Wednesday, June 17, 2009

Pleasant Interruption

Sorry for the break in blogging...this is part of what I did today. :)


Tuesday, June 16, 2009

Toosdae ?'s

Yay, it's Toosdae! I'm excited for this day for more than just these questions, but I'll need a distraction to get me through the day-so please keep me amused by answering this week's questions. :)

1. What mesmerizes you?

2. Regarding a good friend: Would you rather be given a specially chosen gift (that shows they really know you) or a quiet (or rowdy) night spent together talking and laughing?

3. You wake up and it's a gloomy, rainy day. Is your mood affected by it or do you generally have the same mood no matter what the weather?


1. The first time my niece Rye Bread slept over I couldn't sleep so I watch her dream. It sounds weird but just looking at this sweet little girl breath was amazing. I think I only slept about an hour. In everyday life bright blue skies with fluffy white clouds and the sound of waves on a beach tend to mesmerize me.

2. Though it does make me smile when someone randomly thinks of me and gives me a present, I'd take time together over material objects any day of the week. Nothing beats spending time with the people you care about.

3. Generally I welcome an occasional rainy day (as long as it's not on a day I have something planned outside) but recently we've seen more rain than I can remember in a while. It seems like the end of May and all of June has been rainy so far and being that I don't go to work daily, rain prevents me from walking outside and going to the beach. So yes, it's affected my mood lately and I'm really ready for some sun.

Monday, June 15, 2009

Disassociation

It's been way too long for me to still be having bad dreams or thoughts about Jamie. In my daily life, in an awake state, I don't feel fear when I walk outside or even when I'm shopping in the mall near where he lives. (Though I do still look around to make sure I don't run into him.) I know that it's over and done with and that I did everything I could do to get away from him. I know that there was little I could do with the situation I was in other than what I did.

I also know that it was traumatic and that I still feel embarrassed that I let it happen, even though if it happened to someone I love, I'd tell them it wasn't their fault. I suppose we're always harder on ourselves than we are on others.

For years now I've been having bad dreams which involve Jamie in some way or another. Not all of them involve the physical harm he caused me-in fact, most of them don't even touch on that, other than hinting that I am afraid of him. Most of the dreams involve me finding out that I am still with him or that he's still living with me. I go through the dream normally until I find that out and then I usually cry or feel hopeless-and this is usually how I wake up feeling. Sad and alone. The feeling passes when I realize it was just a dream, but some days it's harder to shake than others.

Other dreams involve him making me feel stupid-something he was very, very good at. These dreams are sometimes the ones in which physical abuse is involved, mainly because in these dreams I try to stand up for myself only to feel the wrath of his fist on my face or back or the grab of his very strong hand on my arms. I wake up, on these days, angry and defiant which is not the way I'd like to start my day. If the dream happens in the middle of the night, I am sometimes afraid to get up to go to the bathroom in the first few minutes after I am awake.

These feelings have to go away. Rationally I know that I am overall a good person and that it's not my fault that he's an abusive con artist. But deep down, I guess I'm still holding on, and I don't know why. The only thing I can think of is that I didn't get any real closure. Though I technically did "win" because he was ordered to leave my home, was not legally allowed to come within a certain distance of me, and was sentenced to one or two years probation-he got away with it. He got away with breaking into my house and wrecking things. He got away with stealing my jewelry (even after admitting he had my things last year to a police officer). He is free to do this again to someone else.

So I don't know how to proceed. I don't want this asshole to continue to have a hold on me, even all these years later. I don't want to give him any more power or time than he's already taken. I've done talk therapy years ago but found it to be not helpful; they always told me things I already knew. I've talked about my story here, discussed it with friends and family, written letters that are never to be sent-and still, he shows up in places without being invited. I don't know what else to do.

I know several people who have been hypnotized for several different reasons and all have had positive results. Granted, these are for habits they'd like to reverse, but they all stopped whatever they were trying to stop. I'm wondering how effective hypnosis for disassociation is. I wondering how long it takes and how much it costs-surely my state health insurance doesn't cover it. I'm wondering if this would finally be the key that allowed me to release whatever it is I'm holding onto so that I can, one and for all, get that scum bag out of my thoughts and therefore out of my life forever.

I'll be looking into that.