overwhelming joy at the realization that this is really happening. B1 and I found each other when neither of us were looking, after both of us experienced feelings of not being good enough for the people we once loved. And we made our way back. We love again and we are loved.

Sometimes I marvel at how fiercely we love each other. We're still new to each other, really, and yet it feels like we've known each other for far, far longer than we have. We fit. In every way.

And when I think about us-when I really, really think about how life took me to all of the different places it did and then all of a sudden he was brings me to tears. I don't think in 100 years he will ever know how grateful I am for his love and how amazed I am by who he is as a person. But I'm going to do my best to tell him and show him so that he always knows just how important he is to me.

I'm missing him tonight...

I have a really lovely version of this song on iTunes but can't find it anywhere that allows me to post. This is the closest I can find...

Shoelaces untied
You can dry your eyes
Perfect shadows lie
Behind us
This is the day I make you mine

The way your hair lies
sometimes unrecognised
All the way from the east today
on a train
Nothing to say but there's still time

But you are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun
It's been bating morn' today

Lately I've lost my tongue
Today you found my song
I know our love has grown
Well I thank god you came along

But you are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun
It's been beating morn' today

You looked right through me
When there was no one else
I sat beside you and became myself
Today... today

You are the one
I've been waiting for today
And here comes the sun
It's been beating morn' today

Friday, May 28, 2010


It's Christmas morning and I am on the phone with my Aunt Sue while sitting on the steps. I admit that I was afraid of Santa being in my room while I was sleeping, so I slept with the covers over my face...I was in nursery school. She was about 12.

The living room was pitch black and we're in the kitchen. Out of nowhere, my middle sister screeches in holding her neck yelling, "My throat is burning! My throat is burning!" We hop into the yellow work van (with no back seats) and drive to the ER. She ate Play-Doh. She wasn't going to die.

My face is half red and half white and I have on a red wig. She has on a wicker cowboy hat and a plaid shirt. She holds me on her hip. I want to be just like her. I want curly hair.

I'm in chorus and he is leading the class. He tells her that her voice is like a bell. He tells me he likes my earrings. "Every girl should wear earrings." he said.

We're waiting for my mother to pick us up after rehearsal. We sit, talking to the older girl, hoping she'll remember us next year. She has on black flats with a bow on them. She tells us she'll see us next year...and then she remembers.

We're eating ice cream in Copley Square talking about things I already know. I wonder if he's going to come back. He did. And I wish he did not.

He cut himself so he left the kitchen to wash up. When he re-enters, there is blood all over his whites-because we knew he was OK, we laughed-hard-at the fact that he had no idea he was covered in blood.

I'm exhausted but I can't sleep because she insists on sleeping in the same bed as me. It is a twin. I'm visiting from Florida for a special occasion and she missed me. I'm OK with the fact that my shoulder ends up with a wet spot. I missed her too.

It's cold, and I am in heaven. We're standing by the fountain at Epcot. I'm wearing a black satin skirt, Mary Jane's with white socks and a red top. I feel free and alive. We take a picture. I look happy and young.

We're flying to Maryland to visit family. She reads me a Donald Duck book about flying so that I do not get scared. She reaches into her bag for a snack. It's an over ripe pear that's been smooshed by the book. I don't remember if we ate it or not.

Thursday, May 27, 2010


Like many of you, I try to stay away from discussing politics on my blog. And today isn't very different except for the fact that I'm just going to mention how disappointed I am in my state senator. I didn't vote for him so naturally I don't like him as it is-but this week is just worse. I do not, for the life of me, understand why someone-especially in Massachusetts (you know, the first state to allow gay marriage?)-would vote against the repeal of "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".

As someone who never really "got" what the big deal was in the first place, I have to admit that I don't "get" why DADT would not be repealed. Especially in this day and age. I can't wrap my brain around the fact that not only are there people who actually feel threatened by another persons sexual preference, but that they feel strongly enough about it that they fight to take away that persons ability to do something-whatever it is-because of it.

I don't know many people who have served in a war or who have been away from home for a long period of time. But it's fairly common knowledge that when the men and women in the Armed Forces are away, they're lonely and they miss their loved ones. I'd imagine that getting a letter or a care package filled with cookies or pictures brightens their day and I also imagine that at some point they share their happiness with a buddy.

A cookie to Stan, a piece of good news to Mike. And a "look at us in this picture-we're so in love" to Steve...But for those individuals who are not allowed to openly speak about their private lives, those pictures have to be hidden*.

I know that this is an over simplified look at DADT and that part of the policy is designed to protect gay men and women from being discriminated against and from being hunted (for lack of a better word) down and thrown out of the military for no reason other than their sexual preference. I guess what it really boils down to in my mind is that it's not the gays that should be thrown out-it's the people who actively discriminate against them that should have to go. And any policy that prevents another human being from living a certain way (which does not harm any other human being) is not OK in my book. And that is why I am baffled and disappointed in my state senator today.

In other news, this is my horoscope for today:

Something or someone has rekindled your fire today. You may find that though your emotions may seem a bit on the fanciful side, they are certainly quite strong and courageous. Hold on tight and don't let go...

I'm pretty sure that my fire has been rekindled overall, and not just for today...and yeah, I'm totally holding on tight.

