1. Instead of yelling, "Mags, are you there?" when you are 2 feet from my cube, simply walk over and say hello. You will be received in a much warmer fashion, and I will want to stab your eyes out with my letter opener in 5 minutes as opposed to only 1.
2. Try looking for something yourself. If you ask me where the legal paper is while you are practically standing on the box one more time, I'm going to punish you by giving you legal sized paper cuts all over your face. When you ask where the bandaids are, I'm going to laugh.
3. If you neglect to do your job, do not expect me to run to your rescue. I'm not the one who forgot to submit something. Why should I be the one to stress? HINT: You're not the most important person in the universe, and though you may think so, Adam didn't give up a rib so that I could be your slave.
4. Wash your hands. You touch things that I have to touch-'nough said.
5. If you tell me, "Mags, here's everything for today" and walk away-I have to believe that's the truth. But you'd better believe that when I walk over to the file and see that it's full and 15 customers missed out because of your stupidity-you'd also better believe I'm going to kick your ass.
6. I know. It was warm out today. I know. It was warm out today. I know. I was warm out today. I know. It was warm out today. I know it was warm out today. I know. It was warm out today. Annoying isn't it?
7. Here's the thing. Goggles and rain gear are not the standard uniform in our office. Fucking chew with your mouth closed and DO NOT TALK TO ME UNTIL YOU SWALLOW!
8. I'm not trying to take your job. I'm trying to take the open one. It's part time, nights, you work full time, days. There's no need to spit daggers.
9. It should be illegal to charge $2.50 per gallon of oil. It should also be illegal to let a customer believe that they still have their "locked in" rate so they take your delivery instead of another companies. $528 to heat a 918 sq. foot home is ridiculous. Especially when it's just me.
10. I love a parade.
Thank you for listening. I feel so much better already! (And I saved $100/hr. Too bad I can't go buy shoes)