Wednesday, May 05, 2010

The Reminder of Fear

Tonight I had to look at myself in the mirror (literally) and say, "Don't fight this-it's worth taking the leap." Is that normal? Or is it just me who starts to feel a little uneasy when things are going so well? I think it's fairly normal to be cautious at first...but the weird thing is, I'm not being cautious. I'm saying what I feel and doing what makes me happy. Maybe that's why I'm feeling this way?

I need to clarify this feeling-it is in no way doubt...B1 is wonderful and awesome and caring and lovely. And I really want us to work and really want us to fall in love and live happily ever after. And I think that's the reason I'm uneasy.

Another major reason is probably because today of all days my shoulder and neck really went out of whack. Of all days...the first full day I am someones out loud, for real, very public girlfriend...I have a reminder of Jamie...loud and clear, stabbing me in the shoulder, telling me to protect myself because when you let people in, you get hurt. I get frustrated when the pain is too real to forget because though I think he has a very tortured soul, he essentially got to walk away unharmed and can move on without these reminders. And I am here, having to explain to a wonderful, wonderful man why I'm a little sad and have to hope that he doesn't think I have too much baggage to continue being my boyfriend.

He's so wonderful though, that he tells me it's OK and that if I need him just say the word...

B1...I need u.

**Update: Thursday, 10:23am...I am better. Special thanks to Trav (whose comments always make me take inventory of my feelings and to move past them) and to Lisa (who shared something she's not told anyone before.) I'm better...thank you.


Travis said...

I say change your attitude about the neck and shoulder pain. Don't remember why you have it. It's just an inconvenient pain you got from sleeping with your head at an odd angle.

It's natural to let the past encroach on the now. Those traumas don't go away...they are part of you. Be honest with your new fella and let him be there for you. And work at changing your approach to these "reminders".

To repeat...try not to let them be reminders.

Shutterbug8162 said...

Here's something I never, ever told anyone before...

Mark and I almost didn't happen. Why? Because I let that "doubt" take over. I had that voice in my head saying, "this is too good to be true, something must be wrong" and I listed to it like a big ol dummy. I even remember the conversation as I lay in bed next to him early on. I told him, that while he was a great guy, I just wasn't sure he was it for me. I can still see the hurt in his face. He was 100% committed to me, even that early, and he was ready to move on. After that things were hard for a few weeks. And I realized they were hard becuase I was an idiot. I found every little thing wrong and magnified them 1000% times to justify my fear of falling hard again. My fear of being let down after another long relationship. I remember the exact day it changed... it was a big cookout with all of his friends, family, neighbors. I had been dreading it for days, afraid he would be just like the Ex and treat me like a second class citizen, not talk to me, not introduce me to his people. I couldn't have been more wrong. Mark paraded me, he was proud to be with me, he never left my side. I knew that night, that he was different, that I loved him and that we would be together forever.

You will find that moment, if B1 is right for you. Don't look for it, let it happen. And in the mean time, enjoy every little moment of being someone's girlfriend.

I know the past hurts, I know you cannot ignore it. And while mine was not nearly as traumatic as yours, I still understand that sometimes you just cannot help what you feel and what you remember. But... you can help how you react to those moments. And I say... like Travis said above me...

change that! And you shall be free!!!

LceeL said...

They said it ever so much better than I could. You just need to be able to see yourself as others see you - as I see you. Were you able to, you would have all the confidence in the world - and the ghosts - the memories - would have no purchase with you.

Marilyn said...

I'm glad you have such great and wise friends...

these early weeks of being in love are scary for me because, no matter how wonderful the guy, the cloud nine thing doesn't last. That doesn't mean that the wonderfulness can't last in another form.

Vinny "Bond" Marini said...

Well, I am too late to give advice...BUT..LOL, that Trav guys is awful smart.

Believe me Mags, I was not one to think about marriage again. The bad taste of the first one was so thick in my mouth.

Now, I know it is different than what you have behind you, but that is the key phrase...BEHIND YOU

Now, again, as Travis said, you are made up of those BEHIND YOUS, and they made you who you are today...and guess what B1 likes you TODAY

There will come a time when you will need to tell him the fugly behind you stories...they have to be told as he will tell you of the pain he has suffered in the past...and those stories will turn to glue and help bind your relationship even stronger.

OK, I am not giving advice today LOL

Linda said...

All of those above me are some very, very wise people and I'm glad that what Travis and Lisa both told you got over that hurdle.

One other thing to remember when you're getting a little panicky about telling B1 the stories of your past is that is wasn't YOU who had the problem, it wasn't YOU who was abusing someone that he reportedly loved, it wasn't YOU causing the physical and emotional pain - YOU were the recipient and the victim and not at fault. That doesn't make you a bad person in any way, shape, or form. You loved someone and he hurt you and he left scars that can certainly be erased by the right person. If B1 is the right person, let him do that for you and let him ease your pain and your fear and your hurt.

You won't chase him off, I'm pretty darned sure of that!

Sometimes I think that allowing ourselves to be happy is one of the hardest things we ever do for ourselves but I know you can do it; I have faith in you! And I'm pretty sure that B1 does, too!