Monday, January 04, 2010


Today's the day-I pick up my NEW CAR in about 5 hours and I can not wait!!  I've got nowhere to go after I pick it up (except to the laundry mat!) but I'm sure I'll take the long way home just to drive it a bit.  I cleaned out my old car yesterday and wondered how the heck I managed to get all of that stuff in that little car.  It's not THAT little, but it's not really all that big either-and I had tons of crap in there.  Part of that was because in my old apartment I had very little storage space, so I used the trunk as a closet.  The other part was just laziness.  I'd bring something to a friends house and then leave it in the car by accident and then it just managed to stay in the back seat for ages.  Well, it's all out now and I am excited to be starting with a nice, fresh interior.  I will not be eating in this car unless I go on a long road trip.  Part of the reason my old car was so yucky was because we ate in it all of the time.  Soda and coffee have spilled and there were crumbs everywhere-even after I vacuumed it just never got clean enough.  And let's not even get started on the food that spilled on the seats and floor when I was in culinary school!

Well, that will not happen with this car.  I have vowed to not to eat or drink in the car unless it's water.  I'll try my best to keep that promise to myself because I'm going to try my best to keep this car for as long as I can.  This will also help me keep my promise to make my own coffee and to eat breakfast at my kitchen table instead of on the go.  So far, (day 1) I am doing great! :)

In other news, I am done looking back.  I have been coming to the slow realization that I never meant much to Greg and while if we were speaking he'd tell me otherwise, I know in my heart now that this is true.  He knew how I felt about him and he used that to his advantage.  He was ashamed of our relationship and hid me away like a leper.  He claimed we were nothing more than friends but looking back over the 4 years we spent together, I see it differently.  We spent extra time together, spoke frequently about very personal things, helped each other out during hard times, bought extra gifts for each other on holidays, spent extended weekends and used some vacation time together and most importantly, for 4 years we shared our bodies with each other.  But unfortunately the person I shared all of this with never saw it that way and I suppose that means that I wasted my life with someone who did not value me as a person.  And I can say this, because while we were together he tried dating other people.  Even after he saw how much it hurt me last year he did it again.  And actively slept with me while he did this.  And did this literally while I was with him.  And apparently his new girl is allowed to be known about and he is not ashamed of her.  And I am sick of wondering, number one, what kind of girl would date someone who was sleeping with another person while they were talking and number two why she is so much better than me that he threw away our apparent friendship for someone he barely knew at the time.  And I am sick of giving him any more of my heart and sick of loving him and sick of hating him and sick of being alone.  And I can not and will not find someone worthy of my love as long as I remain wistful and hopeful and therefore, that is why I am done looking back.  I am not important to him and it's time I got that through my heart.

In other news, I got through that entire paragraph without crying.  Which is a huge step.  And with that, I am done.

Over the last four days off I managed to paint the living room (which you saw) and also the trim.  It took a lot of work.  A lot.  This trim took 3 coats to cover for some reason and I unfortunately ran out of paint to finish completely.  I still have the top trim to paint and the 2 doors.  I'm not in a hurry to finish those though because the majority is done so I can relax a bit.  Perhaps over the long weekend for MLK day I'll finish that.  And then, I'm calling it done.

Done.  That seems like a good word for the day.


Linda said...

Lois has been posting about her watchword for the year which is "Optimism". Perhaps your watchword could be "Done" as in done with the old crap and only bringing in new good stuff. I'm sure it won't take you an entire year to be done so perhaps you could change your watchword in June to "Success"?

Just a thought ...

And congrats on being done, it's a big step in the right direction!

Shutterbug8162 said...

Though I don't know your entire story, each detail you share reminds me more and more of my time with my Ex as well. Though I had no proof, just circumstantial evidence, gut instinct and stuff, I do believe he did the same to me. I can relate to being the embarassment, wether it was my weight or something else. I will never know, he never admits to it. But I am glad you are in a better place, and just look at me for inspiration. You're knight will come! Mine did!

Enjoy the car, you so deserve it. Mine is a closet, sadly so is my truck. But the stuff accumulated in the truck belongs more to Hubby these days. We have a bad habit of buying at auctions and never getting around to emptying the truck until the next auction. Lazy... maybe now that the house is tackled, I should attack the vehicles. Which is not a bad idea since I have to get the carseat bases in each. Motivation! :P

Tom Bailey said...

New car days are VERY exciting. There is something great as you stated about the new car smell. New car smells for a man might be like a rose smell for a woman? lol.

I hope that everything else goes as well as you want it to. It sounds like you are creating alot of positive energy in your projects... that always allows for new things to happen for me.

Kindest regards,
Tom Bailey

Bond said...

Mags...wonderful news on the car

even better news on closing the door to the past and looking forward to a new clean year...sort of like brand new sheets on the bed...all fresh after a good washing...crisp and cool to the touch, but warming in their comfort

much luck for your 2010 deserve nothing more

Lois Grebowski said...

Mag, I'm so proud of you and finally getting there... You have much to offer and deserve so much more. Congrats nad hugs on making that step.


Enjoy the new car smell and better reliability. New wheels are exciting... Always fun!

Hugs, my dear... big hugs...

Kat said...

How exciting. I hope you get to enjoy your new feels wonderful to sit in a new clean vehicle and enjoy the new car smell.

Leaving the past behind is never easy but I am glad that you're getting there. Some people have no qualms to use other people to their advantage but I always take comfort in the fact that they will pay for it at some point in time. You just gotta be patient.

LceeL said...

Alone? Since when? I don't think you're alone. Not as long as I'm out here. And done? Yes. Be done. And look forward, not back. But not alone. No. Never alone.

SilverNeurotic said...

Enjoy your new car. I've had mine for a year now and I've made a mess of it. I have to clean it-thanks for reminding me.

Mags said...

Linda:That is a wonderful idea. I think I will do that. :)

Lisa: Thank you for your stories too. They have helped and you are an inspiration.

Tom: Thank you for visiting & for your kind words.

Bond: Thank you!!

Lois: Thanks for the hugs. You give the best hugs too. And it's nice to know you're proud of me.

Kat: I like to think that he'll learn a lesson or get his back, but I'm not so sure. In any case, I won't be around to see it, so all I can do it pray he'll one day say sorry and mean it.

LceeL: Thank you!

Nikole: It's SO pretty inside!!! You should clean your up for sure. You'll feel so good!

Carrie said...

I am extremely proud of you and happy for you. Here's to a bigger and brighter life, eh? *HUGS*

TopChamp said...

Well done! Real life is hard - but you've accomplished so much over the last few years and it's great to see how you're getting on.

Plus: Your living room looks loads better. I have a living room that is a lot like the 'before' pic. I am now inspired to re-decorate. I will add it to the list.

jo said...

Not sure if you watch Gordon ramsay shows...but around here we get great pleasure in loudly proclaiming "DONE" when anything is completed.
Dishwasher emptied...DONE
spaghetti and meatballs DONE
dating asshat for 4 years...DONE!

Good on you...and congrats on the new wheels. I'll never forget the feeling of picking up my truck when it was new and finally mine. Total thrill. Enjoy it.

Travis said...

Bad stuff or sad stuff is going to don't have all that much control over it. But you do have all the power over your attitude and how you face adversity and challenge.

I'm so glad to see you learning that, and stepping up to take your life back. You should be proud of yourself for that.

Good on ya!

CrAzY Working Mom said...

I am so excited for you! Here's to new cars, new beginnings and not looking back! I'm so proud of you, sweet girl!!! Take care of ARE #1 and don't ever forget it. :)