Saturday, November 10, 2007


Today was a very stressful and overwhelming day. Though I got to spend time with Megan and her husband on Friday night, it feels like all I've been doing is going, going, going...and I know it's to be expected-a lot is going on right now. But I just feel so....old.

I slept in today a bit because I felt like I was coming down with a cold, and wanted to recharge if I could. For some reason, I woke up in a horrible mood. It's very rare that I'm in a horrible mood. And being in a horrible mood, makes me even more angry. Because I'm still a little bit wound up, I'm going to journal about it now...

I need a new winter coat. The coat I have now (a black wool peacoat) is quite old and has a rip in the lining (which got stuck on the pocket of my jeans last night and ripped more). The buttons are loose and it's starting to pill. Is that even the right word? I have little energy to look that up right now. Anyway, I decided that a winter coat is pretty essential, especially because I plan on exploring a lot this winter. Being that I am not a size 2, it's always hard to find a stylish winter coat. After looking online I finally found one that I thought was very cute and decided to take the plunge. It arrived yesterday and I was excited to try it on and start my winter cuteness off-but it was not to be. Long of the short of it-the color was WAY misrepresented and it was about 3 sizes too big. I was disappointed, of course. On the way to the mall to return the coat, I got a call from my realtor.

This put in an even worse mood. I could tell by the sound of his voice that he was about to ask for something that the seller wants. This woman is a complete bitch and seems to think that she deserves everything handed to her. And she must know the situation I am in, because she keeps pushing for more. I've already given her back the $500 that we negotiated for me to keep, but now she asked for another $150. She wants to replace the oil tank, which is not even broken, and the quote came back $150 more than before. Oh, and she asked if I could move the closing back to 12/2.

I am ashamed to say that I yelled at my realtor. I asked him at what point was he going to tell the selling agent to smack her client into reality. I reminded him that there was a reason why I was selling my house in the first place, and it wasn't because I was rich. I rattled off again that I am paying for her ENTIRE closing costs, replaced the roof and paid $680 to treat termites that aren't even there. (really) I told him to say yes to the $150 but to make sure he tells the selling agent that she better not even THINK about asking for more. And then I said no to the date.

I explained that I planned my entire move based on the date that the BUYER set, and that I was planning on moving based on that date. Furthermore, I start my new job on the 3rd and there is no way I'm going to be worrying about all of this shit into December.

I am fully expecting the sale to fall through. If that happens, literally, my life is over. I have so much money invested in the sale of this house, money put into the new apartment and a lease that is signed. I have quit my job. My life will be over, and I will not even try to pretend I am ok. I have no idea what happened when he talked to the selling agent, because he doesn't think it's important to keep me in the fucking loop.

On top of that, my mother was here today, and let's just say that she doesn't exactly make the people around her calm. She nags. She can't hear what you say because she refuses to wear her hearing aids. She's pushy, and she and my father hate each other. She talks badly about my sister to me, even though I told her I do not want to hear it. And then she makes you feel bad when you snap. Whenever I am around her, I feel like a bottle of soda that has been shaken up but not allowed to explode.

And I'm completely overwhelmed with how much stuff I have here and how little space I'll have to store it in. This was the kind of day that makes you want to punch someone.

And now, I just want to crawl into bed and sleep until this whole thing is can't come soon enough. I've said it before, and I'll say it again: I don't ever want to own another house in my entire life. Both houses I've had were nothing but stress and trouble for me, and having equity is not as important as having a stress-free life.

Just pray that I've really unloaded this shit hole.

I need a hug.

Friday, November 09, 2007

Up Standing

I didn't prepare a post for today. I usually blog the night before and post it the next morning. I tend to think more clearly at night, and instead of just throwing a post together when I'm groggy (like I am today) I like to relax and take my time. Maybe it's just that I'm overwhelmed with everything that's been going on, but I've been so tired every night-by 9pm I'm zonked out! For a night owl who can easily stay up past midnight on weeknights, this is rare.

I had a weird dream last night, but I can't remember all of it. I know it was a weird dream because the part I can remember is, well, weird. But I know where the idea came from, so I'm not terribly worried about it. The dream consisted women looking for a way to simulate peeing as men. Thanks to Greg's staff for that. In any case, there was a huge movement to pee like men and so companies were manufacturing these things that would wrap around our bodies and catch the urine from our parts and funnel it into an artificial penis.

