Sunday, September 13, 2009

Because It's Broken

Two things are very clear:

1. I should not listen to sad songs
2. My heart is more broken than I thought it was

Ironically (or not so ironically) I found myself making my own CD earlier today. It seems to have gone from sad to pissed to "I'll be OK". I guess this isn't so strange because there are distinct moments in my days where I feel all of these emotions. When I think of something I want to tell him or if I feel like I'm missing his hugs I get sad. Or when I think about how I might not be able to get past this hurt I get pissed because my best friend was ripped away from me without my say. And I think of the deception and how it's not perceived as such on the other end I get pissed. So pissed that all of these years meant nothing and that I was so easily wiped away...and then I look in the mirror and tell myself I am better than this and that I deserve to be loved and that I am good enough and that someone, some day will love me back as much as I love them...that's when I start feeling better and feeling like I'll make it out of this OK. Better than OK.

But then the play list ends and starts at the beginning and I'm back to sad. These are the times when I'd like a fast forward button to get past the pain, complete the healing and to see if I still have a friend.

Get Over It, Get On With It

Goodbye My Lover-James Blunt
"I am a dreamer and when I wake, you can't break my spirit - it's my dreams you take.
And as you move on, remember me, remember us and all we used to be."

Always On Your Side-Sheryl Crow
"Cause you were waiting to be picked to play the game, but when your name was called, you found a place to hide, when you knew that I was always on your side."

I Understand-Heidi Happy
"I understand you don't want me. And I'm not gonna fight, no."

I Can't Love You Anymore-Gary Nichols
How do I brake it to my heart, that it's gotta get over you...cause I don't love you any less
but I can't love you anymore."

Are You Happy Now?-Michelle Branch
You took all there was to take, and left me with an empty plate"

Somebody More Like You-Nickle Creek
You came out of nowhere, made me smile, then tore me in two saying, "We're very different people" So dear, I hope you find somebody more like you."

Dreaming With A Broken Heart-John Mayer
"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, The waking up is the hardest part"

Time For Me To Fly-REO Speedwagon
"You got me stealin your love away cause you never give it. Peeling the years away and we cant relive it."

Circle-Colbie Caillat
"I know if I move ahead time is on my side. I'm free from the circle, there'll be no regrets this time."

Be OK-Ingrid Michaelson
"I just want to know today, know today, know today, Know that maybe I will be OK."

World Spins Madly On-The Weepies
"I thought of you and where you'd gone, And the world spins madly on."

"Get off from the floor
I, I just can't take anymore. Leavin it all behind. Cuz yesterday's gone "

Over It-Katharine McPhee
"For wanting you to be wanting me-that ain't no way to be."

I'm Good-Blaque
"I'm good with or without you."

Don't Bother-Shakira
And don't bother, I'll be fine, But she's waiting..."

Better In Time-Leona Lewis
"Even though I really love you, I'm gonna smile cause I deserve to, It'll all get better in time."

All Will Be Well-Gabe Dixon Band
"All will be well, even after all the promises you've broken to yourself. All will be well, you can ask me how but only time will tell..."


Linda said...

Ah music, it speaks so much to what's going on in our lives and how we feel. Sometimes makes you wonder how the songwriter/musician managed to climb into your head and your heart and pull out exactly what you were feeling, doesn't it?

Stay strong, Mags, this isn't going to be a quick or easy battle but it's one that you can win if you give yourself the time to do so. You DO deserve so much better and the right guy will find you when you aren't looking.

Lois Grebowski said...

It's called grief and you are going to "get there" with it.

Have faith. Sending you many hugs and lots of love.

Travis said...

There's no schedule. Just give yourself time.