Saturday, February 27, 2010

Day Two, Kickin' Ass

So far, so 2 is halfway through and I feel fantastic. I joined a gym last night and this morning after breakfast I went and worked out for about 45 minutes. I did really well and just felt amazing after I left. It's such a great feeling, knowing that if I keep this up, I'll end up a better, healthier me. And if feels good to take control.

The portions on Jenny Craig are very good. Last night's dinner (bbq meat loaf w/ a veggie mix) plus the additional 1 1/2 C. of veggies I had to eat with it (broccoli) the dinner filled the entire plate. Yes, it was mostly broccoli, but it was GOOD! I don't know why I can't do a diet without having to cross things off of a list as I go, but it's working so far and I'm happy.

I was supposed to go to a happy hour last night but decided against it. I also planned on going to the movies today but canceled that as well. After reflecting back on past diets, I realized that once I cheat, it's hard to get back on track. Being that it's only day 2, I don't want to cheat and let's face it-when presented with wine and beer (happy hour) and popcorn (movies) I can not say no. And that, my friends, would have meant cheating. So, in order to prevent myself from doing that so early in the game, I just canceled plans. It saved me money too, so that's another plus.

Tomorrow I have to drive over to Springfield to pick up my Bella. She's been away from me for a week and I miss her terribly!! Due to this past weeks forecasts, my cousin and I decided this weekend would be best. She'll be in Western MA tomorrow, and so I'll drive over to meet her and to get my baby. I can't wait. I hope she doesn't hate me too much!!!

After the pickup I'll drive back home and drop Bella off-and then turn right back out the door. I have my first (of 2) appointments with a personal trainer. If you remember, I bought these 2 sessions at the beginning of the year from a special email promotion. It also gives me 1 month at their gym, but because I already joined another one, I won't be using that. But I WILL take everything Katie teaches me and bring it back to my gym so I hopefully see results. Again, it feels fantastic to take control. I know it's only day 2, but I feel like this time might be it. I feel like maybe this time I might succeed and I might be on my way to a healthier, hotter, happier me.

Only time will tell...

Friday, February 26, 2010

Five on Friday: Playlist 1

My friend Trav created a meme a little bit ago and I'm just now able to participate. This is the beginning of a playlist I want to create to work out to...I'll be joining a gym tomorrow and so I've gotta get my butt shakin'!

Here are some of Trav's guidelines.

1. Grab the banner, make your post title Five on Friday, and be sure to link back to Trav.
2. Go to to make your play list of five songs. Choose a particular theme to share with us. You can simply post the play list, or you can add a little summary about what you are sharing.
3. I don't know how to make a specific linky, so be sure to leave me a comment to let me know that you participated.
4. No tags, but feel free to invite your friends to play along if they need a post topic on a Friday.

Meal Plans

I had a scheduled check up with the doctor yesterday to follow up on my asthma. The great news is that it seems to be under control and she was thrilled with my peak flow readings and the sound of my lungs. I told her I could have a conversation now without getting out of breath and I could even walk up stairs again! I now feel confident that I can start exercising again. Before, I was worried I wouldn't be able to breath (considering I was having trouble when I was even talking!)

I went into this appointment knowing I was going to talk to her about my weight. I was searching through my health care providers website and noticed that they cover bariatric surgery but that they require you to enroll in a 6 month program which includes nutrition counseling and follow ups. We had discussed the option of lap band surgery for me once before but she told me that because of my age she really wants me to lose it without the surgery if possible. I 100% agreed. As I get older, I worry about heart disease, diabetes and my asthma getting worse. My blood pressure is borderline high and I do NOT want to have to take blood pressure medicine.

