Saturday, September 26, 2009

My New Favorite Wine

I have a confession to make: last week on my date I fell in love. I'm not certain if it was just because I felt liberated, pretty and alive, but I really love the wine I had that night. It's a full bodied wine, but not overwhelming-sort of in between a Cabernet and a Merlot. It's just really easy to drink and best of all, it's not very expensive. I found it at my local wine shop for about $11 a bottle (the restaurant sold it for $9 a glass!).


I love that it's described as an "inky" dark color. It just adds to the romance of it for me. Geeky, I know. This specific brand is made by a family who produces a higher priced wine-but I'm told that this is a very good alternative.

You Would Not Believe Your Eyes...



I'd like to make myself believe
That planet Earth turns slowly
It's hard to say that I'd rather stay awake when I'm asleep
'Cause everything is never as it seems

'Cause I get a thousand hugs
From ten thousand lightning bugs
As they try to teach me how to dance
A foxtrot above my head,
A sock hop beneath my bed,
A disco ball is just hanging by a thread (thread, thread)

Friday, September 25, 2009

Say It For Goodness Sake...(LATSOF)

For more participants & the story, please visit my friend Tisha.


I don't play often, only because I forget to look at the sky and take a picture but this morning I got up to go to the bathroom and noticed the sun pouring through my window. When I went over to look at my city, this is what I saw:


With a start like this, I know ...it's gonna be a great day!

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Gavin DeGraw

I know I wasn't his best friend. The truth is though, he was my best friend and more than his kisses, hugs and our physical relationship, I miss talking to him, laughing with him and just having him on my side. Though I am still angry about how all of this transpired and wish that he would have ended things before talking to someone else, I know that my life is going to be better in the long run because I am releasing my heart from his grips. I know that I will find someone who can and wants to love me back.

But I hear a song and I see his silly dance or the look on his face when he sings it. I do something crazy and look forward to his amusement when I tell him the story-only to be let down because just as quickly, I realize that I won't ever get to tell him. I think about moving in a couple of months and get sad because he will not know where to find me. But I know he isn't going to try to find me and then I get even more sad. The sadness will end, but the hole in my life where my best friend once stood will remain long after another man is in my life.

I'm definitely feeling better (though still sad) about the fact that he'll never love me but as you can see, I still miss my friend. How long until it stops hurting to think about him?

Pumpkin Spice, Without The Carbs/Calories...Nice!


Earlier today I was really, really craving a Pumpkin Spice Late from Starbucks. I just went back to return the new pair of jeans I bought though and exchanged them for an even smaller size...so I resisted the urge and told myself I'd use it as a reward some other time. When I got home I checked the nutrition information-and boy am I glad I skipped it!

I haven't mentioned that I am doing the low carb thing. While not 100% cutting out carbs, I am severely limiting the amount I am eating until I reach a healthier weight. I have another 50 pounds to go before I switch to counting calories instead but for now, I am really watching what kind of carbs are going in. (I'm also eating chicken, fish and veggies...not all bacon and red meat, don't worry!) Anyway, while a PSL doesn't have any fat (if you choose a nonfat) a grande has 260 calories and 50 carbs!! That's more than 2 times the amount I'm supposed to have in one day. Yowzers.

So, I decided to try to make my own version. Of course mine is not nearly as sweet and it has actual spices floating in it-but the flavor is really quite fall like. I did not have any canned pumpkin in the house otherwise I would have added a teaspoon blended into the cream. That, I think, would have really made this perfect for me. Though I used half and half (because of the carbs) you could easily use nonfat, 1% or 2% milk-even soy (I'd use vanilla soy) milk would be good. I'm not really good at making coffee for a ton of people, so you'll have to convert the recipe but here is what I did:

2 heaping T. Coffee Grounds
Water (Filled to the 4-6 cup line)
1/4 t. Nutmeg
1/8 t. Ginger
1/2 t. Cinnamon
1/8 t. Allspice

Stir together and brew coffee as normal. Meanwhile mix:

2 T. Creamer of choice
1/4 t. Vanilla
1/2 t. Cinnamon
1/8 t. Nutmeg
1/8 t. Ginger
1/8 t. Allspice
1/2 t. Splenda

Whip together with a fork or whisk and pour into coffee. It's pretty good-if you can get past the spices floating...and I easily can. Yum!

My version (with the 1/2 & 1/2) has about 56 Calories, 3 G. Fat, 3.4 Carbs.

