Thursday, December 02, 2010

ACoA Strikes Again

Tonight I almost went to an ACOA meeting but I got lost and then I got sidetracked. But I think it might be a good idea for me to go to at least one to see how it is.

No doubt, the reason I think the way I do is because I am an ACOA. I've pretty much known this for quite some time, but have always felt that I could work through things and move on. I think I'm coming to the realization that this, in fact, isn't the case. I've read books, journaled, reflected...but I always end up having a round of this funk that seeps into my otherwise fantastic life. And it tries taking me down. It tells me I'm not good enough and that if people really get to know me, they'd hate me.

It tells me that I need to work harder at being better, even though I'm pretty damn good. It tells me that I'm going to live a long, lonely life, even though I am in a loving relationship. It tells me if someone around me is having a bad day, it must be because I did something wrong, even if I know that I have not.

It messes with my mind and makes me feel small and useless and less than. And that is not OK.

I suppose the reason I'm thinking more about this is because the guy I went to see over this last month really seemed to push the issue. He made me remember that I do, in fact, identify with most of the characteristics (if if I don't currently identify with them, I did at some point) and that it's part of who I am. Unless I finally truly accept this and face it head on, it's not going to get better.

Something struck me in our last session-my father, the one who made me this way (for lack of better wording) is also an ACoA. In fact, BOTH of his parents were alcoholics and his father, though I did love him, was kind of a jerk. I guess I am just luckier than he was because instead of drinking and partying to escape, I turned the other way and became introverted and guarded and wrote poetry and stuff.

But it really made me stop to think for a minute and I sort of wish that I had this epiphany when I was younger. I'm not sure I would have been able to understand what it all meant, but maybe I could have seen a little bit into his world and perhaps understand why he was the way he was.

One of my biggest ACoA characteristics is my fear of abandonment. Which is weird, I think, because though my father was not around for me when I was little, he always lived with us, always worked hard to keep food on the table, clothes on our backs and we always went on family vacations (though I know now that they used my "college" bonds to go!). I only remember one time in which my mother exclaimed she wanted him to leave. In fact, I'M the one who wanted him to go away...so it's strange to me that this is one of my biggest hangups...worrying that the people I love are going to stop loving me and that they will leave once they realize what kind of person I "really" am.

Stupid, right?

I know I'm kind and thoughtful. I know I'm funny and vivacious and smart. I know these things and yet, this disease sneaks in all of these years later and slowly chips those thoughts away until I'm in complete meltdown mode. It's been a rough month for me. I want get back to being myself again.

I feel better when I'm doing something about it. Which incidentally, I am told is another ACoC trait. But I do-I feel better when I am acknowledging it and actively working on trying to fix it. I've been going to see that therapist and am going to start seeing a different one soon (this guy was through my EAP and the time ran out). I'm going to see if I can find an ACoA group which makes me feel comfortable enough to join and I'm going to try to find a church where I feel welcome. I also bought a workbook tonight at the bookstore and am going to work on that as well as continue to exercise (hopefully more than I have these last couple of months!) and to get chiropractic adjustments.

I'm also trying to find a good guided meditation cd or a self hypnosis cd...does anyone have any suggestions? If so, please email me!

So there you have it. I'm having small breakdowns and am worried about losing everything because it's so good. BUT-I am working on it, telling myself to shut up a lot (not really in that mean way-just trying to remind myself that my lenses are a little blurry and that my life really isn't horrible or in jeopardy) and am going to bounce back, just like I always do.

And now I'm going to have a good. cleansing cry, a glass of wine and I'm going to bed to dream good thoughts.

3 Good things from today:

1. I woke up next to an amazing man who loves me.
2. My boss called me "sweet" and appreciated something I did
3. I took action and found a workbook.

Why stop at 3 when there were more??

Bonus: (4) I saw the "B1 Loves Mags" screen saver that B1 put on our computer the other day and it made me smile. Not just on my face, but in my heart.

Bonus: (5) I got a random "Thinking of you" card from my good (but long lost) friend Kurt.

3 comments:

"Lois Grebowski" said...

Hugs, dear. I hope you work trhought this. You've made several great steps (go mags!) and you'll make great strides in pushing away the negative -- I can feel it.

You deserve love and happiness... You are worthy... and you are wonderful! Don't ever forget that.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Seems to me that just writing this today is helping you to cope with the situation.

You know you are loved....and isn't that the most important thing?

Thomas said...

Congrads on getting the help you so richly deserve, Mags. One thing I like to do when negative thoughts start to intrude is to lift my index finger to my mouth and say, "Shhhhhh". That will typically stop the train from getting any further. Love ya!