Friday, January 05, 2007

Eat, Pray, Love

I have not, in the 9 years since it happened, heard of or read about a spiritual experience that so closely matched mine. Until now.

"...And the crying went on forever.


Until-quite abruptly-it stopped.

Quite abruptly, I found that I was not crying anymore. I'd stopped crying, in fact, in mid-sob. My misery had been completely vacuumed out of me. I lifted my forehead off the floor and sat up in surprise, wondering if I would see now some Great Being who had taken my weeping away. But nobody was there. I was just alone. But not really alone, either. I was surrounded by something I can only describe as a little pocket of silence-a silence so rare that I didn't want to exhale, for fear of scaring it off. I was seamlessly still. I don't know when I'd ever felt such stillness." ~Elizabeth Gilbert "Eat, Pray, Love

I was engaged to Matt at the time and slowly realizing that things were not as they should be. He was not interested in looking for an apartment with me, even though our wedding was just less than a year away. Instead, he expressed his desire for us to continue living with his mother.

Getting him to discuss important wedding details was impossible. Even spending free time with him was beginning to diminish. Our sex life was almost non-existent.

And then, just when I was beginning to think it was just "cold feet" I quite literally "found" an email from another girl. She had fun at lunch the other day, it said, and was looking forward to seeing him next week.

I was in class during their date. We car pooled that day. On the way home, he was smiling-something I hadn't seen in at least a month. Knowing it was not me who put a smile on his face, made my heart break into a thousand shattered pieces.

I had just picked up my wedding dress, and my head piece was being handmade by the little Spanish lady down the street. How could this be happening?

When Matt went to work that day, I emptied my closet and dumped my belongings into by tiny Neon and drove. To this day, I do not know how I did not get into an accident, because I was crying as if someone had ripped out my heart and left me to die a slow and bloody death.

I called him from a pay phone, telling him I would not be there when he got home; that I was leaving him and calling off the wedding.

He begged and cried like I've never heard him cry before. They were "just friends" he claimed, and it was nothing but lunch-I could even come next time. A harmless friendship, a casual lunch to pass the time. He was waiting for me, after all.

I didn't have anywhere to go. My family lived in Connecticut, my friends all had roommates or lived with their parents. The hotel was expensive and money was something I didn't have much of.

As I turned back onto San Blas Ave, the street we lived on, my tears overcame my judgment and I had to pull over. "Please." I begged. "Please God, make this stop. Please help us get past this. Please stop my pain."

And the crying went on forever.

Until-quite abruptly-it stopped.

Years later, we all know that I probably should have just kept on driving until I was home. She wasn't just a friend, nor was she the first to steal my husband's smile from me. But I didn't ask for her to be just a friend.

I asked for "this" to stop. And it did.

And I knew exactly why-and who-had stopped it.

Thursday, January 04, 2007

A Sorrowful Song

*NOTE-the old template will be back shortly...for now. I have one more to try out. Thanks for your feedback!


It was her last chance to prove that she was worth something. At least, that is what she thought. Others, she'd learn years later, were already enamored with her sense of humor, her spunk and her style. She was a mystery to them, and they liked trying to figure her out.

Her voice was pretty and powerful and when she sang, she poured every ounce of emotion into the words, often bringing people to tears when they watched her perform. It was this quality that made her an obvious choice, and when she walked to the casting sheet, she was uncharacteristically confidant.

Scanning the jagged edged handwritten notice her eyes filtered out her classmates names until finally reaching her own.

As tears sprung to her eyes, she wondered how exactly she would cover up her severe disappointment when she turned to face the crowd. The crowd behind her had stopped talking, waiting with mounting anticipation for her reaction.

She did not get the lead.

With a deep breath and composure as strong as steel, she turned and walked slowly to the bathroom. Once inside, she allowed her tears to flow, wiping away her sorrow with 2 squares of toilet paper at a time.

"What now?" she thought. "How will I act like this doesn't bother me?"

What she had not yet learned in her 17 years of life, was that having a powerful voice means more than just moving people to tears with your singing. It also means singing a sorrowful song when you are moved to tears.

Wednesday, January 03, 2007

A Fresh Start

So...what do you think?

I'm still debating about whether or not to put all of the buttons back up, and my profile info is missing for now b/c it's got a funny bug...but for the most part, it's done.

I didn't create it though, just modified it a teeny bit.

Toosdae ?'s

Yeah, yeah, I know...it's Wednesday. But-it feels like Toosdae, right? Ok, so I forgot because we had Monday off. Just answer the stinking questions will ya?! ;)

1. If you could have a view of anything you wanted from your bedroom window, what would you choose?

2. Is there anything that you are embarrassed to go out and purchase?

3. If you were hosting a dinner party and were able to have one writer, one musician and one actor of your choice as guests, who would be at your table and why?

1. I think I'd choose lush, rolling hills of apple orchards or vineyards with mountains in the background.

2. Not really...although if my face is broken out I feel a little self conscious when I'm buying facial cleanser. And if I am buying deodorant, powder and gum together I feel like people may be holding their breath until I leave, thinking that I'm stinky because I ran out of all 3 together.

