What a year 2005 has been. It's been a tremendous year for growth and change, and definitely a year of patience. I've acquired new relationships and strengthened many old ones; laughed more than I can remember and loved so much that at times it bursts right out of me.
I learned how it feels to let my laughter free (without restraint) and embraced my downfalls. I've learned more about other people and what it is like to love someone for all that they are-and are not. I've learned how to change a toilet seat, drain a basement full of water and hook up a sink.
I've lived, for over a year, alone. And though at times, it is hard to be brave and it is hard to have no one here to hug me when I'm down or to look at me and just "know" I've had a bad day, I survived. I've taught persistence and strength to people I did not even realize knew I existed and lent my strength out to friends who were short of it.
I've lived. I've loved. And that's more than I could have hoped for...here's to hope and lots more tomorrows. Happy 2006 everyone!
January: I learned what a P trap is and how to dismantle and install a bathroom sink and vanity. I also learned that men in plumbing and home improvement stores are very intimidated by a girl who knows what she is talking about. I also overcame the physical fear of falling asleep in a dark and empty house.
February: Family cruise to Mexico! Fantastic fun in the sun. Went to my first nude beach (though I didn't get neked). Sang Kareoke for the first time in public and bought a major piece of art at an on board auction-and promptly returned it afterwards. (A pencil signed Dali) Briefly dated a boy who was balding. (Gasp!)
March: Dated a boy who was 6'6". Went to a ham and bean (I was wondering why the Hammonds had a bean dinner and I wasn't invited!!)benefit dinner. Bought a brand new silver Saturn.
April: DISNEY TRIP! Surprised Git Er Dunn with a treasure hunt/trivia hunt with the last clue telling him I'd be in the audience at his school's chorus performance at Walt Disney World. Proved how "007-ish" I really am with my dark glasses and my astounding ability to quickly duck behind trash cans and ice cream counters.
May: Met Mr. CM for the first time. Made a fool of myself by picking the scariest movie on the planet for our first date movie. Also thought for some reason he had a freckle identical to mine on his right ear, proving to myself that I must stop looking for "it must be fate" moments. Saw John Edward in "concert" and felt the most amazing energy I've ever felt in a room before.
June: I told God off. Blatantly. I told Him I was not ok with what he dealt me and that it was not fair and that I deserved to be happy just like everyone else. I learned that our souls pray for things even before we think them. Wrote a letter saying "It's not ok" to forget about me.
July: Had the most amazing birthday I've ever had because of my family and friends and Mr. CM. Started this blog in secret thinking it would be short lived and not successful. Went tubing with my sisters and laughed harder than I've ever laughed in public-while in the water.
August: I'm sure I was smiling and laughing. I had a good summer. I think this is the month I was presented with the skull and cross bones on my lawn mower.
September: Realized once again that I have no control over certain things and the only way to cope is to have faith and hope and to continue to focus on the positives.
October: Was thankful for my friend Skinny Pete when he once again came to my rescue during a catastrophe. Most thankful that HE waded through the knee deep mucky water in my basement and allowed me to stay at the top of the stairs and remain dry.
November: Tried my darndest to write a novel. Began posting "House Broken" and got so much positive feedback that I continue it every Thursday. E-friendships blossomed and I got to know 2 of you better.
December: Participated in Lantern Light tours at Mystic Seaport, reminding me how wonderful it is to perform for people. Rejoiced that I was not sick the week before Christmas. Was reminded yet again how wonderful my friends are.
Financially she knew she could not stay in the house alone after he left. Though they had not yet talked about what she would keep and what he would keep, she was certain he would be fair when it came to the house. Her concern was that her father, who had handed them land without hesitation, would be upset at the prospect of it now leaving the family.
The home was an ego boosting build, boasting four bedrooms and two and a half baths. There was a formal dining room and living room with an oversized family room and eat-in kitchen. Upon entering the home, many people could not believe that a couple so young owned it. The walls were richly painted in slate colored greens and buttery yellows. Warm hard wood floors flanked the foyer and thick velvety sage carpeting wound its way up the stairs. In the kitchen, a large double window over looked the Connecticut River. They also had a perfect view of the Essex Steam Train, a local attraction; the consistant whistling reminded them of their time in Florida.
Her heart ached at the thought of losing the house; at the thought of all of the dreams that made up each nook and cranny; each little bit of character that came through when they designed the plans. It wasn’t so about the house, but the knowledge that though dreams may come true, they do not always last. Like the spot in her heart, which she once reserved for him, the house they built on dreams would also soon be empty.
Sometimes it is hard to be brave. Today, that means it's harder to be alone. And I know. There are 16 of you who are saying, "You're not alone". And I know that. I do. But I am.
I live alone. I sleep alone. I wake up alone. I eat alone. I read alone. I sit and wonder about life alone. I worry about the house alone. I take care of the garbage alone. I clean out the closets alone. I replace the toilet paper less than you because I am alone.
