Monday, January 23, 2006

Dear Maggie: Reversed

Stacks of people I once knew
sit in boxes,
red and blue.

Places I once have been...
I remember you
once again.

Why is it that things you do not want to remember just won't fall out of your head but other memories slip listlessly away, never to be recalled again, no matter how hard you try.

Something in my environment today reminded me of a terrible memory. And hearing the words in my head brought back the same sinking feeling that I had when they originally jammed themselves into my ears, and apparently, my heart. And a few things bother me about that.

First, I do not know what it was that I heard...smelled...that made this memory resurface, and so I can't avoid it the next time it's around.

Second, this memory still has power. How do I disarm it? Especially when I thought that it was pretty much already dead?

Third, I don't want to stop remembering good things about people who hurt me. I like that I can do this and that other people have told me it inspires them to try to do the same. I like that by keeping the happy memories, I remember a time when someone was also happy...but keeping good memories sometimes reminds me of the bad ones, and I'm not sure I want to keep skirting around them.

So what now? I threw out some pictures today, and I didn't initially want to do that, but seeing the face of someone who hurt me after the memory resurfaced freaked me out a little bit.

How can I keep remembering good things and not necessarily forget the bad, but take the power away from them and convert it to strength in me?


One who listens said...

I don't know how to take the power out of old memories.

If you do figure it out, I would really appreciate it if you'd let me know.

I find that a poor memory is a God-send sometimes. :)


kristarella said...

Speaking of God, pray and ask him to do it (if you believe in the power of prayer).

I don't know how to remove the badness of these memories either but I'm hoping that it has something to do with reconciling with the person or place or activity that hurt you. I'm in the long process of doing uch a thing.