Thursday, August 06, 2009

The Wheels On The Bus

Every now and then memories get stored away and, when recalled in present day, they seem unreal. “Did that really happen or did I make it up?” But upon further inspection these funny remembrances become vivid again and are impossible to pass off as dreams…

Painting a rainbow on the wall with my Mother in our NY apartment. It’s the wall on the right when you walk in.

Going door to door trying to sell my old used toys and my Mother’s beat up purses. I was in nursery school…

Riding an elephant for the first time. At a gas station…

Shutting off the Christmas tree on Main Street USA at the Magic Kingdom just before Spectro Magic began…

Riding in a bus with a dead body in the back. In Florida. Without air conditioning…

It is this last one that I remembered tonight as I sat outside a funeral home watching the attendants pull the hearse into the garage. And, for just a moment, I had to recheck my mental files in order to recognize this memory as real. Because after all, who rides in a bus with a dead body in the back? In Florida. Without air conditioning?

Apparently me. And my fiancés family.

I was newly engaged to my now ex-husband when his father passed away from lung cancer. Though we had been dating for almost two years, I did not know his family very well. Though I don’t believe in funerals and do not like dead people, out of respect and obligation I knew that I had to attend the wake and funeral.

I was not looking forward to it.

I arrived at the funeral parlor (does anyone else think it’s weird that we call both the place we lay out the dead and the place we get our hair cut “parlors”?) alone and thankfully found our friends. Also thankfully they chose seats toward the back of the room-away from the casket, which was open. At the very moment the wake was about to start, I had a sudden and urgent need to use the bathroom.

Now, let me tell you, I’m not a fan of using the bathrooms in these places. Especially when no one else is in there. It’s creepy and weird and I always feel like I am not alone. And we all know that I am not. Who’s watching me? Are they going to play a trick on me? Steal the toilet paper? Flush a toilet or block the door?

No thank you. I’ll hold it.

And I did. I managed to (very uncomfortably) “hold it” until the end of the viewing hours when family and friends of Gerry were slowly meandering to the lobby and also, to the bathroom. Of course I jumped at the chance to relieve myself with company of this world. But what does this have to do with me, a bus and a dead guy? And no AC-in FL? It was in that bathroom I learned of our means of transportation to the burial site the next day. And I burst out laughing. Right there. In the stall. With company of this world.

Luckily the others shrugged it off as nerves and out we went. (No tricks or stolen toilet paper.)

The next morning we solemnly arrived at the funeral parlor and were greeted by a big silver and blue bus. But it wasn’t a regular bus-it looked more like a camper than a school bus and had rounded edges. Inside, the seats did not line up in rows facing front; instead there were benches along the sides with a whole lot of empty space (and nothing to hold onto) in the middle. There was a bathroom and behind that, a dead body.

I don’t think I need to tell you that I did not use that bathroom. Even though the ride to the military cemetery was over an hour and I had 2 cups of coffee prior to boarding the bus. (Just as I was about to give up on my “no bathroom & dead body combo” rule the door that held the casket in place slammed open. God was good to me that day. He didn’t let me enter the bathroom.)

About ten minutes into our trip the bus driver pulled over and told us to roll our windows down. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to Florida but this isn’t something you want to do. Especially when wearing nylons, a skirt and a suit jacket and especially when it’s a muggy, rainy day. But we did what we were told and hoped for the best. About 10 minutes later (and I suspect several sweat spots too) we realized that the once cold air conditioner was no longer working.

Future family members started stripping off layers of dress clothing. Jackets came off, shirts unbuttoned and ties lay on the floor. But I-I remained fully clothed. Not out of some weird principle or fashion sense, but because I had nothing on under my jacket. Except for a black lacy bra I was intending to use as a “cheer up and forget today” gift later on.

Not something you want to show your future in-laws, especially when 2 of them are sleazy men you’d already started to hate.

The only thing worse than the ride there was knowing that after standing in the rain for the funeral we would have to ride back. Tired, emotionally drained and wet. Without AC. In FL. With only a sexy bra underneath your clothing. The only plus was that the dead body would no longer be on board.

Clearly I survived the ordeal and went on to marry the man who made me ride in a bus with a dead guy. And I’m not saying this is what did us in but I’m a girl who likes her AC. Especially in FL. On a bus. With a dead body…

Wednesday, August 05, 2009


It's hard to take a guy on a motorcycle seriously when he's got streamers on his handlebars.

The older girl is just like The Dad and I'm starting to not like her very much.

It was apparent to me that the employees at Forever21 don't like the idea of carrying plus size clothing. This was confirmed when I was at the check out counter buying a dress from the plus size collection and the cashier said that "They get offended when we say 'fat'." OK...why would you (a) Say that anyway (b) Tell this to a woman buying a dress from the 'fat' section. Sometimes people are so stupid and shallow.

Fruit flies suck ass. And are hard to get rid of.

Yesterday I literally must have applied to 40 jobs. I bet I won't even get 10 calls.

I get to go see Paula Deen when she comes to Boston at the end of the month! Very cool birthday present from a very cool guy.

I was thrown into a bad memory involving a closet and a hammer (and someone who used it to hurt me) this weekend. I had to leave the room to catch my breath and to remind myself that the person in the current closet would never hurt me like that ever and that I trust this person. It helped.

I love being told that someone enjoys an activity that involves the two of us. I can tell this is the case without the words, but I like it when it's vocalized.

I hate that the laundry room in my building do not have a change machine. It's really quite inconvenient and it prevents me from doing laundry on a more regular basis.

At the beach yesterday a married couple were using metal detectors. Right next to people's blankets. At one point they actually scooped sand onto a girls feet! They didn't even care that people were giving them dirty looks. I can't believe no one said anything.

Family reunion the weekend...not sure how I feel about this as it's the family we don't really talk to. AND it involves my Aunt who came on vacation with us who I wrote out of my life and said I'd never see her again. I'll just have to stay away from her I guess.

I do get to see my cousin that I grew up with. We were really close and grew apart (only due to not keeping in touch).

Who knew that the Wii could affect someone's sex life? :)

Tuesday, August 04, 2009

Toosdae ?'s

I didn't think of any questions last night for today's questions and thought I would not get to it. However, I am on hold with the people at the unemployment office (they expect for 27 minutes) and thought I'd use the time to put up a post. So here you go! Answer away.

1. Would you rather have so much money that you would never have to worry about money again or be immortal?

2. To what degree do you feel government should be allowed to monitor its citizens phone calls without court approval (as much as it wants, not at all, by court order only, or somewhere in between)?

3. If you could "un-know" one thing, what would it be?

1. I would take the money for sure. I'd hate to watch everyone I love die...and then watch the next set die...and again and would just be really sucky.

2. By court order only.

3. I would want to forget about being lied to. When I learn that someone I trust(ed) lied to me I feel so sad and alone. Then it is hard to get back to the spot you were before you knew about the lie.