My sisters read this blog. It makes me happy to know they support me and think I have talent. I love them both very much, and usually have fun with them. I hope that when they read this entry, they see it only as a way of me expressing how I feel and not that I do not love my family-because I do, very, very much...
How many times have you felt like you were born to the wrong parents? I feel like that every day I am with mine.
It seems my Father and I will never connect no matter how hard he tries. He's never said the words "Please forgive me" or "I'm sorry" and even if he did, I'm not sure I'd know how to fully give the forgiveness he'd be asking for. You can't just get back what I lost from my childhood because of his drinking. And for a romantic like me, a childhood is something to be cherished.
My Mother is mean. She's rude and bitter and only talks when she is complaining or saying something rude. She attaches herself to people like her and sucks all of my energy. She didn't used to be like that. She's always been crazy, but in a fun-loving, silly way that made her brilliant; it made her different and special and the other kids envied me because I had a "cool" Mom. But her brilliance faded, her silliness waned, and all that is left is someone with frown lines and broken egg shells for a heart.
I love them both. But I don't feel like I belong.
I'm lonely when I am with them. I feel out of place. I get quiet. I get angry and sad. I feel hollow.
My whole life I've always just been looking for a place to belong because the only place I've known never felt quite right.
The question looms: If not with them, then with whom?
And what is it, exactly, that I should be doing about this feeling? I can't very well disown them. I can't walk away from the 2 people who raised me, however questionable their style was-and simply no longer have parents.
But I also can't confront them. Mostly because I'm a coward who dislikes hurting people, even if it means I am hurting more. I know hearing these words would break their hearts, and that is enough to keep in quiet.
So instead I write, I read, I dream. I live in my head and tolerate, hoping that one day they'll see that the daughter they've both labeled "outgoing" and "a people person" gets quiet only around them...and that they'll wonder if there's something more they can do to stop it from happening.
I just hope it's sooner than later, because everyone deserves to have a happy family...whatever that is.