Friday, September 18, 2009

The First Cut Is The Deepest

I have a cut on my arm from a chain link fence. It's not very deep, but deep enough to have made it bleed for a few minutes. It's about and inch and a half long and looks pretty ugly.

Earlier today I tried taking nap. My head was spinning due to my lack of sleep and I just felt very run down and beaten. I felt like I could take a 100 hour nap but when I laid down I couldn't close my eyes. I just stared up at the ceiling for an hour. My mind was blank. It felt like I never even blinked. When the alarm went off I rolled over to silence it and realized I had no reason at all to get out of bed. Not one. No one was around and wouldn't be for days. I haven't been very hungry lately so I didn't have to eat & I have no immediate purpose. No one needs me. It felt like I had truly reached the point where I just had no reason to live my life. At no point did I think of ending my life. I just didn't feel like I had a reason to get up.

But I did. I know that when I get this sad the only way to get past it is to force myself to do things. I call friends, IM them, blog, take walks and go for drinks. It's just the only way I know how to bounce back-to trick my brain into thinking it's happy until it truly is. I decided that today my steps would be literal and I would take a walk.

The streets were busy, which is only natural on a pretty fall-like day in Boston. People were bustling around making phone calls to friends, planning their evenings and weekends. They weren't paying attention to me, which was nice. Until one man bumped into me and knocked me into the chain link fence. It wasn't a violet act and he immediately said he was sorry. But the angle was just right and the cut appeared.

I covered the laceration with my hand, embarrassed to be dripping blood while walking down the busy sidewalk. When I got into the restaurant I asked for a napkin and wiped my arm and went on my way. It stung, the cut and it was still bleeding but I didn't cover it up this time. I just kept walking in my own little world.

And then I got home.

I set my food down in the entryway and walked into the bathroom. I ran hot water, soaped up my hands and washed the cut. I carefully patted it dry with a clean towel, applied Neosporin and covered the cut with a bandage.

Without even thinking about it, I took care of myself.

It wasn't a life threatening cut and probably would not get infected if I didn't wash it. But even when I felt like I had no reason to get up and participate in the world I did something to make myself better. Without even thinking. And it proved to me that I am a survivor.

It was a small cut. But it's step in the right direction...


Melisa with one S said...

I'm sorry you got cut, but I liked this post alot. I really wish I could do something to help you get out of this rut! Grab those moments of positivity when you can: eventually they HAVE to come more and more frequently!

Linda said...

Aw, Mags ... this post is sad yet positive at the same time as it does prove that you're a survivor and that you'll take care of yourself - even when you think you have no reason to.

Hang in there!

Lois Grebowski said...

You are more powerful than you give yourself credit for....

Glad the step is forward, my friend.

Travis said...

There you go.