Friday, March 17, 2006

How I Survived

One week back from vacation and I survived! Here's how I did it.

1. I was home
2. I was distracted by heartbreak, then hope, then heartbreak, then hope...
3. Boneless spareribs and white rice, 1 cheese calzone and 1 homemade salad with grilled chicken and garlic bread. All of them were on the "Items not allowed on my diet" list, but that's why they were wonderful.
4. Having friends that back me up and agree with things I think and say.
5. Surprise phone calls from a cute boy.
6. Reorganization of all of my paperwork. (Sounds boring, but it's a great feeling to have it done!)
7. Snow-just enough to see but not enough to shovel. Perfecto!
8. Hearing someone say, "I don't care if I call a meeting to count the paperclips-you're going to be here!"
9. Realizing that I hate it when guys use the word "Ladies"..."Hello ladies" or "Excuse me ladies". The only people I ever hear use this are players or doormen. And I guess I don't have anything against doormen...
10. Laughing at myself for falling for the "lowered chair" trick.
11. Brando's funny list
12. I had some really good dreams.
13. Being proud of myself for somehow always coming through.
14. Girls night out scheduled-for celebration or support-to be determined. 15. I'm home.

Have a great weekend everyone!!

Thursday, March 16, 2006

House Broken: Part 18

The room was big, she knew that-but it looked even larger without furniture. When he left, he took even the lamps, and so there she sat, on the floor in the dark, wondering yet again, how this became her life. She tried to convince herself that she would be ok, but as each minute passed, her tears grew heavier as the realization sunk in.

He was gone.

Over the last few months she rationalized with herself, her brain reminding her heart of the damage he caused, coaxing it slowly to harden so that it would never have to feel this way again.

It wasn’t working. She looked around the room they called the “family” room, knowing that the only families to fill it would belong to the new owners.

Never would she watch as her children rounded the corner on Christmas morning, with their curiosity boiling over them like thick, frothy sweet cream. Never would she know the joy of welcoming them home from school with freshly baked cookies before shooing them outside to explore the vast yard or perhaps to ride bikes up and down the hill.

No, the only memories she would remember would be cold and lonely, and the only hope she had was shattered by the man who once helped write her dreams.
And now she sat in the dark, in the room they called the “family room”…alone.

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Must. Stop. Singing.

I was all ready to get log off of this darn 'puter after "next blogging" for a few minutes, BUT the last blog I stopped by had music, and now I can't get the song "My Girl" out of my stinkin head!

So, I've gotta stay for a few more minutes so I can play some tuneage to void that from my re-run memory. Lucky for me Jason Mraz came on first. He's pretty catchy and I can deal with having his songs in my head...

And also? Somehow today my template got changed and when I came home to fix it, I had some trouble. I hate it when that happens.

And also, also? I got stuff I wanna say but won't. And I got stuff I wanna do but can't. And can't is a bad word.

Do you ever say a title of a book or a movie in your head, but you say it in a silly voice? My dad bought me Memoirs of a Geisha when I was sick on vacation because I finished my other book, and I said it in a funny once to my sister...now whenever I pick up the book, I say it that way in my head. I can't stop. It's nuts.

Memwaaaaaahhhs ofa Geisha.

Yeah.

Nite suckaaas. House Broken tomorrow for the first time in a while...

Surface


Do you remember?

The feeling you get when you jump in, feet first, not caring if you fall farther than you planned, not caring if you had enough breath or if your bathing suit would slip free, leaving you exposed in the cool, smooth water?

Do you remember the way you feel when you realize you jumped in too deep and the wave of panic that tingles right down to the toes that touch the rocky bottom?

How long do you linger at that ever distant bottom wondering if you'll make it, tempting fate and your lungs to see how long you can endure?

Not long, I presume, for it's not the lungs that fight and fate is not easily tempted. Shortly after reaching the bottom, it's your soul that sets the feet in motion and your heart that keeps them going.

It's knowing that whatever depth you reached and however far you fell, your only hope for survival is to swim to the surface.

Never forget the feeling of the bottom, because it helps you to keep swimming to the surface.

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Brando to the Rescue

Thanks to Brando, I've got the giggles.

My favorite is "Bitch slap anyone who runs for the exit".

But trust me, by the time you make it to "Scrub all you want, God still saw what you did." you may need to change your underwear.

Thanks Brando-I needed that!!

Socks for Supper

Here's the break down of my breakdown:

  • Told by father, "I'll pay for culinary school!"
  • Believed for the first time in a long time that my dream might come true. I even told people I was going.
  • Met with admissions instructor. Somehow charmed him into not testing me and to simply enroll me for next month's classes.
  • Enrolled for classes. Paid $50 fee.
  • Was told 14 times in a 1/2 hour meeting, "It's REALLY, very, VERY nice to meet you."
  • Had my heart stop and break all at once when I saw the increase in tuition when meeting with financial aid.
  • Kept my cool in the office, pretending it was "No sweat".
  • Called my father on the verge of tears because I knew that he could not afford the new price.
  • Hung up with my father as I entered the office and proceeded to break down in the front door.
  • Bawled for the rest of the day on and off, but mostly on.
  • Woke up even though I didn't want to today.
  • Spent the majority of my day trying to refinance, reconsolidate, searching for grants or scholarships.
  • Applied for a home equity loan.
  • Praying. Begging. Praying. Begging.
  • Holding on the the last drop of hope I have that my dream won't slip away once again.

