Cocka-Doodle-Dead...

Read this crazy Rooster story...he had them in his apartment?

Imagine the fine he'll get for a pigeon and a decapitated rooster-my friend once got charged $250 for having a mouse (as a pest, not a pet) in her Manhattan apartment...

CTE: Final Destination

That when the grossest boy in your group of friends says that he gets turned on by watching a girl lick an ice cream cone, you are both severly grossed out but oddly enough, you start to crave ice cream. (You of course, resist the urge)

That some people will do anything to cover up.

That you should never let anyone live with you unless they have a written lease with terms stating you can evict them.

That sometimes a crooked cop will give you best advice “off the record” and also let you know what the “on the record” way to deal with things is.

Flamingos are pink because they eat shrimp.

That buying a car as a single woman (without bringing a man along) requires you to be a no nonsense bitch. It does work, however.

People who try to take advantage of you because you are a younger, single woman, are extremely surprised (and then impressed) when you can hold your own.

There are certain things you no longer worry about as you age. These are: laughing too loud, talking to strangers and hiding your secrets. Other things you worry more about are: Your aging family members, being alone forever and money.

Most of the people you work with are not really your friends. Even if they’ve done a lot for you over the years, they will not stand by you when you leave for another job.

And last, I’ve learned that I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and gosh darn it, people like me!

Still Wild At 30!

Today is my birthday. It's 1am on July 28th-the day I was born. I am 30 years old.

30.

Holy shit. How did THAT happen?

Yesterday, it seems, I was feathering my hair and walking around the Galleria with my Aunt Sue, pretending I was 11 when I was really 9.

And just the other day I was only a freshman in high school, pining over the dreamiest boy with the dreamiest singing voice while playing tennis.

Time really does go by quickly. It truly does seem like just a few months have gone by since my last birthday post-the one in which I was worried about pooping in the hotel room with Mr. CM there...

I generally like birthday's more than the average girl. I like that I get to see how much people really know me and that for the most part, people are nicer to you...and today I am happy.

I am happy to be alive...

I am happy to have my family...

I am happy to have my friends...

I am happy I get to spend tonight with Mr. CM and that tomorrow is with my 2 bitches, C-Unit and Flipper. (Maybe-perhaps we can pose like Charlie's Angles?)

But one thing is making me sad, and it's unfortunate that it's today. And because this is my blog, and I created it to write my feelings, I'm not going to omit this, even though I know that the person I'm talking about is reading.

Certain patterns in your life always tend to follow you. One of mine is this simple but heartbreaking fact: I have never had a best friend that stays my BFF. (Best friend forever)

1. Kindergarten in NY-Amy, the Spanish girl down the street. She was amazing. Her mother made the BEST rice in the world and her older brother was cute. I moved away, losing Amy as a friend. Afterall, if she asked me my phone number, my answer would have been something like, "4".

2. Amy C. She showed up from nowhere, moved into our little town with her unruly curly hair and a gap between here teeth. She lived within walking distance of the school and had a younger sister the same age as mine. Our parents even became best friends...we were inseparable-until they up and moved (suddenly) to St. Thomas.

3. Erin L. She was a Navy brat, who moved into her grandmothers mansion on the hill. We spent HOURS jumping on her oversized trampoline (won on Wheel of Fortune) singing "I Believe the Children Are Our Future" and other Whitney hits. Her father was discharged, and they moved to Louisiana for good. By this time, my heart was breaking, as I was the chubby girl who deeply cherished the friends she had.

I remember laying on the floor sobbing the night they left, my mother smoothing my hair saying, "Poor Maggie, her friends keeps moving away..."

