Thursday, August 19, 2010

Reflections

I've been having a rough week.  I bring this on myself because instead of asking people for help or talking things out, I internalize them and try to figure out how to cope alone.  It's one of my major character flaws, in my opinion, but ironically also one of my strengths.  I'm independent and can live on my own and take care of myself.

But I'm learning that life is much much happier and enjoyable if I step back and realize that being SO independent isn't really necessary-or healthy.

I need to ask for help.  I need to tell someone when I'm starting to feel anxious about life or when I need reassurance or guidance or advice...or no advice but an open ear.  And I need to do this before I'm stressed and sick with worry or angry about this situation in question.

I've always been this way.  The main reason is that from a very young age, I felt like I had no one to turn to and that I had to fend for myself.  I've shared with you that my childhood-while not nearly as traumatic and horrible as many others had-was not ideal.  I grew up feeling alone in almost every situation and learned to love my solitude.  I lived inside a world that I created to distract myself from what was really going on.  I protected myself and trying to forget how to do that, even now, is hard.

Another thing I have to remind myself of is that my life today is nothing like the life I had 6 years ago, 10 years ago...or, for that matter, even 1 year ago.  The person that I share my life with is open and understanding and genuinely cares if I am upset.  He listens, discusses and comforts.  When it's something that we need to work on together regarding our relationship, we talk about that too and come to a resolution-or at least to a point where one of us can say we'll try harder to stop doing one thing or another.  And so, I have to remind myself that this man I am in love with is not at all like any of the men I have loved before and that a bump in the road does not mean he will love me less.  Or that he will find someone else.  Or leave.

That's a hard one...I'll admit.  And I try not to vocalize this fear because I don't want to seem needy or that I am not confident-but some days I just feel like I need him to tell me to stop being silly and that he loves me and that he won't leave me.  Perhaps this is because we're still new, even though it seems like we've known each other far longer than we have.  And perhaps it's because I love him so fiercely I worry that I will lose him.  But whatever the reason, I need to remind myself to shut my brain off when it starts thinking those thoughts and instead to focus on things we do to make each other know we love one another.

I guess it's always good to re-evaluate and remember, but I'd like to work on having to do these things less often.  Instead I'd like having these positive things more ingrained in my soul.

2 comments:

LceeL said...

Part of being part of something new, is learning the rules and how it works. And sometimes, being part of something new means learning to leave old things, old processes, old ways of thinking and being, behind. Because the old ways will conflict with the necessary and new ways.

You are not alone anymore. Now you have to learn to have enough confidence in, and respect for, this new relationship, to mentally walk away from the armor you built around yourself - part of which is that expectation that nothing will last - that you will be alone again - that he will leave because he's too good to be in your life.

Actually, he's good enough to be in your life - and you're good enough to keep him.

Travis Cody said...

With everything you've said about B1, I suspect that if you tell him these things exactly the way you have written them here, he'll get it. He'll understand.

I do know where you're coming from though. It's not always easy to convince yourself that the past isn't going to repeat.

So I say trust your relationship. Trust B1. Trust yourself. You'll be fine.