Thursday, February 25, 2010

An Enigma

Last night I was called an enigma.  I was also called cute and was told that a night out with me was felt like a million sparkly rainbows and stars*...all of this was told to me by a friend.  Yeah...I'M the enigma.  Right.

I had a really, really nice time.  Which makes it even more confusing.

One of the things that is always nice about going out to dinner with...let's call him...Sullivan.  So one of the nice things about dinner with Sullivan (Sulli for short) is the conversation.  It's always playful but deep.  There is a lot of self-reflecting when we talk and I often learn something about myself, or about him.  I admit, sometimes it's a little tiring, and beside the fact that I'm afraid of losing another friendship due to a failed relationship the other thing that is holding me back is that I kind of feeling analyzed when I'm with him.  As if he's watching every move I make to try to figure out what it means.

He's told me on more than one occasion that he can tell when I am holding something back.  Which is weird, because I've told him some pretty secret things and he knows all of my stories.  All of them.  So I'm not quite sure what he thinks I'm holding back...except maybe my heart.  I do protect that-even more now than ever.  So I guess just by typing this blog post I've figured out what he means.

Another thing that he mentioned is that he notices that I choose my words carefully, even in emails.  I kind of chuckled because "someone" told me that he was "always careful" what he said to me because he didn't want me to take it the wrong way.  I can go on a long tangent about that (like, actions speak louder than words, or perhaps he should have said something to tell me what I was to him ((apparently nothing)).) but I won't. :)  In any case, I never consciously picked my words carefully with Sullivan.  And we email a lot, so I don't really know what to do about that.  I don't really want to be the girl who's been hurt too much and therefore holds back with every man I ever meet.  Because, well, I've seen what that does to a person and it's not pretty.

So, in closing-I'm confusing and confused.  The end.

*A little lame, yes...but also endearing.


"Lois Grebowski" said...

you two will sort it all out. And the stars and rainbow thing is cute... that made me smile because those of who know you know it's true...

Hugs and love.

Bond said...

Interesting dynamics you two have...does he attract you from a physical standpoint? Could you imagine dating?

Don't hold back...or you could miss it all

Mags said...

Lois, I sure hope so! And thanks. :)

Bond: *sigh* My answer is sometimes. I've always had a little secret crush on him and though he was cute. What I don't know is if I'm holding back and protecting myself and therefore preventing the attraction from happening.