Friday, April 07, 2006

I am blessed with 2 of the MOST wonderful friends in the entire world. They know who they are and why...I love you.

Untitled

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MEGAN
What I want to know is...

1. Why "Mum" is the word...

2. Especially if "Grease" is the word, is the word, is the word...

3. And was there an acutal episode in time in which a monkey played in grease?

4. Do kids still play with Slip-n-Slides?

5. And if so, has it been improved upon at all, and are there still children roaming around neighborhoods with body length scrapes from rocks, sticks and rusty Matchbox cars?

6. Why did they want to know if I knew the Muffin man so bad? Yeah, so? He lives on Drury Lane...am I getting a stupid muffin or what?

7. Why people insist on using the phrase, "It is what it is..." That's like responding "Well, Chuck, an apple is...well, an apple" to the question, "What is an apple?"

That is all.

Thursday, April 06, 2006

House Broken: Part 20

*If you are new here, feel free to catch up with the story-just click the "House Broken" button on the left...

She ran her shaking hand over her hair and smoothed away any strays that had come loose when she dressed. Her clothing was reserved-a knee length black tank dress with a baby pink cardigan and sensible heals-even though nothing about this day was sensible.

"D-day". The day her marriage would be officially over on paper. The day she got her name back, her hand back, and her key back.

But what she really wanted to know was when she would get her heart back.

Who would schedule that appointment? What paperwork did she have to file and how long would it take to process? There was no paperwork for the re-acquiring of your heart, she knew, and so she continued somberly preparing for what would always remain as one of the most awkward and surreal days of her life.

***


Nothing was ever ‘normal’ with them. There were strange meetings with people on vacations, outlandish signs, pigeons named Susie and theatrical productions by homeless people, of which they always had front row seats.

It didn't surprise her when the courthouse was evacuated due to a bomb threat.

Had this been any other man, she would have looked at this as a sign. She would have used this time to point out that God was trying to stop them from making a mistake and plead with him to reconsider.

But he wasn't another man, and the damage was done. She saw him for who he really was all of this time when she was blinded by her love for him. And to the sirens she smirked and to her husband, she smiled, knowing this was driving him mad.

She stood in the corner of the town green, watching people mill around anxiously, listening to conversations from deadbeat Dads to uninterested lawyers, and to soon to be ex-wives screaming at their soon to be ex-husbands. And she stood in the corner of the town green, watching her husband in that sea of strangers until he became one of them.

A while later, the stranger approached, stiff and confused, over dressed in his navy suit with his crisp blue button down shirt and spotted blue tie. He was too skinny and his eyes were sunken in; he seemed to be losing his hair by the minute.

He was familiar to her-she knew his eyes well, but before they were sunken and when his face was fuller and more alive.

“Hey” said the stranger. “Funny, huh?”

“I guess.” She shrugged.

“My lawyer just told me that we have about 2 hours before the building is cleared and the judge is calling everyone back into court at 2:30.”

“Great. That’s fantastic. What the hell are we supposed to do until then?” She let a little of the stress of the day seep out slowly, as though it found the tiniest crack in her foundation and needed to escape. She could almost hear it hissing.

“Well…are you hungry? We can go to lunch. I’m sure there are places to eat on Main Street. Are you up to it?” He was looking over her shoulder when he asked, as if to say, “I don’t really care if you say no.”

She sighed. What’s the point, she thought? Why bother? She knew he never kept his word, and she knew that unless she initiated it, they would never again be friends.

“Sure. But you're paying.” She conceded, as she walked passed him quickly, so his legs, which were shorter, could barely keep up. She waited just around the corner in front of the restaurant. When he arrived, he looked up and chuckled.

“Nice.” Was his only response to the sign that rested high above them.

“First and Last Café”

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Listen To My Secret!

Dear Frank and PostSecret:

I'm writing to ask why you never post MY secrets. Am I not good enough? Are my secrets not "artsy" or "provocative" enough to grab your interest? Was my hand made "pour my heart out" creation sub-par?

I consider myself to be fairly creative. I tried block letters so it was readable, I tried fancy letters to grab your attention, and I even used my own, boring and plain left-handed handwriting-but it was all for nothing.

