Saturday, July 16, 2005

Got Tissues?

I'm not what I would call, a least not in the traditional sense. I don't often cry at sappy "chic flicks" nor when a beloved character (or real life family member for that matter) dies. Instead, I often have to choke back tears in between fits of rage, or when I am overjoyed. Today I went to see the new Willy Wonka movie. Never did I expect that in between freebasing on sugar and waiting for the movie to start would I find myself tearing up.

Morgan Freeman is to blame. That bastard has a voice like velvet, and can inspire anyone not only to listen, but to FEEL the words he speaks. It's truly amazing. He did it again. He sucked me in. He made me fall in love and feel the pride of raising children-and I don't even have any. "Come with me" he said "and follow a real life journey that proves that love is stronger than boundaries...." Wow. What an amazing story....

About penguins.

Yep. You got it. Fucking penguins made me cry! How LAME am I that the floodgates open for birds? THEY CAN'T EVEN FLY! Are you kidding me?! There aren't even any humans in the movie!

So, apparently, if any of you want to get to me-better rent a tux. Either that or slide on your bellies through icy water. 8-)

Thursday, July 14, 2005

It's All In a Name

So, everyone's mothers has a certain story they LOVE to tell at precicisly the wrong when the man of your dreams is meeting them for the first time or something. Momma Mags actually has a few that she inappropriately loves to spill, but the 1 that follows seems to be her fav. Let me first set the stage. If the story is going to be told, it must be done right...

I was and always will be, the girl who takes care of people. From very early on, I was a care giver and often found myself protecting my girl friends against mean, evil boys who wanted to give them cooties. I was never the girl being chased. In any case-this usually put me in the middle of the elementary school "boy-meets-girl" phase.

Every summer before my parents got a pool, we'd go to the lake that was in my town. We'd spend hours there, baking in the sun, eating plums and burying my little sister in the sand. This part of the story is wonderful.

What makes it not so wonderful were: 1. The mean girls who always made fun of me and my friends and 2. The smelly boys who wanted to kiss them.

1 summer though, my best friend's older cousin came to visit from Oklahoma. She was tall, blond and Beautiful. (With a capital B) Her name was wonderful and exotic she was to us in small town USA. In any case, we took her to the lake. When she took off her shorts and tee shirt and reveled her boy cut yellow bikini, the whole beach seemed to stare at us. This included Juge.

Yes, that's really his name. Juge. Jooge, if you will.

Juge was & I am sure still is, a bad boy. He rode his Huffy bike on the road to the lake all by himself b/c his parents either didn't exist or didn't care. His tee shirts had the sleeves ripped off of them, & his hair was almost always too long. He used the "F" word regularly & talked about "cherries" a lot. In short-he wasn't someone I wanted any of the people I knew to talk to.

The lake was sectioned off with a string of booies to keep the swimmers in a certain area. If you could swim all the way out, you were considered cool. It was like, being able to sit in the back seat of the school bus. Way cool. Amy, Camille and I swam out to show that we belonged to that group.
**This is where Momma Mags starts HER version of this story**
Juge followed us. He swam in front of us, taunting us, splashing us, & calling us names the whole way. It was apparent he liked one of us. We knew it was Camille. When we got to the booies, we dangled our feet over the edge, proving we were brave enough to defy the line. Juge did the same, but with his whole body. After a few minutes, he realized that we weren't going to talk to him, he started asking us questions.

We didn't answer.

I could see my friends were getting mad. I didn't want to go back to the beach. I was going to answer Juge.

"C'mon! Let me pop yur cherry-you'll like it, I promise!"

I didn't know what that meant. Time-I needed more time...

"We're not going to talk to you" I said.

"OH! But you are now!"

"Well, go away. We're trying to talk"

"Ok. I'll go away, but tell me your name. I'll only go away if you tell me your name."

And here's the part my mom loves. I replied:

"Flatus, my name's Flatus. Now go away."

