Monday, January 09, 2006

Therapeutic Rant Session

1. Instead of yelling, "Mags, are you there?" when you are 2 feet from my cube, simply walk over and say hello. You will be received in a much warmer fashion, and I will want to stab your eyes out with my letter opener in 5 minutes as opposed to only 1.

2. Try looking for something yourself. If you ask me where the legal paper is while you are practically standing on the box one more time, I'm going to punish you by giving you legal sized paper cuts all over your face. When you ask where the bandaids are, I'm going to laugh.

3. If you neglect to do your job, do not expect me to run to your rescue. I'm not the one who forgot to submit something. Why should I be the one to stress? HINT: You're not the most important person in the universe, and though you may think so, Adam didn't give up a rib so that I could be your slave.

4. Wash your hands. You touch things that I have to touch-'nough said.

5. If you tell me, "Mags, here's everything for today" and walk away-I have to believe that's the truth. But you'd better believe that when I walk over to the file and see that it's full and 15 customers missed out because of your stupidity-you'd also better believe I'm going to kick your ass.

6. I know. It was warm out today. I know. It was warm out today. I know. I was warm out today. I know. It was warm out today. I know it was warm out today. I know. It was warm out today. Annoying isn't it?

7. Here's the thing. Goggles and rain gear are not the standard uniform in our office. Fucking chew with your mouth closed and DO NOT TALK TO ME UNTIL YOU SWALLOW!

8. I'm not trying to take your job. I'm trying to take the open one. It's part time, nights, you work full time, days. There's no need to spit daggers.

9. It should be illegal to charge $2.50 per gallon of oil. It should also be illegal to let a customer believe that they still have their "locked in" rate so they take your delivery instead of another companies. $528 to heat a 918 sq. foot home is ridiculous. Especially when it's just me.

10. I love a parade.

Thank you for listening. I feel so much better already! (And I saved $100/hr. Too bad I can't go buy shoes)


One who listens said...

1. How about asking if you are there from about three thousand miles away?

2. I don't use legal paper. I use A4. Does that mean that all my letters are illegal?

3. I solemnly swear not to blame you when a server goes down, and I can't find the backup tape.

4. I went to a pub on Saturday in North London, and the amount of "walkers" (as opposed to "washers") staggered me. I even told a young lad in the cinema toilets to wash his hands when he tried to leave without doing so, but he ignored me.

5. Mags: I've loads left for today.

6. I assume you're close to the entrance. :) I hide by the back, and the amount of words I hear in a day at the office is probably in the low thousands. They very rarely mention the weather, though. Unless it rains heavily, then the roof acts like an amplifier, and it sounds like marbles coming down rather than raindrops.

7. The solution to this one is to rear back in disgust and cover your face with your hands when they approach. When they look in amazement, say "Didn't your mother teach you to chew with your mouth closed?"

8. No offense, but the commute for you to do my job would give your jet lag jet lag. ;)

9. Wow! $2.50 per gallon of oil! How cheap is that! We pay about $7 per gallon in the UK.

10. I remember sitting outside my garndma's bathroom and watching the carnival go past. *happy sigh*


Mags said...

Owl: I know I've said this before, but you simply delight me!