Women everywhere were flocking to one particular company and this angered some other company who made a "better" product and sold it for less money. The thing is, they were somewhat disgruntled and so they made it so that when the urine funneled into the shaft, it mixed with a chemical that lined the inside and turned it to acid, burning everything it touched.

And you know that saying, "No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops go down your pants"? Yeah-women were being burned, and an uprising began.

Over a device that helped women pee like men. :)

I have lots of packing to get done this weekend, as well as cleaning out my shed (into the dumpster I have in my driveway). It's fun stuff, I tell ya! What are YOU doing this weekend?

Thursday, November 08, 2007


Jack walking into the dark dining room of my parents house...he begins petting the mannequin head my sister used for cosmetology school...when he realizes it is a head and not a cat as he thought, he jumped about a mile.

I am 4, living in New York...sitting on the deck the overlooks the street...studying the potted plant in the corner I notice little white balls in the potting soil...I pick one up and try to pop it only to be disappointed that it is not filled with liquid.

Falling asleep on the sofa with someone with strong arms, pressed so close together I could feel his heart beating. I didn't even care that the window was left open, or that we only just met. I only cared about seeing him in the morning.

My Aunts car...waiting for her to come out of the store...when she hops back in she opens the glove compartment and put a box of condoms in it and shuts it tight...Don't tell Nana what you just saw, ok? she says. You're my favorite, I think, I'll do whatever you say.

Wooden bottom sandals with dark blue little kindergarten aged fingers hurrying to secure them tightly so that I could join the big kids...they were going on the roof of the Nana and Mom would not let me go...I cried for hours.

Swimming in my underwear and bra in my boyfriends in the ground pool because his mom forgot to leave me a key and no one way was too hot to sit in the sun so I stripped down and jumped in, nervous someone would see...and excited to be doing something risky.

Opening the door to my apartment seeing bunches of peach roses, knowing that I only mentioned that they were my favorite color roses in passing, and that someone took the time to listen.

Feeling like a cool kid for once, even in plaid pj bottoms and a sweatshirt with my glasses on and my hair up. Looking at the various people strewn around the room thinking about how much I was going to miss them.

Nailing that note that no one else could, under the bright lights and caked on makeup, feeling like I was on top of the world. Getting a hug from an unlikely hugger made it even better...

Snapshots gathered here together in a marriage of memories and life.

Wednesday, November 07, 2007


*Sometimes, I just don't have the energy...

*Someone from my new home looked at my blog yesterday. It's kind of freaking me out.

*It's weird (but exciting) that in 8 days I will have an apartment in Boston.

*Raspberry Chocolate coffee isn't as good as it sounds. I totally should have stuck with the pumpkin.

*Watching an onion bagel catch on fire is only slightly amusing.

*My realtor went into my house yesterday without asking me. That means he set off my alarm and had the police there. Which actually makes me nervous because the 2 people in my house were not arrested. Hmm....

*It's hard to imagine what my apartment will look like decorated because I can't quite remember what it all looks like. (I can remember each room, but can't remember the entry way, and therefore, the wall layout.

*This is preventing me from planning which furniture I will buy and which furniture I will sell.

*My effing roof is still not done. Those guys better hurry their asses up before it snows.

*It better not snow before the 23rd.

*It hurts when someone who is supposed to be happy about your dreams coming true is less than happy, and even vocal about their unhappiness.

*I should be used to it, but I am not.

*I took a personality test yesterday and found that I have flipped completely since 5 years ago when I last took it. I used to be a DS (totally conflicted!) and now I am an IC. If you don't know what that means, sorry.

*My stats are wicked low and my google rating has dropped for some reason, yet all of the same people are visiting here. Somehow, that just doesn't make sense...I've decided that I don't really care about the google rating (to hell with paid ads!) but I do care about my readers.

*I'm going to pack dishes tonight. Rick, perhaps I will document it for you. ;)

Wordless Wednesday: My Peace Globe

Monday, November 05, 2007


Good news almost all around today:

1. I passed my drug test (as if there was any doubt)
2. I got the apartment!!!!

Here is a picture of my building:

Unfortunately I can't say that the one you see on the 5th floor is mine, because my apartment is on the other side of the building, without the bay window. It's a good little apartment though, with wood floors and a partial view of the Boston skyline, and a T stop (GREEN!!) right outside the door. I'm on the 5th floor so I have no one above me, which is a major plus and I'm close to lots of neat shops and restaurants. And:
Total Est. Time: 8 minutes
Total Est. Distance: 2.68 miles

Away from Fenway...

