Polka dotted passion
leaves my heart still…
However will I manage
To get this place filled?
Flies in the attic
Speak volumes of my life…
Empty boxes overflow;
Telling my tale of an ex-wife.
Broken trophies, stolen trinkets,
paintings torn to shreds…
They give my soul redemption-
keep reminders in my head.
Spanish tiles line my walls-
Insulate my brain…
Thoughts of broken wings and things
make me go insane.
I’m dreaming of colors
not yet made,
yet learning to embrace
the many shades of gray…
Saturday, August 20, 2005
Polka dotted passion
Friday, August 19, 2005
I had to call the security idiots to come help me.
First of all-who gives a 4 hour window?! Not even the cable company, I'd say. In fact, my company happens to give service windows on a daily basis, and ours is a 2 hour time frame-and we're only talking photographs-no security issues at all. Whatever. I chose 8am-Noon.
So yesterday morning I got up around 7:30am. Because I didn't want to be in the shower when the doorbell rang, I decided I would call the company to find out if they at least knew where the drivers were starting. If they were starting an hour away, I'd know I had enough time to shower.
So, Laquisha or something like that answers the phone-I can already tell just by the yawn in her voice that she hates her job. Great. Giving her the benefit of the doubt, I say:
Me:"Hi, I have an appointment today between 8-12 and was wondering if you could tell me where I fell in that slot."
Just like that. Really. She just said "No." without anything else. "No."
Me: "Um. Ok. There's no way of finding out where they are at least starting their route today?"
Laquisha: "No ma'am. There's no way of knowing that. There's not like, sum list or suttin'"
Me: "Ok. Can I please have the number to the local office?"
Laquisha: "They don't take dierect calls, n if they did....there's no list."
She said that kinda snotty like too. With just the right amount of pause before saying, "there's not list" to piss me off.
Me: "Reeeally. Ok. Thanks."
And I hung up. Now, I happen to KNOW they take direct calls, because I've spoken to them. Whatever. So now I'm angry. So I call back. I'm pretty sure my friend Laquisha answered again, but I can't be sure, so let's just pretend it was her again, k?
Me: (Really sweet voice) Hi...I have an appointment for today, but I have to cancel it. I feel bad though-are you going to be able to get in touch with your guys to let them know they don't have to drive all the way here?"
Laquisha: "Yes ma'am, that's not a problem, we kin let them know."
Damn right you can call them. Bitch.
The problem is that they control my security system, and know all of my codes. I am not fucking with them.
But wait! There's more!
So I didn't shower. Because, well, read above...and at like, 11am I'm still waiting. And my phone rings and it's my security system rep. He says, "Did you get my message?" I didn't, and so I told him that. He said, "Oh. I left you a message." He didn't. He also didn't call. I have caller ID on both phones. Anyway, he tried telling me he could help me over the phone. Which he couldn't-we'd already tried that. He was mad. You know why? Because "the people who answer the phones" overbooked them and they are running late. He was hoping to cancel.
Now I'm really angry. First I had to talk to yawny Laquisha who lied to me, and now Jeremy my rep lied to me and is trying to say he can't get someone here.
I fought back and I won. However....
When the doorbell rang, Mr. Ghetto superstar hisself walked (or limped) into my house. What happened to polo shirts with company logos and khaki pants? Especially for people who are coming to fix an ALARM system. I mean-us scaredy cats don't really appreciate thugs knowing our passwords. And he was pretty thuggish. I mean, I would not run from him on the street, but I certainly stayed near my cell phone and knew where my back up mag lite was.
So when he asked me what my password was, I hesitated.
Don't get me wrong, he was very polite. Though I really, really hate it when kids who grew up in the north talk like they are from the south just because they think it's cool, or ghetto or whatever it means-it's lame. He did use my name several times and he was able to tell me what was wrong...
Just, well, maybe for a few days I'll still sleep with my mag lite in my hands and not under the pillow...just until he forgets my code.
In an effort to speak in ghettoese, I had to call little sissy mags and her friends who assured me that the above phrase is, in fact, a ghetto goodbye. I am sooo lame.
Thursday, August 18, 2005
Such problems, I tell ya.
We're an eclectic circle, the 3 of us, but somehow, we always, always, always, have fun, and manage to be laughing louder than anyone else. What can be better than that?