4. Jenny T: of Ode To You Jenny T...4th grade, me and my boots and sweater dress, her and her newness-she thought I was a substitute teacher...the bestest friend yet-she moved back to NJ at the end of 6th grade, leaving me with a pit in my stomach. Not only would I miss her, but I had to face junior high alone. (We remain friends today and stayed very close through middle school and high school)

5. Karen D: Met in Junior high-she came from the town over and thought it was hysterical when I said, "God bless you" to someone when they sneezed during a test. I didn't know why. But I LOVED that she thought I was funny. We swapped clothes and rings a lot. She didn't move away, but she met another girl who she liked better and stopped being my friend. By this time, I have started protecting myself...I become more of a loner.

6. Liz N: People said we looked alike. She played piano and I sang-her family was smart and they let me tag along with them everywhere-perfect for me who was going thru major "I hate my dad and therefore my life" stages. She got "too" smart in high school and decided that anyone who didn't make high honors wasn't good enough to be friends with. (really)

6. Jenn H: Met in 8th grade. She moved here from Ca. and one day I wanted to go to the YMCA and randomly called her. She was one of the craziest people I knew, and my mom hated her. She moved back to Ca. in 10th grade. She was my only friend in that lunch period and so I had to eat alone. Sometimes I would just sit in the hall and read b/c I didn't want to look like a loser. I wanted to look like I was choosing to be alone.

7. Kelli M: My ex-boyfriends sister who is the same age as me. I always wanted to be like her-always. She hated that I was dating her brother and was jealous of our relationship, and therefore stopped talking to me. There was a fight and we "broke up", even though Sean and I dated for 6 years.

8. Christine T: College friend who hated someone I did from Sean's school. She was crazy and fun and we got into a lot of trouble at school together. We also took spur of the moment road trips (some of my favorite memories), mud wrestled, made cotton candy, went in a dunk tank, stole a video game and made a treasure hunt for our friends to find it, stayed up late to make smiley faces for the bathroom and called millions about pink lemons. She went on an internship when I went to Florida-she found new friends and a husband and so did I.

9. Matt R: My ex-husband. Though I see now that he was not ever really, truly my best friend, I believed and felt that he was. You all know how that ended. Broken hearted and without a best friend.

10. Wingnut: Someone who let me dare to be me and who always made me feel special and interesting and beautiful and smart. But someone I no longer feel I can trust to be honest with me and therefore I can't trust her. Sad, and fresh, my heart is broken.

So, yet again, I am best friendless. I'd decided somewhere around the Jenn H. days that I would no longer allow myself to get sucked into a BFF but not really BFF relationship. And yet, there have been 4 after her.

On my 30th birthday, I sit wondering what will happen now, and if I can ever bring myself to classify someone as my best friend again.

I want to, but I'm scared to. Afterall, it's not a good pattern.

(Sorry for the sad post) I'll post some happy things later at work... Last Countdown to Extintion later!

Happy Birthday to me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Still Wild at 30

CTE: Day 6

Here is today's list. Also, if you have time, go to Greg's blog and answer his fun questions. He is, after, on the Top 10 List of Cool People....

Hospitals seem to strategically place air conditioning vents; especially in rooms where they are performing “Girly” surgeries. This is both funny and mortifying when you find out that in your super duper anesthesia high, you made jokes and had the entire staff of surgeons and nurses in hysterics.

Red flags, caution signs and warning flares should go off when you pass out at work and your fiancée is angry with you for doing so. Especially when his anger is stemmed from the fact that he was supposed to go to the movies with his friends and now he has to go to a later one. Also, when he picks you up with a car full of said friends, makes you squeeze in the back with everyone else and drops you off in front of your apartment, not even making sure you are ok. Yeah. Red flags.

Nothing (and I feel weird writing this now because of all of the fighting going on everywhere) is the end of the world. Your life will flourish again as long as you look at it in this way.

Quiznos is evil. It will can cause stomach pains so severe that your friends will rename the girls bathroom after you for the day.

