I am on a diet. Now that I do not have to eat at 9:30-10:00 at night and I can control what I put in my body, I am doing so. I have a tracker on my sidebar and hope to be able to move those numbers shortly.
Also keep these pictures in mind when I tell you that growing up I was told that I was fat. She did not say it in a mean way, rather, through laughter and teasing. It hurt but I laughed along with her because I loved her, and thought that if she thinks I am fat, I must be.
My self image was shot and my confidence wavered. I was quiet and withdrawn and only showed my true self to a very small number of people. I "learned" to make fun of myself to hide the pain and embarrassment of being bigger than the rest of my class.*
I was beautiful. I was sexy. And I was NOT fat.
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By the time I did start gaining weight in college, I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I stopped swimming-something I loved doing my whole life. I wore longer skirts and stopped wearing shorts. The only walks I took (for fear of sweating) were those I took alone.
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People on the outside never knew I was feeling this way. I hid it well because I was the comedian. I was the one who always made them laugh-the one who took risks and dares and who always listened to my friends with caring and compassion. I laughed when I wanted to cry and I hid behind sweaters and jeans.
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It took me a long time to get over this-and in truth, I still think about it everyday as I pass a mirror or am standing next to a skinny girl. It's sad that an otherwise confident woman like myself still feels inadequate simply because my mother thought it was funny to tell me my "thunder thighs" really showed themselves off in that skirt, or that I shouldn't wear a certain dress because my arms were too big.
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I am 31 years old, and if you were to ask her, she would say that she was joking-that it was harmless and that I laughed right along with her.
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But tears don't have to fall for someone to be crying. The louder my laugh, the sadder I was.
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And that is the honest to God truth.
11 comments:
Mags, I know exactly where you're coming from on this post but it was more my father who would make the "fat jokes" at my house. When I graduated high school I weighed 136 pounds and thought I was a behemoth because that's what I was always told but in truth, I was pretty damn normal looking and not fat at all!
Now, however, I am truly fat and feel even worse as I feel like everyone is looking at me and thinking "Wow, she has no self-control when it comes to food." In truth, I don't eat that much but I come from a long line of poor genetics when it comes to metabolism and weight. However, that doesn't mean I can't lose it and I'll be right there with you on the weight loss wagon (though I think I'm too much of a chicken to put up a counter on my blog!).
Parents say things that they think are funny sometimes but they aren't - they're hurtful and they ring throughout our heads for the remainders of our lives. Just like you will always hear your parents say things like "Close the door", "Turn off the lights", or things like that you are always going to hear "You're too fat for that dress" or other hurtful things like that.
As a parent, I know full well that things I say are going to affect my children but you know something? You don't have to be a parent to know that - you just have to have been a child yourself.
People who hide behind "I was just trying to be funny" are NOT funny and should be ashamed of themselves for saddling their children with low self-esteem and doubt for the rest of their lives.
Hang in there, Mags, I know you'll do great with your new resolve but for it's worth, I think you look great now - you have a fantastic smile that goes right up to your eyes and if people can't see the person there because they're too busy looking at your weight then those people aren't worth knowing.
Sorry for being so wordy - some things just tick me off. Big time.
Telling kids they are fat is wrong in so many ways. I'm sorry this happened to you. I too am over weight. No one has called me fat though. Well, not to my face. We love you Mags no matter what size you are. Have a great weekend. :)
you are lovely, every day. and i have bestowed an award on you today, go pick it up...
smiles, and hugs, bee
My mother sometimes makes comments to me. I try not to let it get to me as I feel pretty comfortable (usually anyway) with my weight, and I am healthy. I also understand why my mother sometimes says what she says...that helps. Personally, I think you are quite lovely.
wow: I SO can relate to this post.
My great-grandmother often called me "fatty" as a kid, and everyone tried to laugh it off, that she didn't mean it or she was kidding. Well, let me tell you -- it hurt. I don't care if it was meant in jest, it did not help my self-esteem one bit.
My sister was jokingly called "air head" by my grandfather and she still resents the insinuation that she was the pretty one and I was the smart one.
Things said to kids, I don't care how young or old, can hurt them deeply. Especially by family members.
Remember, Mags, you are a beautiful, vibrant young woman, and I love you dearly.
♥
mo
I know the comments about how I shouldn't eat something because I was fat made me want to eat out of rebelion. I know it's rough being a parent and wanting the best for your kids because now I struggle with figuring out how to teach her to eat healthy and excercise without saddling her with baggage about her body.
She's beautiful and I'm not just saying that because I'm her mom... she really is. Perfect strangers tell me how pretty she is... and she worried about her weight. At 10!
and I was 'skinny vinny' with no muscle whatsoever...the scrawny little kid... it does go both ways...
Mags, you are beautiful...told you that before...saying it again.
Kids face so much pressure from peers. It's rough when they get similar criticisms at home from the people who should be supporting them.
Nobody's appearence should be the source of a jest.
Hugs.
Wonderful, wonderful post. I have just the perfect person to send it to! Thanks Mags dear!
It doesn't have to be a parent either...anyone who has influence over a child, such as a teacher, can make a big impact. I had no problems in school except in math. It was my downfall. My 7th grade Algebra teacher called me stupid in front of the class. To this day, I have math phobia.
Anyone who deals with a child, or as a previous commenter said, just be a child, needs to watch their mouth. Things said in jest can leave scars for eternity!!!
No one, and I mean NO ONE, has the right to place a child's self esteem in jeopardy. Things my mom said in the heat of anger will linger with me to my grave. Did she love me? Certainly! Did she have the right to be angry with me? You bet! But she didn't have the right to be hateful!!! Some young women today think it's "hip" to make flip remarks about their kids and claim it's just humor. It's SICK and HURTFUL. I don't want to be around to see the results....
Love you, Mags - you're the best!!!
I do that a lot too - I always think if I make the "fat" joke first, the others won't have too. Good post...and I'm glad I came across this blog!
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