My lease starts in 10 days. 10 days! I'll start moving things up over that weekend by the car load and move in either on the 21st (my last day at work) or the 23rd (the day after Thanksgiving. I'll have to come back down here for the closing on the 27th, but that's easy peasy.

I went to my new place of employment to meet with HR and to take a drug test. After we talked about insurance (only a 1 month wait period) we went in to say hi to my new boss. I can tell you that I am going to LOVE working there. My boss is SUPER nice and all of the other people I've met so far are too. In fact, I got a hug today from the man who interviewed me and said I was the bright spot in his day. Now, that really makes a girl feel good...I have a feeling that it's really going to be a pleasure to walk into the office more than it'll be a drag.

I've also decided that Cambridge Ma is my nemesis. Thanks to bad Mapquest directions, I have now gotten lost in Cambridge 3 times now, and it's hell to get out of if you don't know where you are. It's sad when you are so lost that you start recognizing the streets that confirm it. It's a really cute section, so I want to get over the "UGH!" factor, but I think I'll save that area for last on the explore here list.

Besides being lost, the only other kind of bad news is that I have to wait for a loan check from my dad to clear before I can get a money order to pay the real estate agency for the apartment. Hopefully that will be tomorrow because I'm supposed to be giving it to them no later than that. I hope it doesn't screw things up...

So, that's my news. I'm so dead tired right now from driving that I'm going to sit in front of my TV and just veg out for a while...

'Til tomorrow-night!

Manic Monday: Earth

She circles the earth

with nowhere to land,

and can't seem to understand why.

Yet places and people

she sees down there

she can't seem to just pass by.

She savors the cool,

clear breeze on her face

and lets it wash things away.

And hopes that wherever

she lands for good,

people will want her to stay.

Today I am hiking back up to Boston to drop off some things with the realtor and to also take a drug test for my new employers. Hopefully, this will be the last trek up there until the 15th when I should be getting keys...I know I've said it before, but please, please say some prayers that everything goes well with the apartment and most of all, with the sale of my house. At this point, if it falls through-I'm screwed...

I've been a horrible blogger lately, and my stats and my ranking have shown that...I promise that after I get an apartment secured (hopefully today!)I'll be more able to check in with all of you and comment more!

Sunday, November 04, 2007

Just thoughts...

I have so much to say but the words are just not coming out right. With less than a month left in my house and no definite place to live in Boston, I admit that I am afraid. It's normal, I think, to feel this way when on the cusp of a whole new life, but somehow, I feel like I'm being silly by admitting my fear.

Though my two closest friends encouraged me to keep my house for as long as I could, I sold it. I know they were looking out for me because they care about me and my future, and I am and will be forever grateful to them for doling out hugs, wiping away tears and making me laugh when I really wanted to just torch this place I've called home for so long.

When I tell strangers that I am moving to Boston they almost immediately ask if I have friends or family there. When I tell them that I essentially don't know anyone, the look on their faces tell me they are scared for me-and shocked that someone would willingly throw themselves into the pit of loneliness to explore a new city all by themselves. And they are right. But also, so very wrong.

A lot of bad things have happened to me since moving back home-my husband tried to kill himself & I went to fertility treatments alone and felt the chill of science without the warmth of love. I met a man who played the ultimate trick on me and sucked me into a world that I swore I'd never fall victim to, and I've had to face what it really means to be alone.

Yes, there are hundreds of good things too: Being with my family more often, playing with Rye Bread, first kisses and unwavering support and a friend who's door is always open, no matter what she has going on. And these things will be hard to move away from. But these things are true. These people are my family, my heart-and no matter where I am they will still be there.

I guess no one can truly understand why I need a change. There are a couple of reasons, but the main one is that I feel like I have to define a life of my own-without a husband telling me what to do, or the ghost of an abusive boyfriend who always finds a way in. They've had their hold on me for way too long, and now, I am trying to take it back.

I've been doing it slowly since the day Jamie was arrested, and I think that overall, I am 100% better than before. I can't explain to you why, but I really think and hope that a move to a new city where I can be anyone I want to be will be good for me.

I'll shed some tears, I am sure and I will have moments of great fear and apprehension. But overall, I think that the girl I'm going to be in Boston, is going to be so much closer to the girl I really am inside.

It could have been any city. But I also know that running away from reality-from your family and friends who provide a strong foundation-is not the answer. And so I am looking to the future with fresh eyes, a hopeful heart, and a fantastic group of people who love me.

Thank you CAD, LAD, RDM &'ll never truly know how much you've helped me over these last few years, and how very much I love you all...