"Don't Tell" prohibits military personnel from disclosing they are gay or have any kind of same-sex relationships-effectively permitting deeply closeted gays and bisexuals to serve as long as they do not "out" themselves and they are not "outed" by others"

Wednesday, May 26, 2010


Giant meatballs DO exist!!

Being told that he doesn't just love me, but he's IN love with me is one of the most wonderful things ever.

Random dating fact: Picking out your underwear is a lot harder when you know someone else will see it.

Sometimes all you need is a box cutter and a little determination.

Having someone you don't like tell you that they didn't recognize you just makes it easier to not like them.

When I told Rye Bread that I have a boyfriend she replied, "Good! Everyone else has one, and you should too!" She went on to point out that I am, after all, the 3rd oldest person in the family.

The more I look at apartments on Craigslist the more I know I'm going to miss mine. It really is lovely.

My workout yesterday after work really rocked and I honestly think it's because I forgot that Mmmm Bop! was on my iPod and when it started playing, I immediately got happier.

Yes. Mmmm Bop! It reminds me of College Program at Disney. And also, it's a fun song.

It's been a very, very long time since I've yearned for someones touch as much as I do for B1's.

I think I know who my new boss is going to be and while I love her, I worry that my job is going to change and that someone else will be taking over.

I just hope that 1. I have a job and 2. My pay rate does not decrease.

I get to play softball with Rye Bread in the yard this weekend. I can't tell you how excited this makes me!

2 Months Since I First Saw Your Face

Quiet anticipation,
the fear of being denied
a gradual journey to the place
hope and faith collide.

Dreams remember how to live.
Trust is born again.
Letting go and moving on.
Forgive. Return to zen.

Life, unscripted,
limits unknown.
Feelings of euphoria-
a love, slowly grown.

In dreams, you often came to me-
before I knew your face.
Your spirit kept me yearning;
made me hold your place.

Jumping in, not looking back
no fear of what comes next.
What matters now is in my heart,
I already love you best.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Toosdae ?'s

I've been in love before, of course...and even the horribly broken relationships have happy memories and lessons that I still carry with me. But I think that have a string of really tragic love stories makes this one even sweeter. And being able to share this bunch of wonderful with B1 specifically is just mind blowing. He loves me-and not only that-he loves me just as much as I love him. In a we're crazy about each other and we don't care if we look like silly adults in love kind of way. And holy cow, is that ever refreshing, amazing, astounding, stupendous and unexpected...

Happy Toosdae!

1. Has a book ever changed your life? If so, which one?

2. Do you currently have an active role model/mentor in your life? If so, who? If not, have you ever had one?

3. If you had a snail that could magically grant wishes-what would you name it?

1. While there are many books that have made an impact or left an impression, I can't honestly say that one specific book has changed my life. I have favorites, of course, but life changing? I'm not sure about that.

2. I think the closest thing to a role model in my current life is my father. He's the poster child for change and re-inventing yourself and while I learned to adapt and change well before he did, I like to think that it's something I've gotten from him.

3. Omar. I don't know why.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Sometimes Lovers

This is old but I just stumbled upon it in my email. I didn't post it last year for obvious reasons-all of which mean nothing now.

A sometimes lover is like a
slice of cake;
so good for a while, you
forget what's at stake.

Seduced by its comfort
but pained by the ingredients.
A lifetime of feeling hungry.

It's time to go on a diet.

It feels good to have lost that weight...

This Space Intentionally Left Blank

I am having a hard time walking this morning...

Get your minds out of the gutter!  This weekend I switched my exercise routine up a little bit and managed to work a few leg muscles that don't get used in my normal work out.  Which is good.  But also painful.  Yesterday when I went to the gym I knew that it would hurt for the first few minutes (and it did) but I pushed through the pain and kept going.  I'm a trooper like that.  After a really good 30 minutes I stepped off of the elliptical and felt like my legs were made of jelly.  Today I am feeling the after effects...tomorrow's work out will be better. 

I know that a few of you watch LOST-how do you feel about the finale last night?  Without giving away any spoilers for those of you who didn't stay up, I'd like to say that I am very disappointed in how it ended.  I liked the episode well enough up until the end.  I just feel like it was a cop out and that it was very unoriginal.  And also, obvious.  That was the theory I've heard the most of the years and they kept saying that no one has guessed the ending...well...I'm pretty sure they're wrong!  And still so many questions are left unanswered.  Overall, it's a gross disappointment and LOST can suck it.  I think I'll just always keep the first few seasons in my heart and forget about the last. 

And I know I'm not alone in feeling this way...such a disappointment.

Sunday, May 23, 2010

When U Least Expect It...

...and the amazing thing is, he is in love with me too.

Yes, I told him-I couldn't wait. I don't hold back my feelings for B1 so it seemed silly to hold back the words. And now, if he had any doubt, he knows. And I know. And we are in love.

And now, my friends, he will be given the link to this blog. There is no reason at all now to keep this place a secret. He'll be able to read anything and everything that you all have been reading all ups and downs, my dark sides and my inspiring ones. No need to hide anything now, or ever again.

I am so in love with you B1-thank you for being patient with me and for loving me for who I am. You are nothing short of amazing...

(Say hi to B1 everyone!)