Monday, March 13, 2006

Family Matters

My sisters read this blog. It makes me happy to know they support me and think I have talent. I love them both very much, and usually have fun with them. I hope that when they read this entry, they see it only as a way of me expressing how I feel and not that I do not love my family-because I do, very, very much...

How many times have you felt like you were born to the wrong parents? I feel like that every day I am with mine.

It seems my Father and I will never connect no matter how hard he tries. He's never said the words "Please forgive me" or "I'm sorry" and even if he did, I'm not sure I'd know how to fully give the forgiveness he'd be asking for. You can't just get back what I lost from my childhood because of his drinking. And for a romantic like me, a childhood is something to be cherished.

My Mother is mean. She's rude and bitter and only talks when she is complaining or saying something rude. She attaches herself to people like her and sucks all of my energy. She didn't used to be like that. She's always been crazy, but in a fun-loving, silly way that made her brilliant; it made her different and special and the other kids envied me because I had a "cool" Mom. But her brilliance faded, her silliness waned, and all that is left is someone with frown lines and broken egg shells for a heart.

I love them both. But I don't feel like I belong.

I'm lonely when I am with them. I feel out of place. I get quiet. I get angry and sad. I feel hollow.

My whole life I've always just been looking for a place to belong because the only place I've known never felt quite right.

The question looms: If not with them, then with whom?

And what is it, exactly, that I should be doing about this feeling? I can't very well disown them. I can't walk away from the 2 people who raised me, however questionable their style was-and simply no longer have parents.

But I also can't confront them. Mostly because I'm a coward who dislikes hurting people, even if it means I am hurting more. I know hearing these words would break their hearts, and that is enough to keep in quiet.

So instead I write, I read, I dream. I live in my head and tolerate, hoping that one day they'll see that the daughter they've both labeled "outgoing" and "a people person" gets quiet only around them...and that they'll wonder if there's something more they can do to stop it from happening.

I just hope it's sooner than later, because everyone deserves to have a happy family...whatever that is.


One who listens said...

God gives us a family who are not perfect so that we will yearn for the perfection of family life which exists in heaven.

Even the best family pales in comparison to that. :)

It's also a great opportunity to love someone in spite of all their annoying ways. No-one can get to you quite as thoroughly as a family member.

Having said that, I've been very lucky with my family, although my mum tends to wind up my girlfriend a *lot*.

I find that defending people to the point of irrationality tends to combat the snide comments by my mother. Maybe you could try that? :)


Mags said...

I've tried really hard Owl to do that too. But at a certain point, I'd just like to have normal parents who I don't have to try so hard with...ya know?

Hamel said...

Love them because of their faults; they need love more than "normal" parents.

That said, time away can make the times with them more palatable, I suppose.

C-Unit said...

I guess you could say I feel about mom how you feel about dad. I cant always understand your feelings for dad because I feel closer to him. I love mom and even like her sometimes but she gets to me!!!

Maybe you should tell them how you feel even if it may hurt them. Not even for your own good but theirs. Maybe they will step back and take a look. I know I have tried that, maybe if you do they will realize I am not the only one.

Time away is not the answer. Not coming to a couple Sunday dinners may help you...who knows. You would regret it if you stopped coming around. They will not be here forever.

Mags said...

Hamel, I know this is the right answer.

But what about me? I need love too and I know they love me...but sometimes I just don't feel it when I'm with them.

And don't worry Cunit, I'm not going to disappear.

Hamel said...

Love for loving, not for being loved back. I hate to say that, but that's the only way to love - to give. Give enough and eventually you'll get paid back in spades.

You deserve it back, but unfortunately when it comes to love, *deserve* has nothing to do with it.

I hope I'm not being insensitive, Mags.

Mags said...

No, Hamel. Not insensitive.

It's the way I feel too-I know that it is the only way.

Give without thought of return.

It's really how I feel. I guess though because they are my parents-I feel like they should be the ones giving more.

I feel like an awful child for even saying that. But I suppose that's the reality of it. I'm angry because they aren't more like other parents.

They've made drastic errors and are lazy, un-involved parents and I'm angry that they didn't do more.

And now I'm an angry adult because I can recognize it and also because they are jerks. ;)

I suppose I will never get a resolution because they are my parents, I do love them, and dis-owning them-though I may joke about it-will never be an option.

Love without thought of return.

I just wish they weren't so damn rude.

kristarella said...

I guess you should love without thought of return but if something is detrimental to you then I don't know that you have to keep doing it. I know that you will never dump your parents as one might a horrible friend. I guess we just have to think of our definition of love. If not being near someone because you know it will cause trouble or pain or whatever is the best thing then that is the kind of love you should show them... not that I'm saying you shouldn't be near your parents, I don't know them. I think you should gently tell them how you feel. One cannot improve if one does not know there is something to improve.