Saturday, November 14, 2009

It's Not Mine Anymore

It's been a very long, long day. I woke up early and drove over to pick up a table and chairs that I bought on craigslist. It was POURING. I could fit all but one chair in my car, so the guy followed me in his suv and dropped the chair off for me. I thought that was extra nice of him to do on a cold, rainy Saturday morning. After I got the extra chair in my current apartment I drove over to my new apartment. I had an appointment to get my cable, phone and internet hooked up and while I waited I put up some blinds, curtains and cleaned the bathroom. It started to feel a little homier after I did that, but it was such a dreary, rainy day-it felt like night time all day-I couldn't wrap my head around the fact that tomorrow night I'll be sleeping there. I really hope I settle in.

I came home and started to pack, but was so tired I had to take a nap. Unfortunately I got 2 phone calls, which prevented me from actually resting. When I got up, I was so overwhelmed by the task ahead of me that I couldn't do anything. It was weird. I did finally get motivated and went crazy packing up. As I write this, all of the big items are packed and ready to go. I still have to paint the wall in the kitchen and take down a couple of pictures, but those things I can do after the movers have all of my things in my new place. I have to come back here to clean anyway, so I don't have to go crazy getting every little thing all set by tomorrow. Which is good. Because as I type this, my eyes are droopy and I can hardly stay awake.

The movers come at 8am. Here's hoping it all goes well.

PS. I hurt everywhere. I need a massage.

Friday, November 13, 2009

Grilled Cheese Can Save Your Life

Not really. But comfort food is a wonderful thing and tonight I am pairing my love for grilled cheese with my love for my Boston friends. This month's supper club is "Grilled Cheese"!

A few weeks ago I was doing the low carb thing pretty hardcore. That's stopped until I settle into the new place but during that time I was really craving the crispy, buttery, gooey loveliness that is a grilled cheese, but could not indulge because well, it had bread. So I decided that the theme of this month's supper club would be different grilled cheeses.

The idea is that everyone is bringing different cheeses, "toppings" (like bacon) and breads and we'll have ourselves a very yummy grilled cheese bar. We'll grill them off as we make them and we'll all get whatever we want. The assortment of cheeses and breads being brought are really exciting and I can't wait to eat them.

My contribution was supposed to be squash soup. Every time I've made it, people want to lick the bowl clean, and it would have been a great combination with our dinners but I just can't do that right now. I move in two days and while my kitchen isn't all packed, the important things are. And I have no time. Tues-Thurs I work doubles and when I get home I'm zonked. So instead, I'm bringing a dessert grilled cheese. It includes mascarpone cheese, dulce de leche and cinnamon raisin bread. I might try to get just cinnamon bread from a local bakery today because I loathe raisins, but we'll see.

Although I should be coming right home tonight to pack, I am in great need of hugs from friends and the laughter they fill my soul with. And also, I really love grilled cheese. In fact, it would probably be my last meal if I had to choose...

Thursday, November 12, 2009

When You Have A Bad Day

I'm not having a good day today...I broke down for no reason on my lunch break and am very angry.  I've got to let this go because clearly I am not ever going to get actual closure and I'm always going to the one who was left behind and not good enough.

I have to work on not caring and realizing that he is the one that is not good enough for me.  That's what they tell me anyway...
Sorry to be redundant.  This moving business is really getting to me, I think.

Wednesday, November 11, 2009


Do you want to know a secret? I really hate painting. I love the idea of it and certainly I love the results, but the actual act of painting really sucks donkey balls. I hate the mess, the splatters and mostly, the clean up. I almost never keep a paintbrush and never keep rollers because they are never quite the same after first use. It seems like such a waste, but I just can't be bothered.

The blue wall in my living room is gone. I'm super psyched to report that Walmart's "Country White" paint ($10) is an exact match to the walls in my current apartment. I seriously debated letting them charge me to repaint, but being lazy would have cost me a great deal of money, and I can't afford to waste any right now. I'm still in the juggling money stage, even though I have a job now. It'll take me a few months of no emergencies or surprises to get back on my feet again.

I still have to repaint the wall in my kitchen. That one is just plain white and the trim is white as well, so it won't be such a hard job. It's also 1/2 the size of the wall I just did. I think that one is going to have to wait until tonight after cooking.

