Friday, June 02, 2006

Ban A Bob, Save a Mags

Dear Residents of New England:

I have a very urgent request which requires your immediate attention. I am begging you to please stop buying furniture from Bob's Discount Furniture so that I no longer have to be subjected to his lame, low budget commercials.

You know the ones. Not only is he on them, but he's hired a model, a blond woman, who is equally, if not more annoying than he is.

And now they've added "talking" couches to which they act out fake nasally voices whining about how cheap Bob sells them for.

The only way to stop Bob from spreading like the cancer that he is, is to simply stop buying his under priced furniture.

Stop being lured in by a complete living room set for only $499 (could you get that somewhere else? I doubt it.) Turn your nose up at the promise of candy and chocolate chip cookies. And for God sakes, do NOT step inside "The Pit"-because that's where he really gets you, my friends.

I beg of you-relieve me of my misery. Suck it up and buy your furniture at IKea instead. It's cheap, but chic and yeah, they've got food too.

To show your support, please sign the petition to ban Bob. C'mon down to the comments section and let me know how much you hate him too.

For those of you out of the country-or who are lucky enough to live on another coast, I envy you, as these are the MOST annoying, frequent commercials in the universe.

Yeah. They've worse than the Geico ones.

Thursday, June 01, 2006

Help Me, Rhonda

We all know that I have an over active brain and it's very rare that it quiets down. Sometimes it gets me in trouble and other times I can keep it to myself.

I'm on the verge of getting in trouble at work.

You wanna know why?

Perhaps it's because every time I see my boss, I want to call out:

"T-Bone! Wuzzup?!"

And he is, most definitely, not a "T-Bone". He might laugh, but it would only be because he couldn't quite believe they hired me.

Or when one of the executives walks by I want to say:

"Hey dooley butt"

because when I was little we sometimes called our butts a "dooley" or a "dooley butt" and this guys last name is, you guessed it: Dooley. (It makes me giggle when I walk past him)

We also have someone who I refer to in my head as "Boner" because his last name is "Bona". I can't remember his first name until I say "Boner-Bona" in my head. One day, I know I'm going to bust out with it in the same fashion you quickly whisper the first 5 digits of your social security number when they only ask for the last 4. (12345-6789)

Luckily, the president has a very white bread, boring name, and I therefore do not have a crazy name for him. The worst I can do is call him by his first name when he wants to be called Mr. XXXX. I don't know this to be true, but my luck, it'll happen-though I did feed him, so maybe I'll be ok.

Wednesday, May 31, 2006

Giggles

Sometimes, I get the giggles and just can't stop. I usually laugh a lot, mostly at things other people don't find funny and usually it's in how people deliver a certain sentence, or a little quirk I see in them that they don't know they have (or do a good job pretending they don't have it). But last night in class-everything and everyone was funny.

Even Scabs-which, as you know from my last story about him, is weird.

I think it was because I didn't get much sleep on Tuesday night, and work was slow again, so I was tired by the time I got to class at 5:30. Chef gave us coffee and cookies and that sort of sprung me into hyperness.

Bad news for someone who has to sit in a classroom for 6 hours.

First: Do pigs really like shit? ("Happy as a pig in shit" was used in class and I wonder...)

I started thinking about Bob the pig and a story about Gracie telling Megan that Bob needed a friend. Giggles.

Then Chef said Tuna Pizzelli (a casserole I think) and I thought-"That sounds like an Italian girl from the Bronx with big frosted hair."

Giggles. And-for those of you who don't know-I giggle loudly.

I then got into a competition with a boy in class of who could say the answers fastest and when he paused, the answer was on the tip of my tongue and I wanted to win so badly that I just screamed "LIGHTS!"

Everyone laughed at that one. But I couldn't stop. (It was, incidentally, the right answer)

It didn't help that Chef then told us about a restaurant she worked in where the head chef put a turkey through a dishwasher 20 times to defrost it because he forgot to thaw it prior to when he needed it.

For some reason I made up a voice (Reminiscent of Pee Wee Herman) for the turkey and heard him (in my head) yelling for help.

You guessed it, giggles.

Lastly, during a talk about being lactose intolerant, I thought of a story my sisters told me this weekend about how my mom told them that my father was lactose intolerant, which, in fact, he isn't. I told them that I remembered my dad drinking big glasses of milk when I was little and my littlest sister remembered my father falling asleep in bed with a glass and spilling it on her. (B/c she was little and she was sleeping in their bed)

I don't know why, but I just pictured her crying about spilled milk, and that made me laugh too.

At home now and my poison ivy has spread. Reapplying my calamine lotion was comical when instead of the Caladryl bottle, I picked up the apple juice bottle I was drinking from and applied that to the cotton ball.

Nuts.

All in all-it just goes to show you that an over tired, under worked Mags makes for great, silly entertainment...

Thank Goodness Friday is almost here!

Tuesday, May 30, 2006

Toosdae ?'s

1 Would you rather have taste buds all over your body or have a malleable stress ball head?

2. Do you believe in out of body experiences? If so, have you ever had one?

3. You are in a spelling bee-what word would you NOT want to spell? (The one word that always gives you trouble)

1. Malleable stress ball head. Taste buds all over my body would not only be gross, but think about normal things like: Having sex with someone or going to the bathroom. Gag.

2. I guess I don't NOT believe in them, afterall, I do believe in ghosts, psychics and heaven. I haven't known anyone to ever have one, nor have I experienced one so it's hard to really say for sure, but I'd say it is possible. My father actually flat lined during one of his heart attack's in the 90's and never said anything about white lights or hovering...

3. The word "probably" although when I just looked it up on dictionary.com I spelled it right. Looks like after all these years I've finally gotten it down. I usually write "most likely" instead of probably in everything I type or email...go ahead-look through emails I've sent. Told ya.

Monday, May 29, 2006

Garden of Eden

I know that this isn't spectacular, but for me, it's pretty big-I hate to garden, mainly because of the worms and the prospect of seeing a snake...so spending time in the dirt for me is huge. Looks pretty nice, huh? Wish I had before pics-then you're really be impressed!!







Weekend by Numbers

$50 gift card I had to spend at Chef's Equipment Emporium
$10billon I needed
1 pair of professional chef clogs I bought
$80 spent on flowers for my yard
5 hours Saturday spent weeding and planting said flowers
1 time I almost set my lawn on fire because I hate gardening
3 times I went outside to admire my work after I was done
1 picnic at the parents house
1 time I was dared to go in the pool
1 time it felt like knives were stabbing me b/c the pool was cold
3 trees I dug up from Momma Mags
1 time Rye Bread asked, "Why are you stealing our trees?"
1 sunburn
1 song I wish I never heard
2 trips to the mall area
5 times I wondered why I bothered going shopping at all
$15 spent on 1 pair of pants and a shirt (!)
1 time I remembered why
$20 more spent of flowers and mulch
4.5 more hours Monday spent mowing, planting and raking
1 dinner on my deck
3 hours spent reading after dinner
2 glasses of wine
1 cup of coffee
10 times (at least) I thought about how lucky I am to own a house
1 time I cheated on my diet-at the picnic, and only 1 piece of bread
1 patch of poison ivy
$5 spent on Caladryl
1 tired Mags, ready to fall into bed