Monday, April 26, 2010

I Want You To Know

There are so many things I want to tell you. All at once so you know my stories by heart and so that I know you'll still want to sit next to me and hold my hand and that you'll still be as excited about me as I am about you. And I want to know your stories too, and I want to memorize them so that you are never hurt again.

I want you to know that I grew up feeling out of place and alone-that the true reason I am so independent is because I always had to take care of myself. I want you to know that the reason I don't like to break rules is because I don't like being yelled at and that I am a perfectionist because I never wanted anyone to see how broken I really was. Now, it's just a part of who I am.

I like to take care of people because I don't want them to ever feel as sad and lonely as I did. I grew up trying to keep my sisters blind and deaf and when I realized I couldn't do that, I moved. It's not the only reason, but I felt like I failed.

I thought I found a fairytale but realized it was all a lie. I sometimes forget that it happened; it was so long ago. I wish that someone tried to stop me. I'm not sure they would have succeeded, but it would have been nice if they tried.

I've been beaten, threatened, intimidated...and I lived my life in fear for 2 years. I go to the chiropractor because I was thrown down the stairs and pushed into a wall and to this day my body aches with that reminder. I am a proud survivor and when people look at me with pity in their eyes I no longer feel shame, I feel pride. I survived because I asked for help. And as you know, that's hard for me to do.

I no longer look over my shoulder when I walk down the street. The mag light that used to sleep under my pillow is now under the kitchen sink.

I love getting compliments but I am horrible at taking them. I'm getting better at this because I have finally realized that I am good enough and that though I have many, many scars-they've healed. I am strong. And I am amazing.

I thought that boys like you were already taken, or worse, didn't exist. I listen to music again, I giggle for no reason and smile to myself a thousand times a day. I fall asleep with a sigh and wake up knowing that today you will want to talk to me. It is not lame. It is sweet and I want you to know it means the world to me that I do not have to try to figure out where I stand because you tell me. You like me, like me. And I like that.

And your promise...I want you to know that no matter what happens between us, that promise is why I believe in God. Because I prayed for someone to come along who would say just those things to me.

And then you did.

11 comments:

Bond said...

Nice post and I went and looked at FB...Love seeing you happy

LceeL said...

I am SO glad you've found someone and you are happy. It is no less than what you deserve - that, and more. You're right - you ARE amazing.

Melisa with one S said...

Great post! So happy for you!

"Lois Grebowski" said...

my eyes are leaking, dear...

Ivanhoe said...

Someone's in love :)

Mags said...

Bond: Thank you. :) For more than the comment...you know why!!

Lou: Thank you Lou!!

Melisa: Thank you (I think this is a theme-I should have just said thank you to everyone!)

Lois: :) He made me happy cry last night.

Ivana: Not quite. But there is lots of potential and time for that.

SilverNeurotic said...

I wanted to cry when I read that, but I am glad that you've finally found someone that you can actually tell that too. :)

Marilyn said...

I'm all teary now... that was perfect.

Clancy Pants said...

My heart is singing for you!! You deserve every joy that comes your way, my friend.

Shutterbug8162 said...

Well written! May God continue to bless you with the joys you deserve.

Travis said...

Brava.