Thursday, May 01, 2008

The March

This is a hard post for me to write for many reasons. The first being that I wish I didn't have to write it at all-that the outcome was different and this post would be something completely different. The second being that the other person involved not only reads my blog on a regular basis but also is someone I want to have in my life for a very long time. That being said, I feel like I need a release and writing is the easiest way for me to do that.

For the past few years I have been in love with a man who is not in love with me.

I don't know where else to go with that line, except to say that I am genuinely perplexed as to why the feelings he does have for me have not equaled love. I suppose that is what kept me hanging on to hope all of these years. We've been unofficially together on and off (mostly on) since we first started dating and I always somehow thought that if I was patient he'd recognize that he felt romantic love for me.

I know, I'm an idiot. But my heart always overrode my brain. Of course he doesn't love me-it doesn't take this long to fall in love. I just didn't want to admit it because I wanted to be near him and to spend time with him no matter the cost. I'm sad to say that if I could rewind time, I would probably skip the part where I said I didn't want to do this anymore, because I miss having that extra connection to him already

I'm going to miss our lazy weekends and talking in bed. I'm going to miss his kisses and the random surprise times he'd catch my hand and pull me toward him. And I'm going to miss the ease we have with each other when we spend a lot of time together-the way we don't have to entertain each other anymore, we can just do our own thing and be ok with it.

Most of all, I'm going to miss the hope I had that someday he'd love me.

I know that this was the right decision for me. I know that I deserve to be loved back and that there is a man out there (somewhere) who will want to receive my love as well. I want to have at lease one child with that someone and would like to one day get married again. I want a partner who I can share my life with. And that means I have to stop loving this man, somehow…

I don't know what the future holds-if I did, I would certainly not be writing this. What I do know is that life marches on, no matter what. (Indirect advice from one friend to another friend.) And that I am still happy to have met him and am grateful for the friendship that we still share. He's going to be a part of my life. I just have to re-adjust the spot I put him in my heart.

And so the march begins...

17 comments:

Brian in Mpls said...

You think that was a hard post to write? Imagine me reading this and finding out you have been cheating on me this whole time!!!

(Sorry I deal with problems through humor as a defense mechanism)

Truly I am sorry and I wish upon a star that you find your love or that this guy realizes what he has had.

*Hugs*

Empress Bee (of the High Sea) said...

well honey i can't understand how you are not bitter about it but good for you that you are not or seem not to be. you know i care a lot about you and your feelings and wish you well. sorry i can't say the same about him...

hugs, bee
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

heather said...

i have walked that path that you are now walking, being in love with someone that does not love you back, for about 6 years now. We have become friends now however. If you need someone that understands, completely, drop me a line.

heather

Bond said...

Love is out there...I know...I found it

Ivanhoe said...

Oh Mags, I'm so sorry... But glad that you realized that and are ready to move on. Sending you a big hug!!!!

Rocketstar said...

Keep marching Mags, time will heal this wound.

katherine. said...

you are an incredibly strong and brave woman...all year you have been taking great big huge steps on your own personal "march"

I admire and applaud.. (and cringe and wince) your audacity to publish this post....let alone make the decision to rearrange your heart.

too bad for him...

FRIGGA said...

Ow, that's rough. But you're right about there being someone out there and about you deserving to be loved back. I really admire your inner strength! :)

Star8278 said...

Been there; done that.

Spent 10 years lusting after someone who didn't feel the same. Got over him. Spent the next 5 years in a relationship I thought was the right one forever. I finally reached the point you are at and told him to sh*t or get off the pot. I was not expecting him to leave. The best way to get over it and move on is distance. I found that trying to stay friends was too difficult and made it a daily reminder of what I wanted and couldn't have.

The good news is that when God closes a door He opens a window. I met Mark, someone I had "known" since High School and reconnected with about a year ago. He is perfect for me, and together we are perfect. Have faith, sweetie that you will find that person for you.

Enjoy your time and freedom now and when you least expect it, when you've grown strong enough and independent you will find its the perfect time and that window will open.

mauniejames3 said...

Oh my gosh mags...I feel as if someone punched me in the stomach...you are the bravest person ever..I know a part of you is hoping he reads this post and "get's off the pot" but I think
there is someone out there who will love you and tell you so...thats such a hard road..my feeling...forget about him..

Lois Grebowski said...

Mags, the guy is a fool and you are one AWESOME woman! I've been where you are...started tearing up while reading this...

I'm a firm believer that there is someone out there for everyone... and chances are there are many someones out there for a wonder, beautiful, vivacious, passionate, creative woman such as you.

You rock, Mags. Hugs for bearing your soul. I know this post was not easy.

Now go get 'em!

Mags said...

Thank you for all of your kind words and for your support everyone...

As for him, there is no reason to lay blame or throw hatred toward him. You can't help who you love or who you don't and I know that he respects me and thinks I am a great person. It's just the way the cookies crumbled.

Thanks again...it helped me a lot to write this post.

Travis said...

I'm so sorry for this result. You deserve to be loved and cherished.

Hugs.

Desert Songbird said...

You'll find someone, or rather, someone could probably find you. That's how it worked for me. I thought I would never, COULD never find someone who I loved as much as my first husband. I did. You're right - you can't pick with whom you fall in love, but you can stop nurturing a love for someone so that your ability to move forward is enhanced.

Keep a smile on your face, Mags. It WILL get better.

Clancy in Idaho said...

This made me tear up too... this is the kind of writing that first sucked me into your blog... heart on the line kind of writing. Amazing. You are so incredible and have so much to offer and I look forward to future posts where you've healed this spot in your heart and made room for loving someone who in love with you back! (no fault of the non-lover, like you said! Amazing perspective. You are fabulous!)

Melisa said...

Wow Mags, you should feel very, very powerful, standing up for yourself in this way. You DO deserve to be loved back and it's not that he's a bad person, he's just the wrong one for you to spend your life with. It's lovely to read about a woman who will not settle because she knows what she deserves.

I haven't "known" you for a super-long time, but in the short time that I have known you, I know that you have come such a long way from where you were, ages ago. Be proud of yourself!

(and isn't it a wonder what writing will do?)

Asara Dragoness said...

I'm so proud of you.

And I LOVE YOU!! :) Sorry I'm not a guy though :(