Thursday, April 22, 2010

And Then It Hit Me

You know what? My life is pretty sweet. And you know what? Even last year at my lowest point, it was pretty darned good too. I am amazed-absolutely amazed-at where I am in life. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined that I would have reinvented myself not once but twice...and that really, the reason I was able to do that was because of one thing:

I am brave.

People have been telling me this for a long time. They admire the fact that I up and moved to Florida without knowing anyone and then again when I moved here to Boston. For years I didn't see it that way. I saw it as running away.

I auditioned for Disney because I broke up with my boyfriend of 6 years and we went to the same small New England college. And while I moved to Boston for several reasons, one of them was to try to break away from a relationship that was very broken yet addicting. I thought I was a coward.

Then the other day I looked at my calendar. It's full. With lunch and dinner dates, plays that my friends produce, gallery openings and dinner parties. On Monday, I had 3 people call me to see if I could do something with them. People think that I am a nice, caring, creative and talented person who they can depend on. I know this because they tell me so.

I did this. I sat in my house in CT and told myself that too many bad things happened there. I told myself that things would not change with Greg and that the only way I could move past it was to create new memories and put distance between us. I had 2 friends in CT. Really, only 2 people I could call to do things with. Both of them were good friends to me-one of them still is-but the point is, I felt like I was missing out on something-like I had all of this stuff to give but no one to give it to. So I came here. I set up a home, I explored, I sought out new friendships. I went out on a limb, did things that I had never done before and was open to new experiences. I learned. I grew. And I became stronger.

And I realized, just tonight, for the first time that I did not run from anything. I ran to it...I created a new life.

This post was inspired by my old poems on the sidebar. I was glancing through a few of them and smiled at the fact that I was preparing myself for this moment...and suddenly everything came together....

Boccaccini's in my hand
and covered all in oil...
New beginnings on the verge
and soft, defrosting soil.
Ins and outs and ups and downs
and everything in between...
It's very close, I can feel it now,
I can wipe my own slate clean.
New beginnings clad in white
though not the white of dreams...
Instead the white I wear these days
is covered in butter creams.
117 days are left
in a school with pots and pans...
and when those days expire, friends,
I'll be free to travel the lands.
What will I do, where will I go
and who will wonder why?
It's up to me to find my path,
my only limit? The sky.*

*Original Poem entitled "Curd" posted on March 30, 2006.


Rocketstar said...

Good for you!

SilverNeurotic said...

I always believed that you can't run away from your problems, that they would just manifest into something different. Maybe it's true, but maybe starting somewhere new gives you the courage to then deal with the issue.

Marilyn said...

You are awesome.

"Lois Grebowski" said...

Isn't it wonderful when you finally see in yourself what others see in you? You go gurl... you *ARE* awesome and then some!

Thomas said...

On those cold depressing nights, I'm sure it was hard to believe that there would be better days, but kudos to you for sticking it out. You're now reaping the fruits of your labors and lovin every minute of it. :)

flipper said...


Bond said...

You do rock my friend and I am smiling broadly knowing you are realizing it!!!

Ivanhoe said...

I'm glad you finally figure that one out :) You rock!
Sending you a big smile and big hug from Ohio,

Travis said...

I'm so happy for you that you are finally focusing on the positive way to look at your life. It really does make a difference.

No matter how many times people tell you, it still takes that light bulb moment to truly buy into it yourself. I'm glad you finally had that moment.