Now, being that his REAL name is Juge, I wouldn't have expected him to go away. But he did. I don't know why. I think it was because he didn't exactly know what flatus meant. Kind of like me & the cherry thing. Like, "I know it's dirty, & I'm supposed to know what it is, but I don't" he left.

As we were leaving the lake that day, he called from the picnic table, "Bye Flatus! See you later!"

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is a family favorite. For those of you who don't know:

Flatus: noun [Latin: Act of blowing, act of breaking wind. Gas generated in the stomach or bowels]

Gives new meaning to the ultimate friendship song: Wind Beneath My Wings, doesn't it?

Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Gooey Globs of Goodness

You know when you see someone with something gooey or crusty stuck in the corner of their eye or their mouth? And you don't want to look, but you have to? I was that girl today! The one with something in the corner of my mouth! EEWWWWW! Luckily, I noticed it right away, in the beginning of my day, but it still mortified me.

And also, it was only lipstick.

The lipstick was brown though. Imagine what people were thinking.

There I was standing in line at Duncan Donuts smiling at people as they walked by me. "Wow", I thought, "That hot guy just totally checked me out!" Little did I know he was smiling because he thought perhaps I had eaten shit for breakfast!

Thinking back, the scary "I wear glasses too big for my face" lady behind the counter looked at my mouth when I ordered. At the time, I thought that maybe she was just so blind that she couldn't tell where my eyes were. It was that kind of head tilted back I'm looking through the bottoms of my glasses look. You know it? But no-quite the opposite. Her gargantuan glasses were probably making the tiny dark glob in the left corner of my mouth look like the black hole. No wonder why she got my coffee for me so fast.

Here's my thing: Whyyyyy would you not say, "You have something on your lip"? I mean, it's obviously there-and it obviously makes you uncomfortable, so don't you think I'D want to know? I can understand the hot guy not saying something to me-but the big glasses lady?! I mean, c'mon! SHE must understand what it's like to feel alienated! Wouldn't she want to stop someone else from feeling that way?!?! Or maybe she was oddly comforted knowing someone else was going to get weird glances...

In any case, I think that the rule should be: No matter how uncomfortable you feel or how inappropriate you may think it is, you MUST tell someone if they have:

1. Something in their teeth 2. A booger-anywhere 3. Eye snot 4. A big glob of anything on their mouth or face 5. Toilet paper stuck-anywhere 6. Their underwear showing by accident.

By the way, you've got a little suttun suttun goin on over there...

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Words and stuff

There are things....things that people say that I hate more than anything. Here are some of them things....

When people say "greazy" with a "Z" instead of "greasy" with an "S" like they're supposed to. I really hate this one. In fact, it's one of my all time favorite things to hate.

"Have a good one!" I'd like to say, "Have a good WHAT?! exactly?" Are they speaking of the bagel I just bought or perhaps my coffee? If they mean "day" I'd really wish they would say so.

"It is and it isn't" Now, I fully understand the state of being confused and being in a place where what you are feeling or thinking is in the gray. (I'm sure that's someone's pet peeve!) But to say, "It is and it isn't" is lame. Either it is, OR it isn't...I think it would be best if you find another way to communicate that you are confused about a certain topic.

The word is: idea. There is no "R" at the end of it. Though the letter "R" is a good one, there are plenty of other words it belongs to.

Bambi, who says "Comfirmed?" No one. Please don't spell it that way. I don't want people thinking I don't know how to spell it.

"Whut up?", "Ax" and other words with letters taken out of them for the sake of sounding ethnic. If you ARE of another culture and have an accent-WAY COOL. If not, please pronounce all the letters. Thanks.

When someone says, "can WE get this report run today?" when they really mean, "do it for me." I know this, b/c most of the time, the people who use "WE" instead of "YOU" are ignoramuses and can't do anything themselves. 8)

Anywho instead of anyhow. I have nothing more about this, it simply fries my ass.

Fries my ass. I've never used that EVER. It pisses me off.