Points 2 Get Past

I wasn't kidding when I said I've been reading some books on breakups and love. I find myself alternating between them every other hour or so. Luckily I stopped reading one (remember the one that told me to look at his picture and say goodnight? Crazy talk.) and finished another one (It's Called a Breakup b/c It's Broken-that one helped me make the decision to stop communication for a while.) I'm about to return some of them to the library and thought I'd put a few of them in writing so that I can look back at the points I thought were important.

Feel free to skip this post from here down-unless you have a broken heart. Then you should read this for sure.

From: "It's Called a Breakup Because It's Broken"

*We become attached to what's familiar and sometimes we hold on to things that are safe and predictable even if they're bad for us.

*As much as it sucks, you need to force yourself to remember your very worst times together, his most irritating habits, and the hard truth that not only can he live without you but he'd rather.

*...Just because he clearly had a foot out the door for a while and showed no respect for your feelings or the relationship you shared, why wouldn't you want to reopen and prosecute that case? Oh, maybe because the only thing you'll get from doing that is another dose of rejection with a side order of hurt feelings and anger.

From: "If I'm So Wonderful Why Am I Still Single?"

*...she deliberately avoids bringing up the subject of the future of her relationship, because she is afraid that if Robbie feels pressured, he will leave sooner. Robbie and Andrea have tacitly agreed to a system in which Andrea has no way to talk about her problem with the relationship. She's in a "double bind.": if she doesn't bring up her problem, it remains. If she does bring it up, it may get worse.

*At some level, you believe you don't deserve to be loved and that this half-hearted love is the best you can do.

*Recognize that mate shopping is not necessarily fun. Establish a master plan. Go for volume. Use the 2-hour date. Screen for "relationship-style-preference" first.

*A BTN (better than nothing) is a "nice" relationship with the wrong person. It's a relationship that drags on and on, even though it is only partially satisfying.

*Self-esteem ultimately comes from within. But it must be reinforced by positive messages from the environment and can be destroyed without them.

*We feel safer staying in a known situation, however troubled, than venturing into an unknown situation, however freeing it might be.

*When we feel a deep longing for more intimacy or more commitment or closer sex with a partner, we think that is love. It isn't love. It's pain, pain caused by some deficiency in the relationship. But that longing makes us feel attached and makes us think we are in love.

From: "How To Fall Out Of Love" (I just started this, so there's not much to write.)

*Love is so precious (real love, false love or any kind of love) that we fear to let go, afraid of the great void that comes in the aftermath, the loneliness, the feelings of rejection and the anguish.

*Falling in love is not a rational process.

*Thought stopping. Say STOP and then think of one of the happy thoughts you wrote down instead. Do not allow that person to invade your thoughts anymore.

From: "How To Heal A Broken Heart in 30 Days" (Also just started reading)

*If you believe you can end an important romantic relationship by immediately becoming "just friends," our first piece of advice is to forget this idea.

*Another "hit" will only maintain your addiction. Stay away while you heal.

*When will you heal? It will begin when you're able to pass more than an hour, ideally a full day, with no thoughts of your recent loss.

*I'm relieved. Yet I'm devastated.

*...you must always remember that you are whole and complete, a perfect person, destine to be just as you are.

*But your ability to open yourself to a loving innocence can be recovered.

*By being willing to risk your safety for love, you showed yourself to be a creature of courage.
*Anyone who doesn't have the good sense to recognize what you have to offer doesn't deserve your time.

*If you're willing to stop for a moment, take a deep breath, and look at the signals you got over time, and accept the possibility that it really was time to say goodbye, you can begin to heal.

*When it feels like all that you are is not enough for the other person, you're not being appreciated for your own unique goodness.

*...had times with your ex when you'd wake up in the middle of the night and feel so alone, and not know what to do about it?

Sorry for the long post of points...they're just things that have helped me so far, and I wanted to be sure I didn't lose them when the books are brought back to the library.

Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Randomivity


I've been a friend with benefits and am now looking forward to the fact that I am a (and have a) friend with potential.

Rollercoasters are only good in amusement parks.

Having to listen to a crazy loon talk about strollers all day is painful. Very, very painful.

The mall I work in has an Abercrombe store. Do all of them waft disgusting cologne with automatic spritzers? This mall smells so powerfully like the cologne (even 5 floors down in the basement where we park) that every morning I gag a little when I walk in. How does the mall allow that?

