Monday, September 18, 2006

Changing Course

Just 5 more minutes...I'll do that tomorrow...the grass can be mowed on Wednesday...I won't do my hair today.

I used to have a routine. I used to be structured and organized and know where everything was.

My floors were always vacuumed, and I cleaned every room in my house every Saturday before doing fun things.

The laundry was always folded, and there was never any soap scum.

My hair-well, I never did my hair every day...

My life after Jamie became more about doing the things that I wanted to-because I could-but not necessarily the things I should do. Responsibilities fell through the cracks of my life, leaving me with stacks of clutter in every room-something Jamie was famous for yelling about.

A declaration of independence? Perhaps at first. But now, it's out of lack of structure and laziness. And bad habits.

Most people would say I am a very organized person. Some, depending on when and where they knew me, would say anal. Always-people tell me I look put together, and calm.

I chuckle to those people. If they only knew.

As many people have discovered, I am an all or nothing kind of girl. I don't want to be. I simply hate the gray areas. I'm patient, yes, but there is a certain point in which my inner soul cries out and I project a vibe that says, "No more gray!" Someday, somewhere, someone will feel the same way.

I like adventures and spontaneous trips to no where. But on vacations I like to plan. I like to have reservations so I ensure that I get a taste of a famous menu, or seats in the front row. Call me crazy, but some things need to be planned in order not to miss them.

Other moments you couldn't plan if you tried.

In my everyday personal life, I need structure. I need lists and rules made by me and followed by me. I need to set daily goals for myself and thank God every night for the things He let me see that day.

And I need to do my hair.

Without my rules my house is a mess. I run late. I forget my lunch and wear wrinkled clothes. People ask me if I'm ok or tell me I look tired.

It's because I've lost control.

It's sad but exhilarating to me when I go into my reflective state-when I feel a loss and grow, I remember who I am, and why I am me. I remember why I need structure and how much I can let go before I spin. I begin to feel confident again. And happy. And alive.

People often marvel at how quickly I get back up. With Matt and with Jamie both-people showered me with compliments about how strong I was, and how I inspired them. It's good to hear. But also, a fact of my life.

I need structure because I need to feel control.

I get up because I need to survive.

These are two major characteristic of adult children of alcoholics, and two major things I am reading about and discussing in therapy. The good news is that I know these things on my own, and just need to be reminded.

The bad news is that every now and then I need to be reminded. These should be ingrained in me by now. They are my thoughts, my feelings, my strengths, and I should not need verbal affirmation from anyone but myself to remember that every now and then, everyone falls, and everyone lets their grass grow. And they are still good people.

I'll get there because I want to. I'll make it because I survive. The difference now is, I know it's ok to cry. And I will, and I do, and then I go on.

And that is the best feeling in the world.


OrioleGal9 said...

Call me anytime you need to be reminded!

Love ya girl!

You are a true survivor.

Mags said...

Thanks OG. You're the best.

the108 said...

OMG.... I could have written this!!!!

My husband says I am the only o.c.d person on the planet who has a sink full of dishes. However, I have made a list of what to wash in what

Mags said...

Oh thank GOD I'm not the only one!!!! Thanks for the comment 108!

Don't forget to tell us if Dean's work will let him off or not!!