I'm running into space issues. All of the boxes are taking up too much room and I can barely walk in the apartment. There is still so much more to pack. Ugh. I'm just so happy that I get 3 men in a truck on Sunday who'll pick up all of these heavy boxes and then bring them into the new place for me.

I can paint my new place. Did I mention that before? I think I did. I don't think I'm going to paint right off the bat. I'm going to settle in and get a feel for what I want it to look like. I'm pretty sure I am going to paint that dark molding so it matches in the entire apartment. It'll also clean it up a bit and make it fresher. But boy, am I not looking forward to actually, I really hate painting...


I have today off!! Working at a university really, really rocks. :) I completely forgot about snow days-I get paid snow days!!

Sadly, it's not going to be a very relaxing day. I have to pack the rest of my apartment and paint the walls. Moving day is fast approaching. (Sunday)

I received a call from a therapist who works just down the street from the school. I see him next Friday. I wish it were sooner, but I'm grateful to have gotten in at all. He sounds nice.

Friends and family are the greatest. The funniest thing a friend said to me regarding him: He's a dick with ears. That visual is priceless and it makes me laugh.

The other funny thing came from my littlest sister. She saw what she *thought* was MY Facebook status which said something like "I am numb" so she wrote: "Did something happen? Text if you want to talk. I love you." Later, she realized that she did not post that on my wall, but instead, on a random boys wall!! She doesn't even know him!

The other day my chiropractor squeezed the skin between my thumb and index finger and said, "Ahh...eating some hard to digest food, are we?" Then he pushed on my stomach a few times, pinched the skin again and said, "That's better". I had sushi for lunch, so I don't know what he was talking about, but I can tell you that I had to go to the bathroom when I got home. Too much info, maybe, but it's still kinda cool.

"'re gay?!" got lots of laughs yesterday. I am pretty funny sometimes.

Registration for next semester is ending next week so all of my dean's students are calling to be advised. They're so cute. And also, brilliant. It's amazing to listen (he doesn't shut his door).

The other day I was walking through the campus center getting some lunch when I was suddenly hit with the fact that I was probably the dumbest person in the place! Some of the conversations I overheard were unreal. How did these kids get so smart?

I still need a bed frame, a dinette set for my kitchen (2 seater) and a dining room table and chairs. Eventually I'd also like a futon for my small guest room/office but that will wait. I've been scanning Craigslist like mad hoping to score a great deal. So far, nothing.

I don't want to hate him. I don't want my good memories to leave me, but I'm having trouble trusting the feeling I had that he cared about me and that I was important to him. Because, know what he did. Was everything a lie? Was I really just there until someone better came along?

I also really want my friend back. (And then my brain says, "Was he ever really your true friend if he did this to you?")

You know those colon cleanses? I wish there was one for your heart.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

A Courting We Will Go...

It's like my neighborhood is wooing me. This whole weekend I've had no trouble finding parking spaces-even tonight when I got home from work, I had a spot waiting for me right out front. When I needed to bring boxes up to my apartment, I scored the best spot, right outside the door.

People have been super nice-strangers have said hello, my chiropractor (who, by the way, I love now that I haven't seen him in so long) had been charming and has made me feel SO much better and I got a free salad yesterday because the register went down and I waited for about 5 minutes.

On the way home I walked behind a girl who smelled so good that I could have followed her forever...except she stopped before the liquor store, so I didn't.

I got the last bottle of my favorite wine and the man who rang me out was so nice and made jokes and even helped me put the wine in my bag.

While I was walking home, the wind was blowing softly, people were laughing in the distance and the hum of the T swished past me just as I was about to enter my building. I turned and looked around at the rows of brownstones that line my street and I thanked God for helping me live here for the 2 years that I did.

Yes, this neighborhood feels like my home and it seems like it'll miss me too. Maybe someday I'll come back to live here, but for now, it's time to find my way in a new town, in a new apartment with new experiences. I'll always love this place, but I have a good feeling that this is a new chapter in my life.

Monday, November 09, 2009

Broken Wings

Today I made the decision that I am going to talk to a therapist. My company provides me with 3 free visits and I'll start there. I made the call today and am waiting to hear back from them as to who I'll be talking to. I made the decision after a long sleepless night tossing and turning and thinking about how I got here and why I stayed so long.

