Monday, February 22, 2010

Solitude

All my life, I've been plagued with a sadness that comes after a big event is over. The looking forward to part is always so fun for me and I get wrapped up in excitement and planning that once the event is done, I feel sad and wistful. I try not to fall into it, but it gets me every time.

This weekend was so fun but when I got home, I immediately felt sad and lonely. The apartment felt so empty without Rye Bread's laughter and even my Bella (who is in CT for the week getting fixed) wasn't at the door waiting for me. And then Rye Bread broke my heart by calling me crying THREE HOURS after I left because she didn't want me to leave and she misses me. Talk about a stab in the heart! I love living her, but it's times like that which make me question whether or not I should have stayed in CT. I know that this is where I belong and I have no regrets about moving, it's just hard to hear that she wishes she saw me more.

As you can imagine, having guests visit for the weekend is a double edged sword for me. While I absolutely love playing hostess and having company, I dread the saying goodbye. Being alone isn't lonely until you get a taste of not being alone. That's when you really notice how quiet your life is and how empty the surrounding are. That's when I start wondering if I'll ever have a family of my own or if I'll always be alone.* Yes, getting a taste of togetherness makes the solitary life a little harder to take, even if it just lasts a night, it's still a reminder.

I'm not feeling sorry for myself. I'm just feeling. I actually enjoy being independent and living alone doesn't bother me like it probably would bother a lot of people. But like I said, I've always been affected by the "coming down" and so being left with nothing but the sound of the ticking clock really makes me think. And as we all know, I sometimes think too much...

11 comments:

Melisa with one S said...

Who, YOU? Nah....
(haha)

katherine. said...

I know what you mean about the aftermath of a fun time and feeling the difference between alone and lonely.

I'm sorry Rye Bread is sad...but what a great relationship you two must have! I wish my kids had aunts or uncles who were close by and fun like you. Even my aunts and uncles are thousands of miles away.

Bond said...

I know this feeling from when I moved here and a friend or Matt came for a weekend and it was a whirlwind of activity and then - they are gone and I am walking into an empty apartment ...

It is so wonderful you have such a grand relationship with Rye Bread

You WILL have your own family dear...you have a new profile that will get you all sorts of men! LOL

LceeL said...

All I know is - If I was 30 years younger - and single - you wouldn't have to worry about being alone.

Linda said...

Don't you worry, you will have a family of your very own someday and when you do, they are going to be one very happy crew, that's for sure!

In the meantime, I understand the sadness of when things end, especially things like the really good time you had with Rye Bread this weekend.

The trick now is to have something else to look forward to so that you don't think too much about the fun that has already ended. Or at least that sounds about right to me!

Thomas said...

I feel for ya, kid. Try not to let the thoughts you're thinking get the best of you. Just because you think something, doesn't mean you have to give it any mind (pun definitely intended).

SilverNeurotic said...

I've found that it helps to have something "fun" in the horizon (even something smallish, like a trip to the bookstore) makes it easier to come off from the high of spending time with loved ones and then being alone.

Mags said...

Melisa-hard to believe, I know. :)

Katherine-I know that her missing me is a good sign for our relationship, but man did it break my heart!!

Bond: I do! I have gotten 2 "winks" since updating.

Lou: Thank you. :)

Linda: I usually do always have to plan something to get me over this hump, but sadly, money is really very tight and I've committed myself to saving money...and therefore, not doing much.

Thomas: I'm trying!!

Nikole: See my answer to Linda above. :)

"Lois Grebowski" said...

HUGS!!!! I wish I had an aunt like Rye Bread's wonderful aunt...

:-D)

Travis said...

Letting yourself feel is how you get past the sadness to remember the fun.

kat said...

Your niece is really lucky to have a wonderful aunt like you and I hope you are not too sad. Coming home to an empty place after such a wonderful weekend must be horrible. I hope you will have plenty of fun things to look forward to, to wipe away those sad clouds.