You left me, abandoned and alone, holding my head in confusion, crying "WHHYYYYYYYYY?"

Don't get me wrong-I know your job is difficult. The number of cards you get on a weekly basis must be astronomical. And sometimes I am really blown away by the secrets you've posted.

I mean, I can see how this one is intriguing:

I want to know what they hid in the step too. Good choice!

I can also see why you chose this one-and I like the little disclaimer on the left side about it not being original art but how it's reasonably close to how the spanking happened-funny!


But this one is lame:


And mine would have easily been a better pick. I mean, c'mon-cards? I'm sure the people they give them to know they didn't make them.


Yes, Frank, I am writing mainly because I am hurt, I am angry, but most of all, I am now challenged.

I am now making it a mission to get a post card published-even if I have to make up a secret!

It's on Frankypoo-all of my spare time will be used to find the funkiest most outrageous or random post cards to send to you.

And by golly, 1 of them will be published!!

I suggest you choose one soon, son.

I'm not really angry or hurt. I enjoy PostSecret weekly and encourage everyone else to check it out if you haven't already. It's on my Blogroll. I do however, want one of my cards to make it, and really will continue to send them until they do. Sadly, I will never tell you when it's there-bwaahaaa haaa!

Tuesday, April 04, 2006

10 Simple Suggestions

Here are some ways you can make your office a better place to work:

1. If you can't breath out of your crazy snaggle nose, kindly breath out of your mouth instead. If we wanted to work with Darth Vater, we'd join the dark side.

2. Along the same line, if you can't type because you no longer posses all of your fingers (which is truly unfortunate), you might want to put down that tasty sammich you've brought for lunch. Using 9.5 fingers works better than 4.5, trust me.

3. Stringing it along-don't eat your lunch in front of....anyone. Not only does it look disgusting, but it also sounds revolting. See # 1. (Said snaggle nose prevents a "closed mouth" chew)

4. If you have breath that is so horrible it threatens to melt skin, be a pal and refrain from the whistle. Not only does hearing your broken tune randomly blown out annoy us, it also spreads your stink.

5. If you've chosen to walk down "Carcinogen Lane" keep your smokey ass outside. And shut the damn door so we don't have to smell you stink.

6. If you are employed in the management field, you should be able to turn on a computer. Being able to do so will eliminate the anger we feel when we see you look stupified when you can't "wake up" the screen.

7. If someone smiles at you and makes eye contact, the correct response is to do the same for them-not lowering your head as you pass as you mutter something no one but pygmies can understand.

8. If you are angry with someone because they are asking you to do your job (the nerve!) don't complain to someone in the middle. Not only will the make that person anxious, but your candy might just taste a litt-le funny from now on. (I don't know what that means)

9. Don't call someone from the other room to ask a question just because you're a lazy bastard. Especially if you use the wrong terminology and stutter while you ask the question. And don't you DARE get upset when I have no idea what the heck is spewing from your tainted mouth.

10. Wash your effing hands after you pee/poop. We can hear you in there you know!

***UPDATED***

11. If you have a cell phone, make it ring normally. No silly songs or crazy beeps. And for Pete's sake, please make it stop ringing when you have a message.

By following these simple guidelines, you too, can be liked. Maybe.

Toosdae ?'s

1. After you die: Would you rather be remembered as a great person who never accomplished much or as an incredible achiever that nobody liked?

2. If you had to be locked in a room for 24 hours, what 2 things would make your stay unbearable?

3. A hungry bear and an angry tiger are approaching you-quick-what do you do?

1. I would much rather be remembered as a great person who never accomplished much (other than being great and making people happy) UNLESS being a miserly wicked witch meant I found a cure for cancer-then who cares if I was mean, I saved people's lives and that, my friends, is great.

2. First if the temperature was extreme in one way or the other, that would be horrible-there's nothing worse than being too hot, or too cold. Second, hearing something repeat itself would drive me nuts. A song, a buzzing noise, a ring...whatever it may be, I think I'd rip my ears off.