When I need a hug, there's no one here to give it and when I just need someone to look at me and know that all I need is a smile, or to sit in silence and hear another human breath, there is no one breathing.
And somedays it doesn't matter. And somedays it is better this way. But somedays, like today, it would be really great to have someone smile at me and let me listen to their breathing.
I've realized that I am a much more social person than I ever thought. I enjoy being alone and I enjoy quiet time and I enjoy being able to leave my clothes on the floor or eat Berry Berry Kix for dinner instead of making chicken.
But I miss the interaction that goes with having someone to live with. I miss having support and miss knowing that although it snowed 6 feet I'll have someone to help, or that if the roof caves in I'll have someone's shoulder to cry on AND we'll fix the situation together.
And what's funny about all of this is that I've never had this kind of relationship. My ex-husband did little else but work and Jamie was, well, nuts. He created more drama than any house in the country could. So how can I miss something I've never had?
I think this is coming from the fact that my home owners insurance denied the claim I submitted for the flood and I am stuck with an $800 bill and an oil tank that is threatening to run out of oil. And it's no one's responsibility but mine. And that's both exhilarating and scary.
Which is why I said that sometimes it's hard to be brave.
Everyone's had bad breath. Whether you ate onions on your sandwich for lunch or your meatballs are repeating-you've been there. Usually in these cases, you are aware of your foul breath and often mask it with a curiously strong mint or some gum.
And then there's the breath that you don't know you have. The cotton mouthed "I need a drink of water" breath. This is when true friendships are revealed...when instead of letting you plod through your day offending people with your stanky cotton breath, they tell you to brush your teeth or eat a mint. These friends should promptly be elevated in status, as everyone knows how hard it is to tell someone they stink.
There are times though, when I can not understand how someone can NOT know their breath is rank. Take, for instance, the "breath so bad I can smell it in when I pass your office" breath. I don't really think that I need to elaborate on this, however, for the sake of elongating this post, I will.
If your office smells like your rancid breath, you know it's time to brush your teeth.
If, when passing your office on the way to another location I can smell your rancid breath, it's time to invest in some mints.
If having a conversation with you requires a gas mask, it's time to get some gum.
And also, that smell lingers. I don't know how you do it, but, Bravo! You managed to somehow get your smelly breath to last, and last and last...well after you've left the building. Perhaps you are in the wrong line of work.
But here's my question to you, my smelly mouthed friend-even if you don't know that your breath is the source, don't you wonder what the smell is when you walk back into your office?!
Why aren't you tearing that sucker up trying to find moldy cheese or a leftover lunch container? How can you not be spraying cans and cans of air freshener and scrubbing your desk furiously trying to eliminate that God awful smell?
Cure your Post Christmas Depression by answering some of these here questions...ok...cure MY PCD by answering these questions! >8-)
1. Would you rather have to hunt and gather all of your food or put all of your meals in a blender before eating it?
2. Would you rather be kept in the dark as long as possible about bad news or would you want to know up front and get it over with?
3. Do you have to return/exchange any gifts this year? What gift will you NOT be keeping and who gave it to you?
1. The thought of a liquefied steak dinner makes me a little queasy, but hunting and gathering all of my meals would be difficult, mainly because I can't see myself cleaning what I kill. I mean, have you READ Clan of the Cave Bear?! 2. I like the idea of going through life without struggle and conflict, however the feeling you get when you realize someone's been lying to you all along to "protect" you is one of the worst feelings in the world and I do not ever want to feel that pain again. So, I say, "Bad news-bring it on!" (Hopefully none of you have any for me.) 3. I had to return a coffee maker that my parents bought for me. I wanted one that brewed 1-2 cups of coffee at a time. It came with 2 travel mugs so that I could easily brew my java while in the shower and drink it on my way to work. My mother bought a Pod coffee maker that requires special tea bag-like "pods" and brews like, an espresso sized cup of coffee. The worst part is that the one I want is not in stock and so now I have to search Connecticut for my coffee maker. They did do well with all of the other gifts though, so I can't REALLY complain!
The billboard intrigued me. Scattered from Hartford to Stamford, they simply say, "Operation Respect" and show the site, www.cutthebull.org.
Without even going to the website, I began thinking about how much better the world would be if everyone respected their neighbors.
If everyone turned to their left and smiled at a stranger-even if (and especially if) they were shorter than you, fatter than you, browner or redder than you, if they walked with a limp or talked with a lisp-the world would be a better place.
If everyone helped a stranger by holding a door, carrying a bag or offering a seat, I suspect we'd see more smiles than frowns.
If you start, I'll start, and he'll start and we'll start, and then everyone will forget what it was like to NOT be respecting and appreciating and loving and caring.
Respect. It has your back.
Check out the website. Even if you are not from Connecticut (Or the United States even) the concept is wonderful. I was shocked to read that 160K students stay home from school everyday simply because of bullies. I love that this program is geared toward children-but hope that adults embrace it as well.