Some places have magical powers over you no matter how old you get, what state of mind you are in, or what your life is lacking. They can transport you to happiness in minutes and make you forget about your real life. Mine? You guessed it: Disney. Specifically: Main Street USA when the steam train is passing or while watching Spectro Magic, Splash Mountain and the Carousel or Progress and Spaceship Earth at Epcot. Also simply sitting in one of the worlds watching people go by is my equivalent to a Central Park.

The heartfelt words, “I’m sorry” are powerful when said, and also when not said. No matter how much a person has done to make something up to you, the absence of the words sometimes stop you from moving forward. But when said, you get closure.

It’s irrational to expect an apology from some people, and somewhat unhealthy to dwell on the fact that you’ll never get it. But the closure you need is also not there, and it doesn’t allow you to forget. This is sometimes what the other person wants, and even though you know this too, you can’t…the only thing you can do is to keep on living and dealing with the memories when they come.

Smoking pot is not fun. It is gross and boring and makes everyone around you boring and stupid. It is funny, however to know that peeing downhill, if done enough, will eventually reach the fire and the people sitting around it.

People say “These are the best years of your life” at every milestone you reach-high school, college, 20’s, and now, 30’s.

I Don't Know What To Call This Post

If you’re hairy and you know it, wear a shirt! If you’re hairy and you know it, wear a shirt! If you’re hairy and you know it and you’re back and arms are covered, if you’re hairy and you know it wear a shirt!

Is it rude to walk past someone who parked a minute before you did but is obviously slower than you and is obviously going to the same donut shop for coffee? Or should you just walk slowly behind them until you get there?

Restaurants and coffee shops should not have items on the menu that they cannot or do not like to make. If it is on the menu and I want to order it, I’m going to, whether or not you roll your eyes at me, take your time making it, or throw my change at me. It is not my fault someone called in sick and you can’t handle the workflow.

It’s happened to me every time I’ve had one. EVERY time since I was little. It’s why I stopped classifying them and why I’m so “independent”.

Nostrils and noses come in a million gazillion shapes and sizes. Do the people with side nostrils know they are not in the “norm”?

What should I call my catering business? The only thing I've come up with so far is: Fleur de Lis. It's not pronounced like Lease.

CTE Later today-stop back if you can!

My birthday is tomorrow. 8-)

CTE: Day 5

1. A watched pot does indeed boil, but couldn't you be doing something else in the meantime?

2. No matter how much emotional distance has grown between you and other people, there will always be things about them that melt your heart, and that's ok. In fact, it's wonderful.

3, There is an "E" at the end of the word "Handsome".

4. People who give you ultimatums as part of a relationship, especially early on, should raise red flags. Why are they so desperate in the first place?

5. People do not like being caught doing something wrong. Especially when they know you are on your colleges judicial board and they know they are screwed.

6. You are who you are. Though you can work on changing and improving certain things about yourself, your core personality is with you til the end. Embrace it, or brace yourself for misery.

7. Making braces out of cucumbers or paperclips is not cool.

8. Lightening storms can stop blog posts from being posted.

9. People will sometimes use you for your car.

10. When doing various art projects using Sharpies, it is a good idea to open a door or a window. Or not, depending on your preference

Office Space

Day in and day out most of us, I assume, walk blindly into our offices, directly to our desks and begin our daily grind. People who cross your path get an obligatory "Good Morning" or perhaps a half hearted "How was your weekend?" but for the most part, our sleepiness puts us into auto pilot mode and people fall by the wayside.

Being that I am still fairly new to my office, I am still learning the in's and out's of my co-workers behavior and the backgrounds that support their here and now. Some things surprise me and I've been amazed at someone's ability to still smile. Others amuse me or touch me, making me understand exactly who is standing before me, asking for a findulgingndulging their sweet tooth with candy.

Take for instance, the man who hangs a 8 ½ x 11 close ups of his son, all over his desk. The boy is in his mid teens and looks rough and pimply, and is not of the photogenic type. The man is quiet for the most part, and often elusive, which is something of a rarity here. Upon closer inspection of his life, you'd find that his boy was killed last year, and the pictures are most likely a way to remember his son's smile, and his elusive nature is a way to avoid the curious questions that will inevitably spring up.