I am 6 pounds away from a milestone weight that I have not reached in about 10 years. I am borderline a 2nd size down. (One pair of jeans that I just bought are 2 sizes smaller than I usually wear and yesterday I felt like they were too big. That is good, but stinks b/c they are brand new and I actually love them!)

Ironically, they are called "boyfriend jeans".

Boy #2 is making plans for date #1.

Boy #1 is making plans for date #2.

Boy #3 is really not my type but the books said that's OK.

I am going to the Big E on Saturday with a group of people. I haven't been in 2 or 3 years so I'm pretty excited. The diet will be put on hold for sure that day.

I got an offer in the mail to upgrade my phone early. I hate my phone. I got it in purple just because I was feeling colorful the day I ordered and now I hate it whenever I see it. So I got the phone I wanted in black. It's not a blackberry like I wanted, but I'm not going to pay for the extra email package so that is OK. I'm excited to get it Friday.

The new books are great. I can already see progress from the fall out of love book. I think I will finish that one tonight.

This made my day today:

Credit: Linda's amazingly talented daughter Amanda.


This month's supper club is Friday night and I'm very excited. I love those people. I am making Breakup Brownies. If they come out good, I'll share the recipe this weekend.

I have to go take a shower. Working cramps my style. LOL

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Weathered

The ups and downs of this moving on shit is really getting to me. I know that I can't have too many up days-at least not yet, but when I see myself feeling better I become proud of myself but then it seems the next day has almost always been a bad one. This will end, I know. I just wish that it was leveling out a little more than it is.

Maybe it has to do with the fact that I'm extra tired from my date last night and the weather is grey. I worked all morning too and though we were busy and it kept me distracted, it made me even more tired.

I thinking I mentioned that I ordered 2 more books about getting over someone you love and a step by step workbook kind of thing for moving on. They came today (but I have to go pick them up) so I'm looking forward to diving into them tonight. I'm not sure which one I should read first-but I think it'll be the getting over someone you love. That's what's really holding me back. Loving someone who doesn't love you back is hard enough-but when they aren't in your life anymore, it's torture. Especially when you miss them like crazy.

In other news I have an interview scheduled for next week at a local university. I'm crossing my fingers that it'll pan out. Now that the cafe isn't going to happen I really, really need to get my butt into a full time job. This sitting around and waiting just isn't doing it anymore!

Anyway-one more hour until I leave to go cook...I think I'll maybe take a nap. *shrug*

Monday, September 21, 2009

The Rule of 3

I think I mentioned before that I've been reading a few books about relationships, lost love, dating and moving on. One of them is quite lame as all it does is repeat itself over and over. It gets quite mundane. Most of what they say is asinine too-one suggestion to get over the person you love is to keep their picture by your bed and to say goodnight to them every night. That statement will earn this post the Um...OK label. I didn't even do that when I thought we were a couple, let alone now that he's moved on! How would that help? Needless to say, I stopped reading at that point.

All of the other books I've been reading have been quite helpful. They've made me realize that I am not alone-many other women have had similar relationships to the one I did and that is very reassuring. Mainly because it makes me realize that I was not just reading into things-there were mixed messages sent..."go away, come closer" was a major one. Several of the chapters talked about specific feelings I had during our time together...thoughts about feeling insecure, feeling lonely even though we were together, wondering how passion could exist and caring was present but romantic love was not...like I said, it was very affirming and helped me realize I was not crazy.

In all of these books a major suggestion is that I should date around. Even though I'm not ready for a relationship yet, I should be getting out there, meeting new men and basically practicing my dating skills. One book goes as far to suggest that I should be seeing at least 3 men at the same time. I personally think that's nuts, but it says that all of these men should know I'm dating and none of these men should be men I want to spend the rest of my life with. I'm still skeptical but so far I've followed every rule and have felt way better than I did before. So I followed the advice. I re-joined a bunch of dating sites and started to initiate contact.

Tonight was my first date. I didn't talk to this guy on the phone before we met which is not normal for me, but because I'm not supposed to be really trying to fall in love, I thought as long as we were going to a public place, he didn't know my last name and I was taking the T (he also didn't have my phone number) I would be OK. So we planned to meet for drinks after he got off of work.