3. Maya Angelou because she's an amazing woman with amazing stories and poetry, a toss up between Jason Mraz or John Mayer because they both seem cool and have great lyrics and I think it would be fun for conversation, and Wentworh Miller (hey, he's not the greatest actor, but boy is he delicious).

Tuesday, January 02, 2007

Honkie Tonk

Dear Mr. Honks-A-Lot:

Please refrain from entering my state if you are unable (or unwilling) to read traffic signs, merge onto a highway or properly change lanes (with your blinker). Your honkie attitude is not appreciated, nor is it warranted.

While I have your attention, I'd like to use this time to point out that it is not my fault that neglected to read the signs and therefore ended up on the opposite side of the highway. It is also not my fault that you did this on New Year's Day, when everyone and their brother were trying to travel home. So get your heavy hand off of your horn, and exit with some dignity.

And, by the way, if you had put your blinker on, I would have known you wanted to change lanes prior to exiting, and I would have gladly helped a brother out. But no, you opted for the low road, swerving and honking, and almost certainly screaming profanities that your 3 grubby children will undoubtedly pass onto the world.

Bravo, Mr. Honks-A-Lot. Bravo. Your legacy will be bad drivers with heavy hands and foul language, and you will all most likely end up with heart disease because of all of that stress.

Happy New Year Mr. Honks-A-Lot. I hope you didn't end up in the ghetto.

Cautiously,

Mags

Monday, January 01, 2007

Resolve

2007 opened with a splash-or, should I say, drip...

Along with millions of other humans, I've resolved to not make resolutions. And, like millions of other humans, did so anyway but named them something different. Goals, targets-whatever the label, they exist in my heart and will (hopefully) help me shape 2007 into a better year than 2006.

My "They aren't resolutions" resolutions include such things like beginning an exercise program again and returning to church on Sundays. Interlaced and hidden, there are several others that I will not share (for now), however, one of the hardest, and perhaps most important goals on my list was challenged early this morning: To ask for help when I need it.

I wouldn't say I am a stubborn person in terms of vantage points or values. Anyone with intelligence and passion can make me stop to re-evaluate the way I view certain aspect of the world, and if what they say makes sense, it is not unlikely that I will acknowledge their thoughts and agree.

Though stubborn I am not, I do consider myself to be a proud person-in both aspects of the word. By definition, proud can mean someone who has high self-esteem regarding accomplishments. It can also mean someone who views themself as stately, or of higher class.

Stately? No. Of higher class? No. That's not what I think of myself. In my mind, I am prideful because it is hard for me to ask for help when I need it. Even when someone offers me help, I often refuse, though on the inside, I'm emphatically screaming YES!

In 2007, one of my goals is to ask for help when I need it so that I can get my feet back on the ground. I want to finally start moving forward again instead of running in circles.

It may have taken 20 minutes to dial a phone, but it's taken 30 years to realize it's holding me back.
To the person on the other end, thank you for being there, and for empowering me to do something I thought I could not do.

Drips-they've got nothing on me now.


Highlights from my 2007 horoscope preview...

...Fortunately, 2007 is likely to tell a happier tale.

...the dreams that were percolating in your mind last summer may finally come to fruition.

This is a time to take risks and push the envelope in terms of what you're willing to give the world. A creative drive can take Leo far, as long

...being bigger, bolder and more dramatic in what Leo say and do

You are in control of your fate now, Leo, which can be both exciting and scary.

Good judgment and a canny sense of strategy are allies as your fiery zest for a fuller life blends seamlessly with a practical view of what's really possible.