There is an older woman, perhaps in her late 50's, who seems nice enough but stays distant. She's been here for 19 years and seems content with keeping her own circle of friends in tact, not allowing anyone new to penetrate it when she is near. Her husband died suddenly last year from a heart attack, while sitting in their back yard relaxing...perhaps she is simply too tired to let anyone else in...

The manager, who stares too long and often has a blank look on his face, though he's not completely lost because I can make him laugh...He's an alcoholic who's drug addict son recently smashed all of the windows of their house in with an ax. He and his wife have to sleep with their bedroom door locked for fear their son might kill them. No wonder he stares too long-he's looking for compassion, or perhaps he's just tired.

The people who line our office walls in cubicles stuffed with their memories all come from different successes and tragedies, and they all deal with them differently. Reminding myself of these things helps me to understand how they tick and why they are who they are. It makes the blow softer when they are mean for no reason, and makes me more patient when they ask me for help.

Stop and take a look around...knowing where people are coming from makes all the difference in the world.

CTE: Day 4, and other stuff

I forgot to post today's Countdown to Extintion post, so it's posted below. But first, let me leave you with this little tid bit of exciting news:

Scabs is gone!

That is all about that subject...I'm sorry I ranted on about him so folks!

**

1. That keeping your oddities a secret only makes you feel like a freak. Talking them out with others and embracing them not only makes you feel happier, but it also goes to show you that everyone else has a bit of freak in them as well.

2. Doing shots of vodka after shooting many beers while toasting to Myrtle Beach…to Myrtle…to…to…BEACH! Isn’t always the best idea.

3. Just because someone doesn’t answer their door, does not mean they aren’t home, listening to ever word you are saying….”I shaved in places I didn’t even know I HAD”….

4. Saying, “Do it for me” isn’t always the best motivator for people. Especially they are laying on the floor of the “shitter” drunk.

5. Certain things can overpower popularity (or lack there of): Drama club, Chorus and Sports, but only if you are good at them.

6. Some people are just totally incapable of following through with what they say. Perhaps they don’t always mean to let you down, they just don’t know how to finish what they started.

7. 3 way calling (total phone) is the bitchy girls accomplice and you should always beware when someone who normally doesn’t call you, calls you and asks you pressing questions about a cute boy. This usually ends up in complete mortification and wishes of death.

8. You’re not as alone as you think you are when you have Peach Cobbler….

9. The coolest people are typically not on the Top 10 Coolest People list. The coolest people are the ones who are quirky, are not the most popular, were made fun of when they were little and have strange phobias. They are the people who will color your life and make it interesting and they are the ones who understand how you feel when you feel like an outsider.

10. Sometimes green table clothes not only make your eyes look greener (or not) but it means that someone is trying to tell you they love you. In their own crazy way.

Swinging-Not Just for Playgrounds Anymore

In my infinitely busy day here at work, I’ve stumbled across an article on “swingers”, and being that I’m sleepy today, it’s really gotten me thinking about where our society is heading, and how long it’s actually be heading there.

In my mind, the word swinging, besides conjuring up my beautiful nieces bare feet almost touching the top of the trees, is reserved for hippy-like free birds and the group ABBA. Apparently, I couldn’t be more wrong.

Middle-aged couples from all over the world actively participate in sex sharing-swapping partners and participating in voyeurism. And it’s conventionized…naturally, Vegas is the destination of choice, but now I can’t help wondering about the quiet neighborhoods of Idaho or a suburb in Sheboygan. These people come from somewhere.