I got there early because for some reason it only took 10 minutes to get there on the T. I got a glass of wine, found 2 comfy seats in the corner and waited. He showed up on time, was dressed nice but not too nice and was actually pretty cute. And charmingly enough, he was nervous. (But not in a stupid way.) He's very funny and has an impressive education, an adult job and a young attitude. Conversation was great and he asked if I'd like to go for dinner. So we walked across the street and enjoyed some Italian food and more conversation.

I have to admit, it was very liberating. Because I went into the situation not caring if I found the man of my dreams I was completely myself. I wasn't nervous and I have to admit, I was pretty charming myself. :) Because I had nothing to lose, I ended up having a really great time! It was a fun night and a good boost to my ego (he kept getting the "emergency" phone calls but kept saying "I'm not calling you back for a reason!"). He asked if he could see me again and I said yes.

Now, I'm not naive enough to think that I'm ready to actively date or to jump into having a boyfriend. (Though I guess technically I can say I haven't had a boyfriend in a very long time.) But once again, the books were right. I feel alive and free and for the first time in a while, hopeful. This week I'll be receiving 2 more books-one specifically about how to fall out of love with someone-and I'm hoping that these steps will help me even more.

Oh, and there are 2 other boys who want to take me out. :) That'll qualify as 3.

Sunday, September 20, 2009

What Are We? Gabage?


I thought today would be a hard day for me for reasons I can't disclose. It's nothing crazy, just a secret I promised to keep about 4 years ago. That being said, I thought that remembering today would make me sad so I made sure to plan lots of activities for the day ahead of time. First on the agenda was volunteering at my neighborhood street fair. It's an annual event where they close a few blocks worth of streets and vendors mostly give stuff away for free, but some sell things. I found singles volunteer group and thought it'd be a good way to meet other people who are out there in the dating world. The email we got from the leader of the group told us that we'd be helping to set up the children's play area and perhaps running things back and forth for a band.

Cool. I could do that! I was looking forward to maybe meeting another single girl friend-since I don't really have any more of those left. These events tend to be low on datable boys (mostly weird, freakish ones usually) so I just went to meet friends.

I got there right on time (instead of 10 minutes early, like requested) because I needed to pick up breakfast and there was a huge line. As I approached the group I'm not gonna lie-I almost turned around and became a no show. But knowing that I made the commitment, I sucked it up and signed in. Indeed, there was a weird group of people-4 college girls who clearly were there for sorority credit, 2 skinny men who looked fairly normal, 1 old guy who kept giving me the eye, a beautiful Asian girl who clearly didn't speak English and a man with some sort of problem-I think it was Tourette's. Later, I'm happy to say that another girl showed up and we ended up hanging together the entire day. We have plans next week to get together. She too, has no single girl friends and so we might end up being each others get out into the world friend.

So the day was a success. Except-oh yeah...I forgot to tell you. We weren't setting up the play area and running for the band. We were picking up TRASH!

WTF? We were all clearly pissed. The girls who were from the trash company weren't too thrilled that we had no desire to do this job, but we explained what happened and she understood. It actually ended up being not so bad. We just set up the trash cans, the recycling cans and walked around with trash picker thingy's and two bags. We worked the beginning of the fair, so the trash wasn't nearly as bad as it will be for the group working the rest of the day. But really-trash? Nice...

The coolest part aside from meeting a new friend was that because it was in my neighborhood I recognized many people-and was recognized by them too. Also, I bumped into 3 people who knew me by name and who I consider friends. It's so nice for me to be in a place where I have friends who actively participate in life. It's actually just really nice to have friends...it's a whole different world than CT and a whole different lifestyle too. I walked away from the fair feeling really good and secretly, a little cool. :) I didn't meet the man of my dreams, but that's really OK. I'm not really ready for that anyway.

In a couple of hours I'm heading to dinner and drinks with a friend. I worked with him at the old job and he's one of my supper club buddies. Through email the other day I mentioned that I had a really horrible week and he asked if I'd like to go for dinner to vent. He's a really great listener, so I'm happy that he suggested it. The only thing is, it's the first time we'll be hanging out alone. And he's...not weird, but...weird. He's the kind of friend that you usually want to be around other people with. Not because he's creepy, just because I guess he's hard to read. But the readings I get from him are the kind that make me feel like he's got a little crush on me. Which has always been flattering-but that's because we're never alone. He knows all about my life though and knows where I am today so I doubt there'll be any talk about this, but still-I'm a tiny bit nervous. I'm sure it'll be fine. I'll have a drink and a little sushi and the night will be great.

Right?