I am disgusted with myself with the amount of time that I have wasted on men who stay with me only until someone better comes along. I somehow always find the men who seem wonderful on the surface-long enough for me to fall in love with them-and then they reveal their broken wings. And somehow, over the course of the years I spend with them, they get better, change their lives and leave me wondering how the hell I got the hell they all have someone and I'm stuck trying to heal the gaping wound they've left in my heart. It's a pattern that I can't afford to keep having and I am not going to sit idly by waiting for the next guy to come in and break my heart.

A few of you have mentioned that I should be OK with being on my own. I talk a lot about love and dating and yes, I admit, I do want to find my soul mate and share my life with them. And yes, I would be deeply, deeply sad if I found myself to be 60 and alone. But I am independant (sometimes to a fault) and do enjoy who I am as a person. I have more friends now than I ever did in my life and have a job that I think I'm really going to love. But I miss having a connection to someone-sharing secrets and cuddling and knowing that someone is there to hold my hand, literally and figurativly. I won't lie and say that if I never find a man to share my life with I would be OK. But the truth is, I know I would be OK...but I don't want to settle for just OK. I want true love and I'm going to find a way to heal whatever is broken in me so that I no longer attract men who are broken themselves.

My time is coming. And when it does, nothing and no one can stop me...I'm on my way.

A New Day

Today is a new day...both full of hope and without it. I'm going to try to let the full part win.

Sunday, November 08, 2009

You Know What Sucks?

You know what sucks? Realizing that you really meant nothing. And that someone could just walk right in and wipe you away.

You know what sucks? Investing time in someone who clearly didn't care.

You know what sucks? Giving someone your trust only to have it backfire.

You know what sucks? Thinking that there might still be something there and that a friendship can continue, only to realize that you are kidding yourself.

You know what sucks? Waking up at 5am to go to the bathroom to find someone on the computer and thinking it's probably just insomnia, only to realize weeks later that it was probably an email to her.

You know what sucks? Knowing that he didn't respect you enough to stop fucking you before he tried dating someone else.

You know what sucks? Knowing that she probably doesn't even know about me and if she does, she probably laughs about it.

You know what sucks? Being asked to help make his place nicer so that he could bring another girl home without her thinking he was not an adult.

You know what sucks? Knowing that he had sex with me on the same night he was thinking about ending things with me.

You know what sucks? Wondering if she gets to sleep on the special pillow he bought just for me and if he told her that it was just for her.

You know what sucks? Knowing that he was ashamed of you and that is why you were such a secret and why he never introduced you to people. And that he is not ashamed of her.

You know what sucks? That he gets to move on and you get to sit here and write angry posts because he's too selfish to have walked away last year when you tried to end things.

You know what sucks? Caring, even after all of this-even after you are left broken, without an explanation or an apology because he doesn't think he ever did anything wrong.


Good Sunday morning to you! I hope that wherever you are the sun is shining as brilliantly as it is here in Boston this morning. It looks like a beautiful day is ahead of us, just as a Sunday should be...

Packing continues and it seems that I will be living in chaos for the next week. (I can't believe I only have a week left in this place!) I find myself bargaining with myself over what I can pack and what I'll need. I only have tonight & tomorrow night where I have to cook dinner, so after that my pans and entire kitchen will be packed. Most of my clothes are packed and all of my linens except for the sheets on my bed and my towels for the bathroom. I'll be living lean...Disgustingly, I still have a lot to pack but thankfully I was able to score a boat load of boxes on Friday night from a couple in Cambridge who just moved into a beautiful house.

My Bella is getting really big. I secretly wish she were a runt so that she wouldn't get any larger, but I know from experience that when you have a kitten who grows into an adult cat, you love them so fiercely no matter what their size.

I have Wednesday off for Veteran's Day so that will help me with the final push and the final coats of paint. I got a little teary eyed last night when I was packing up. I found a few reminders of him and this move is really going to make everything in my life new. (Well, not my car-but I'm hoping that'll be new soon.) I know change is good and this will hopefully help me move on, but it was just sad at the time. I'll also miss this space very much. But my space has great potential and when I went there on Friday night at 8pm, I just pulled into the driveway and into the house...I didn't have to circle for hours. That alone will help me love the place even more.