Like most people who have struggled with their weight for most of their lives, I've tried just about every diet there is. And while I am not currently active enough (due to my asthma) I was pretty active last year when I was unemployed (walked ALL of the time, worked out almost daily at the YMCA). The most I ever really lost was about 10 pounds. I did manage to lose about 50 pounds on Atkins about 5 years ago, but I've come to realize that it's just not realistic for me now. When I did Atkins, I was in a relationship with someone I lived with and he sort of kept me on track. Plus, I know myself. I know that if I do not plan ahead of time and write what I am going to eat every day, I WILL NOT FOLLOW THE PLAN. I don't cook for myself and when I do, I tire of what I've made. I know my failures are mostly willpower related but I also know that the strict schedule and written menus help me-just like my lists help in every other aspect of my life. Without them, I just go willy nilly through my life until I have to stop and take control again. It's all or nothin' with me. I know this...

So. Last night I joined Jenny Craig. Their planned menus, pre-packaged food and portions work for me. I don't have to actively think about what I'm going to eat tomorrow because it's already done for me. All I have to worry about is fruit, veggies and dairy-which is super easy. If I had a family, it wouldn't be realistic. But as a single woman who is on the go, it's just perfect. I didn't join for "life" like I've done in the past. I can never afford to stay on this plan for a long time. Instead, I just joined to lose 20 pounds. That's a good enough number for me to get a jump on things and to start seeing results. I have about 80 pounds to lose and I'm looking forward to easing into it with a plan.

I've heard that the university gym is disgusting. Now, I realize that my source might be a little picky and that it's probably not as bad as he says. But I'm pretty sure that I'm going to find a different gym. My health insurance gives me $150 back once I've been enrolled in a gym for 4 months. So I'm going to visit a few this weekend to see what they're like, and join. (I'll check out the university gym first, of course-because it's free.)

I'm hoping that once and for all, I can shed this weight I've had on me since college. People tell me all of the time that I looked younger than I am and that I am beautiful. Yes, this is true, but I can look better. I can feel better. I can be healthier. It's just the right thing to do, and I really pray this is it. It'll always be a struggle. But hopefully with a little discipline and hard work, it'll get a little easier.

Thursday, February 25, 2010

An Enigma

Last night I was called an enigma.  I was also called cute and was told that a night out with me was felt like a million sparkly rainbows and stars*...all of this was told to me by a friend.  Yeah...I'M the enigma.  Right.

I had a really, really nice time.  Which makes it even more confusing.

One of the things that is always nice about going out to dinner with...let's call him...Sullivan.  So one of the nice things about dinner with Sullivan (Sulli for short) is the conversation.  It's always playful but deep.  There is a lot of self-reflecting when we talk and I often learn something about myself, or about him.  I admit, sometimes it's a little tiring, and beside the fact that I'm afraid of losing another friendship due to a failed relationship the other thing that is holding me back is that I kind of feeling analyzed when I'm with him.  As if he's watching every move I make to try to figure out what it means.

He's told me on more than one occasion that he can tell when I am holding something back.  Which is weird, because I've told him some pretty secret things and he knows all of my stories.  All of them.  So I'm not quite sure what he thinks I'm holding back...except maybe my heart.  I do protect that-even more now than ever.  So I guess just by typing this blog post I've figured out what he means.

Another thing that he mentioned is that he notices that I choose my words carefully, even in emails.  I kind of chuckled because "someone" told me that he was "always careful" what he said to me because he didn't want me to take it the wrong way.  I can go on a long tangent about that (like, actions speak louder than words, or perhaps he should have said something to tell me what I was to him ((apparently nothing)).) but I won't. :)  In any case, I never consciously picked my words carefully with Sullivan.  And we email a lot, so I don't really know what to do about that.  I don't really want to be the girl who's been hurt too much and therefore holds back with every man I ever meet.  Because, well, I've seen what that does to a person and it's not pretty.

So, in closing-I'm confusing and confused.  The end.

*A little lame, yes...but also endearing.

Wednesday, February 24, 2010


Getting a text that starts with "Hello my little pastry poodle" makes me smile.

I know that they can use any music, but it was weird watching ice dancing with country music playing.

