Friday, November 19, 2010

Closer to Fine

My brain is foggy today. I've been extra tired this week and am feeling tense. I got a massage on Monday in hopes of releasing some of that tension and while it did help, it was not enough. I've been very self-aware lately-aware of my insecurities, downfalls and faults. And, because of this self-awareness, I've been reminded of how hard I am on myself and how this affects the world around me.

I have a hard time feeling like I am good enough. I worry that if I make a mistake or if I do something stupid that the people who love me will end up loving me less. I explained it to B1 the other day using the "everyone starts with an A" theory...that with every mistake, points are taken away until you eventually have an F.

I know this isn't always true. I know that mistakes happen and that an argument or disagreement does not mean the end of the world. But somehow, the thought of "It's only a matter of time before they leave" always creeps back in.

I know this isn't healthy. I know why I feel this way and the people who helped weave these feelings into my soul. What I do not know is how I am going to banish these thoughts and rewire my soul to feel better.

I go through spurts. Most of the time, I feel very good and happy and content. But when things are going really, really well and I am feeling so happy and blessed I also start to feel uneasy. I must stop these feelings. I am loved by and in love with one of the most amazing people I've ever met. He's smart and funny and talented and sexy and he's all mine! And he loves me and is nice to me and he makes me feel special. There is NO reason I should have the thoughts I sometimes do. Other than I need to be rewired.

I went to see someone on Wednesday night. I told him that I wanted to stop feeling this way and that I needed a very specific step by step plan to help me when I am feeling not good enough. I want a specific way to affirm my worth when I am in a good mental place. I want to take action and take responsibility for my thoughts and I want to kick these insecurities in the ASS.

We talked a lot about my dad and Jamie because they are the most obvious reasons why I feel not good enough. He really focused in on the fact that I am an adult child of an alcoholic. I know this is a major reason for most of my feelings. I told him so, too. I then told him that all of the books I've ever read always tell me WHY I feel the way I do, but all of them fail to tell me HOW TO GET PAST IT. He chuckled and said he'd work on it.

After that meeting I felt lighter. It's always helpful to me to tell my story-my whole story-to a stranger. It somehow validates me and makes me realize that I am not just some whiny girl who wants to feel bad so I hold on to my past. It makes me realize that I am not alone and that I can move on. I just have to follow through and be patient with myself.

That's so much easier said than done!

In addition to going to talk to someone, I signed up to hear a lecture called "Creating more joy in your life". The lecture was last night. While it didn't blow my mind and he didn't say anything profound I feel like I did benefit from it a little bit. It was a reminder that I have to make the conscious choice to feel good. I have to make the choice to ALLOW myself to be happy. That's a hard one. Let myself be happy. Nothing bad will happen if I do that. I'm allowed. And I deserve it.

Last night B1 and I were talking before we fell asleep and I mentioned how difficult it is for me to relax. During guided meditations and even massages my mind wanders and goes off in its own direction. I tense my shoulders, stop's strange. I'm going to work harder on getting to a place where I can let go of that tension too. I think I'm going to start with a couple of meditation and self-hypnosis tapes and go from there.

Life is hard work. But hopefully after these initial steps I'm taking I'll be able to go through them without thought and life will be a little easier.


LceeL said...

I had something witty to say - about taking up tantric sex - but then I thought better of it because no one ever wants to make light of someone else's issues - at least *I* don't.

When I think of all the damage that men do to children - THEIR children on top of it - the abuse and the denial of support - emotional support - and other things men do - it just makes me angry and ashamed That I share an organ with men who would do such a thing.

REAL men don't rape.

REAL men don't abuse their kids.

REAL men don't fall through the door in a stupor and frighten the hell out of their kids.

Real men are loving, kind, hard working and supportive.

It takes strength and courage and will to exist in this culture, today, as a man - especially as a man with a family. No matter how a man is brought up - those attributes are there for the taking. There is NO EXCUSE for not attaining those attributes if you decide to have a family. NONE.

There. I'm off my soapbox now.

And I'm shorter.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Yoou went and spoke with someone, which is a step in the right direction.

Having been around for some 4 years now, I have seen so many changes in you...and they are all GOOD.

Keep that smile are worthy of are a delightful person...your past is your past and though it is difficult to move from the ills we have suffered, you have an incredible partner who fell in love with just be YOU

"Lois Grebowski" said...

I'm so proud of you for taking control of your life and realizing that you deserve happiness! You, my dear, are blooming... and I love it!


Rocketstar said...

Step by step...

Is the title in regards to the awesome Indigo Girls song? Check it out if you have not heard it.

Travis Cody said...

Keep working at it. Maybe try not to get down on yourself when you have a bad day. I've found that no matter how great things are going, sometimes you just have a bad day. That's OK.

You're doing just fine.