Friday, September 18, 2009

The First Cut Is The Deepest

I have a cut on my arm from a chain link fence. It's not very deep, but deep enough to have made it bleed for a few minutes. It's about and inch and a half long and looks pretty ugly.

Earlier today I tried taking nap. My head was spinning due to my lack of sleep and I just felt very run down and beaten. I felt like I could take a 100 hour nap but when I laid down I couldn't close my eyes. I just stared up at the ceiling for an hour. My mind was blank. It felt like I never even blinked. When the alarm went off I rolled over to silence it and realized I had no reason at all to get out of bed. Not one. No one was around and wouldn't be for days. I haven't been very hungry lately so I didn't have to eat & I have no immediate purpose. No one needs me. It felt like I had truly reached the point where I just had no reason to live my life. At no point did I think of ending my life. I just didn't feel like I had a reason to get up.

But I did. I know that when I get this sad the only way to get past it is to force myself to do things. I call friends, IM them, blog, take walks and go for drinks. It's just the only way I know how to bounce back-to trick my brain into thinking it's happy until it truly is. I decided that today my steps would be literal and I would take a walk.

The streets were busy, which is only natural on a pretty fall-like day in Boston. People were bustling around making phone calls to friends, planning their evenings and weekends. They weren't paying attention to me, which was nice. Until one man bumped into me and knocked me into the chain link fence. It wasn't a violet act and he immediately said he was sorry. But the angle was just right and the cut appeared.

I covered the laceration with my hand, embarrassed to be dripping blood while walking down the busy sidewalk. When I got into the restaurant I asked for a napkin and wiped my arm and went on my way. It stung, the cut and it was still bleeding but I didn't cover it up this time. I just kept walking in my own little world.

And then I got home.

I set my food down in the entryway and walked into the bathroom. I ran hot water, soaped up my hands and washed the cut. I carefully patted it dry with a clean towel, applied Neosporin and covered the cut with a bandage.

Without even thinking about it, I took care of myself.

It wasn't a life threatening cut and probably would not get infected if I didn't wash it. But even when I felt like I had no reason to get up and participate in the world I did something to make myself better. Without even thinking. And it proved to me that I am a survivor.

It was a small cut. But it's step in the right direction...

Not Gonna Lie

I'm not gonna lie: I am devastated. Last night I went to be knowing that I was going to buy a cafe within the week. I talked to my dad about it and we made the decision. This morning, that dream was gone. And not only is it gone, it's got to be put on hold for a year. But I am not holding my breath. I have to set my mind back a month before my father offered to do this so that I can live again knowing it's just a dream instead of something that is really going to happen.

I am not giving up. Someday I will own a cafe. I just thought that someday would be next week.

I had a wonderful day with Lois today. She's so wonderful and warm and caring and she just made me feel so much better. She lifted my spirits quite a bit and I am trying my best to keep her loving energy in my heart tonight. It's people like her who make this world a wonderful place. I am very lucky to have met her.

I am throwing myself a pity party tonight. All of my friends are busy and since I have to be alone I ordered pizza (not on my diet) and am going to get either wine or beer. I also ordered an individual sized dessert and will spend the night in my pajamas. I don't like this feeling. Not one bit.

Busy Day! (Thank God)

This morning I am running around the city where the cafe is. I have to talk to the health inspector, the building inspector and hopefully the fire chief. Then I have to go over to the cafe and pick up some paperwork that I requested *and* try to negotiate the seller down by $5K. It shouldn't be a deal breaker (at least I hope not) but I need that $5K to open. If he can't accept that then I can't buy the place. Seems a shame for only $5K. Anyone know a small time investor who wants to invest in a cafe? :)

I woke up to an email from my father saying that while in NY my mom talked to an uncle of mine who told her that cafes are failing. Last night when my father told her that we were going ahead with the sale my mom said that she is now against loaning me the money. Therefore, I have no cafe and nothing good going on in my life right now. It was what was keeping me sane, keeping my life together. Apparently next year will be the year that we can try, he said.

I won't hold my breath.

After those errands I get to play with Lois! I'm delivering her the 5 lemon cakes that she's giving away on her blog. I am super excited to see her pretty face today-she's got a way about her that just makes people smile. It'll be a good day.

Cross your fingers for me today-this could be the day that makes or breaks the cafe deal...and I really, really want this one.

Today I am most grateful for friends who have been there for me over the last couple of days. I've needed to be talked down from a couple of ledges (symbolic ones-not real ones!) and I'm not sure I could be this strong without them. I am still missing a very large part of my heart and am missing a dear friend, but I'm hoping that once the healing is done our paths will cross again and we can be friends once more.

Thank you to everyone who has made me feel so loved over these last few days...