When people say, "Have a blessed day" Shouldn't you just say, "God bless you?" I mean, "have a blessed day?" How do I, being human and all, have a blessed day all on my own? Wouldn't it require a prayer or a wish that God blesses me? I think so. Should you be saying, "Have a blessed day?" I think not.

Anywho, I gots to go now. I'm posedto wash my hair tonight b/c it's greazy. Have a good one....


Monday, July 11, 2005

Horo What?

Not unlike many of you I am sure, I believe in God. Some of you know that while I'm far from being a holy roller, I attend church about 2-3 times a month, and consider myself very spiritual. I am lucky and happy to honestly say that I can feel God's presence in my life on a daily basis.

That being said, I am also very superstitious. I have 2 different horoscopes emailed to me on a daily basis-my regular horoscope and my "romantic" horoscope. Whatever. Laugh if you want, but they're really starting to freak me out.

It's gotten to the point where Judy, my best friend, thinks God has found a way to communicate to me through them. They are have been so accurate in the last month, that I'm beginning to think I'm on some sort of twisted candid camera show or something. (I'm randomly smiling in places I think there could be cameras, making sure my hair and makeup are always perfect, just in case...)

Let me recap:

About 3 months ago I started dating a boy-we'll call him Mr. CM=Mr. Cute Mouth-if I have to explain, you should log off now...we dated for about a month non-stop and liked each other ALOT. Yadda Yadda Yadda-it fizzled out. We became friends instead-in any case, I decided that perhaps I would try to start dating him again. I wrote my feelings down to sort of clear them away in hopes I wouldn't forget anything. The day I did that my horoscope said:

Holding on to too many things from the past will weigh you down. To move forward, you must lighten your load. Let go and don't look back. Look forward, and you'll see things in a new light

Then the day I was going to have dinner with him it said: *keep in mind, his name is Mr. Cute Mouth...

Do not mix business with pleasure today, no matter how cute they are. Avoid making any firm commitments today. Do some research, and you may uncover that -- just as you suspected -- it's too good to be true.

Well, we ended up kind of dating but still kind of friends...kind of in that I want to rip my eyes out stage where you don't exactly know what you are or where you are going. You all know it...I needn't go on.

Well...Saturday I was in Troy and had a panicy feeling all day. Can't explain it, but it was there. I was also dressed up in a costume...Saturday said:

You may need to wear a button-up vest, because the way your heart's beating, it could very well pound right out of your chest. Put that romantic energy to good use today.

WTF? Where are these COMING from???? I know, you all think I'm nutso-but I'M OK WITH THAT. What I'm not ok with is how accurate these things are! It's freaking me out man!

I'm still waiting for the "Smile-today you're going to win a million gazillion dollars and meet the man of your dreams. All the bitches you know are now dead. You can eat all of the ice cream you want and you'll never gain a pound. Oh-and your mother will never nag you again."

Does anyone else have these weird coincidences?

Sunday, July 10, 2005


Things I discovered over my weekend in Troy, NY...

1. You apparently CAN stop your pickup truck from rolling backwards into a McDonald's with a paint roller.
2. Mapquest sucks. It's very reliable, however, b/c it always seems to get you approximately 3 streets away from where you want to be.
3. The 3 streets you are on are always 1 way, and always in a ghetto.
4. I love the words: Snarf and chunk, however I would not like to snarf chunks.
5. Cheese ages well for cheese makers, but not in my fridge.
6. Margaritas do NOT last in a pitcher in your fridge.
7. When rummaging through your empty fridge, you should always choose old, over powering margaritas first-at least then, you won't taste the cheese.
8. Cute boys can either ruin your life, or make it better. I'm still undecided on this one.
9. If the first thing you see is a pig being roasted on a park grill, you KNOW it's going to be an interesting weekend...
10. Bambi from my office thinks she's hot. She still likes chocolate cake.
11.. Boulders CAN and WILL be moved.

I could elaborate, but it's more fun not to.