Monday, October 16, 2006

Doing What I "Gotta Do"

I'm the girl who harbors hope in my heart. I keep every little precious moment in my soul, hoping that one day, they will amount to something so great that the lock on my heart can never again be closed because of the overwhelming amount of love and joy that is spilling through it.

And I'm also the girl who shoves her feelings down because, "He'll change, he'll realize, or he'll grow to love me" instead of the girl who demands, and seeks out people who never leave me wondering, and who would never want me to be in a constant state of uneasiness.

"Eventually, he will be mine." That is often what I find myself thinking. That if I wait patiently, I'll be worthy of love.

I've found that sometimes, wanting something, or someone, so much clouds your judgment. Forget that-it always does.

On my last trip to Florida, my good friend Ms. A spoke of her latest relationship, mainly, to prove to me that mine was very similar. She suggested, much to my chagrin, that I read, "He's Just Not That Into You."



I found that ironic, because before I even met Mr. CM in person, he told me that he bought it for his sister. And also, because of the author's first name. ;) (And there's a knock off book written by a man with the same first name as a certain person's best friend. Too weird.)

I may have visibly scoffed at her suggestion. "Things are going well right now." I told her. "I think that maybe it's getting better, that he's realizing just how much he cares about me now. I think he's really making an effort to be a part of my life and making me a part of his. That counts for something, right?"

She smirked, the way that only Ms. A can, letting me know what she thought.

Months later, after sharing many wonderful, touching moments with Mr. CM, I found myself completely taken off guard by our breakup. My friends, I am sure, would wonder why I was shocked. Afterall, they were the ones I bounced ideas off of, the ones I asked what they thought a certain gesture meant, or asked to affirm my hopes of "maybe he's finally falling"-time and time again. To be honest, I'm not sure why they didn't bonk me on the head, screaming, "Make it stop!" before now.

It's because they are lovely, that is why.

I found myself so quickly knocked off of my "things are going so well now" train that it took me a couple of weeks to even breath without it hurting. Even now, as I am writing this, I have tears in my eyes. I wonder what went wrong. How we went from 3 super exciting dates in a row when we first met to being 2 people who wanted to keep being around each other to see what happened to 2 people who were finally defined to 2 people who now have to try to find a way to be "just" friends. Especially after all of the trying.

I've been trying everything I can to move on. I'm trying to keep busy (not too hard to do that), trying to get him out of my thoughts, trying to break the habit of wanting to call him first when something good or bad happens, and even trying to get excited about dating other people.

There's been a lot of tears. And a lot of "Snap out of its". And I'm trying to fix some of the things in my life that are broken. And that, no matter what, is a good thing.

And finally, I took my friends advice, and compared my life and relationship with those in the book, "He's Not That Into You".

Liberating? A couple of times.

Helpful? Sure.

Empowering? Yeah.

Confusing? A little bit.

Only because my last relationship didn't include dating a married man, someone who didn't call or spend time with me or someone who didn't want to have sex with me. He even did a damn good job at making me smile, even though sometimes, I know he just wanted to go to sleep.

What the book did do, however, is wipe away all of the trying to decode the actions. Trying to figure out where I stood. Trying to understand why words didn't ever follow the actions.

He just wasn't that into me.

It feels callous to say that. Because I know he cared. I know he still does. And it's my fault really, for not going away when he asked me to the first time. But my hope kept me close, kept me available and my heart kept me hanging on.

This book is funny, it's smart and it's down to earth. It gives perspective on almost all real life scenarios, making me feel that I am not alone...

...That I am not the only silly fool who followed her heart in hope of her love interest having a Hazah! moment.

Here are some things that I wrote down while listening to the book (Yes, I bought the audio book on Itunes-great idea by the way, I recommend it to everyone. Though I miss holding the book, I enjoyed being able to do dishes, dust and fold laundry while listening to someone help me mend my heart)

*You can't change his mind

*If a man really likes a woman, he will do anything in his power to let her know it. He will do anything in his power to make her know that he wants her all to himself. He will not be indifferent.

*Move on with your life, fast, and do whatever you have to to get there.

*Being the cool, easy going girl who wants to be less demanding of a man still gets her feelings hurt. Mainly because by caring so much about his feelings, she suppresses hers.