Thursday, September 17, 2009

A New Day

Today is a new and busy day. I have just about a bazillion phone calls to make regarding the cafe. The seller is hot to trot (I love that phrase!) and calls me everyday-sometimes more than once. I understand he is anxious but at the same time, I will not be rushed. I am going to go through the steps needed to be sure that I'm not getting in over my head. Everything seems to be in order as of right now, but I just need to be sure. That being said-holy shiznit, I might own a cafe soon!

I also have to make a few calls regarding my internet. About a month ago I canceled my cable and internet package with Comcast and ordered Verizon wireless internet. I was leery about using Verizon for anything but my cell phone because every time I call they are clueless and rude. But when I called to ask a question about internet the sales person was pushy and made me feel like everything would be OK.'s not OK. It doesn't work and I'm fed up. The package with my modem was lost in the mail and I had to fight to get another one sent...just a string of crap. So I'm calling to cancel it. My father was gracious enough to keep my cable for me (really, I'm not sure how we're so lucky to have such a giving father) and I just added internet back on too. The good news is that b/c I canceled and started again I got a new reduced rate. Which is weird because I've asked them to do that for me for years and they refused. Oh well...

In addition to those chores I am also baking today. I have 5 lemon cakes to bake for tomorrow's delivery to Lois for her birthday giveaway! I'm so excited to deliver them to her and can't wait to hear how her readers like the cakes. It's one of my favorites so I think they'll like it a lot. Here's hoping!

I'm doing a whole apartment cleaning too. I'll be organizing closets, getting rid of clothes I don't wear or want, cleaning floors-you name it, I'll be doing it. I just feel like I need a fresh, clean start. Plus I'll be moving in a couple of months so I might as well get a jump on things.

I'm also going to try to find a place to cut my hair. I've been driving to CT to get my hair cut because my hairdresser rocks and has been cutting my hair for years. But I'm not planning on being in CT for a little while and my hair really needs a lift. My layers have grown out and well, it's just time. I love the feeling of a fresh haircut and how good my hair looks when they style it for me. I think today I need to feel that fresh haircut feeling.

Lots of new starts coming up. I'm excited, scared, sad...but looking to the future with renewed hope and gratitude. It's a new day. Make the most of what you have...

(In other news: I woke up with "Barbie Girl" in my head. What's up with that? C'mon Barbie let's go party!)

Wednesday, September 16, 2009


"Wait-did you just say cheese?!"

It's nice to find out that your cousins are actually cool and that they want to become part of the cousin circle.

Red Sox games on a bright sunny day with great seats, great people and a doesn't get much better than that.

Both times we went to Fenway we walked home because of the crowds. I am shocked and amazed at the fact that in the 40 minutes it took to walk home only 1 train passed us. Why do they not put more trains on during Sox games?

Why does the "S" in FDS (feminine deodorant spray) stand for "Sensual"? I'm pretty sure the fact that a woman had to use it makes sensual not an option. Am I wrong?

I'm reading a few self-help kind of books at the moment and while most of what they are telling me rings true there are a few things that just don't fit. It therefore makes it hard for me to follow the rules. So far I've not broken any, but it's going to be hard.

Here's a funny excerpt from one of the books:

Jack turns with a surprised look on his face.

Jack: Oh...hey Cathy. You took me by surprise.

Cathy: Really? Sorry. You shouldn't be surprised that this is still one of my favorite places too.

Jack: No, I guess you're right. I just didn't think you'd still come here after we split up.

Cathy: I guess I could say the same thing about you. I mean, after all, the are our memories, they are our moments...

Jack: Yeah, but this is my shower.

Funny stuff.

Fall in moving in on Boston. It's a wonderful time to live here & I plan on living life to the fullest this season. Or, at least trying.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Toosdae ?'s

1. What was the very first pet you ever had? How long did you have them? (She's not my first but really, why would I not post her sweet face again?!)

2. Do you have any desire to have an exotic or non-traditional pet? If so, what would you like?

3. Do you have any fun/weird animal stories? If so, please share one. :)

1. I don't remember which came first but when I was in nursery school I had 2 parakeets, 1 golden retriever (named Christopher Robin), fish and African frogs.

2. I don't really aspire to own a weird pet, though if I had the energy, time, space and money I would like to have farm animals. Mainly cows. I love cows.

3. I once rode an elephant in a gas station in NY. And a goat at my name tag off of my shirt at the Catskill Game Farm.

Monday, September 14, 2009

Cafe, Take 2 (Or...10?)

It's possible (really, really possible) that I might own this cute little piece of heaven in a month or so.

Yeah, I know. It's cute. :)

The Loon

I work with a loon. She an older lady who seems very nice but also very eccentric. She talks non-stop about nothing and has ideas that don't make sense. Also, she's a horrible trainer.

