Saturday, August 13, 2005

Johnny Appleseed

This guy must know that pot ruined his life, right?

I mean, c'mon! He's living on $32 a day in donations from people who bought his drugs. He made over $4 million-and didn't save ANYTHING!?

"All the money he has made, he says, has gone into his magazine, his Internet Pot-TV news channel, his British Columbia Marijuana Party, various referendum initiatives for marijuana legalization in the United States, legal fees for marijuana growers in several countries and support for his wife, various ex-lovers and four adopted children." And Ring Dings....lots and lots of Ring Dings.

And they say potheads don't get anywhere in life.

Ok...Seriously?!

I completely understand that I've beaten this horoscope thing to death. However, I must go on. Someone is playing a joke on me, and I'm gonna find out who it is, I promise you that!

Today I opted to sleep late. I planned it, even set my alarm for 9am. Which is late. Sad, isn't it? Anyway, as I lay there in bed waiting for the sleep fairy to go away, I looked over at Mr. CM's hat that he left at my house this week. It was hanging on my dresser where I keep my hats. I thought, "That's funny...he's hanging his hat here." you know, like that saying, "I hang my hat with her" (or something like that). Then, to be honest I thought, "Well, he's not really hanging his hat with me, I'm the one who hung it", which made me laugh because Judy always laughs at me and says, "When you want something done, you just go ahead and do it." and here I am hanging his hat for him. So in any case, his hat is hanging in my bedroom.

What does this have to do with horoscopes? Well, my friends, as I lay there thinking about hats and Mr. CM I thought, "Wow. I am starting to think about him too much." His name is starting to creep into my brain way too often. Like, I'll be reading and think, "What would Mr. CM think about that? I'll have to remember to ask him." or "Next week when he comes over we'll have to do this." I've even started thinking of things he wouldn't like, such as me cutting my hair or something like that. Not Good. So. There you have it. My thoughts. Prior to reading my stupid daily horoscope. This is what I was greeted with when I finally got out of bed to check email:

All of a sudden, your love life is taking up all your time and attention. You've been struck by a dart from Cupid. Everywhere you look there are little hearts floating around in the air.

I don't make these up kids. Even just a few days ago, and Judy, you can confirm this (mainly b/c I can't believe how close they are to my life, and so I basically shove them down her throat each day, as if they were her own horoscopes) but both Mr. CM and I were in very, very crabby moods and well, it said something like, "That other person agrees with you entirely, you don't even have to say anything and they've already thought it" Or something like that.

*Sigh*

Really, I hope those people at Horoscope Central get my letter soon. I need some answers-FAST.

And, just so you know, I'm not actually seeing hearts floating around in the air.

*Update:Just jumped back online to get directions to a gym that Judy & I are thinking of joining & checked Mr. CM's blog...his whole post today was how the news is now saying that fat on your thighs can actually be good for you. And, as I was thinking that life sucks because before I met him I was happy & now I'm happy when I'm with him and am missing him when I'm not (read above) and the fortune on his blog says: Success is getting what you want; happiness is wanting what you get. Righto.

Friday, August 12, 2005

DNA Test, Please

Are they twins?

Or Triplets? (Credit)

We may need to order a DNA test.

Speaking of which, did you all hear about the new study that showed that 1 in 25 fathers don't know that the child they are raising is not there's? That's 1 in 25-like, in 1 or 2 elementary school 1st grade classes!

I'm sorry-WHAT?!

This world is going mad. Divorce, deception, dishonesty...I'm beginning to feel as though there are no values anymore-that people just take others for granted and that vows and monogamy are a thing of the past. Why is this? How did we get to this point, and more importantly, how do we get back to the old ways? You know, the kind where people grow old together and have 6 or 7 kids that all look like the dad?

It saddens me, really.






Wednesday, August 10, 2005

Doors

I'm all for a gentleman. Really. I love it when a man opens my door for me, especially my car door, or when he says, "After you" and lets me pass him because I am a "lady". (This, incidentally, also should apply to everyone-not just ladies and gents. I love seeing a man holding a door for another man, just because it's simply courteous.) Perhaps it's because I'm overtired today, but 3 different men have held doors for me today, and they all made me angry. You wanna know why?

It's because of the way they held the door. None of them-NONE-held the door in a normal way. 2 of them were on the inside of the building and sort of leaned into the door, extending their arm across the door's handle and insisted that I pass through. Each time, because of this awkward arm stretch, I had to bump into them, and once, got so close to the man that I could smell his nasty breath.

The 3rd man did the opposite. He was on the outside and I was coming out. Again though with this crazy arm stretch move! What's up?