Anyway, we finally got together again tonight. Though we see each other 5 days a week, it's hard to really talk about what's on our minds, mainly because we're bitches and talk about everyone we work with. There comes a time when the side of your cheek starts to hurt because you're doing that, "I'm gonna talk out of the side of my mouth so no one sees me talking" talk. Yeah. We know. It doesn't really work. Needless to say, it was nice to be able to vent on neutral ground.
I love just watching and listening to the 2 of them. They crack me up.
Judy is the sweetest person in the world. I always describe her and her family as being like people "used to be". You know, when people were kind to each other, and decent and had pure hearts. Really. They once gave me entire wing of their home during a holiday. They are my protectors-my shield when life gets too painful or scary. Judy, though, is a total wingnut. She's spunky and silly and completely off the wall sometimes, which makes her entirely delightful. She also has the uncanny ability to make you feel like the tiniest little thing you've done is the most significantly wonderful thing in the world. It's great.
Megan is the one of the coolest people I know. Not like trendy cool or like, "I'm an average person but I'm trying to be cool" cool. More like, really cool. Like cool to the bone-"I was born this way" cool. You know the type. She's also one of the easiest people to talk to about anything-and I mean anything in the world. Mainly because she knows TONS of stuff about everything. And if she doesn't know about it, she knows someone who does. And, what's completely and utterly amazing about her is that she and her husband got married when they were 19, built a house on a family farm and are raising 4-5 beautifully well rounded, smart girls. And she looks 30. And also, she's an awesome mix between sassy, sarcastic and sweet. It's not unlike Megan (who's like, the BEST seamstress EVER) to just whip up some pillows for someone before work b/c the pattern reminded her of them. Yeah. She's cool.
So, I got to spend hours just listening to these 2. Just soaking in their quirky goodness and I realized how lucky I was to have them as my friends. And not only that-but I get to see them practically everyday. And...AND we still like each other.
Sometimes it's good to be me.
Wednesday, August 17, 2005
1. I don't like milk.
2. I love cows. I think they have pretty eyes.
3. I love tequila.
4. I have a LOUD laugh, and laugh often.
5. I sneeze even louder.
6. I want to go to culinary school.
7. I like abstract art.
8. I am left-handed.
9. I am terrible at keeping in touch.
10. I call dateable men, "Boys".
11. I own my own home. All by myself.
12. I still don't think of myself as a grown up.
13. I recently discovered that I like flamingos.
14. I worked for Walt Disney World.
15. When I don't feel emotionally strong enough, I fake it.
16. When people say, "What are you thinking?" most of the time I wasn't thinking about anything.
17. I have a terrible short term memory, but can remember almost every birthday or little insignificant detail I am told or observe.
18. I have a strong spiritual connection to God and to others.
19. I start projects and never finish them, but when I decide I want to do something, really do something, it gets done right away.
20. I do not like to sweat.
21. I am afraid of snakes.
22. My favorite smells are fresh lemon, garlic and olive oil sauteing, autumn air, clean boys after they hike and Drakkar.
23. I don't really like chocolate a lot.
24. I get headaches, and they make me zone out.
25. I used to be able to sing.
26. I love the Red Sox. Even when they lose.
27. I have Endometriosis and went through fertility treatments. I do not have any children.
28. Christmas is my favorite holiday.
29. I find joy in very small things, and that makes people look at me funny, but I don't care anymore.
30. I can play the flute and the piccolo.
31. I marched in a Civil War Reenactors parade at Old Sturbridge Village.
32. I've met Rosa Parks.
33. People say my best feature is my smile, but I think it's my eyes.
34. I can type like, a billion words a minute.
35. I am divorced.
36. I hate gardening, but am embarrassed to not have flowers in my yard, so I planted some. I now wish I didn't.
37. I sometimes hold back because I don't want people to dislike me.
38. I love wearing sweaters/sweatshirts, especially with turtlenecks under them, even though they are out of style.
39. I don't like football, but love the season and the sound of a live game in the fall.
40. I like animals but can't seem to cope with having them for pets.
41. People tell me I am caring and giving, but I often times feel shallow and cold.
42. I always thought I was uncool, but looking back at photos of college made me realize I always had a lot of cool friends, and was cool too.