Is monogamy dying? Is it so hard to commit yourself to one person? Why do people need more than one partner, and why is it ok to simply just switch whenever you want? I enjoy a fulfilling physical relationship just as much as everyone else-but cannot grasp the idea of my partner telling me he’s going to Ms. X’s house for a little while, and perhaps I should call Mr. Y. It all seems pretty cold to me-because one of the things that makes your partner different from a good friend is that you share an intimate relationship. Taking that and spreading it to another person just seems wrong.

Is it unrealistic for people these days to dream of a happy and monogamous relationship? Should we simply stop expecting to find our lobster? Marriages are ending more frequently, swinging is growing, and people are starting to have children on their own-on purpose.

Does no one value the traditional husband and wife bound by love, mutual respect and trust anymore? Am I in the severe minority who still believes that love is still a family value? Am I wrong to believe that only one partner is right and that if your partner is caring and open, you can have a fulfilling and exciting sex life, therefore eliminating the need to multiply it by 3?

Should I give up hope that one day the Gods will come together for me and all the rest of the un-married population?

Enough questions…the shift is occurring, and I’m not sure I am comfortable with it.

Toosdae ?'s

Ok, my peeps. I'm not afraid to say that your participation has been lacking lately. Megan is excused because she no longer works on Toosdae, and Oriolegal was away, but the rest of you? What's your excuse?? That's what I thought...Participation keeps these going and also makes me smile...so, start typing!

1. Would you rather be known for one spectacular moment in your life and then doing nothing more after that, or for being sure and steady and average but always striving for something better?

2. If you could do something illegal without ever being caught, would you? And if so, what would you do?

3. Finish this sentence, "I never leave home without ____________"

1. Overall, I would rather be known for being someone who always strived for something better. Having a spectacular moment would be great if it was curing AIDS or Cancer, but if that was the case, what more could I do? Why would I stop? Therefore, being average would do-because it doesn't say that my spectacular moment can't happen...

2. If I was guaranteed not to get caught yes, I think I would do something illegal. I would choose to do something destructive, I think, like smashing into buildings, or going into a store with lots of breakable things and throwing them at the wall to smash them...though right about now, robbing a bank would also suit my needs.

3. Chapstick or lipgloss of some kind, and underwear.

Sophomore Update

It's official, I am a sophomore. And let me say, it's hard.

It's 12:05am and I just got home 15 minutes ago. We've never had to stay that late, and we were cleaning up until the minute we left.

My new chef is nice, but not very quirky, and I tend to like a little bit of quirk in the people I surround myself with. He works in institutional food service and has for 15 years. He is the chef manager at The institute of Living in Hartford, and we may get a chance to tour the facility. (The food service part, not the ward)

His first night for us was ambitious. We spent 2 hours in class and then went to the kitchen to prepare a double batch of granola, 2 portions of shirred eggs and ham, hash browned potato pancakes and omelets. We didn't actually sit to eat until 10:30pm. Class ends at 11.

Part of the reason is that we were in a different kitchen than we've ever used-and it's completely different than the others. It's smaller, but also set up strange, so we had to get acclimated to it. The other reason is that chef didn't have us working on omelets and eggs while the other stuff was cooking, so I feel it's partially his fault.

My eggs over easy were the only ones that came out perfectly. I just kept popping them onto plates. The over achiever boy was pissed. It made me smile.

Also-we have a new kid in class. He's very nice, and, is a lefty, like me! The only thing is that I noticed he puts garbage into his bowls and then puts them in the sink. Nasty! I'll have to talk to him about that. ;)

Last bit of interesting news for those of you who are interested, Scabs showed up. Apparently he's not getting kicked out. First of all, he didn't show up for his sanitation test on Friday. Yet another exception was made for him to take it today, even though everyone else made it to the school to take it Friday.

He didn't take 1 of his practicals-the one I re-took and paid $50 for-he just chose not to take it.

Then tonight, in the middle of cooking, he decided he had to go home. Already, his attendance is starting...mainly because he was allowed to miss 12 classes (when the limit is 5) with no consequences.

Amazing.