3. I'd whip out my handy dandy picnic basket shrink my neck down into my shoulders until it appears as though I don't have one. (Duh-all bears are diverted by a well stocked picnic basket and tigers bite the nape of their prey to kill them) Whatev-it would work.

Monday, April 03, 2006

A Good Day, Indeed

Reason why Monday April 3, 2006 was a good day...

1. I wore chef garb. Just so ya know, buttoning my white chef jacket is one of my favorite moments already. It means I'm really going to do it.

2. The Red Sox won their first game!!

3. I made a man blush. Even if you aren't in the least bit interested in a man romantically, making him blush feels good.

4. I'm making stew for dinner because it's a bit chilly out today. How can any day be bad if it involves stew?

5. My boyfriend is on TV tonight. And like the stew, he's quite delicious and makes me feel warm inside.

Glory Be

I am a pray-er. Ever since my Mom taught me the "Now I Lay Me" prayer when I was a little girl, I've prayed at least once a day-most of the time more than that if informal "Please keep him safe" or "Please protect her heart" talks count.

I say the "Hail Mary" when I pass a car crash or when I hear someone receive bad news. I make the sign of the cross on my forehead when I pass my church in the car-all things my Mother and Aunts do.

But I am not a "holy roller" or someone who pushes my beliefs on others. I find comfort in knowing I am not alone, and that I truly do not have to worry about things because I have faith that I will be taken care of.

I don't know if I am angry about this study or disappointed-would I have been more "See-it works!" if the outcome were different? Would I have tried to use it as proof for those who are on the fence about the power of prayer? I don't know. But I do know I am disappointed that this article could sway the on the fencers in the direction away from prayer.

Here are some of the things I am thinking about:
1. Prayers are answered in many ways. Sometimes what we pray for is not necessarily what we really need and so our prayers look as though they are unanswered-until you look closer and see God's presence in another way.

2. Maybe the 59% of people who had complications were supposed to be sicker-it was their destiny. Or maybe the extra 7% lived horrible lives torturing kittens and so God scourged them. That's the thing about God-He's smarter than us.

3. "Did the patients think, "I am so sick that they had to call in the prayer team?" said Dr Bethea. This is funny. But I have to concedeed that it's a possibility. If I were in the hospital and the doctor came over to me after the surgery and said, "I've called the prayer team. You'll need all the help you can get." I'd be a little anxious. But overall, I think that people find comfort in knowing people are speaking to God on their behalf.

4. I'm sad they spent 2.4 million dollars on this study. First, because faith is not something you can test with aptitude tests-either someone has it or they don't, and the hope they have because of it affects their lives. And second-prayer teams should not cost money. They're going to church anyway. Who did get the money? Did the sick people say, "If those people are going to talk to God on my behalf-I'd better be getting paid damn it!" ???

What are your thoughts? Do the results make you sad for the prayer or do you think it's an insignificant study and that I should not have wasted your time?

Everyone's opinion is welcome here-the only comments that are unwelcome are those that are disrespectfulul in nature.

Sunday, April 02, 2006

Care A Lot

Many of you know that there are 2 things in this world I love doing more than anything: 1. Spending time with my niece Rye Bread and 2. Baking cakes. If I could add a 3rd, it would be baking cakes for Rye Bread.


Her cute little butt is turning 4 in a couple of weeks, and she has requested a Care Bear cake. Pink. It undoubtedly will be chocolate because she is obsessed with it.

So, help me pick which pink Care Bear I should choose...



This is Cheer Bear. She is happy and upbeat and her motto is: When in doubt, SMILE! Her rainbow on her tummy represents hope. Her best friend is Hope Bear.









This is Love A Lot Bear. She is spunky and energetic and the 2 hearts on her tummy represent closeness and the loyalty of true love. She has a crush on Tenderheart Bear.









This is Secret Bear. She is warm, loyal and dependable, and reminds us of the importance of trust between friends. She likes to talk and write in code.







So...who do you think I should choose? I think all 3 bears have a good message and they are all pink. I think I am leaning towards either Cheer Bear or Love A Lot Bear, although she looks like she has to pee...

HELP!!! I know this is a lame post, but c'mon-it's VERY important when you are 4!