This morning I went into work at my part time job thinking I'd be working with one person and realized that instead I was working with the loon. She started out by telling me that the manager I met last week is basically a fool and that she's a nice person but really kind of dumb. Um...OK. Thanks for that piece of info. She then took me through the entire store showing me how much she cleaned up. Thanks for THAT. Later in the day she asked me to check an inventory list and copy it into Word. But THEN she told me that I wasn't putting all of the inventory on the new sheet. But then...oh, never mind. She just wasn't making sense and at one point I just said, "You're not explaining this very well."

I probably should have been more pc about it-but she just doesn't shut up. Later I had to create a spreadsheet for her, which was pointless because we already had the same info on a typed list. *sigh*

The last thing we did before I left was rearrange 2 displays. I'm not sure we are allowed to do this. Thankfully I managed persuade the loon to NOT turn all of the toy boxes on their sides (and therefore covering up all of the pretty pictures that help sell them). The shelves were full and she kept bringing more out for me to stock. I finally had to tell her to stop and that she either needed to tell me what was being taken OFF the shelves or stop bringing me things. Her answer was basically that I should move everything from one side to the other and that it would all fit. I must have looked at her like she had 2 heads because she paused and said, "What!?!" Again I had to be blunt with her-I said something like, "Moving something from one side to the other doesn't create more space. You're not making sense." She listened. Thank God.

I work with her again tomorrow. God help me!

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Because It's Broken

Two things are very clear:

1. I should not listen to sad songs
2. My heart is more broken than I thought it was

Ironically (or not so ironically) I found myself making my own CD earlier today. It seems to have gone from sad to pissed to "I'll be OK". I guess this isn't so strange because there are distinct moments in my days where I feel all of these emotions. When I think of something I want to tell him or if I feel like I'm missing his hugs I get sad. Or when I think about how I might not be able to get past this hurt I get pissed because my best friend was ripped away from me without my say. And I think of the deception and how it's not perceived as such on the other end I get pissed. So pissed that all of these years meant nothing and that I was so easily wiped away...and then I look in the mirror and tell myself I am better than this and that I deserve to be loved and that I am good enough and that someone, some day will love me back as much as I love them...that's when I start feeling better and feeling like I'll make it out of this OK. Better than OK.

But then the play list ends and starts at the beginning and I'm back to sad. These are the times when I'd like a fast forward button to get past the pain, complete the healing and to see if I still have a friend.

Get Over It, Get On With It

Goodbye My Lover-James Blunt
"I am a dreamer and when I wake, you can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be."

Always On Your Side-Sheryl Crow
"Cause you were waiting to be picked to play the game, but when your name was called, you found a place to hide, when you knew that I was always on your side."

I Understand-Heidi Happy
"I understand you don't want me. And I'm not gonna fight, no."

I Can't Love You Anymore-Gary Nichols
How do I brake it to my heart, that it's gotta get over you...cause I don't love you any less
but I can't love you anymore."

Are You Happy Now?-Michelle Branch
You took all there was to take, and left me with an empty plate"

Somebody More Like You-Nickle Creek
You came out of nowhere, made me smile, then tore me in two saying, "We're very different people" So dear, I hope you find somebody more like you."

Dreaming With A Broken Heart-John Mayer
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, The waking up is the hardest part"

Time For Me To Fly-REO Speedwagon
"You got me stealin your love away cause you never give it. Peeling the years away and we cant relive it."

Circle-Colbie Caillat
"I know if I move ahead time is on my side. I'm free from the circle, there'll be no regrets this time."

Be OK-Ingrid Michaelson
"I just want to know today, know today, know today, Know that maybe I will be OK."

World Spins Madly On-The Weepies
"I thought of you and where you'd gone, And the world spins madly on."

"Get off from the floor
I, I just can't take anymore. Leavin it all behind. Cuz yesterday's gone "

Over It-Katharine McPhee
"For wanting you to be wanting me-that ain't no way to be."

I'm Good-Blaque
"I'm good with or without you."

Don't Bother-Shakira
And don't bother, I'll be fine, But she's waiting..."

Better In Time-Leona Lewis
"Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to, It'll all get better in time."

All Will Be Well-Gabe Dixon Band
"All will be well, even after all the promises you've broken to yourself. All will be well, you can ask me how but only time will tell..."

Sweet 16

My favorite little cousin turned 16 a couple of days ago and last night we drove down to NY for her big sweet 16 bash. One of the things they did was a candle lighting ceremony where she said a little speech about people who were important to her and then we came up to light the candle. One of them was for all of her cousins-there are a lot of us but these were the ones that were there...
She had a slide show too with old pictures of her growing up. I got one picture just to myself of her and I when she was little. She was my favorite little cousin and I was her favorite big cousin. :)

This was the group that was there. We all got to sit at the same table together, which was nice. We had a really great time together and are planning a reunion of sorts next month up here in Boston. I'm pretty excited about it.

Trying Again

Friday night my sister, her boyfriend and I went to a Red Sox game but it was rained out. So today we're going back to try it again. Hopefully these clouds will clear and we'll have a bright sunny game.

Have a great Sunday everyone!