Wednesday, December 28, 2005

Baby, It's Cold Inside

Sometimes it is hard to be brave. Today, that means it's harder to be alone. And I know. There are 16 of you who are saying, "You're not alone". And I know that. I do. But I am.

I live alone. I sleep alone. I wake up alone. I eat alone. I read alone. I sit and wonder about life alone. I worry about the house alone. I take care of the garbage alone. I clean out the closets alone. I replace the toilet paper less than you because I am alone.

When I need a hug, there's no one here to give it and when I just need someone to look at me and know that all I need is a smile, or to sit in silence and hear another human breath, there is no one breathing.

And somedays it doesn't matter. And somedays it is better this way. But somedays, like today, it would be really great to have someone smile at me and let me listen to their breathing.

I've realized that I am a much more social person than I ever thought. I enjoy being alone and I enjoy quiet time and I enjoy being able to leave my clothes on the floor or eat Berry Berry Kix for dinner instead of making chicken.

But I miss the interaction that goes with having someone to live with. I miss having support and miss knowing that although it snowed 6 feet I'll have someone to help, or that if the roof caves in I'll have someone's shoulder to cry on AND we'll fix the situation together.

And what's funny about all of this is that I've never had this kind of relationship. My ex-husband did little else but work and Jamie was, well, nuts. He created more drama than any house in the country could. So how can I miss something I've never had?

I think this is coming from the fact that my home owners insurance denied the claim I submitted for the flood and I am stuck with an $800 bill and an oil tank that is threatening to run out of oil. And it's no one's responsibility but mine. And that's both exhilarating and scary.

Which is why I said that sometimes it's hard to be brave.



Hamel said...

Sounds like you and I both had melancholy days, Mags.

I understand exactly what you're saying, and as your possible future second husband, you can rely on me. Just say the word, and I'll come down and cuss out the insurance people over the phone, and brainstorm ways with you to conserve oil and more.

Hope you found a smile out there somewhere, Mags.

GMadrid said...

Bummer of a day. Bastard insurers. I think you need a fruit roll-up to cheer you up. One with fun pictures on it. :)

Mags said...

Hamel: Ok Hamel: The word. Cuss 'em out for me. They treated me like I was the scum of the earth-like I was not even a human being. My house is freezing! I took the world's fastest shower today so I could preserve the oil I do have. I'm considering going "crunchy" because to have another company come out now is $500 to fill the tank. Yuck.

Gmadrid: Excellent suggestion, though I didn't know they still made them! Perhaps I will peruse the fun fruit snack isle today and pick some up.

megan said...

This just makes me sad. To me this is much more than flood damage and an empty oil tank. This blog is about being lonely. Criminals are given solitary confinement as punishment. Humans are not meant to be alone. Certainly someone as loving, personable, intelligent, creative, and caring as you should not be alone. People even resort to staying in bad relationships because being alone is worse than being mistreated. So, until you find someone wonderful enough to share your life with fully, you have us....your friends and your family. I know it's not the same but I hope the knowledge of how much we all love and respect you helps you feel "surrounded" and "comforted". Enjoy your Berry Berry Kix and hog the covers for now.

Mags said...


Thanks for making me cry at work.

THANK YOU. I love you too.

Hawaiianmark said...

Alone doesnt need to mean lonely.

Best to you


Mags said...

Thank you Mark. You are certainly right. Alone usually does not mean lonely for me. But sometimes it gets the best...not for too long though, but just enough for me to blog about it and get it out...

Too bad I didn't know how to surf-sounds like that is one fantastic high.