Here's to a Happy, Healthy and Prosperous 2007
My love 2 U all,
Mags

Sunday, December 31, 2006

2007

100 Things

1. I don't like milk.
2. I love cows. I think they have pretty eyes.
3. I love tequila.
4. I have a LOUD laugh, and laugh often.
5. I sneeze even louder.
6. I want to go to culinary school.I am pursuing a life-long dream by going to culinary school!!
7. I like abstract art.
8. I am left-handed.
9. I am terrible at keeping in touch.
10. I call dateable men, "Boys".
11. I own my own home. All by myself.
12. I still don't think of myself as a grown up.
13. I recently discovered that I like flamingos.I am thinking of moving away after I graduate because I don’t feel like I have anything to stay here for.
14. I worked for Walt Disney World.
15. When I don't feel emotionally strong enough, I fake it.
16. When people say, "What are you thinking?" most of the time I wasn't thinking about anything.
17. I have a terrible short term memory, but can remember almost every birthday or little insignificant detail I am told or observe.
18. I have a strong spiritual connection to God and to others.
19. I start projects and never finish them, but when I decide I want to do something, really do something, it gets done right away.
20. I do not like to sweat.
21. I am afraid of snakes.
22. My favorite smells are fresh lemon, garlic and olive oil sauteing, autumn air, clean boys after they hike and Drakkar.
23. I don't really like chocolate a lot.
24. I get headaches, and they make me zone out.
25. I used to be able to sing.
26. I love the Red Sox. Even when they lose.
27. I have Endometriosis and went through fertility treatments. I do not have any children.
28. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
29. I find joy in very small things, and that makes people look at me funny, but I don't care anymore.
30. I can play the flute and the piccolo.
31. I marched in a Civil War Reenactors parade at Old Sturbridge Village.
32. I've met Rosa Parks.
33. People say my best feature is my smile, but I think it's my eyes.
34. I can type like, a billion words a minute.
35. I am divorced.
36. I hate gardening, but am embarrassed to not have flowers in my yard, so I planted some. I now wish I didn't.
37. I sometimes hold back because I don't want people to dislike me.
38. I love wearing sweaters/sweatshirts, especially with turtlenecks under them, even though they are out of style.
39. I don't like football, but love the season and the sound of a live game in the fall.
40. I like animals but can't seem to cope with having them for pets.
41. People tell me I am caring and giving, but I often times feel shallow and cold.
42. I always thought I was uncool, but looking back at photos of college made me realize I always had a lot of cool friends, and was cool too.
43. I am afraid that my parents hate each other, even though I am an adult and live on my own.
44. I envy both of my sisters-for different reasons.
45. I write poetry that I never share with people. Especially the ones I write it for.
46. I'm a nark for someone.
47. I didn't drink until college.
48. I feel uncreative almost everyday, but feel that people expect me to be creative so I come up with something and am always surprised when people like it.
49. I am almost always too hard on myself.
50. I am impatient with some people and too patient with others.
51. I am the most loyal person most people have met.
52. I hate feet.
53. I can cook, but I can't, for the life of me, make fudge.
54. I am enthralled with deviance.
55. I've failed college level classes before. 1 time it was on purpose.
56. I love "Little House on the Prairie"
57. I could live on cheese.
58. I get frustrated when people can't speak English, but find it very hard to learn another language myself.
59. I like crunchy French fries.
60. I didn't like my dad until I moved to Florida.
61. I hate to be pruney.
62. I'm good being on my own, but want to find my lobster soon.
63. I once stole an eyeliner from Caldor in high school. I still have it.
64. I love the summer sound of those humming bugs-it reminds me of going to my Nana's house when I was little.
65. I like to look in people's windows when I drive by them at night.
66. I like to bite things. Texture is wonderful.
67. I live in my own head a lot.
68. I can clean a house in 1/2 hour if no one bothers me.
69. I like the smell of skunks. When I smell one, it reminds me of my grandfather.
70. One of my favorite things to look at is sunlight shining through trees in the woods.
71. ...Though I can't help but follow...Keep it loose, keep it tight, change girl to boy, and you've got it right...
72. I always wanted an older brother.
73. When my middle sister was born I wanted her name to be Laura after Little House. When I found out it was something else, I was mad at my mom. I was in kindergarten.
74. I over process because I don't want to make the same mistakes.
75. I'm starting to feel old. I'm 29.30.
76. I'm not afraid of failing, but I am afraid to have people see me fail.
77. I like to be a good role model. It sometimes hinders my actions.
78. I have an extra bone in my right knee.
79. This blog is a secret from the 1 person I'd really like it to impress.I started this blog in secret, and now everyone I know reads it.
80. I don't like to really use the word hate, but am starting to really hate 1 person.
81. I'm afraid of what truly hating a person means for my soul. Someone told me recently that the love I have for the person I like the least in this world is the measure of my love for God.
82. I try to live each day with a little less fear and a little more faith. It's a constant inner struggle for someone like me, who over processes things.
83. I would happily dive into a pool of whipped cream.
84. I have bungee jumped. I loved it, but would never do it again.
85. I have also mud wrestled on the green of my college. I'm pretty sure I'd do that again.
86. The weirdest place I've had sex was in a handicapped bathroom.
87. Through extensive research, I know that there are no such things as pink lemons.
88. I sometimes wish I was more memorable.
89. I regret not making more friends in high school. I also regret not keeping in touch with my old college friends.
90. I sleep with a mag light under the extra pillow on the empty side of the bed.I used to sleep with a mag light in my bed, now I’m brave enough to keep it under my nightstand.
91. I once saved someone from being raped by pushing over a man the who was the size of Alaska.
92. I owned a pencil signed original Dali for about 1/2 hour.
93. I once built a house. The only things I liked about it were the kitchen, the wall in the family room and the garage. And also the doorbell. Everything else was based on my ex-husbands ego, and it secretly embarrassed me.
94. I find just as much comfort in being alone sometimes as I find it lonely.
95. I've been hit by a man. I didn't do anything about it at first, and it cause me more pain in the end. I will never allow that to happen again, and will be sure to lose friends and family members (if need be) in order to save them if they are in the same situation.
96. I've only had 3 boyfriends-4 if you could Mr. CM now.4 boyfriends. 1 of them loved me more than life itself, 1 of them turned into my ex-husband, 1 of them was abusive, and 1 of them will probably end up being one of my best friends.
97. I have 20/400 vision and can't really see well when I drive at night.
98. I like to think I like spontaneity, but really, I like a plan.
99. I can read a map. Well.
100. Before I die, I would like to know how to play the piano.