43. I am afraid that my parents hate each other, even though I am an adult and live on my own.
44. I envy both of my sisters-for different reasons.
45. I write poetry that I never share with people. Especially the ones I write it for.
46. I'm a nark for someone.
47. I didn't drink until college.
48. I feel uncreative almost everyday, but feel that people expect me to be creative so I come up with something and am always surprised when people like it.
49. I am almost always too hard on myself.
50. I am impatient with some people and too patient with others.
51. I am the most loyal person most people have met.
52. I hate feet.
53. I can cook, but I can't, for the life of me, make fudge.
54. I am enthralled with deviance.
55. I've failed college level classes before. 1 time it was on purpose.
56. I love "Little House on the Prairie"
57. I could live on cheese.
58. I get frustrated when people can't speak English, but find it very hard to learn another language myself.
59. I like crunchy French fries.
60. I didn't like my dad until I moved to Florida.
61. I hate to be pruney.
62. I'm good being on my own, but want to find my lobster soon.
63. I once stole an eyeliner from Caldor in high school. I still have it.
64. I love the summer sound of those humming bugs-it reminds me of going to my Nana's house when I was little.
65. I like to look in people's windows when I drive by them at night.
66. I like to bite things. Texture is wonderful.
67. I live in my own head a lot.
68. I can clean a house in 1/2 hour if no one bothers me.
69. I like the smell of skunks. When I smell one, it reminds me of my grandfather.
70. One of my favorite things to look at is sunlight shining through trees in the woods.
71. ...Though I can't help but follow...Keep it loose, keep it tight, change girl to boy, and you've got it right...
72. I always wanted an older brother.
73. When my middle sister was born I wanted her name to be Laura after Little House. When I found out it was something else, I was mad at my mom. I was in kindergarten.
74. I over process because I don't want to make the same mistakes.
75. I'm starting to feel old. I'm 29.
76. I'm not afraid of failing, but I am afraid to have people see me fail.
77. I like to be a good role model. It sometimes hinders my actions.
78. I have an extra bone in my right knee.
79. This blog is a secret from the 1 person I'd really like it to impress.
80. I don't like to really use the word hate, but am starting to really hate 1 person.
81. I'm afraid of what truly hating a person means for my soul. Someone told me recently that the love I have for the person I like the least in this world is the measure of my love for God.
82. I try to live each day with a little less fear and a little more faith. It's a constant inner struggle for someone like me, who over processes things.
83. I would happily dive into a pool of whipped cream.
84. I have bungee jumped. I loved it, but would never do it again.
85. I have also mud wrestled on the green of my college. I'm pretty sure I'd do that again.
86. The weirdest place I've had sex was in a handicapped bathroom.
87. Through extensive research, I know that there are no such things as pink lemons.
88. I sometimes wish I was more memorable.
89. I regret not making more friends in high school. I also regret not keeping in touch with my old college friends.
90. I sleep with a mag light under the extra pillow on the empty side of the bed.
91. I once saved someone from being raped by pushing over a man the who was the size of Alaska.
92. I owned a pencil signed original Dali for about 1/2 hour.
93. I once built a house. The only things I liked about it were the kitchen, the wall in the family room and the garage. And also the doorbell. Everything else was based on my ex-husbands ego, and it secretly embarrassed me.
94. I find just as much comfort in being alone sometimes as I find it lonely.
95. I've been hit by a man. I didn't do anything about it at first, and it cause me more pain in the end. I will never allow that to happen again, and will be sure to lose friends and family members (if need be) in order to save them if they are in the same situation.
96. I've only had 3 boyfriends-4 if you could Mr. CM now. 1 of them turned into my husband and now my ex-husband.
97. I have 20/400 vision and can't really see well when I drive at night.
98. I like to think I like spontaneity, but really, I like a plan.
99. I can read a map. Well.
100. Before I die, I would like to know how to play the piano.
Tuesday, August 16, 2005
"I like fuzzy peaches"
"I can smell your feet"
and what if you said...
"You have hairy nipples!"
and of course...
"I like snappy bananas!"
you could also yell...
"I have a tub full of bean dip!"