"Wanna put some powder on those pits?"

It still breaks my heart to think about Rye Bread crying because she misses me.

Biggify is a word...even if it's just in the blog world.

I dislike the word "lobe" first it seems like a fun word to say, but then I think about about brains and livers and it's suddenly not as fun...but still a little fun.

Lisa Lobe's "Stay" is the song I sing if I go to Karaoke.

My little sister is getting married in October and we're going to pick dresses out in a couple of weeks in New Haven. I've been sort of freaking out about it because the 2 other girls in the wedding are very skinny and I'm not. So I went on David's bridal and found the option to make a fake wedding picture with the dress we might get. I'm the one with the jacket on. It doesn't look too weird to have 1 person in a jacket, does it?

Today I'm having lunch with 3 other girls in the office. We're going to talk about LOST every week until the end.

Because of my LOST lunches, I am also having dinner at a friends house on Monday to watch The Bachelor. I love his partner and have only met him once, so I'm super excited to have been invited over for dinner and entertainment.

No girl likes to hear that she is 2nd best.

I am going out to dinner tonight with a male friend of mine. The week is less lonely now.

Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Toosdae ?'s

My 2nd night alone was a little bit easier and not as lonely, but I'm still feeling melancholy. The dreams continue and I don't feel like I have anyone to talk to about them (please don't be offended, my good friends reading this. I just feel as though I've exhausted your patience on this subject!). I asked a good friend today if he knows of a way to "deprogram" my brain. He only suggested meditation but I don't think this is the answer. Do any of you know of any techniques I can use to either deprogram or reprogram my brain? I know I'm being vague, but there is good reason...

And now, to lighten the mood a little, please answer this weeks questions:

1. Do you enjoy rainy days or snowy days better?

2. If you had to recommend one book to someone, what would it be and why?

3. What do you miss most about childhood?

1. I actually like both very much, unless they prevent me from doing something that was planned (or if it rains for an entire month like it did last year). If I have to choose though, I'd say snowy days. There's nothing better than looking outside and looking at the clean, glistening snow.

2. A Tree Grows in Brooklyn by Betty Smith because it's a wonderfully sad but triumphant story about a girl who grew up knowing too much yet not enough and somehow realizes the life goes on no matter what. It's a story I could relate to on a very personal level, specifically because the father is an alcoholic.

3. Time. I miss the fact that I had a clean slate and many, many possibilities and what seemed like an endless amount of time to do those things.

Monday, February 22, 2010


All my life, I've been plagued with a sadness that comes after a big event is over. The looking forward to part is always so fun for me and I get wrapped up in excitement and planning that once the event is done, I feel sad and wistful. I try not to fall into it, but it gets me every time.

This weekend was so fun but when I got home, I immediately felt sad and lonely. The apartment felt so empty without Rye Bread's laughter and even my Bella (who is in CT for the week getting fixed) wasn't at the door waiting for me. And then Rye Bread broke my heart by calling me crying THREE HOURS after I left because she didn't want me to leave and she misses me. Talk about a stab in the heart! I love living her, but it's times like that which make me question whether or not I should have stayed in CT. I know that this is where I belong and I have no regrets about moving, it's just hard to hear that she wishes she saw me more.

As you can imagine, having guests visit for the weekend is a double edged sword for me. While I absolutely love playing hostess and having company, I dread the saying goodbye. Being alone isn't lonely until you get a taste of not being alone. That's when you really notice how quiet your life is and how empty the surrounding are. That's when I start wondering if I'll ever have a family of my own or if I'll always be alone.* Yes, getting a taste of togetherness makes the solitary life a little harder to take, even if it just lasts a night, it's still a reminder.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just feeling. I actually enjoy being independent and living alone doesn't bother me like it probably would bother a lot of people. But like I said, I've always been affected by the "coming down" and so being left with nothing but the sound of the ticking clock really makes me think. And as we all know, I sometimes think too much...