Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Pour Some Sugar On Me

"I want to run or die or get fucked up. I want to be blind and dumb and have no heart. I want to crawl in a hole and never come out. I want to wipe my existence straight off the map. Straight off the fucking map. I take a deep breath. Let's go."
From this book.

I've been lucky enough in my life to never have been truly addicted to anything. I drink, but not a lot, I've never smoked and only tried pot twice. Though I am by no means a skinny girl, I've not ever been a binge and purger nor do I seek comfort in food.

But I have felt like I've wanted to wipe my existence straight off the map. And some days it still creeps in.

"Right off the fucking map days" came when I loved but wasn't loved back-when my husband needed my help but refused to let me in, when my sisters didn't know-couldn't know, what I was going through or why I couldn't stop it, when I realized I was being used and that nothing I knew was real. It comes when I realize my bills are higher than my pay or when I come home to an empty house and no one but creditors or telemarketers have called me, emailed me or sent me mail.

And then I take a deep breath.

"I stand and I pick up my tray and I walk to an empty table and I sit down and I start eating. The oatmeal is gray and mushy and disgusting but the sugar tastes good. It soaks into my tongue and its sweetness is the first taste I have recognized aside from whisky or wine or smoke or vomit since the evening of my accident. I like the sweet and the taste means that some of my senses are coming back."

Let's go. I tell myself. Stop trying to wipe yourself off the map. Stop trying to disappear; stop trying to find the hole that will never let you out. Start small; breathe. Next step-a smile, and a giggle will surely follow.

The sugar is working-my senses are coming back.


GMadrid said...

Heavy Blog. Here's a joke to brighten the day.

They say that Santa comes but once a year. I can't understand that, considering all the bedrooms he visits.

Mags said...

Hey, hey-you never comment and when you do it's smut!?

What's up with you and porn Gmad? I mean, really.


Hamel said...

A tale of two posts, from a dark and gray post to Yipppeee, Disney!

Glad to hear you're latest post was the most uplifting.

Hope all is well in magsland.

Mags said...

To my faithful readers:

I'm sorry. I should have simply written that I could identify with the character in the book and liked how he wrote it.

And I should have mentioned that I was not feeling down when I wrote this post. At all. It just struck me that everyone feels like that sometimes, even if it doesn't have to do with drug addiction.

Thanks for the comments and the emails!

One who listens said...

I sometimes wonder if I'm addicted to the web. I'd rather surf than work, and I spend far too much of my time curled up in front of a computer than is good for me.

I haven't mowed the lawn for far, far too long.