Saturday, December 17, 2005

Tears On My Blog

When something tragic happens to someone you love, how do you react? Is it immediate or more of a slow burn? Are your feelings out in the open or do you tend to hide them well? What does your reaction say about you?

I don't know the answer to that last question, and I wish that I did. Not that knowing the answer would change who I am or how I react, but it would give me some insight on what makes up the person I call Me.

In times of crisis I tend to be reserved; I show no panic, no tears. I plot in my head the things that need to happen now to make the situation better, often knowing that nothing I can do will accomplish that. I sometimes wonder what people think when they see my reaction-or lack there of.

When told that my grandfather died in 1999, I simply asked at what time and if he was sleeping, and walked into the bathroom and sat on the floor quietly thinking about him for a half an hour. I then thanked God for taking him softly, said a prayer and told my Papa that I loved him...and went on with my day.

People expect you to cry. They expect you to fall on the floor, whaling and screaming and cursing. But I don't. And I don't know why.

It does not mean that I am not feeling sad, or uneasy or angry. Because I was sad. It does not mean that I loved him any less than any of my other family members who did cry. Because I do love him very much. What does it mean then?

Yesterday something horrible happened to someone I love very much; and watching the message being delivered was hard for me. I watched confusion turn to panic turn to grief turn to strength. In 30 seconds. While tragic, it was also beautiful-and I know that is strange to say. But it was. It was life. It was love. It was real.

But I am no less real. Though my love for my friend can not compare to the love this person has for him, I do love him very much. I feel pain for him, and am hurting because he is.

I suppose all of this is just my way of crying; my way of letting the feelings of "I can do nothing" out. Tears come in many forms. The important thing is that they come. And that we face them. And that we let them go.

7 comments:

Hamel said...

Beautiful post. We all have different ways of grieving, and handling crisis. None are right or wrong, as long as the grieving is complete, and the handling does not harm.

Mags said...

Thank you Hamel.

Hawaiianmark said...

Handling.

How we handle crisis defines us.

You do fine.

Aloha.

One who listens said...

I've never been sad when I hear that people have died.

Except once.

A woman named Joyce, who firmly and truly believed that when she died, she would simply cease to exist. Nothing afterwards, just total obliteration.

I couldn't cope thinking that that was it, and I wouldn't go on after death.

Owl.

megan said...

Can I have a little bit of your coping skills, your strength? I'm the exact opposite. I cry. I cry a lot, too much really. I cry out of fear, frustration, sadness, anger, happiness. Tears come out of me like breathing. I have no control. It just happens, even when I try to prevent it, maybe more-so at those times. I think people assume I'm a drama queen or that I'm fake because I cry so easitly. I wonder what that says about Me.

DinaLove said...

I used to think I was dead inside. I'd cry at a stupid phone commercial, but then no tears would come at the news of the loss of a loved one. I suppose it could be a couple of things: 1. I understand life and the fact that death--and breakups, and not having the house I've always dreamed of--happens as a part of it; 2. I have never lost a parent or a child or a significant other, so maybe that's when the emotion of that loss will overpower my logical understanding of the process of life.

I'm not exactly looking forward to that kind of emotion because, truthfully, it scares me. But I've come to terms with the fact that I just deal with things differently. I mean, I have definitely burst into tears and fallen into depression many times in my life, but I have to admit I have many positive and supportive factors to pull me out of a state like that.

Ok, this is your post, not mine, and I've gone on long enough now. Basically, I agree that everyone handles emotional situations differently and I would hope nobody would question why I'm not reacting the same way he/she is.

Mags said...

Megan: You are VERY strong. Just because you let your tears out does not mean you are not strong. You just happen to show your emotions more. And fake is not a word I ever would use for you. At all.

Dina: I understand completely.