This is a hard post for me to write for many reasons. The first being that I wish I didn't have to write it at all-that the outcome was different and this post would be something completely different. The second being that the other person involved not only reads my blog on a regular basis but also is someone I want to have in my life for a very long time. That being said, I feel like I need a release and writing is the easiest way for me to do that.
For the past few years I have been in love with a man who is not in love with me.
I don't know where else to go with that line, except to say that I am genuinely perplexed as to why the feelings he does have for me have not equaled love. I suppose that is what kept me hanging on to hope all of these years. We've been unofficially together on and off (mostly on) since we first started dating and I always somehow thought that if I was patient he'd recognize that he felt romantic love for me.
I know, I'm an idiot. But my heart always overrode my brain. Of course he doesn't love me-it doesn't take this long to fall in love. I just didn't want to admit it because I wanted to be near him and to spend time with him no matter the cost. I'm sad to say that if I could rewind time, I would probably skip the part where I said I didn't want to do this anymore, because I miss having that extra connection to him already
I'm going to miss our lazy weekends and talking in bed. I'm going to miss his kisses and the random surprise times he'd catch my hand and pull me toward him. And I'm going to miss the ease we have with each other when we spend a lot of time together-the way we don't have to entertain each other anymore, we can just do our own thing and be ok with it.
Most of all, I'm going to miss the hope I had that someday he'd love me.
I know that this was the right decision for me. I know that I deserve to be loved back and that there is a man out there (somewhere) who will want to receive my love as well. I want to have at lease one child with that someone and would like to one day get married again. I want a partner who I can share my life with. And that means I have to stop loving this man, somehow…
I don't know what the future holds-if I did, I would certainly not be writing this. What I do know is that life marches on, no matter what. (Indirect advice from one friend to another friend.) And that I am still happy to have met him and am grateful for the friendship that we still share. He's going to be a part of my life. I just have to re-adjust the spot I put him in my heart.
And so the march begins...