*100% of men polled who claimed to have a "fear of intimacy" stated that said fear never stopped them from being with a woman they were into.

*There's a guy out there who will want to tell everyone that he is your boyfriend. And he will want you to know it too.

*Any good, mature man should make an attempt to get to know your friends and family.

*Men would rather be trampled by flaming elephants than to tell you that you just aren't the one. That is why it is so important that you ask yourself honestly: Does he make it clear everyday that your happiness means a lot to him?

Something funny:

"Call the cops because someone's had their brain stolen."

"Stinky the Time Waster"

Something Endearing:

"I'd marry my wife in every time zone if that's what she wanted."

Something I needed to hear:

"You shouldn't have to wonder if you have a boyfriend or not. If a dude really likes you, and is really into being with you, he will let you know."

2 Quotes:

"Don't Waste The Pretty"

"It's Your Life-How DARE You Not Believe In It?"

So, Ms. A, I'm sorry I didn't take your advice sooner. Do I think I spent too much time with a Stinky the Time Waster? No. A huge, resounding, from the bottom of my heart NO. Do I value the time we spent together and will I always hold it dear to my heart? Yes.

It's just that now I see, that he just wasn't that into me.

7 comments:

OrioleGal9 said...

I have to admit, that I should have snapped you out of it sooner. I was just hoping that it work out, cause you deserve so much to be happy! You've had your rough loves and I was hoping this one would be the one.

Looking back, I wish I had been stronger and warned you ahead of time.

Mags said...

Oriolegal, I appreciate it. But I'm not really sure I could have listened because I believe in the "miracle" stories. The ones where a girl wins the heart of the one she wants but can't have. I believe in being the one who mended his heart, made him realize, showed him I am different...but now I'm starting to believe in me.

And believing that someone who can love me exists, and that I am worth loving.

Let's just hope someone comes along for me to test out my new sense of "me". (Soon?)

And I was hoping this one would be the one too. It's not your fault, or his, or mine. It's just life.

Anonymous said...

Excellent Post. I am real glad that you feel that you are worth it, because I know that you are and I know that you are one of the most amazing people I have been met.

With regards to the book, I am not 100% sure the book is the best thing for anyone because ultimately it skips the part that says, "If you dance around the subject or make assumptions, it is on you not him." and "Ask him directly and if he doesn't give you an answer you can live with then get out." Men should be able to answer questions directly and if they don't screw them.

Mags said...

Anonymous:

Thank you for saying that I am amazing. It's nice to hear you say that.

And you are right. It is not on him at all. It's on me 100% because I danced. I soaked up the attention and drank in his sweet, caring personality and neglected to ask the questions because I knew he couldn't give me the answer I wanted.

And I wasn't ready to hear it.

Incidentally, it does tell women that we should be able to talk about what we want and that any man who's into you would welcome the discussion.

I know he would have welcomed discussions. He always, always did, and still does. But it was me. I wasn't ready to see that when faced with the questions, the answers I wanted to come out of his cute mouth just wouldn't be there.

Because he's true. He is honest. And he would never tell me something that isn't simply because he would never want to hurt me.

What the book did do, was make me see that the nice things he did for me didn't mean he loved me.
It made me start to see that I can't look at everything as a sign that he's falling in love with me. Because the reality is, if he was, it would have already happened.

Thank you for commenting on the post.

the108 said...

First off.... I'm into you. Sure, I can't make your headboard rattle, but I dig ya just the same :-)

I'm going out later today to pick up this book. I'm married to a man that I don't think is into me at all. Sigh.

Mags said...

Well, 108, you sure as heck make my keyboard rattle!

And c'mon, Dean? Please. He's way into you.

Right?

Segue said...

Although I've been curious, I haven't read the book for obvious reasons (not the least being that I wouldn't want to be caught reading a book titled "He's Just Not That Into You").

I will, however, share a truism:

Every relationship you will ever be in will end badly... Except the last one.

Chew that over for a minute.

It's not a bad thing, it only means that they're all "practice", in the sense that each one teaches you new lessons about yourself and what you value in a relationship. And hopefully you make some good friends along the way.