This was a rambly post, but I wanted to share with you my night. I'm drop dead tired and am going to sleep now.

Love ya!

Untitled: 4

Don't forget to see today's CTE:3, posted below!!

"My daddy can beat your daddy up."

An innocent exchange between two little girls; cousins reunited, fast friends and sharers of all things nursery school.

"No! MY daddy's the strongest man in the world. Your dad can't beat him up."

I was in kindergarten, sitting at the big square table eating cinagrahams and milk with my cousin and several other little friends who were gathered around me, the new girl.

An innocent exchange, indeed, but the words I spoke were more of a plee, a hope that it was true.

I loved my daddy, afterall, but I'd seen his face, black and blue and heard his labored breathing. I knew he was capable of falling.

Sitting in Mrs. Albreichts kindergarten class, I learned the meaning of "appearances" and mastered the art of "pretending". In my little burnt orange corduroy bell bottoms and (probably) red turtleneck sweater, I began creating the world I would fight so hard to protect; even if it did not really exist.

"My daddy is SO strong, he can....he can break down a brick WAALLLLL!"*

Surely, no man who's life was a shattered mess could do that...

*I truly remember this day. My cousin was sitting on my left and a boy named Evan on my right. We were eating cinnamon graham crackers and drinking milk out of those little cartons. I vividly remember that I told them my dad could break down a brick wall...

CTE: 3

1. That "one more chance" can only really mean "one more change" once.

2. That when something seems too good to be true, it most always unfortunately is.

3. This now applies to 2 parts of my life: Past and Present...Ode de Butt lingers on couches, no matter how much "Red Nurse" (past) or "Fabreeze" (present) you spray.

4. If there are too many inconsistencies in what someone tells you, it may be because they are 2 different people.

5. Spraying Orange/Citrus room deodorize WILL eliminate a wet dog smell from a freshly built house. But it will also make you gag when it is circulated through the entire house by the central ac. Camping out in the living room will not be as pleasant as you wanted it because of the smell.

6. There are undesirable things about most people. You just have to decide what your "That's too skanky for me to be in your life" bar is and overlook them if they make it.

7. Being lonely has nothing to do with being alone.

8. Dumping bottles out doesn't stop someone from drinking.

9. As you get older, saying "sorry" gets easier.

10. Popcorn will pop on an open fire.

Oops

So today, as I made my way through the morning, baking fresh blueberry muffins, tidying up my kitchen and throwing on some rag-like clothes, never did I imagine I'd be the center of attention for the day.

I was only supposed to be going to Rye Breads play, and only because my sister's camera was broken. I planned, literally, to visit with my family for a 1/2 hr, throw my hair into a pony tail and watch the play. I would the retreat to my messy house and do one heck of a clean up job.

WRONG!

As I drove up the driveway to my parent's house, imagine my bewilderment when I spied Mr. CM's red Jeep in the driveway.

"What the?" I said to myself...did he get lost and somehow contacted my parents for help? (I really thought that for a minute)

"Are they planning something for my birthday?" But why is he there, and without me?

Then it hit me. Today was my surprise party.

Sorry I ruined the surprise guys-but I WAS totally surprised!

I had a wonderful day. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Mags

CTE: Day 2

1. When push comes to shove-it will never end up the way you wanted. You will end up hiding in a slide on a playground, shivering in the cold without a coat, afraid to go home because you'll be beat up again. Hitting is never acceptable and will always happen more than once.

2. People respect you more for being yourself than for pretending to be someone you are not being unhappy.

3. There are WAY too many shades of gray. But they will the only way you will survive is to accept them into your colorful world and go with the flow.


4. Goats really eat anything. Don't lean against the fence.


5. That the people who promise forever can't possible mean it but the people who caution against it are probably the people who are most loyal, and will most likely be the ones you know when you are old.

6. Mud sliding is fun. Especially at night in the middle of your college campus.

7. The male testicle is thconsistencycy of a ripe plum.