Pray, beg, pray...I won't know for 3 days. My credit isn't great, I have a mortgage, a car payment, a LARGE student loan, credit card bills, medical bills, and a crappy salary...it's not looking good.

But you know me, I can't give up without a fight....not when I'm this close.

Pray, beg...pray...

Toosdae ?'s

So, um, did you all really miss me like you say you did? If so, welcome me back properly by answering these questions...you KNOW how it makes me smile!

1. Would you rather drive 50 miles with a car full of beeping alarm clocks or drive the same distance with 4 Styrofoam coolers which constantly rub against each other? (I got goose bumps just writing that)

2. When you want to get a pig's attention, you yell "Soooooeeeeee!" (or so "they" say) What should I yell to get YOUR attention? (No, I'm not saying you're a pig)

3. Is there any job that you would do for free? If so, what is it? (Not volunteering on top of a job-this would be your "job")

1. I'd choose the alarm clocks. I do pretty well ignoring them in the morning, so I think I could tune them out while driving. The styro-squeaking torture would permeate my bones and drive me mad.

2. How about, "I love crispy chicken!" or something just as random. The fact that it's SO random would certainly cause me to look at you and then you could wave me over to give me a present. That's why you wanted my attention, right?

3. Theoretically, yes. I would teach children (and adults) how to read for free if I had the means to do so. Realistically, I can't afford to do that though and so I suppose my answer is 'no'.

Monday, March 13, 2006

Family Matters

My sisters read this blog. It makes me happy to know they support me and think I have talent. I love them both very much, and usually have fun with them. I hope that when they read this entry, they see it only as a way of me expressing how I feel and not that I do not love my family-because I do, very, very much...
****************

How many times have you felt like you were born to the wrong parents? I feel like that every day I am with mine.

It seems my Father and I will never connect no matter how hard he tries. He's never said the words "Please forgive me" or "I'm sorry" and even if he did, I'm not sure I'd know how to fully give the forgiveness he'd be asking for. You can't just get back what I lost from my childhood because of his drinking. And for a romantic like me, a childhood is something to be cherished.

My Mother is mean. She's rude and bitter and only talks when she is complaining or saying something rude. She attaches herself to people like her and sucks all of my energy. She didn't used to be like that. She's always been crazy, but in a fun-loving, silly way that made her brilliant; it made her different and special and the other kids envied me because I had a "cool" Mom. But her brilliance faded, her silliness waned, and all that is left is someone with frown lines and broken egg shells for a heart.

I love them both. But I don't feel like I belong.

I'm lonely when I am with them. I feel out of place. I get quiet. I get angry and sad. I feel hollow.

My whole life I've always just been looking for a place to belong because the only place I've known never felt quite right.

The question looms: If not with them, then with whom?

And what is it, exactly, that I should be doing about this feeling? I can't very well disown them. I can't walk away from the 2 people who raised me, however questionable their style was-and simply no longer have parents.

But I also can't confront them. Mostly because I'm a coward who dislikes hurting people, even if it means I am hurting more. I know hearing these words would break their hearts, and that is enough to keep in quiet.

So instead I write, I read, I dream. I live in my head and tolerate, hoping that one day they'll see that the daughter they've both labeled "outgoing" and "a people person" gets quiet only around them...and that they'll wonder if there's something more they can do to stop it from happening.

I just hope it's sooner than later, because everyone deserves to have a happy family...whatever that is.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Color Blind

I think it's weird that I've been getting Entertainment Weekly magazine for over a year now. Why is it weird? Because I've never inquired about getting a subscription and never once paid for it either. No one I know gifted it to me and no company I do business with offers it. But, I enjoy flipping through it and so I don't worry too much about it.

Apparently, my secret magazine dealer wants me to become more...Urban. Which is totally cool-I'm up for learning more about anything, really...but I'd really love to know who ordered me VIBE Magazine.

While I was away I received both January and February's issues, which is also strange b/c it's March. I do know most of the names on the covers of both issues, so I don't feel so lame but here are some of the one's I'll be investigating:

Floetry
Bun B
Remy Ma (She's apparently as nasty as she wants to be)

Hey-it's free, so I don't really care, but it's extremely funny to me that I'm getting these free subscriptions and that they keep multiplying and, well, diversifying!! I wonder how whoever is sending these picks what I get, and where would I have to live to get Red Book or Food and Wine sent to me?

I've gotta run now...I'm going to read about Sanaa Lathan and those Denzel rumors...