I mean, the possibilities are endless, really. And you're lying to me if you say you don't have the smallest desire to use this handicap to your advantage by yelling:
"Frogs make me horny!"
All kidding aside though, there are days in which I would really like to scream at people. Today was one of those days. Remember Monkey Lady? Well, she's still here; and she's still condescending and she's still bitchy.
Today she came flying into the office in a tizzy-as usual-and demanded to get into the big bosses office, to which I coolly replied, "Go ahead." And the thing is, there's never an easy, "Ok" or "Thanks" from her. It's always some crazy backpedaling type of thing like she's trying to get out of a lie.
"Oh, ok. I didn't know if you had a key or something and so I asked. Thanks, I appreciate it." but then...more! "I have to get on the road because I'm covering rep territory today and the stuff is in the big bosses office and so I need to get in there, you know what I'm sayin?"
To which I'd like to scream:
"ALL FUCKING RIGHT ALREADY! GET YOUR HAIRY NIPPLES IN THERE AND GET OUT OF MY OFFICE!"
Certain people can only be taken in doses and they each have their own "tolerance point" where they start getting on my nerves. She reaches hers when she gets, oh...about 5 miles away from the office. I can sense her, feel her bitchiness, her 2 facidness*- her lack of knowledge in the fact that she is not a size medium...
It's days like this where I'd really like to scream:
"You're a 3X!"
What would you like to scream at people?
*Yes. I know. Facidness. Not a word-thanks for pointing it out. I make up words, it's what I do.
Monday, August 15, 2005
I made myself get up. I went to the movies. I came home and did work around my house. I kept busy.
Sunday I woke up, feeling a little better, but still in a quiet, I-want-to-be-alone type mood.
Thankfully, I went to church. I usually attend Sunday mass 2-3 times a month. I'm glad today was one of those days.
It's no secret that I have faith. Lots of it. When my hope is flattened by life, I rely on my faith. It's what keeps me smiling-keeps me alive.
Today though, God told me to shut up. He told me to stop whining and to stop being so freakin selfish. Yes, He said that. He's pretty direct. You only have to pay attention to hear Him.
I hate sitting in the same pew with people, mainly because I do not receive the Eucharist because I have not had my marriage annulled, and divorce is one of those bads things the Catholic church views as "bad". In any case, I was happy when the mass started and I had the whole pew to myself.
Flash back: Prior to mass starting, I prayed for many things. I also told God I was sorry for praying for myself as much as I was, and that I am going to work harder on praying for others; and then proceeded to do so. I asked God to help me with this.
Ok. So here I am, basically ecstatic that no one sat next to me when a man slides into the pew. Great.
He smelled heavily of stale booze and cigarettes. His clothing was dirty, eyes bloodshot and his hands were shaky. He kept his head down the entire time. He did not know the order of mass; he did not know when to sit, when to stand or what to say.
The mass was about loving your neighbor. The prayer was about not being selfish.
The message was that I am truly blessed-that my life, with all it's confusion and all the imperfections, is wonderful, and that I need to be more appreciative of the life God has granted me.
As the offering of peace came about, I took the man's hand and looked him in the eyes and with all that I had, I offered him peace.
I could have done more. I could have told him I would take him to an AA meeting. I know where they meet. It wasn't far. I could have waited with him and helped him speak with the priest. I simply could have told him I was glad he was there, and that I'd like to see him again next week.
Instead, I shook his hand as if he were the cleanest person in the room, and sang the hymns louder than normal in his direction so that he might hear the words.
I could have done more.
I should have done more.
I pray that he got what he needed today.
I pray that I will find the courage to speak out and lend a hand to those too afraid or too ignorant to ask.
God told me to shut up in a big way. And I'm very glad He did.
Sunday, August 14, 2005
But I hate worms, and I hate bugs, and I really hate dry, dirty hands.
And I just bought a billion bushes and plants that I am now gearing up to plant. Alone. In the 500 billion degree weather we are having.
And my neighbor, Scary Boo, is playing his music. Loud. Today, it was Unchained Melody. Can't wait to listen to that over and over and over again.
So I just finished drinking gallons of water, powdered my whole body, applied massive amounts of bug spray (my yard is like Malaysia) and fixed my hair in a ponytail. I think I'm ready.
Pray for me.