I'm happy that these 3 men were courteous enough to hold the door for me. I do, especially because one of them was about my age, (30's) and the art of being a gentleman seems to be slowly dying with each generation. However, I think that they should realize that no one-NO ONE-wants to shimmy past them quickly just to get in the door.

I know. Yell at me for being mean about people being nice. Go ahead. I'm crabby today. I can take it.

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

Letter to the Stars

Dear horoscope People:

I was wondering if you could please help me. Everyday you send me 2 horoscopes that always freak me out. They are hover disgustingly close to home and always leave me thinking, "What the fuck does THAT mean?!" Always. So. When, for instance like today, you say, "You and a certain someone are just about picture perfect. Now if you could only manage to get in the frame at the same time, you'd both be ready for an incredibly romantic close-up. Don't fret -- it'll happen soon." can you please say instead, "You are that certain someone are just about picture perfect. He idolizes you. (See how this works-tell me how he really feels) Clear your schedules and get together. On Thursday the 11 of August at 7:05pm, he will eat your delicious dinner (Of course, I didn't need a horoscope to know that) and turn to you and say, 'I don't know why I haven't told you this before, but I am completely in love with you.' (See. No ambiguity here!)"

By making these small little changes, you can, and will improve my overall well being and therefore, will be changing my life.

Thank you for your immediate attention to this matter.

Sincerely,

Ms. Mags

Monday, August 08, 2005

Brewster's Millions

Ok. This post requires reader participation...so, for all of you who read me-and I know who you are-but don't post, this one's for you. Post your answers in the comments section. Based on the movie Brewster's Millions:

What would you do if someone gave you $30 million dollars to spend in 30 days? The catch? At the end of the 30 days, you couldn't have any tangible assets. (You can't keep anything you buy) If you are successful, you will get $100 million, if unsuccessful, you get nothing but the memory of spending the money. How would you spend the money?

I think I would spend most of my money traveling. Because I'd have 30 million dollars, I would have to bring along friends and family. I'm somewhat of a hotel snob, so I'd naturally have to rent top notch resorts or cliffside villas, fully staffed with chefs and spa personnel. Places I'd go: Greece, Italy, Spain, Ireland. I'd go by private jet so that it took less time to fly there. When in these countries, I would spare no expense, of course, and hire people to show me the sites. I think I would also like to, at some point, pay to close something-to have my own private party somewhere, like the stars do.

I would hire someone to do my hair for me everyday for all 30 days. I think the people I am traveling with would enjoy this too, and so they too, will have their own hairdressers while we explore other worlds.

I would buy all of the books in all of the Barnes and Noble book stores in the Northeast and donate them to charities that support literacy.

Stealing from the actual movie, b/c it's a great idea, I would buy gallons-barrels even, of vintage wine and have a wine and cheese party. You know, the kind that's been aging for a bazillion years...

I might buy a trip on the space shuttle. They do that now, you know.

I would buy all of the seats at Fenway Park and invite orphans and underprivileged children from all over the country to attend the game. Of course, they would be flown on my jet, and stay at the nicest hotels.

I would pay for fertility treatments for all of the current patients at the Yale Fertility Center.

How much am I up to? Who knows...I think I would also go to a local shelter and give everyone there a makeover for the day. I know that people who have nothing could benefit from something else, but everyone needs to feel pampered.

How'd I do?? How would you spend the money?

Sunday, August 07, 2005

I'm Sorry, What?

Great! Just what us women need-scientific evidence to back up our men! I mean, c'mon! Men can't hear women as well as they hear men?! Our voices are too melodious and harder to listen to? I'm sorry, what?!? Last time I checked, every man I know knows the words to all of their favorite songs, and even some of their not so favorite ones too. They sing. They play instruments-some are even known to dance to music.-something that requires the melodious tunes to be HEARD and PROCESSED. *gasp*

And also, what was this study called-were men told they were being tested for this? Did they tell them, "Now, listen to these voices and tell me if you hear one better than the other" or "If you had to listen to this all day, could you stand it?" I mean, it seems to me that if I were a guy, and I was involved in this study, I would totally throw the results. I mean, if my wife were talking to me about how she didn't know which wallpaper to choose, I would toon her out too. Especially if I knew I could use the "Honey, you know it's scientifically proven that I can't hear a word you're saying" card.

I just think it's lame. Men don't always listen because we sometimes talk about things they don't want to talk about. There are just some women who aren't worth listening to-hell, I tune them out!! No science needed here folks. Just plain common sense.

Now, I'm sorry, what was it you just said?