One year ago today I wrote this:
Life has been getting me down again & I hate it. I hate that I've become that friend that no one wants to talk to because I'm so sad. I'm trying!!! I promise. Today is a new day.
This time last year was a roller coaster for me. I was actively looking at cafes, asking you for advice about paint colors, coffee cups and menus and wondering if one of my dreams was about to come true. I was out of work for 8 months at that point and was feeling pretty useless and truth be told, lifeless. I didn't feel like I had much to live for and that made me so sad. I wondered why my prayers hadn't yet been answered and I questioned why I was continuously tested.
I was flailing around, trying to make my way with a life that I did not want to call my own.
I look back at those posts (the ones I posted here as well as my private ones) and am just baffled by how drastically my life changed. Most notably, I lost my best friend and felt such deception that it still makes me sick to think about it. I felt a devastation like never before when I realized that my mother does not believe in me enough to take the same risk my father was willing to take. Both of these things were hard to get over but with the help of many friends and lots of prayers and faith, I made it.
Over the last year I've cried more tears than I think I ever have as an adult. I felt so alone at times (even when surrounded by those who love me) because I didn't want to be that girl-the one that was always sad and always needing help. There were times when I honestly felt like I couldn't face the day. But when I was down I always remembered one thing:
I always survive.
My heart has been badly broken, beaten and shattered by many, many people. My scars are visible to those who know me best-but they are there because I survived. I healed. I moved on. And I never gave up. I always had faith, even when I asked why He wasn't answering my prayers NOW and why I was having to go through those situations. I didn't understand at the time but looking back over this last year, I now know that I had to take this journey. I had to fall apart so that I could be put back together again into a better, stronger me. A more clearly defined me. The me I am today.
And knowing the things I know now, I know that He did answer my prayers. I was just too wrapped up in misery that I couldn't see them working out the kinks so that I could smoothly sail into the life I am currently living. You see, some of my prayers involved another person and in order for my prayers to be answered, he had to be perfectly aligned so that we could meet. So when I think about why it took so long and why I had to go through what I did, I smile.
I smile not because I liked the pain and not because I have another set of scars-but I smile because I am right where I am supposed to be and for the first time in a really, really long time, it feels heaven sent.